WILLIAM MASLOW: User Guide and Manual
Congratulations! You've just purchased a WILLIAM MASLOW unit! This manual was written in order to allow you, the owner, to unlock your unit's full potential. Be warned: while WILLIAM MASLOW is easier to converse with than many of the other units available, it is also much more dangerous than many of the others. We advise that you read this manual carefully to avoid sudden, painful dismemberment and/or disembowelment, followed by death.
Technical Specifications:
Name: William Maslow. Will respond to "Gaardynia", "Sir", "General", sternly to "Doctor", affectionately to "Brother", irritably to "Demon", and with fury to anything involving his ancestry.
Age: 27
Place of Manufacture: Ju'wele City, Gaardynia
Height: 7'0"
Weight: 300 lbs.
Length: The creators of WILLIAM MASLOW take no responsibility for damages to your person.
Your WILLIAM MASLOW unit comes with the following:
Seven (7) Skin-tight armored bodysuits. (Due to complaints with multiple law-enforcement agencies, this unit no longer comes with the complete set of armor)
One (1) Brown trench coat
One (1) Miniaturized Surface-to-Air Missile
Three (3) Pairs of long denim pants/trousers
One (1) White military uniform
One (1) Gaardynian flag patch
Twenty Seven (27) First-aid kits (From us, to you)
Programming
Your WILLIAM MASLOW unit is equipped with the following traits:
Doctor: Just like those in Gaardynia, WILLIAM MOSLOW is one of the best doctors you can find, granted he didn't cause the injury in the first place, else, he will likely be busier with whatever caused him to injure you.
Architect: Considering Gaardynia's hyper-gravity, it is not a surprise WILLIAM MASLOW can build something and make it stand with as few materials as possible. Send him off to a construction site, and watch him rake in the dough.
Soldier: Under normal circumstances, this spot would be reserved for a "Bodyguard" tag, although, the creators of WILLIAM MOSLOW feel that a "Soldier" tag fits better. This is otherwise self-explanatory.
Pianist: We are not entirely sure where or why WILLIAM MOSLOW had picked up this skill, but his skill is second only to RODERICH EDELSTEIN.
Removal of your WILLIAM MOSLOW Unit from Packaging
WILLIAM MOSLOW likes sleep, as such, awakening him in the wrong manner can very well be a matter of life and death. We have composed a list of guaranteed safe ways to awaken your unit:
1) Knock on the box and politely ask him to get up. Do not be dissuaded if there is no immediate movement or noises, he heard you, and will get up when he is ready. We advise you to do something entertaining with this time, as your WILLIAM MOSLOW unit will eventually get up and look for you, before allowing you to reprogram him.
2) Stand about ten feet away from the box, and say sternly (preferably in a drill sergeant tone): "So that's it? After everything, you're just going to lie there? You really did fail". After saying this, your WILLIAM MOSLOW unit will break his way out of the box exclaiming that 'he is alive', and 'will not fail again'. It is advisable that you apologize to him afterwards.
3) Cook a meal and set it on a nearby table (never on the floor), when ready, your WILLIAM MOSLOW will claw his way out of the box and go to eat the food (Assuming the table is set, otherwise he will grab silverware and a chair beforehand). Feel free to reprogram him while he eats.
4) Play a sad song, preferably with crying in the background. This will result in your WILLIAM MOSLOW unit exiting the box before turning off the radio and going to comfort whoever was crying.
Reprogramming
After successfully getting your WILLIAM MOSLOW out of his box, you can decide to reprogram him to any of the following modes.
Apathetic (Default)
Alert (Default)
Sad
Protective
Drunk
Horny (Locked)
Hero (Locked)
The WILLIAM MOSLOW unit comes in his Alert mode. Being a soldier, he is always on the alert for hostiles, and will commonly be seen scanning buildings for snipers, and may tackle you to the ground if he thinks he see something..
The Apathetic mode is self-explanatory. While in this mode, WILLIAM MOSLOW will generally ignore the shenanigans of any other units, so long as they don't involve him. This mode is perfect for when you think your other units are planning something.
The Sad mode is simple to get into, and out of; simply reminding WILLIAM MOSLOW of his failures, or asking him 'how many died' will commonly cause him to enter this mode. While in this mode, WILLIAM MOSLOW will sulk in a corner and occasionally cry to himself. To get him out of this mode, well; anything will work, to be honest, though we recommend asking an ALICE GINANI to do it.
The Protective mode and the Apathetic mode cannot be active at the same time. WILLIAM MOSLOW will commonly swap between these two modes without any real rhyme or reason. While in Protective mode, expect him to be clingier, and expect to see him standing guard outside your door. (Be warned; we believe there may be a glitch in this mode, as it stands, we have made it harder swap into this mode, if there are any problems, call our number)
The Drunk mode seems to simply be a medium between all of WILLIAM MOSLOW's modes. Being an extreme lightweight, WILLIAM MOSLOW will rarely ever touch alcohol, though if he does, you likely won't even need to reprogram him.
The first locked mode, Horny, is locked for a reason. Once more, if you are hell-bent on unlocking this mode; we must remind you that you DID sign a waiver before receiving this unit, and that we are not responsible for any harm to yourself nor anything else nearby.
The second locked mode is only locked because we don't know what it is, what it does, or how to unlock it; it just appeared in the programming one day. If you can solve any of these, feel free to tell us as to provide a much more accurate manual.
Relationships with other units:
WILLIAM MOSLOW gets along well with almost every unit he is paired with as long as they are in their default programming. Be warned, placing WILLIAM MOSLOW with any unit under the effects of a locked programming will result in him attempting to viciously murder the other unit.
In order for any kind of relationship to form with any other unit (which we do not recommend as any obvious attempt could put WILLIAM MOSLOW in a hostile mode), WILLIAM MOSLOW must be in horny mode.
IVAN BRAGINSKI: Being two large, cold nations; both with difficult pasts, it make sense that these two would get along well. They can be seen talking with each other when not otherwise busy. WILLIAM MOSLOW almost always is in the company of an IVAN BRAGINSKI whenever a lot of people are around.
ALFRED F. JONES: WILLIAM MOSLOW is irritated to his wits end by this unit. Yet, despite all annoyances, ALFRED F. JONES is one of the few units that can reliably put a smile on WILLIAM MOSLOW's face. We recommend taking a picture, as it lasts longer.
LUDWIG BEILSCHMIDT: Being both soldiers, they can commonly be seen trying to outdo one another in almost anything. They also meet up every Tuesday to exchange something. We aren't sure what it is, and we don't want to risk our lives to find out what.
ALICE (ah-leh-cheh) GINANI: ALICE GINANI was a former colony of WILLIAM MOSLOW until it was giving independence. As such, WILLIAM MOSLOW sees ALICE GINANI as more of a little sister than anything else. Honestly, you would have a better chance of getting NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA to end in a relationship with MATTHEW WILLIAMS than getting a WILLIAM MOSLOW in a relationship with an ALICE CINANI.
Cleaning
Your WILLIAM MOSLOW is perfectly capable of cleaning himself. He doesn't mind bathing with others, although if you do, it will turn less into a bath; and more into a trip to the psychiatrist, dentist, and doctor, all at the same time. Expect to be accidentally touched… repeatedly.
Feeding
While WILLIAM MOSLOW can cook, and quite well, it is inadvisable to allow him near anything that can be classified as a weapon, like knives. (Once more, we believe this to be a result of the glitch mentioned above. There is a small percentage of anything going wrong, but we advise you not to take that risk)
Rest
As stated earlier, your WILLIAM MOSLOW enjoys sleeping, and will commonly be found resting from 11pm to 11am. It is inadvisable to wake him up unless it is an emergency.
Frequently Asked Questions*
*for a full listing of the FAQ, visit our website and look under WILLIAM MOSLOW
Q: My unit keeps disappearing and returning covered in blood, what do I do?
A: We warned you to keep him away from weapons, while this occurrence is uncommon, it is better to not take the risk. Just call our number and we will dispatch a termination squad and replace him for free.
Q: My WILLIAM MOSLOW just started randomly yelling at me, and is demanding his armor. What's going on?
A: Chances are, you had unlocked his hidden War mode. In this mode he still thinks he is still at war. Either try to get him out of it, or call our number and we will dispatch a reprogramming squad. Just don't give him any weapons, and you will be fine.
Troubleshooting
*for a full listing of the Troubleshooting, visit our website and look under WILLIAM MOSLOW
Problem: Instead of an adult, you've received a small child who follows you around and keeps calling you 'holy one'.
Solution: It seems we've accidentally sent you a CHIBIWITMARK instead. This unit is exactly like his adult counterpart, although he believes that he is living during the Reign of the Entities, and as such, he is much more submissive. It is not advisable to allow another WILLIAM MOSLOW to see this unit. You can call us and we will fix the order if you want. Chances are, if you received a CHIBIWITMARK unit, then some poor bastard with an ALICE GINANI won't be getting a sacrifice.
Problem: Your unit randomly appears directly behind you, biting you, and whispering creepy things into your ear.
Solution: Call our number and we will dispatch a termination squad and replace him for free. This is not a request, you are in serious danger, and don't let him see you doing this. You've unlocked your units Demon mode, this mode was brought on after years of mistreatment by the Entities. Though seriously, you need to call us, unless you want to be tortured and/or raped and/or murdered.
With the right care, treatment, and some proper manners, WILLIAM MOSLOW is a perfect companion. He has a lifelong guarantee, so take as long as you like.