He told me to write in a journal. Probably because I won't talk to anyone there. Maybe they all think I'm mute. That would be weird but I still have no plan on talking to anyone soon. Why should I? I have no reason to. I don't care how much they know about me; I just don't want to talk to them. If I talk to them that means I trust them. If I talk to them, which means that I'm vulnerable to them. That's not going to happen. I decided to humor them because I knew that they weren't going to leave me alone until I did. The whole time I was writing, he didn't take his eyes off me. When I was done writing it ended up looking like this:
11-9-03
My name is Jess Mariano. I am nineteen years old. I like to read. Two years ago my mother decided that she didn't want to have me as her responsibility so she sent me off to live with her brother, my uncle. I didn't want to go and I wanted to go back home even more once I saw the place. It was hell except for I'm sure that this was smaller than hell because it had a population of about thirty, all of which couldn't stand me. My uncle was alright at first. It seemed as though he didn't really care about me or what I did and, that's just how I'm used to people acting towards me. Then he got all weird and started acting more like a prison guard than an uncle, not like I would know since I hadn't seen my uncle since I was about two or three. Then I met this girl. She was perfect. She was pretty, smart, she read a lot, and it looked like she really cared about me. It was the first time someone had yelled at me for fighting for fear that I would get hurt; usually people just yell at me for fighting and end up calling me worthless and then don't even tell me what I did wrong. We started dating after she broke up with that idiotic boyfriend of hers, but I guess she just cared about me a lot more than I was used to people caring about me. I guess that scared me. I was scared that I would fall in love with her and then she would break my heart, or leave me, like everybody else in my life has. So I left. I haven't been back since then. I guess I've always had 'trust issues' but I don't understand how they expect someone who has been either betrayed or abandoned by everyone they know, to just go up to a stranger and say "I trust you completely," and mean it. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe it's every other kid out there who's been through crap like I have. I don't really care anymore.
After I left Hell, I went to go live with my father that I had never met before. He was okay; he just didn't know what he was doing. After a while we started fighting and I could tell that he didn't want me there anymore. So I went back to New York, were I had lived most of my life and where my mom lived. I considered moving back in with her, but I was pretty sure that she didn't want me anymore so I got an apartment. I didn't have enough money for my own so I had to share with some guy I barley know; that was Jeff. After a while we got to be pretty close friends.
I've been through a lot of hell these past couple of years. I don't know what else to say; except that I'm considered a dangerous killer. But you already knew that.