How the X-Axis Stole the Big Game

I.

SANTA CLARA, CALIFORNIA: Home of THE BIG GAME

February 7, 2016

"I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing here." said Jugram Haschwalth. "You're telling me that people shell out thousands of dollars to watch large men run around a field with an egg-shaped ball?" Bambietta Basterbine was wearing a black Carolina Panthers jersey with the name "BAMBI-CHAN" on the back. "You're asking whether I object to muscular guys running around getting sweaty?" she said. "Hrm, fair point. Although you'll still have to explain a few things. Like what the purpose of this 'dabbing' is."

As they walked, a shadowy figure watched from atop a nearby building. "Sweet, sweet Honey-Bottom. How unfortunate to find you amongst the rabble." said Lille Barro. Behind him were his fellow Sternritter Gremmy Thoumeaux, PePe Waccabrada, and Gerard Valkyrie. "First of all, the 'Honey-Bottom' thing just gets creepier every time you say it." said Gremmy. "Secondly, what are we even doing here? Does His Majesty know that we're here?" "His Majesty is occupied at the moment." Elsewhere, Yhwach was listening to rap music and dancing along to it. "Now watch me whip~! Now watch me Nae Nae~! Now watch me whip~"

"Now then, where is my ward?" asked Lille. "Occupied." replied Gremmy. Elsewhere, Yuzu Kurosaki was staring intensely at a computer screen. The title screen of the game she was playing read "John Cena's Sexy High School Adventure".

"Now please tell me this isn't your only reason for dragging us here. Pining after a hopeless affection?" asked PePe. "Pfft, yeah that ain't it. He's just a really bitter Patriots fan." added Gerard. "Silence! My furious football fanaticism will not be curtailed by your miserable mockery!" yelled Lille, "And I will not stand for any affronts against our Lord and Savior, Tom Brady! This was to be the revenge for the unjust fiasco that was 'Deflategate', and yet it has set us up for further mockery! You've no idea of my suffering!" "Oh really, now? You're suffering?" PePe removed his shirt to reveal the Buffalo Bills logo tattooed on his belly. "You've no idea what suffering really is." "Oh please!" yelled Gremmy as he removed his hoodie to reveal a Cleveland Browns jersey. "THIS is the true image of despair and suffering!"

"Ho-hum." sighed Gerard, who wore a Minnesota Vikings cap backwards, and was looking at his phone. "Oh, here's a good one." He showed a picture of a crying Tom Brady, with the caption, "He kept saying 'Omaha', and then he beat me again!" "Loathsome imbecile! You'll regret the day you mocked me for all eternity!" yelled Lille. As he reached for Gerard's phone, Gerard tauntingly held it out of reach. Gremmy sighed. "I can only see good things coming from this."

II.

"Now then Lille, thou mayest deal with the traitors as thou pleases." said Yhwach in Lille's vision. "But to truly fulfill mine wishes..." His face came into view, revealing an Oakland Raiders cap. "...thou must destroy the Denver Broncos." "And that is how His Majesty relayed it to me." said Lille in the present. "Bullshit." said Gerard. "First of all he doesn't talk like he's freaking Hamlet, secondly he's a Cowboys fan so I don't know what he'd be doing with a Raiders cap, thirdly-" "Silence! Do you doubt my honesty? I didn't think so. Now let's go cut some loose ends and bring an end to the 'Omaha' problem, shall we?" Lille began walking away. "Why does His Majesty allow him out of the house?" asked PePe. The other two Sternritter simply shrugged.

"So let me get this straight..." said Haschwalth to a man with a Broncos sweater, "if I take a swig of this liquid, I'll suddenly understand football better?" "Oh yeah yeah yeah...you'll understand a lot of things better, bud, trust me..." "Splendid! Here's the money, now to see the effects..." "Whatever ya say, pal." Jugo took a sip of the strange liquid, and suddenly his eyes widened, as his surroundings became rainbow-colored, and "Seperate Ways" began playing at a high speed. Jugo stared intensely at his hands. "Hey, Jugo...c'mon, the game's about to start, we need to get to our seats." said Bambi, grabbing Jugo, whose expression did not change.

A few moments later, Lille and the others arrived at the spot where Jugo drank the liquid. Lille picked up the cup and sniffed it. "Ugh...there's no denying it. It looks like our Grandmaster is feeling a different kind of Almighty." he said. "Four-twenty blaze it!" added Gerard.

Jugo stood in the stands without his shirt. "Anybody want a shirt?! I got a free shirt, anyone want it?" "What's wrong with you...?" asked Bambi. The other Sternritter were at a higher level in the stands. "Alright, we'll split up. As soon as someone finds them, give a signal." said Lille as he ran off. "Nobody give a signal. Like, at all." said Gremmy. The other two nodded in agreement. Jugo now stood behind the Panthers sideline. "Omahgawd it's Michael Oher! Dude, The Blind Side, amirite?" Bambi approached him. "Come on, knock it off, are you trying to get us kicked out?!" she asked.

Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the field, Lille snuck into the Broncos sideline, wearing their uniform. "Now you'll get yours, Manning, and this time, not even Nationwide will be enough to save you!" he thought.

III.

Gremmy, Gerard and PePe sat in their seats. Gremmy was peering at Lille through binoculars. "And there he is, once again making a total ass out of himself." "Is he really doing this? In plain view of everybody?" asked PePe. "No way. He might be an idiot, but nobody could be that level of stupid." added Gerard. "He's heading out there with the offense as we speak." said Gremmy. "Well I've been wrong before." said Gerard.

Bambi was watching, while Jugo sniffed his shoulder. "Hunh. Don't think I've seen that RB before." she said. "Wait...I've seen that air of pompousness before...oh no." Lille stood in the backfield. "You've uttered your last 'Omaha', fool!" he thought. Suddenly, he caught sight of Bambi. "Huh? Is that...Honey-Bottom?" Before he realized it he received the ball, and was swarmed immediately by Panthers. Gerard burst out laughing. "Aaaaaaand your latest Vine sensation, everybody." said Gremmy, holding his phone.

Eventually, halftime came, and the teams retreated to the locker room, Lille among them. "Yes...get the old Vol out of sight...perfect, but..." He looked and saw Bambi. "I know what must be done." he thought. As the stage came together and the show was seemingly about to begin, Bambi sat exasperated. "Where the hell did Jugo head to?" she thought. Suddenly, Lille, still in uniform, popped onto the stage. "The hell is he doing?" pondered Gremmy. As he appeared on the video board, he held up a sign. In big, bold letters, it read:

"BAMBI-CHAN, I LOVE YOU, WILL YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME?"

Bambi looked on, speechless and mortified. Not making things better was Jugo running onto the stage, stark-naked. "G-Grandmaster?!" said a shocked Lille. "You-" Jugo imagined Lille transforming into a potted plant. "You're the evil plant-man who stole all my waffles!" Jugo proceeded to tackle Lille. Bambi tried hiding her face. A Panther fan behind her commented, "Hey, aren't you the one the weirdo wants?" "I have no idea who those lunatics are." said Bambi, thoroughly embarrassed.

"Oooookay, this has gone on WAY too long." said Gremmy. In the middle of the field, a giant bear appeared. "Silence the rabble, Mr. Fluffybutt." The bear charged at the two Quincy struggling on the field. Jugo jumped away as the bear attacked Lille. "Ermagerd, it's Winnie the Pooh! I need your autograph!" said Jugo. "This is the weirdest halftime performance ever." said a Bronco fan. "Well they get points for originality." said a nearby Panther fan.

"And this is why I don't watch sports." said a young man sitting near Bambi. "Then why're you here, Mr..." Bambi looked at his name-tag. "...'Xi'? What kind of name is...ya know what, screw it. I'm fixing it myself." She leapt from her seat and onto the field.

Mr. Fluffybutt was choking Lille as Jugo smacked the bear's backside with a loaf of bread. Suddenly, explosions occured near them. They looked and saw Bambi, floating above the ground in her Vollstandig. "You, furball. Buzz off before I blast you off." The bear swiftly vanished. "OMG they've finally come for me, I'm too young to-" yelled Jugo before Bambi knocked him out with an explosion. Lille was on his knees, stunned. Bambi zipped over and grabbed him by the collar.

"H-Honey-Bottom! You've come for-" "Now listen to me you shit-faced, egotistical, rage-inducing, ass-licking, chicken-licking, carrot-sucking, fish-spanking, horse-loving, garden statue-ass mother****er! If you come near me again, if you ever think about me again, and if you ever, EVER call me that again...I will personally slice off your manhood, blast it into deep space, rip out your skull, use it as a toilet bowl, and then suck out the yolk from your head and make it into a fine omelet! Y'hear?!"

Lille began wimpering. "B-but Honey-Bottom, I-" Bambi growled as she grabbed his neck. Everything went dark as hitsparks appeared and screams of anguish rang out. "16 hits!" appeared as Bambi stood over Lille, with her back turned, and the Quincy zeichen appearing on her back. Small white flames appeared on Lille as he laid on the ground.

A short while later, security arrived. Lille remained on the ground. Bambi sat nonchalantly on the stage while Jugo lied on the field, motioning as if he were making a snow angel. Bambi had her arm around the Lombardi trophy. "None of y'all come near. Consider this compensation for my mental anguish."

The security guards backed away. Long after the crowd had left, Bambi remained on the stage, chewing bubble gum. Jugo dabbed, excitedly exclaiming to Bambi that he finally did it.

And that's how the Quincies won the Super Bowl.