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Lies and Truths and Five Little Words

"What is intended as a little white lie often ends up as a double feature in technicolor."
--Madena R. Wallingford

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I've told many 'little white lies' in my life. I never meant any harm by them...they were just stretches of the truth--obfuscations, if you will. But, I guess there are just some things you shouldn't lie about--good intentions or not. I didn't think that it mattered much, one way or another. I mean, who was to know the truth? But, as it turns out, someone did know the truth...And that someone changed everything.

The day started like any other, I went to the University and Jim went to the station. I went through my morning routine and everything was just the same as always. Then, that afternoon I was grading papers when I got THE PHONE CALL. To say that I wasn't expecting it was an understatement. I don't think that I could have ever been prepared for it. I sat in shock as I listened to the person on the other end of the line and my hand was shaking when I hung up the phone. I had no idea what I was going to do. How in the world was I going to tell Jim? The phone call was very short--just five little words. But those five words changed everything. They jolted me back to reality like a shock of cold water. And everything that I had been trying desperately to forget for the past eleven years came rushing back.

I knew that I should leave here and eleven years ago I would have without question--heck, even four years ago I would have. But not now. I didn't want to leave this life--I just wanted to cling to the normalcy that it provided. Not that I was normal--far from it. But, no one knew that...not even Naomi.

I still remember the day that I met Naomi. I was just a skinny kid with a shaved head in a gray nightgown in a place where no child should have been. She had accepted my 'escaped from an orphanage' story without question and had adopted me on the spot. I knew she had to have thought that I was weird. The first few years I hardly talked and was very careful about everything. Then, there was the fact that I gulped down milk and algae shakes with relish... But, she never questioned me about my behavior or my past and I never told her. We moved around a lot and that just suited me fine.

Then I decided to go to Rainer and stay in one place for awhile. I was a little nervous about it, but everything went smoothly. Until I met Jim. Of all the professions, he had to be a cop. I almost hightailed it in the other direction...but for some reason I didn't. I told myself I was just following the old adage 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' but I knew that wasn't entirely true. Then, there was the whole gun issue. Don't get me wrong, I know how to handle a gun and everything--my shot's even better than Jim's is. But I hate guns. I have loathed them ever since my sister was shot...

Which brings me back to my phone call. I knew that it had been my brother on the other end of the line. I haven't seen or heard from him in years--I hadn't even been sure if he was still alive...but the sound of authority in the voice left no doubt in my mind as to who it was. Out of all of us, he was the leader and we had always followed his orders without question. But now...

How was I going to tell Jim? I knew I should just leave and never look back. But, I couldn't just disappear like that without any explanation to Jim. However, staying could very well get me killed...or worse... Besides, how can I tell Jim the truth? How can I tell him that I've lied to him all this time? What was I supposed to say, "guess what Jim, I'm a big freak"? And if I told him that much, then I might as well just tell him all of it... Including the part about me being a murderer--and not in an innocent self-defense kind of way but in a I-knew-exactly-what-I-was-doing kind of way. Oh, yeah that would go over well. He would kick me out of the loft so fast... Plus, I don't think I could stand to see his face when I tell him. I don't think I could handle him looking at me like I'm sure he will--like I'm not even a person... Maybe Zack was right. Maybe it is time to move on...

As he contemplated how five little words had just turned his life upside down, Blair slowly lifted his hand and rubbed the back of his neck, thinking of how the source of all his problems was right there--the barcode hidden beneath his hair that read: 330876535498, otherwise known as X5-498.