Title: Whirled Peas
Author: Connecticut Junkie
Rating: PG
Summary:
Taylor throws a birthday party for carrots. Sookie's baby is fated to rule the world. Kirk becomes a god. And Lorelai begins to suspect that no one in Stars Hollow is who they say they are- including her. This fic sponsored by CT Junkie's crack dealer, Snook Diddle.
Disclaimer: All the characters and the town of Stars Hollow are property of the WB and Amy Sherman-Palladino, who would hopefully understand what I'm doing here with her property. Not that she's reading this. But it is more entertaining than a complaining ramble on a Livejournal.
Note: This is an odd amalgam of Parody, Satire, and Sci-fi. Also, after 2 years of my friends nagging me to start a livejournal, I did. Might be useful in finding out how my other Works In Progress are going. If you've got nothing better to do than read about my boring life *g*. www.livejournal.com/~ct_junkie
~~
It was a typical day in the typical way in the not so typical town of Stars Hollow. Some towns- and their town folk- would disagree, and argue that any day that had a festival was far from ordinary. But Stars Hollow was, as previously stated, a not so typical town. And it was far more unusual for its residents to have a day without a celebration or festivity of some sort than to have a day with one.
But on this day, the good Dr. Brown was not in a festive- oh, sorry. Wrong town, wrong show.
"Dr. Brown?" Lorelai asked, handing a can of Cel-Ray soda to her daughter, who looked miserable in the unseasonal heat. Rory took one look at the can and raised an eyebrow.
"Dr. Brown must have been dipping into the pharmaceutical supplies if he thought making a soda that tastes like celery was a good idea."
Lorelai wrinkled her nose at Rory's disdain, and took a deep swig of the refreshing liquid. "A simple 'no' would have sufficed."
An irritated throat-clearing attempted to break the mother-daughter interaction. "Ladies!" Taylor chastised, but was, as always, ignored. He increased the volume of his voice, which made it even more annoying than usual, despite this being a usual day in the usual way. "Ladies!"
Lorelai finally took notice of Taylor, and if the older, cardiganed-man had been wise (like that other older, cardiganed-man Mr. Rogers), he would have known that getting Lorelai Gilmore's attention was often not the best of ideas.
"You wanna roll in my Mercedes?" Lorelai shouted out, and the younger and/or hipper of the crowd giggled, while the older and/or uncool were befuddled, as everyone knew Lorelai drove a Jeep, not a Mercedes.
But before Taylor could ask her what in the name of all that was grocery she was talking about, Rory called out, "Hell yeah!"
"Language, young lady!" Taylor scolded, as more giggles emerged from the crowd while the older and/or uncool murmured amongst themselves that this type of language was not befitting the chaste and pure Rory they all knew.
Taylor waited a grand total of three seconds before he told the crowd to, "Hush up," a phrase usually suited for use by elderly southern grandmas scolding rambunctious 'chilluns'. Which, of course, prompted another giggle or four from Lorelai.
Kirk turned around and over the heads of several town folk who were much shorter than him made a face at Lorelai. "Would you show some respect to the carrots!" he chastised, then recoiled in fear as Lorelai shot him the Angry Glare O' Death.
"Jeez," she mumbled, although her mumble was so loud she could have taken Paul Revere's job and have mumbled the warning that the British were coming and still have woken up every village person- including the cowboy, the construction worker, the police man, and the biker. But not the Indian, because he was off signing treaties that would never be honored and having his land stolen from him. And all this is moot anyhow, because Paul Revere was captured and some other dude was the real guy who warned everyone that the British were coming. Poor dude. Not only was he stripped of his infamy, but no one gave him credit for psychically predicting the debut of the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show almost 200 years later.
But while this ramble occurred, another ramble was taking place, emanating from the never-closed maw of Lorelai. "I mean, I was just trying to make an entertaining little pop culture reference. It's what I do! But nooo, I've gotta be snipped at by Taylor, who thinks he's God of the Sea People- see! another Pop Culture Reference. Damn I'm good. Who elected Taylor god? Not me, that's for sure. Although I don't think you'd elect God. Because Heaven doesn't seem to be a democracy, although Belinda thinks it really is just a place on Earth. You know, I've always wanted-"
At this point, the wills of most of the town folk gathered for the 225th Birthday of Jacob Otis' Patch of Freedom Carrots broke. "SHUT UP!" they yelled in unison, drowning out the voice of Lorelai for the first time in recorded history.
Lorelai pouted, unfamiliar with the idea that people didn't want to hear her speak. She turned to Rory, hoping her daughter would reassure her that she was, indeed, the most important person in the world, way more important than the Dali Lama and with a much better fashion sense too, because really? Bald was so out!
But Rory was gone. Lorelai pouted some more. Rory told her everything. If Rory had to go to the bathroom, she'd say, "Mom, I have to pee," before she left, and Lorelai would say, "Hey, I have to pee too but I don't want to get up so grab that Radio Flyer you haven't used since you were four and cart me over there." And then Rory would roll her eyes and make for the potty room.
Lorelai would have freaked out but she had a nagging suspicion that Rory had ditched her to go hang with Jess. And she would have yelled at the town folk but Taylor had already started blathering on about what everyone already knew, that the carrot patch had been the hiding spot for the Minute Men's weapons that they held that one night when they just frickin' stood there. Yadda, Bada, and Bing, thank you to Jackson for maintaining the only remaining ten square feet of the carrot patch. Carrot Cake for everybody!
Lorelai wasn't the first to get a piece of cake. In fact, no one let her be the first or second or even the tenth in line. Instead, she had to wait in the back of the line with Kirk.
"What is going on here?" she said to no one in particular, her ears soothed by the sound of her own voice. Rory was ditching her. People didn't want to listen to her. No one favored her. "Is everyone being replaced by POD PEOPLE!" She practically shouted.
Forks clattered. Mouths hung open, revealing half-masticated carrot cake. Everyone stared at Lorelai. She stared them all down.
"Was it something I said?"
-End Ch. 1-
Is Lorelai wiser than she seems? Will Stars Hollow's newest resident, Al E. Gorey emerge from his tree house to throw pearls of wisdom like some kind of projectile vomiting oyster? Was Luke's apple pie indulgence a result of repeated listenings to Warrant's classic, "She's My Cherry Pie" and a pie-filling ordering snafu? Will any of this make a lick of sense? Just what DOES sense taste like?
I wouldn't know. Obviously.