Summary: "What I see and what I know are two very different things."
Warnings: Some language.
Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is not mine. Only the story line and any made up characters that may appear in the story belong to me.
A/N: this idea hit me after I went back and read over some of my older stories trying to inspire my muse. This story takes place during the first time line of my story 'Second Chance' it would be a good idea to go read that story first in order for this one to make more sense.
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Leaning heavily against the corridor wall a little ways down from the mess hall Carson waited patiently for Rodney to round the corner. It was nearing one in the afternoon which meant Rodney would be on his way to the mess hall to refill his coffee pot. The scientists had a running joke going that they could set their watches by Rodney's coffee pot. Glancing up Carson spotted Rodney as he rounded the corner. Chancing a glance at his watch, Carson smirked and wistfully thought to himself 'right on time'.
"You scare me sometimes," Carson stated, pushing off the wall and hindering Rodney's path. "You are far too anal for your own good sometimes."
Rodney merely rolled his eyes in annoyance, "Is there a reason you're blocking my way towards more coffee, or do you just feel like pestering me, again?"
Sobering, Carson dawned a serious mask that completely covered his once dancing eyes. The change goaded Rodney enough to ask what was wrong. Shaking his head, Carson tried to find the right words. "Troy skipped class again…I agreed to take over Jared's biology class while he's down with a cold. Troy wasn't there; Nathan said that he hadn't been feeling well this morning but…."
"Nate's been known to cover for Troy repeatedly." Rodney finished.
"Aye," He nodded. "I was going to go looking for him but... I wouldn't have the slightest clue as to where to start… and honestly you seem to be the only adult around here that he doesn't get all moody and snappish with."
Rodney almost wished that fact would bring a smile to his face, make him feel special, but it didn't. "I'll find him."
"You'll let me know when you find him?" Carson gave Rodney a warm squeeze of the shoulder before turning to head back to the infirmary.
"Yeah," Rodney whispered and watched Carson walk solemnly away. Letting out a deep sigh Rodney turned and picked a direction.
He'd check Troy's room first with the knowledge that he more than likely wouldn't be there, but figured it'd be a good starting point. He couldn't help the unrest that settled in the pit of his stomach, could barely even ignore it. His worry for the young boy grew with each step as he approached Troy's room. He couldn't explain the feeling but knew he couldn't pass it off as unheeded. Stopping in front of Troy's door Rodney raised a hesitant hand to knock. It wasn't a hesitation as to what was on the other side but the reaction he would receive for interrupting what ever was on the other side.
Activating the door chime Rodney waited for a response not really sure if he'd receive one - pleasant or not. When nothing but silence followed he used his ATA gene to open the door. Stepping inside he scanned the room. Surprised washed over him. The room was clean for the first time in he couldn't remember how long and Troy wasn't there. The site of cleanliness almost scared him, the reasons unknown to even himself.
Pausing for a moment Rodney tried to think of where Troy might have gone. The highest balcony over looking the eastern side of Atlantis was the first place that came to mind but was quickly discarded – Troy knew that would be the first place anyone who really knew him would go looking. The next place that came to mind was the gym, but as he was turning to leave he noticed that the window had been left vicariously open.
Uncertain about what he'd find Rodney inched his way to the window. Gripping at the ledge of the window he swallowed a burning lump and leaned out. Of their own accord his eyes fell to the pier that stretched out fifty or so feet below the window out of pure uncertainty. A sorrowful sigh had Rodney snapping his head to the right.
"Figures that your first thought would be that'd I'd jumped." Troy scoffed.
Rodney barely had time to process the words as an intense flood of relief washed through him at seeing Troy sitting on the angled section of roofing.
"Its okay I probably would have thought that too." There was numbness in Troy's words, a lifelessness that tugged at Rodney's heart.
Rodney said nothing finding himself not for the first time unsure of what to say to Troy. He took the time to look Troy over. The boy's hair lay about his face made even wilder and more unruly by the breeze that was blowing and his eyes were unreadable dark pools. Nothing of this boy before him resembled the once bright, cheerful, and happy child that he'd once been. Though Rodney had to admit that Troy hadn't been that child in a long time not since…shaking his head mentally Rodney steered away from those thoughts.
"What are you doing out here?" Rodney finally broke the silence that had fallen over them.
"Relaxing," Short and curt but filled with hidden meaning no one had the key to.
"On a ledge fifty feet off the ground? You could fall."
Troy just shrugged nonchalantly, "If I fall, I fall." The numbness was still present in his voice.
Rodney didn't like the flat emotionless tone of Troy's voice, "Would you come inside, this leaning out the window is doing a number on my back."
Troy didn't move from where he was sitting, instead he reached beside him and pulled out a thermos and coffee cup. "Coffee?" He offered both to Rodney. "I figured Carson would interrupt your afternoon refill when he sent you after me."
Rodney accepted both items but didn't pour himself a cup, "Troy please would you come inside."
"It's kind of peaceful up here don't you think?" Troy stared out at the ocean scene before him.
"Troy," Rodney persisted.
"It just exists, no complications, no hang ups. It just is."
"Stubborn just like your dad," Rodney muttered under his breath as he tried to think of another tactic.
Troy heard Rodney's muttered words and finally something broke through his façade. His head snapped around, eyes blazing with the purest rage Rodney had ever seen. "I am nothing like that son of a bitch!" Troy's tone was livid compared to the numbness of before. "I will never be like him!"
"Okay, okay," Rodney raised his hands in compliance. "I'm sorry…but would you please just come inside." He was beyond desperate and on the verge of calling Ronon down there to bodily force the adolescent back inside.
As if sensing where Rodney's thoughts were going Troy sighed and began shifting around to crawl back through the window. Moving aside Rodney held out a hand to help him inside. Once back inside Troy started for the door intending to make his way back into the folds of the huge city.
"Wait," Rodney moved to block Troy's path, a hand on the boy's shoulder. "Look you know I'm no good at this stuff but if you want to talk…"
"Talk about what?" Troy shook the hand off his shoulder.
"I don't know, how about the fact that you probably just spent the entire morning sitting out on a ledge fifty feet up? How about the fact that you just shrugged nonchalantly at the idea of falling fifty feet?"
"I was in no danger of falling Rodney." Troy stated in no uncertain terms. "I was just relaxing."
"Right," Rodney breathed out hotly. "Cause every one likes to relax on a ledge five stories off the ground. Come on, I'm not stupid. Talk to me Troy, I'm worried, we all are. I know that you're hurting and you think you have to do it alone but you don't. I'm here, Kate's here, Carson's here, we're all here." He checked Troy's unchanging eyes for any sign of recognition of his words. Nothing. "Can't you see that?"
Squaring his shoulders, Troy decided to end the conversation, "What I see and what I know are two very different things." With that he walked out of the room.
All Rodney could do was walk away as they boy who was like a second son to him walked away. With a sorrowful sigh Rodney left the room as well, headed back to his quarters all thoughts of working that afternoon gone. Once in his quarters Rodney slumped down into his favorite reclining chair and sat in the darkened room thinking.
He didn't know how long he sat there before hands rubbing his shoulders brought him out of his brooding. The room now lightened he was able to glance up and see Kate standing behind him.
"Rough day?" Kate continued to rub Rodney's shoulders.
He gave a slight shake of the head, "No, Troy."
That was all Kate needed to know, to know why Rodney was sitting alone in the dark brooding.
Reaching up Rodney gently gripped Kate's hand tugging on it. Not resisting Kate moved around to the front of the chair and sat down on Rodney's lap, her arms wrapping around his neck. Rodney basked in the feel of Kate's arms and for a moment felt normal. "I found him outside on the roof..." he murmured into her knitted blue sweater.
"Again?"
Rodney pulled back from her hold, "What do you mean again?"
"I found him there last week. He promised he wouldn't do it again." She answered honestly.
He stared at her in disbelief, "And you believed him?"
"Of course not, I've been keeping an eye him but I'm only one person, I can't be there all the time. Is he okay?"
"Oh yeah he's great." Sarcasm dripped viciously from Rodney's tongue. "I cannot believe you didn't tell me about this new habit of his."
Kate wrapped her arms around him again, "He asked me not to and the least I can do is keep my word."
Sighing Rodney leaned his head against Kate's shoulder, "Do you…do you think he'll…?"
"Jump or try to kill himself some other way." Kate finished. Rodney silently nodded his head against her shoulder. "Honestly no, no I don't."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I asked him, and he told me that he would never do anything like that because he was nothing like his father. And you know how much Troy hates being compared to his father. In Troy's eyes suicide is just another form of abandonment and he says he won't abandon the ones he cares about the way his dad did to him in every way but physically."
"So what do we do?" Rodney pulled Kate in tighter to himself.
"The same thing we've been doing. We continue to be here for Troy, let him know that we care, that we'll always be here for him no matter what."
Rodney sighed, tightening his grip slightly. Kate was right and he knew it, but that didn't make him worry any less about what Troy might do to himself some day.