The Interview
A Bridget Jones/Buffy the Vampire Slayer Crossover
Tuesday 15th July
128 lbs. (am size of double-decker bus!), alcohol units 5, cigarettes 12 (unfortunate restraint from California government), fat units 3 (one chocolate croissant!).
10:30 am. Holiday Inn. Room 213. Have made it. Am finally published journalist on special assignment in Los Angeles, California. Few white lies about expertise in on-the-spot interviews with major Hollywood celebrities is certainly worth it to interview popular cast of television series. Wonder who I will get to interview, perhaps cast of Friends sitcom, or Jerry Seinfeld!
California weather is unbelievably hot in mid-summer. Have packed seven wispy dresses, zero pairs granny panties, and many sets of glamorous sunglasses to dazzle Hollywood crowd and gain their trust and attention. Important to remember Inner Poise. Am award winning journalist, pride of the English people. Also, celebrities are just normal people with lots of money, but really just people. They star in movies and on popular television programs, but are just normal people with normal lives, like Colin Firth.
12:45 pm. Taxi en-route to Hollywood Studio. Was late to taxi, so room service called up to see if everything was alright. Had been daydreaming, staring off out of window at pretty sparkling ocean. Ocean is certainly beautiful. When looked up, realized that taxi driver had been waiting outside for nearly fifteen minutes and would certainly be late for studio appointment. Looked in mirror, only to find that hair had started doing peaks and horns as if sensing stress of upcoming appointment and utter lateness. Finally fell into cold leather cab seat at 12:29, panting and touching head distractedly to make sure hair had not started back towards sky. Everything is still okay on head. Am headed for studio!
1:50 pm. In Hollywood, no one is on-time. Despite fifteen minutes late to cab, twenty minutes in late morning traffic, and struggle to find appropriate drop-off point, was still at studio before director's media assistant arrived to meet me. When she did pop up, not out of breath and completely immaculate, was spunky, perky stick insect, and made me feel short, fat, and stupid, all with her smile.
"Bridget Jones, right? From The Independent? I'm Erin, Mr. Whedon's media assistant."
"Oh, right, Mr. uh, Mr. Whedon."
"Right this way please. The cast is waiting for you in the studio."
Erin was fast, even on oddly high-heeled shoes that further impressed that was indeed shortest person in entire city, possibly in entire world. Had to run to keep up with long-legged, model-like media assistant. Seriously considered stealing one of lot's golf carts until Erin came to an abrupt halt in front of Studio 3.
Oh god, this is it. Will meet entire cast of Friends and completely forget how to speak or write proper words. Instead, will just stare at Mr. LeBlanc and try not to faint. Must remain calm. Must keep wits. Must breathe, remember inner poise. Head jabbed with pain, trying to remember first name of Mr. Whedon.
7:30 pm. Ugh. Have spent entire day interviewing producer of action show for American teenagers. Have never heard of program and now must go back to hotel and watch entire season on provided videotapes before interviewing cast on Thursday. Mr. Whedon, turns out, was first-named Joss, which found a particularly unusual name. Mr. Whedon, or Joss as he preferred, was writer and producer and director, nice gentleman, complimented British accent.
10:30pm. Okay, am ready. Have just gotten off phone with Mark, working in New York while am working on story. Mark says he has also not heard of program, but that it must be good if Independent paid for all expenses to come to California. Have lovely delicious Japanese type food that front desk girl with strange pierced eyebrow recommended. Smells fishy, but tastes good, and also healthy. Am real California journalist, eating healthy and doing real work.
10:33pm. Cannot figure out how to work the video.
10:35pm. Have got the tape in now.
10:37pm. Player spit out tape. Am calling front desk person.
10:45pm. Tape is in and playing. Have got strange, sweet Japanese wine. Is very good.
2:14am. How did I not know this program existed?!
Thursday July 17th
125lbs (have stopped eating to watch program), cigarettes 14 (smoked out of window while watching program), alcohol units 4 (all Japanese wine)
8:00am. Have stayed up all night and all day watching television program for teenagers. Am addicted. Program is like Doctor Who but better because love interest is incredibly sexy, and girl hero is spunky and fun like Rachel from Friends but with super powers. Also, program has geeky but very attractive older British man.
7:00pm. Hyped up on caffeine (four cappuccinos and two double shots), arrived at studio an hour before stick-insect media assistant Erin. Waited around outside of studio going over questions for cast. Unfortunately, noticed that most questions were directed at sexy love interest called "Angel" (don't know his real name, will find out on video box). Had couple of questions for cute girl hero, but none for rest of cast. Sat on bench trying to think of more questions, but could only think about sexy "Angel" character and his naked bottom in third episode of season. Very sexy, like Mark Darcy but younger.
Stick insect assistant showed up in inappropriate short skirt outfit, upstaging carefully picked out navy suit and dotted blouse with poof sleeves. Practically ran after Erin for several blocks of fake sidewalk to studio where series was being filmed. Was given pass to see taping of program and then would do interview of cast members including cute girl hero ('Buffy') with long name that can't remember, sexy love interest ('Angel'), British older man who plays sexy father figure ('Giles'), and director.
Taping was very interesting, entertaining episode where "Buffy" character gets weird mental problem where she hears voices and "Angel" character saves her. It's very romantic and yummy. After taping, joined cast members over catered lunch. Cast members seemed very normal on outside, but very sexy on inside. Stared at notebook for several minutes chewing on lip before thought to ask question.
Listening to tape now and think interview went very well. Editor from The Independent wants just tape, to put exact words and exact answers into feature column. After all, have fans to appease with brilliant journalism skills.
Friday August 1st
128 lbs, cigarettes 26, calories 3,055, papers purchased to save for children, parents, future fans 11 (v.g.)
8:06am. Paper has not come.
8:07am. Paper still has not come.
8:10am. Paper has come! Sent Mark Darcy to retrieve from door step.
9:00am. Oh God.
9:01am. Oh God. Interview is very very bad. Mark Darcy says interview is good but do not believe him. It is very very bad, worse than Colin Firth interview despite new exotic location. This is what is printed in paper.
Mr. Whedon (JW): Miss Jones? Sorry, but we don't have a lot of time here.
BJ: (crash) Right. Right. Uh. (long pause, shuffling of paper) Mr. uh, Angel. What was it like filming the episode where you're naked on the floor?
Mr. Boreanaz (DB): Please call me David. Hm, as to the scene-I think fans were really glad when I came back to the show after a short absence. That scene was really important because it made the character's re-entry dramatic and interesting, and yet completely unexplained. Joss and the other writers are really good at leaving a cliffhanger. Always keep them wanting more, right?
BJ: Weren't you, um, cold?
DB: Well, that's all part of the process isn't it? Actually, I think it was pretty warm in the studio that day.
BJ: (disappointed) Oh. But you were naked, uh, weren't you?
DB: Uh, yes. But this is a television program, so we couldn't show anything.
BJ: Right, right. Hm. Hmmmm. (pause, heavy breathing) Uh, and you, Miss, um, Buffy. Do you have any other projects right now, or are you focused on this program?
Miss Gellar (SMG): Sarah is fine, really. I'm actually just focusing on the show right now. It keeps everyone pretty busy. I really love the writing and the fight scenes. I think the character is really important to young women, as a role model, someone to connect to.
BJ: David, back to you. In the scene where you cry and grab Buffy's waist, um, you looked like you were sweating. Was it, uh, hot?
DB: I don't really remember.
BJ: Oh. Well, it looked (breathy) hot. Very hot. Sarah, what's it like doing such romantic sex scenes with David?
SMG: Heh. Actually, it's pretty awkward. We're all friends here, but David is more like a brother to me than a lover. I actually have a boyfriend, so I just try to think about him.
BJ: Oh. So, David, you're single?
DB: Uh, no. I have a girlfriend.
BJ: (sadly) Oh. (shuffling) Joss, what's um, what's your favorite colour?
JW: Uh, I don't…blue?
BJ: Right. Good. Um, do you have any other projects you're working on?
JW: Well, I'm working on some comic books that revolve around the Buffy universe. I'm also developing a sci-fi western comedy. But right now I'm focused on Buffy. I'm really glad that the show is taking off and gaining popularity.
BJ: Right. Right. David, uh, do you think "Angel" will have another sex scene with "Buffy" this season? I mean, I'm sure the fans would love to see you…the two of you, I mean…get together…like that.
DB: Well, since "Angel" turns evil if he and "Buffy" are together, I'd have to say no. I think in this season, we'll see a lot of maturity in the characters and, even as they move together, they move apart.
BJ: Oh. (quietly) Oh no. (shuffling of papers) Mr. um Mr. Head, what is your…um…your favorite colour?
Mr. Head (ASH): Hm, green I suppose.
BJ: Right. Well, I think that's everything. Thank you so much. How do I turn this contraption off? Oh, oh thank you. There we—
10:05am. Editor from The Independent has just called. Loved interview. Said he expected lots of fan letters and mail, plus more interviews! He has also gotten fax from Mr. Whedon and cast which says that they loved weird interview style and would love to have me back for another go. Am award-winning journalist. Expect to be talk of newspaper business. Will get fan letters, freelance jobs, and trips to award banquets. Surely have banquets for freelance journalists of small independent newspapers. Also plaques. And paid holiday!