AN:
Hi, y'all. I just thought I'd post this, it's been on my computer for ages. I'm posting it on this account to see if I should continue it. I do mess with religion and death a bit so that's mainly why it's on this account. I only have two chapters done and I hope you like it. I wouldn't mind a review but I warn you: religious zealots back off. This is only for fun, not to mock God or anything. I don't need you telling me I'll go to Hell for writing a story. If that's the case than that's the case. You're not God so don't pretend you'd know what he would say if he read this. Yeah, sorry. I'm tired and a little grouchy. Whatever. Anyway, I hope you like this at least somewhat.
Death's Sense of Humour
Chapter One: Facing Death
"Sirius... Sirius... Sirius NO!" I cried out in anguish, watching in transfixed horror as Sirius tumbled through the veil all because of his stupid cousin's stunner. I tried running towards the veil but I was caught from behind.
"Tempy... Tempy... Tempy NO! You can't go after him." came Remus Lupin's voice for it was he who was holding me back.
"The HELL I can't. Now let me GO!" I demanded, wriggling around in his grasp.
"Damn it! You'll DIE! Listen to me, Tempest Lily Potter, you can't go after him! He's gone. He's dead now and if you go through you will be, too." Remus said in a choked voice.
"Well its a hell of a lot better then the alternative, ISN'T IT? An innocent man DIED before his time, damn it, condemned in more then one way. Azkaban, Grimmauld Place, and now through that DAMN veil. And the wizarding world thinks I'm a bloody RAVING LUNATIC but as soon as Voldemort shows his fucking ugly SNAKEFACED SELF everyone will act all like I'm a fucking female Merlin or Jesus Christ, won't they? As far as I'm concerned the wizarding world can go to HELL!" I growled. With that, I kicked my right foot back angrily and hit him right in the spot no man would want to be hit in. Remus, thank God, doubled over in pain and let me go. I felt bad about that but I couldn't just let him hold me back. I started running then, running towards the veil, dodging spells thrown from the Death Eaters and the Order members alike. Finally, I reached it and dove through into a curtain of black abyss.
What seemed like no time at all passed before I found myself in a stark white room. I was lying on the floor which didn't feel much like anything, really. I got up and stood shakily on my feet only to look down and blush, I wasn't wearing a thing. As I was wishing for clothes, I found myself in a pair of neatly-pressed white robes.
"Where AM I?" I asked nobody in particular, looking around at the utter bareness and nothingness of the room. Suddenly, a woman appeared right in front of me.
"You're in my domain, of course. I like to call it DODGE: Domain of Death's Grand Excellence. Catchy, huh?" she asked. The woman was tall and stately with flowing gold hair to her waste. She wore robes of pure, bright white. Her skin was nearly as pale and her face was angelic. The only thing detracting from her appearance was her eyes: a deep, dark, lifeless black that did not go with the angelic appearance the rest of her had.
"You... you're DEATH? But... but I always thought if Death or God or whoever existed he... it... they would be a BLOKE?" I stammered questioningly.
"Doesn't everyone, kid? Nah, I'm as much a woman as you, maybe even more as I'm DIVINE and all. But don't worry; the big guy upstairs is definitely a man. Much a MAN as you can be, really. I'm not just Death, though, I go by Devil as well. I'm not all evil, ya know. I've just got to do my job to introduce strife and hardship to test my twinzy's little humans, like you. My twinzy gets to manipulate life and then pamper all the good little humans while I get to greet and judge all the humans that die. I also get the job of testing humans. Depending on how well they do, I either send them up to my twinzy or they go down with me. You with me so far?" the woman... Death... Devil... whatever asked in a chipper voice.
"Huh?" I breathed. This Death lady, if she was to be believed, was really throwing me for a six and I didn't know what to think. "But they always go on about the devil being male and all that, fallen angel Lucifer becoming Satan and stuff. So you mean to say you're God's TWIN?"
"Yup! Good old Goddard is my little bro." she said. "But don't tell him I said I was the oldest, he likes to deny that."
"GODDARD?" I asked incredulously.
"Of course! But he and his big ego had to shrink it down to God just because it "sounded cool," so he said. He is SUCH a guy. I go by many names: Death, Devil, Mother Nature, that sort of thing. I also ought to be known as Mother Time as well but my twinzy stole that one from me; he gets to manipulate the timestream. A note of advice, kid, never play my brother at poker. And as far as Lucifer and Satan? The name's Lucinda Sadie, nobody calls me Lucinda, you are to call me Sadie, and don't you forget it!"
"Erm... okay?" I responded nervously.
"Anyway, like I said, I judge all the people who die. Hmmm, let's go over the stats, shall we? Your name is Tempest Lily Potter. You were born on July 31, 1980. Your parents were killed by a madman, Voldemort, and trust me when I say that when he's finally done cheating me he's got a nice, cozy spot in the deepest depths of Hell. You've had a hard life and grown up all right despite that. You've saved Hermione Jane Granger from a troll, saved the Philosopher's Stone, saved Ginevra Molly Weasley from the Chamber of Secrets, saved Sirius Orion Black, saved Gabrielle Antoinette Delacour from being killed by the merpeople because of their animosity with veela, stopped a veela-merpeople war, tried to be noble and share the triwizard cup, and come to save a man who didn't need saving. With all that I WOULD have given you a ticket right up to my twinzy's domain but I can't do that now. Do you know why?" Sadie asked.
"Erm... why?" I asked. I winced at the glare she sent me. It wasn't as though I was the religious sort - the only thing the Dursleys ever branded into me about God was how he'd throw me in Hell for my "freakishness," whatever.
"You silly, silly, silly girl. Why, she asks, oh WHY? Because you committed suicide, you STUPID, SELFISH GIRL! Instead of dealing with the pain you just jump in after your godfather, consequences be DAMNED! I didn't LET you survive the killing curse as a fifteen-month-old BABY just for you as a SILLY fifteen-year-old GIRL to kill yourself! And let's not mention that it WASN'T YOUR TIME! You were SUPPOSED to get married, have LOTS of little children, and die an old woman but NO! You go and OFF YOURSELF!" Sadie snarled, a crazed glint in her black eyes.
"Well it was BETTER then the alternative. If the veil had led somewhere else on Earth I could have at least gotten Sirius back home, RIGHT?" I snapped heatedly.
"But you didn't care if you died, DID YOU? You DIDN'T CARE! And because of this I'm being urged by my twinzy to send you straight on down to Hell! Your parents, grandparents and so-on are up in Heaven. I've even sent Sirius up there already. And CEDRIC is their, too. You were stupid, Tempest Potter, a total IDIOT. You were created BETTER THEN THAT!" Sadie roared.
"Well what ELSE could I have done? And I as good as KILLED Cedric, I as good as KILLED Sirius. You might as well send me on to Hell, that's JUST what I DESERVE." I snapped furiously, tears clouding my already dubious vision.
"And that's why we're not going to." Sadie said a bit more gently.
"HUH?"
"You've still got a pure heart, a pure soul, or as pure as a teenage girl's heart and soul can be, at any rate. God and I have decided to let you redeem yourself."
"How?" I asked.
"By sending you back, of course!" Sadie answered cheerfully.
"Back? You mean like to my younger self or something?" I asked.
"Oh no, not at all. You'd go insane with two souls in the same body! It would be against nature to expel your younger soul. No, that wouldn't work. You'd have a new life, a new name, new memories. You'd still keep your old ones, of course, but nobody else would be able to detect them by ANY means. What we do is allow a child to live who otherwise wouldn't have and, as no soul would have been created yet, it wouldn't be against our laws to squeak you in their. Hmmm, now where to put you? If I sent you to the 1930s or 1940s you could possibly raise young Tom Riddle but he was destined to become evil, you couldn't have done anything for him. The 1940s are a bit too messy anyway... I don't like them. I don't think I was quite so swamped from World War I and World War II as I had been since the dark ages... though the American Civil War is a pretty close runner-up. Then there's the 1950s but you couldn't do much good there with Riddle disappeared. The 1960s and 1970s might work but then again, I don't know. It'd be hard to gather any intelligence while fighting off Death Eaters. Ah yes, I believe 1980 would be perfect. Right before the war ends. You can stop the worst of the attacks; that's when things get really violent, 1980." Sadie rambled.
"Wait... but... how do you know I'll accept?" I asked, even though I was already heavily considering it.
"Easy, this is Dodge, my domain, and so I know what's going through that brain of yours. You'll do it." Sadie said and I found myself nodding.
"So I could save Mum and Dad?" I asked.
"Maybe, maybe not."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that some things have to happen. Even if they had a trustworthy secret-keeper they could, say, be somewhere else that night and be killed or another family, like the Longbottoms, could suffer their fate, and yours, for that matter." Sadie responded.
"Their fate? My fate? Why do you say the LONGBOTTOMS of all people?" I asked.
"You don't know?" Sadie asked. "You know NOTHING of the PROPHECY?"
"I know Of the prophecy; that's how I wound up here; but I dunno what it says, exactly. Shouldn't you know what I do and don't know?" I asked.
"No, not at all. My twinzy's the all-knowing one, not me." Sadie said.
"Erm... okay... so what, exactly, does this prophecy say?" I asked.
"Well the point is moot, isn't it? I'm sending you back and replacing the reality; the prophecy might not even be made the same, although it probably would be similar." Sadie shrugged.
"Could you just tell me what it said in MY reality?" I asked.
"Sure. The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches, born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies. And the Dark Lord shall mark him or her as his equal, and he or she shall have the power the Dark Lord knows not. Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives. The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. It would have boiled down to him or you. Then again, it could've been the Longbottom boy." Sadie said.
"NEVILLE? You mean instead of having tortured parents he could have DEAD parents? You mean HE could've gotten the scar?" I asked.
"Exactly. His parents, like yours, defied Voldemort three times. Neville, like you, was born at the end of July, July 30th. Then again, that is the most basic interpretation. It, like other prophecies, could be interpreted in an almost infinite number of ways. This is just how Albus Dumbledore, who was given the prophecy, and Tom Riddle, who was told part of it by minion Severus Snape, decided to look at it. I have words for Albus as well but that's neither here nor there. As it stands he'll be lucky to be stuck in purgatory for the rest of existence." said Sadie.
"What? PURGATORY? Why HIM?" I asked.
"He's done a lot of good, please understand, but his ego has inflated and gotten in the way. He has made so many horrible decisions and done so many things that he'll be lucky he isn't sent straight to Hell. All the bad basically cancels out the good. He'd need to make a complete 180 to even have a CHANCE at Heaven." Sadie explained solemnly. "It's quite a pity, really."
"But WHY? Just WHAT has he done wrong?" I asked.
"Putting you with those CRETINS, the Dursleys to start. Protecting Severus Snape, for a second offense. That man is NO GOOD. He performed the Fidelius on your house, for a third strike. He withheld the prophecy from you, for a forth. Also, your heritage. Through your mother you are Ravenclaw's heir; through your father you are Hufflepuff's and Gryffindor's. But that won't matter so much with your new identity although I assure you you'll have plenty of interesting heritage all your own. Oh yeah, and he's been practically testing you from your first day into Hogwarts. But, like I said, that is neither here nor there. If you can erase all that damage, Albus MIGHT have a better chance at making it into Heaven." Sadie said, spitting out Dumbledore's offenses. Thinking back, I realised she was right.
"You... you're right, aren't you? Well to Hell with that life, no pun intended. Even if I could go back there I wouldn't. I know I'm making a deal with the devil in every sense of the word but I think... I think it'll be worth it." I said, standing up tall.
"GREAT! So any particulars on a house? Where d'you wanna live? Ooh, I think a lovely little cottage in Godric's Hollow would be nice! Oh yes! Two stories, a basement, four-bedroom, a library, kitchen, dining room, living room, study, duelling room, potions lab... oh, it'll be BRILLIANT! Don't worry, dear, just leave it to me!" Sadie said with a cheerful, and somewhat creepy, smile. Then, the room dissolved into darkness. What had I done?