Better
summary: Barry being gone was the deepest and most profound loss they had to endure as a team, as a family. But when he returns home to them they realize he may not be the man, the son, the friend, the Barry they knew. But as difficult as it might be, different has to be better than being without. [tag to 4x01]
genre: Family, Hurt-Comfort
rated: T
authors note: Title and lyrics are courtesy of the song "Better" by Jason Mraz. I adored the season premiere. I thought it was a perfect balance of light and dark, hope and hopelessness that allowed that characters space to evolve separately and together. May go down as one of my favorite episodes. Anyway, thank you for reading!
Cecile
It's something like I apologize
It's something I still can't decide
But it only gets better
Cecile couldn't bring herself to believe when she got the call from the State Police officer that had recognized Barry, not until she saw the shaking young man wrapped in an oversized blanket outside the station. She almost hadn't recognized him, his hair unkempt and messy, his lower face obscured by a scruffy beard. They had warned her that he was out of it. He wasn't speaking and seemed to not know where he was or how he'd gotten there. She discretely ushered him into one of the holding rooms, offering him a fresh set of clothes. All the while he said nothing to her, made no inkling that he even recognized her as he cautiously reached an arm out from between the folds of the blanket to accept the shirt, sweatpants, and tennis shoes. She gave him a small smile, assuring him she'd be right back but he didn't seem to care. Giving him some privacy, she walked out of the room, closing the door behind her and pulled out her phone. Her finger hovered over the call button at Joe's name.
What would she say? This was the news they'd been waiting for, the hope they'd all been holding on to, a hope that had been slowly slipping away over the course of the last six months. Why did this feel difficult, why was she hesitant to break the news? It should be easy, simple. Except there was nothing simple about the grief she saw nearly break each member of that family separately but strengthen them collectively. Whatever words she chose to say to Joe would change everything, would be the moment they could all breathe again without that feeling that something vital to them all was missing.
"Joe, he's here. Barry is here."
The call hadn't been more than a few minutes, Joe promising they'd be there as soon as possible. She took a deep breath before returning to the room, praying that it all wasn't some dream and Barry Allen was indeed alive and here. As she entered she saw him, now fully clothed, sitting against the far wall, hands clutching his head as if in pain, mumbling quiet words to himself. She approached him cautiously, calling out his name in the softest voice she could. He looked up at her but the mumbling stopped. She asked him if he was okay, if she could get him anything, resisting the urge to hug him him because she knew better with victims in shock. He met her eyes before adjusting his gaze to the floor, taking his right hand and mimicking writing with his finger.
He was trying to communicate. Cecile quickly left the room, grabbing the first thing she could get her hands on, a black marker and a notepad. As she approached him, he reached for the marker and sprung to his feet, ignoring the pad of paper and bypassing her completely, long-legged strides to the far wall with the glass panels and began drawing symbols feverishly.
She tried to talk to him, asking questions. He mostly ignored her her presence, turning to her only once.
"Can you see the stars, blinking?" he asked, his eyes pleading before clenching tightly. "Sinking, thinking, can't think," he added as his voice tapered off, turning away from her to resume his drawing.
She stayed with him, watching in silence as he bounced from one side of the room to the other as he wrote foreign symbols across the windows, panels and painted walls. She studied the face that switched from intense concentration as he scribbled to satisfaction as he completed a new set of symbols. The beard made him look older, more like his age than the clean, baby face she had been accustomed to seeing. He somehow looked tired and energized at the same time, his eyes bright but missing that light behind them that was distinctive of Barry Allen. Her observation was interrupted when she finally received the text from Joe that they had arrived. Closing the door behind her as she exited, she leaned back against the door for a moment, taking a deep breath. Cecile thought the call had been difficult to make. What was coming next would be a lot harder.
"You should prepare yourselves."
Cecile had worked with Barry Allen for about five years now since he started at CCPD, the young man quickly going from a forensic assistant to the most reliable CSI in the entire precinct. Despite his tardiness and unexplained absences, he always got the job done and done well. She always had everything she needed to do her job as DA when Barry Allen had worked the case. He was always kind, always smiled at her when she would come by the station. When she started dating Joe, the smile he would greet her with changed from one of friendliness to fondness. He had pulled her aside once and told her how happy he was that she and Joe were together, grateful to her that she was so understanding of how important their unique family was to Joe. And she did understand. She respected the sanctity of movie night because she knew it was a tradition started long ago by Joe, Iris and Barry when the three of them were creating traditions as a new family. She admired how much Joe adored his kids, how deeply he loved his daughter, how much room he had in his heart for a boy that wasn't originally his, and how proud he was of the son that he'd only just met two years ago. She wouldn't dare try to instill herself as first priority in Joe's life, just like he knew that her daughter was hers. Finding the balance between their two separate lives to start one together was no easy task, but both Cecile and Joe were equal to it. To be thanked for that by Barry had brought her to tears because she also knew just how much Joe meant to him.
"Your honor, I'm innocent. I didn't do this, I didn't kill anybody," uttered in a calm sincerity, said in such a Barry Allen way that if she didn't know how scrambled he was, Cecile would feel compelled to ask questions about the crime he claimed he didn't commit. But then his tone changed, switching almost instantly into a question about hearing the stars, asked in a crazed confusion that took her completely out of seeing the Barry Allen she knew. To see that same young man, this brilliant and kind young man like this now, to know how much it was going to hurt Joe, she had to choke back tears.
Cecile had been there for Joe at the end of the days he'd had to remain strong for Iris, Wally and Cisco, only allowing himself to break down when they were alone. She held him while he had cried, listened to stories about the eleven year old boy he took in told with tearful smiles, watched as he would flip through photo albums or linger in the hall past the slightly ajar door of Barry's old room.
While in the process of moving in, Cecile never once suggested changing the spaces of Iris' old room or Barry's, knowing Joe kept them the way they left them so they could always feel like they had a place to come home to. But Iris had offered up hers to transition over to a guest room that Joanie could utilize when she came home from school. Iris hadn't used it since she and Barry started dating, always sleeping in Barry's old room whenever they slept over the West home. Even now with him gone, Iris would still sleep in it. Even though she couldn't bare to sleep in the bed and the space that she and Barry had shared, for whatever reason Iris found sleeping in the space that used to be his brought her comfort.
But on most days, the door to what once was Barry's room remained closed. They had to walk past the room at every pass down the hall because it was the first door on the right at the end of the stairs. Some days she would walk past and see the door slightly open, knowing that for a moment, Joe must have opened it to feel like Barry was still here. Some days she would catch him walking around the room, picking up odds and ends left behind that Joe knew the story of each item. Other days she'd find him sitting in the chair near the bed, the chair she knew where a younger Joe had sat beside the bed of a young boy at night, a young boy who was scared of the dark, whose nightmares woke him screaming, who cried because he missed his mother, who took comfort in Joe's presence because it made him feel safe.
Cecile could not relate to the pain Iris and Joe were going through and was in awe of the West family. Despite their broken hearts, they still worked every day to carry on, to help the city in Barry's absence, and to try to be brave for each other. But Cecile knew the truth, that the West family wasn't complete without Barry Allen.
As she watched him now, watched the small family's joy of his return be tarnished by their concern and disappointment, Cecile's own heart ached for them all. But as Joe caught Barry in his arms after Caitlin sedated him, as he wrapped his arms around Barry and held him to his chest, Cecile knew they would find a way to get through this. She'd offer her help in anyway she could, but she knew they wouldn't need her. Cecile had heard stories, knew Joe and Barry, Iris and the gathered group had already been through so much together. There was no reason for her to believe that this would be any different.