Disclaimer: Persona and all of its characters belong to Atlus, not me. Okay? Okay.
It Was Because Of You
After turning the street corner sharply and making our way down the sidewalk, I believe that it was the first time I truly recognized myself.
Myself as a human being, myself as a detective, myself as an older brother. Yes, I think it was right around the time that we passed the stoplight, after it turned abruptly from green to red. When everything meant stop, and so I did stop.
Stopped to think. Stopped to accept reality. Not a fantasy, mind you, but the reality in which we lived in--in which I lived in. To accept my role as an adult and a role model for my younger brother, Tatsuya.
I think that when you've been running from reality for a long time, it's hard to turn around to pick up the broken pieces. I decided right then that now was as good a time as any to start over. So, that's when I accepted reality. My first real taste of it. And that's where my shadow became even more of a thorn in my side. But I couldn't help it. We all have things we can't cope with. Though being what is called "reality," I didn't want to have to live it that way. I could accept reality, but I would never accept my existence in it.
People change phases everyday. I never change. My life has never changed. It's all about life being fair. Of course, no one ever said that life was fair. I keep forgetting that. Reality as an adult and role model. Yeah, I finally came to terms that my life wouldn't be any different, but that didn't mean I had to like it.
As we strolled through the doorway of the local Satomi Tadashi, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. I didn't have to even turn around to guess who it was.
"Suou, Amano's doing the shopping. Is there anything you need before we pack up and settle the score with Sudou?"
Of course, Baofu was referring to Tatsuzou.
"No, I trust her judgment. I'm not worried about what we get; I'm worried about how much we'll need of everything."
Sumaru Castle. Lovely place it was. Nice and big and full of flesh-eating demons. Exactly how I liked my vicinities to be.
"Yeah well, I don't want her buying stuff we don't need. I don't want to end up being the baggage boy again." He turned his head.
Again? Since when had he ever assisted in carrying our baggage?
"Well then, why don't you help her make the decisions about the merchandise we buy?" I suggested, growing weary of his constant complaining.
"Me? Help shop? No way, that's totally out of my style!" And so he shoved his hands into his pockets and hurried off on down the aisle to stare at the magazines. He would never change. I shook my head and resumed in my thinking as I absentmindedly pulled a box of cake mix from the shelf.
It brought me back to my younger years. The days when I had the whole world under my thumb. I could be anything I wanted to and not have anybody protest about it.
If not for them...
Of course, the road altered a bit after dad lost his job and was thrown in jail. Yeah, I had a lot to brag about to my friends at school. It wasn't as though he had been fired, but forced to resign as a police officer.
If not for them, I could've had my way...
I only did what I did for the sake of my family. For the sake of my father, for the sake of my brother, and for the sake of our future. Tatsuya never forgave dad for his actions. From then on, he only referred to him as a coward. But Tatsuya never knew the truth.
I could've been anything I wanted to, if not for them...
But, I don't regret it. Nothing. I don't regret the path I chose. The path that I decided on the minute I felt the responsibility to look after my younger brother. No, I don't regret it. Tatsuya may only think of me as perfect, flawless Katsuya. If only he knew how much I sacrificed for him. If only he knew…
I shook my head violently, clearing out all the old memories, the old feelings that were left down in the pit of my mind. I had to focus; I had to move forward. No, I couldn't let Nyarlathotep get the best of me. I couldn't let him win.
Couldn't let him know my deepest darkest secrets.
You hate your father and brother. If not for them, you could've had your way...
Perhaps, but that's inevitable now, isn't it? I mean, it's not like I can just ask for all those years back, can I? No, why not just finish what I started?
Come, come now. That's not what you really want to do, is it?
Not really. But do I have a choice? Besides, Tatsuya still needs me.
Fool. He needs no one, especially you. Don't you get it by now? He hates you. He doesn't love you. Face the facts.
Maybe I should.
I put the box back on the shelf and turned to the side, not wanting to trigger old memories again.
"I have to stay sharp," I whispered softly to myself, "I have to stay focused."
Tatsuya, remember Tatsuya. You're trying to help him--to protect him. No matter what the shadow says, you have to protect him. The one from the "Other Side".
He's your brother, no matter where he might be from. The way he walked, talked, everything about him was the same. All except his thoughts, which I was unable to read.
"Katsuya?"
I was suddenly snapped back into reality as I turned around to meet the eyes of a young, raven haired woman.
"Uh, Miss Amano," I could feel my face grow warm as I began to fumble with the ends of my coat. "What's the matter?"
My forehead began to sweat and I quickly brought a hand up to run trembling fingers through my hair. I must've looked silly to her because she stifled a laugh and pointed to the door.
"It's time to go," she said, smiling with that usual smile of hers.
I knew my face was turning red. I looked away, worried that she might notice my constant fidgeting.
Notice and then laugh at me...
"U-Uh, yeah. Let's go."
I brushed past her and my fellow comrades, feeling their gaze upon me as I walked brusquely out the door. I lowered my head and allowed loose strands of hair to fall into my face. Closing my eyes behind my dark red glasses, I sighed, feeling ashamed of myself.
She probably thinks that I'm such an idiot…
I glanced up, scanning for something to focus my mind on to keep myself from seeming so suspicious about my abrupt actions. When nothing replaced my emotions, I turned to meet the eyes of my younger brother, who was staring befuddled at me. I shrugged and looked away.
"Hey, Big Suou?" The clicking of Ulala's suede boots gradually moved closer to my side as I continued to pretend to stare down the street.
"Hmm? What is it?" I asked, sounding ignorant.
"Well, we were...I was...Is something the matter? You seem, well...uptight about something..."
"I've no idea what you're talking about. I'm only thinking about the future battle ahead of us." I told her with that 'don't-be-absurd' tone in my voice.
"Okay, if you say so," she said, not completely convinced, but dropped the subject anyway, "Just don't stress over it too much. I know we'll be fine. If you keep worrying about it, you'll get ulcers." She forced a smile on the last remark.
Nodding, I followed after her and Maya down the street. I slowed my pace, allowing Baofu and my younger brother to pass along ahead, leaving me to bring up the rear.
I'm not just worried about the final battle; I'm worried about what will happen when it's all over. No, I'm just getting used to having comrades. I need to cut it out. What was it that Baofu said? To unwind more. To be more like him--carefree.
My gaze followed the heels of my brother's footsteps. Only one step closer than the last to our final destination: the Sumaru Castle. Suddenly, I didn't want to end this battle. I wanted to keep my friends always by my side. I didn't want to have to think about life without them always there. To me, it felt as though they had been there since the beginning, and I couldn't help but feel depressed to know that they would no longer be there after this was all over.
I felt my throat begin to tighten, making it almost impossible to breathe. My pace quickened, almost passing my brother again. Realizing what was I was doing, I abruptly stopped and slowed down.
'What am I thinking? Serizawa's right, I am pretty uptight.'
"What's the matter?"
'I'm not sure. I feel like I'm about to lose something important.'
"Huh?"
I jerked my head to the side, nearly losing my balance. Maya was right beside me, following my pace.
I forced a smile. For some apparent reason, her just being with me seemed to ease my tension.
"You just look like you're lost in thought. Do you need someone to talk to?" she asked, tilting her head to one side.
'Yeah, in fact, I need someone to come in and clean up my life. Right now, I'm just a mess.'
"Oh, I was just...thinking...but, uh, if you need someone to talk to, then I'm...here for you. I mean, of course, you don't have to. I'm ju--"
"That's sweet of you. I don't mind talking--if you're up to it, that is."
'Talking? Ha, that's one thing I'm not too good at. I've just always had a problem expressing my feelings.'
"Yeah, uh, that sounds...great..."
"Good, because I really need someone to talk to. You see, I'm worried." Her face dropped and I was almost tempted to reach out and hold her.
'Yeah, so am I. Worried about losing this war, worried about losing my home and friends, worried about losing my brother...
...Worried about losing you…'
"About what? Is there something I can do to help? Anything?"
She smiled.
"I'm worried that...well, about not being able to beat this evil. I'm worried that I might not be strong enough, or that I might let everyone down...I know, it's stupid..." She shrugged it off.
'Stupid? You're not stupid. You're the rising sun in my eyes, Maya. Nothing you say is stupid.'
"No it's not. It's natural to have doubts when it comes to something tough that we believe we can't do. It's just our self-doubt interfering with our confidence. The truth is...I'm having second thoughts too."
She turned to stare at me, her face surprised at my words.
"You? Katsuya? But why?"
'Because I might not be strong enough to help be needed in this battle. Because I might not be strong enough to protect my brother, or my friends. Because I might not be strong enough to protect you.'
"I don't know. It just seems like Nyarlathotep thrives off of our fear and hate. I just wonder how much he has to laugh about. Is he even worried about losing? Well, when he has pawns like Tatsuzou, then I guess not..." I shrugged.
She looked ahead, pondering for a moment. She cocked her head to one side and gazed back at me, wide eyed.
"I think…that it might be because he has won for so long. Because the truth is that he has a great advantage above our heads. His power being so intimidating, winning might just come naturally to him. No one wants to lose, Katsuya, but everyone has to sometime. It's just the way life goes. Nyarlathotep doesn't realize that, however. He's so intent on succeeding that he's blinded by what is really reality. And that is his biggest flaw--his weak point. We can and will win this. Let's just think positive."
''Just think positive.' Those words of yours are what started it all, Maya. They were what drug me by my feet and made me swear to myself that I would always protect you.'
"You're right, Miss Amano. Thank you."
"For what?"
'For always being there for me. For always having something to say that can pull me back out from my black hole of self-destruction.
Something has been tugging at me from the inside--my own self. My own clone with thoughts and fears that torment me. How can you be so carefree? You're so strong. I want to be like that. I want to...so I can protect everyone that I care about.'
"For hearing me out. At first I thought that it was only me who felt this way, and I was ashamed for having doubts. Thank you for listening."
"No, thank you for listening to me." Laughing, she said, "At first it was me who needed the advice, but it turned out that I was the one who was once again giving it."
'Maya, so optimistic, so cheerful. She never has a care in the world…'
She smiled brightly and looked as though she were about to say something else until another voice broke the conversation between us.
"Maya..."
We both turned to see my brother looking over his shoulder. Maya nodded and ran to catch up with him. He put an arm around her shoulders and she gave in, leaning against him.
'No…no, this can't be…'
Everything was ripped out from right underneath me.
I glanced away, incensed at the sight. I clenched my fists so tightly that the color drained from them, the knuckles becoming completely white.
'What did he have that I didn't?'
I concentrated on breathing deeply...in and out...
'Why couldn't I be lucky? Just for once?'
I forced myself to close my eyes--to forget everything. I fought hard to make myself swallow, but it seemed as though my throat had collapsed within itself. It was even harder to try and breathe. My stomach contracted, cramping my muscles and making it much more difficult to maneuver. I began to stumble on the sidewalk, my feet moving offbeat.
I want to tear him apart. I want to hurt him, just like he did me. I want him to feel the same as I have for so long. Every time I'm happy...
'...Every time that I find something worth loving...
...You... ...YOU... ...take it away from me…'
Inside, my heart pounded fiercely, as if someone had speared a hand through my chest and was squeezing until it exploded. I gasped for air.
I felt like dying.
'Don't do this, don't do this! Not in front of her, don't give into your brother.'
I glared at Tatsuya, detestation filling my eyes behind my maroon colored glasses. He glanced once or twice over at Maya, mumbling something each time.
You hate him now, don't you?
Hate him? No, he's my brother…
You hate him now, don't you Katsuya?
How could I?
You've been playing the perfect brother for years now, haven't you? You've allowed him to live with you, you took on the burden of raising him, and you've even been saving up your salary for his college funds. And what's he given in return?
N-No...I don't regret it. I don't regret anything!
Lying is the root of all evil, Katsuya. You know that better than anyone. You know your own secrets--how you detest your family. If not for them, you could've had your way.
No, that's not...true...
He's even taken possession of the one woman you really love.
But...I...
You feel it now, don't you? That surge of hatred; you detest him. Always getting what he wants no matter what it is.
No, I should be happy for him. He learned from my mistakes. He can protect Maya, unlike me. I'm so useless sometimes. I wish I could be as strong as he is.
Stop denying it. You want to kill him. You know you can be just as strong as he is. Face the facts Suou, you're losing it.
Maybe I am.
So? Do it. You have the gun, shoot him. Nothing's stopping you. It's not like someone's twisting your arm. Just shoot him.
Where was I now?
The Room Of Reason. My past, all revealed in front of me--to everybody. The day I turned down my all of my dreams to become the one thing that I didn't want to be.
A cop.
Just like my father. A cop. Always running around shouting, as Ulala would say, "Justice! Justice! Justice!" It was humiliating just to think about it. Now, all the cards were on the table.
Persona, like a God or a Devil, inside of you. Why not put it to some use? It's all right in front of you. Just shoot your brother. Why put up with such a nuisance any longer?
Why should I?
You've become weary of acting out this lie. The lie of a devoted son. The lie of a brother who cares about his younger sibling. Your love and devotion to your family is merely a role. A pathetic role to keep you from thinking about how much you really despise them all. The ones who stripped you of everything.
"Suou? What's the matter?" Baofu turned towards me. "Stay focused! Don't let him win! He's only telling you lies!" Evidently, he could see that he was getting nowhere. "Suou!"
"I...don't...believe your...lies..." I told him...or...was I trying to tell myself? Was I truly trying to convince myself?
Lies? What are you babbling about? That woman! You're in love with that woman! Yes, Katsuya, Maya Amano! You're in love with her!
I heard both Maya and Tatsuya gasp, as though it were a big shock.
Well it was to me.
Even I could never admit my feelings for her to myself. It was strange to hear it from someone else's mouth--no, my own clone's mouth.
You're just hiding yourself, your TRUE self, in front of your friends and brother. Forget such a worthless sap. You can still achieve your dreams. Do it, Katsuya. He's not worthy of your protection. Why act as though he is? Maya, your dream as a chef…everything! That ungrateful brat doesn't deserve all that you've worked so hard to become. He doesn't deserve to claim what is rightfully yours. Take it back, Katsuya, take it ALL back...
I could no longer deny it to myself--my deepest feelings and desires. The voice was right. I turned on my heels, armed with my revolver, and pointed the end of the barrel at my brother's head.
"Big Suou? No! Don't give into that creep!" came Ulala's desperate plea. When she saw that I would not listen to her, she turned to Maya for help, "Ma-ya! You have bring Katsuya to his senses! You're the only one who can reach him! He's gonna shoot his brother!"
I could feel Maya's gaze upon me, but I didn't bother to turn. My eyes narrowed dangerously, eyebrows furrowing together, as my lips pursed. Tatsuya merely lowered his head in shame and said nothing. It was as though he was anticipating it. He just stood there...waiting.
My arm began to grow unsteady, the fingers that gripped the butt of the gun sweating and growing numb from my fierce hold on it.
Are you waiting for me to shoot you, Tatsuya?
Why didn't he move? Why didn't he yell something at me? Call me a fool, Tatsuya, call me an ignorant fool! Isn't that what I am to you? Isn't it? A fool for even trying, right? For even thinking I could fall in love. No, you're always there to take it away from me!
My burden...To raise you is my burden. The one reason why I couldn't fulfill my dreams.
I hate you Tatsuya! Tell me you hate me back! I need to hear that! Those words from your mouth! Tell me you hate me!
…Just like I've hated myself for hating you.
But, he said nothing.
Of course she would choose him over me. He is the one who has it all. And me…I am the one who has nothing. I'm deadweight to my friends. It's all my fault. Just like at Aoba Park when everyone knew that it was a trap...Everyone except me.
I just wanted to believe that I could finally learn what happened that day. And perhaps I did, though it did cost the lives of the Captain and Chief. Of all people to be behind the scandal--them!--the two I actually trusted in.
Just how Baofu put it, sharing my problems with everyone else meant that I just wanted sympathy and wasn't accepting the results. That I wasn't taking life seriously. I even almost lost my life that day.
Me, a cop, who is suppose to be careful and to know how to handle those types of situations. Who is trained to learn the difference and to take action. Isn't that why I was trying to become a detective?
I was only being reckless, just focusing on my father, and yet I almost died. She saved me, and I forgot to thank her.
Actually, I did thank her. Unfortunately it was later. A LOT later. Later than the situation really called for.
I'm so helpless. I can't do anything without the help of others. I can't even be independent if I wanted to. I'm such a shameful sight. Baofu was right...I could do nothing without the police, or my badge, or even the help of my fellow companions.
Around everyone else, I could clam up and be that hardheaded, autonomous, insensitive Katsuya that drives all the women crazy and makes the men stare in envy. Around my brother and my friends, I am only another thorn in their side, the Katsuya that is desperately trying to make it in this world.
Of course she would choose him. Tatsuya can do anything without relying on anyone. He can protect her. Unlike me, he can protect everyone.
"You selfish, sorry excuse for a human being..." I muttered, more to myself than to Tatsuya.
Are you being spiteful, Katsuya? Shoot him already! The sooner you accomplish that, the better it all will be...
Would it really be that much better if I shot and killed my own brother?
I wanted to cry. Lord, how I wanted to just break down and cry.
"I believe in you...Katsuya..."
Maya stepped forward, crossing her hands over her chest and fingered the loose scarf around her neck.
'Please, don't do this…'
She was crying, I could hear her whimpering softly.
I made her cry. How could I do that to her? I hate myself. I'm no better off than Nyarlathotep or the Captain and Chief.
...I had made her cry.
But it was time to face up to the facts. No more games. If there was one thing that I could do right, it could be done now. If Maya could believe in me, then maybe I could believe in myself. I owed her that much.
"Tatsuya," I said in an icy tone that seemed to send chills up his spine, "Listen to me...What he is saying is..." I paused before continuing, confirming my decision, "half true, and half false!"
Before the shadow could comprehend what I had just said, I whirled my body around and jerked the gun over my shoulder, pulling the trigger. The shadow fell to one knee and looked at me, stunned.
"You made a foolish mistake. You tried to tear my brother and I apart with your words--words that are no act. You can't fool me anymore. I CAN protect everyone. I'm not that weak." I turned my head slightly, not entirely looking at him, but not entirely missing him either, "You're not needed anymore...Get lost."
Hmph…Too bad Katsuya. You could've had it all.
I didn't need it all. I don't need what will hurt others.
The shadow disappeared in a glimpse of a light, chuckling as he went. I lowered my head, slowly stepping towards Tatsuya, and put an arm on my brother's shoulder.
"Brother," he said softly, trying to find the right words to say, "I'm...sorry...I..."
He stopped, but I knew.
"Tatsuya, smile," I said, grinning. "You're my brother. I won't let anything happen to you. Whatever he said, ignore it. You and I are no act. I do love you, little brother." I knew it. I was deceiving myself again. But this time, I was happy for Tatsuya. However, I was still uncertain for the rest of my companions. I diverted my gaze to meet theirs and managed to say, "I brought this on myself and then forced you all into it. I'm sorry, but...it's okay now. I finally accepted myself for what I am and not for what I could've been."
'I won't do this again, Tatsuya, I won't.'
They watched me in silence for a moment as I turned and walked away. I knew that they wanted to persist more, but thought better of it and cut into a conversation speculating Nyarlathotep's current plans for us, now that they had just witnessed firsthand what had happened to me.
Sounds of soft movement perked my ears up and I whirled around. Maya looked at me, unsure of what to say.
"Katsuya..." she finally began. "I'm so proud of you, not to let the shadow's voice influence you to shoot Tatsuya, even if that's what may have been on your mind..."
My face once again grew warm and my palms became sweaty. I changed the subject, knowing that what the shadow had said about my feelings for her were still lingering in her thoughts at the moment.
"Miss Amano...Listen, what he said...only half of that was the truth...the whole truth...and the other…half...Well, love and...stuff like that..." I shook my head and laughed softly.
What was I talking about? What was I trying to prove this time? I was going to have to get over this.
"Thank you, Maya. You know, it was because of you...that...I...Tatsuya...he needs you now...Take care of…" I almost had to choke the last words out, "…my little brother…"
I don't want to give her up…but…he deserves her.
She had to smile too--a forced smile, and then Maya quickly walked away.
I knew why.
There was no reason to explain things. If she had stayed there a moment longer, I think one of us would've started to cry, presumably me. In fact, I had to wipe away the brim of tears that flooded my eyes with my sleeve.
'It was just the way things were…'
The waves crashed on the shore as seagulls hovered above in search of food. Reaching into my pocket, my fingers withdrew a cigarette and lit it. I hesitantly put it to my lips, then quickly took a puff.
That's the first time I've done that in a while. It feels strange to get back into it, but it's hard to kick an old habit.
I coughed a little bit, but stopped after a second.
Those memories keep haunting me. Though the Tatsuya from the "Other Side" is gone, I can't help but still feel as though I'm living with him now.
I still remembered the last battle. All the bloodshed, all the tears that fell, all the words spoken. I couldn't say anything...
It was over.
I had watched as Tatsuya passionately kissed Maya goodbye, reaching around her with his arms and pulling her close to him, as though for one moment he had been afraid to let her go. It was a stab in my heart, and I looked away, trying so hard to keep the tears suppressed in the back of my throat. But I couldn't stop the one tear that slid down my cheek and fell to the floor.
If only there had been no "Other Side." Maybe then I could've had a chance at romance.
Sometimes, I can't help but feel that he only protected her out of guilt from her death on the "Other Side"…
I shook my head.
No, I can't keep making up excuses. He really did love her, and she loved him. There was no room for me. I just had to accept that fact.
Today was a new day. Maybe my luck would start to change.
Nobody said that life was fair.
I took another puff on my cigarette and restrained from coughing a second time.
"You're smoking again?" the voice sounded disappointed.
"Things are uptight. Don't worry about it." I told my little brother as he neared my side and watched me take another puff.
"But I thought you stopped."
He seemed to protest a little bit, but caught himself.
Tatsuya, Tatsuya...One day you'll understand. You'll understand all of it. But for now, just enjoy your youth. Be thankful you don't remember what had happened just a few days, months, before. Be thankful that I don't have to worry myself sick again about where you were all that time I couldn't find you. Be thankful you don't have to see my face pained with sorrow as you pushed me away when you had a problem you didn't want to share.
"I did. I just needed some relief for awhile."
"In your old habits, huh?"
He wants me to tell him the truth. I can't do that.
"Tatsuya, it's not like I'm going to be a chain smoker again. Relax."
Don't let me be the cause of your depression. I'm not worth it. You have people that care about you. You have Maya, who will always love you. You have me, who will always be there for you. You have so many friends who adore you and that girl, Lisa Silverman, who will always be after your heart. You have a good life, Tatsuya, better than what I have.
But don't make me your burden, little brother. Just let me be me, your older brother, whom you can go back to hating if you want.
...I just want things to be normal again...
"I know, I know...I just worry sometimes, that's all." I had to laugh at that.
"Little brother, you paint me out to sound like I'm a psychotic felon or something. Should I feel bad about having one cigarette?"
Probably, but I'm the one who has to deal with it, not you.
"Katsuya," he said again after some time, changing the subject at last, "How do you become a detective?"
I grinned.
"You want me to teach you?" I began to move towards him, bringing an arm around his shoulder, as I dropped the cigarette into the sand and smothered it with the sole of my shoe. "All right, it's like this, Tatsuya, you have to..."
And here I go, on another two hour lecture on how to achieve your dreams. As if I would know. But that wasn't the point.
I wanted to help Tatsuya.
Sometimes I couldn't help but think of Maya. I still do, from time to time. I don't see her as often as I would like to, nor do I see anyone else who helped me in the war against the N.W.O., Nyarlathotep, and even ourselves, but when I do have the chance to see her walking down the street, I can't help but let the old feelings sink back in. I never have a chance to talk to her, but I get plenty of chances to think about her. Though I know she misses Tatsuya, I hope, in the midst of my mind, that sometimes she will think about me, too, from time to time.
'It was because of you, Maya, it was always because of you.'
And as I walked down the street, explaining to Tatsuya the difficulties about being a detective, I stopped to look at the Lunar Palace, her room alit, in hopes that she would be looking out. Though I knew that it was only a fantasy, one can only hope for such prosperity to happen.
And that one person was me.
Sob, that was so depressing, even for myself. I'm a hardcore Katsuya fan, so I wish nothing bad would've happened to him. Personally, I'm a Katsuya Maya fan and it just makes me so sad cuz' there's virtually nothing in English about them. ;;
It's quite depressing. Oh well. Maybe if I post my own story of them, I could become a trendsetter and people will start writing more Persona fics or something glorious like that. Oh well. Did you like the story? Hate it? If so, let me know! Oh, but no spamming or lewd remarks from those CERTAIN reviewers that like to tear down peoples' esteems. Those comments really don't make you look very smart. Plus, it annoys me. I like CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.
PB13115