Disclaimer: If I owned anything I wouldn't be trying to figure out how to send my oldest to college (and coincidentally, medical school).
Okaythis kinda just came to me one night. You'll have to excuse me if I leave out or change some things, but I don't get t.v. reception so I have to go by the season dvd's and what I can find on the internet. sobs Also, this is the first time I've ever posted a fanfic so I hope I did this right. I'm working on chapter 2 so let me know what you think! Thanks!
The Longest Night
She lays in bed staring at the ceiling. Her thoughts are a disjointed group of self-loathing, self-pity, and disgust at the self-pity. It's a viscous cycle that continues to eat at her unrelentingly. She doesn't have the strength or even the will to fight it anymore. For awhile she had cried herself to sleep every night. But her tears are all used up and now even that comfort is gone.
Downstairs Meredith is in the kitchen waiting when Alex shows up. "What are you doing up?" he asks her.
"I want to talk to you. I'm worried about Izzie."
"Why?" he asks coldly. "She made her bed. Now she has to lie in it."
"Seriously?! You, of all people! Are you going to tell me that just because she made a mistake - a drunken mistake that is in all honesty only half her mistake - are you telling me you don't give a damn that she is slowly dying inside?!"
And just like that Alex drops the act and sits down across from her. "No."
Meredith closes her eyes in relief. When she opens them they are bright with tears. Softly, she tells him, "We're losing her, Alex."
"I know."
Upstairs Izzie rolls over, opens her dresser drawer, and pulls out the sleeping pills she's had ever since Denny died. There are no more thoughts now. Just that little bottle. She simply stares at it.
Meredith and Alex are still sitting at the table when they hear someone coming down the stairs. Alex is just starting to turn to look when he hears Meredith whisper, "Oh, God. Izzie."
When he finally sees what Meredith is looking at he is frozen. Still dressed in the clothes she left work in, Izzie is standing in the doorway holding out a prescription bottle. There's no lid on it. In a quiet lost voice she says, "Help me."
Almost in slow motion he sees Meredith rush past him towards Izzie. She gets there just as the blond begins to sway.
"Alex! Help me!"
Time jumps back to normal and he runs over to help support Izzie. Her head lolls drunkenly.
"Izzie! Honey, how long?" Meredith asks.
"Wha..."
"How long since you took them, Iz?"
"Not...not long. Ten...min-minutes."
She begins to slide further down. Alex picks her up in his arms and runs to the bathroom. Meredith is right behind him.
He places Izzie in front of the toilet. "Izzie! Izzie, you have to listen to me! You have to make yourself throw up! Do you understand?!"
"Can't...too tired."
"Damnit, Izzie." He forces her mouth open and sticks his finger down her throat. The effect is instantaneous. They support her as she is violently sick. She continues to gag and vomit for a long time as her body rejects the poison she has fed it.
To both their relief, a fair amount of it is undigested pills. Finally, her heaving stops and she is merely trying to catch her breathe.
Meredith wets a rag and gently washes Izzie's face. Izzie looks at her with still glazed eyes and begins to shudder. Her breathes turn to sobs as she falls into Meredith's arms. Holding her and making shushing sounds, Meredith meets Alex's gaze and sees that he's crying just as she is.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Izzie tells them hoarsely.
"Oh, honey," Meredith whispers brokenly as she smoothes Izzies hair down, "it's okay. Well, actually it's not but I'm not mad at you. And neither is Alex."
"No, Iz, I'm not mad," Alex assures her.
"Tired..." she mumbles and Meredith is alarmed to feel her begin to to limp.
"No, Izzie! Don't go to sleep! Come on, you've got to get up."
"I'm so sorry..."
"Alex, we have to get her moving. I don't know how many of those pills were in there."
He helps her lift Izzie to her feet. "Come on, it's time to go for a walk."
" 'Kay.." she murmurs drunkenly.
Together, they begin walking Izzie around the house. They are making another round through the living room when she complains, "Dizzie."
"I know you are but you have to keep walking."
"Shouldn't we take her to the hospital?" Alex asks.
"Think about it Alex. Do you really think, after everything, she'll be able to keep her residency if they find out about this?"
"No, please," Izzie whispers trying to lift her head. "All...all I have left."
"Don't worry, Iz. We're not going to take you if you keep walking. And it's not all you have. You still have Alex and me."
"Really?"
"Yeh, you do," Alex answers.
"She begins to cry again. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone."
"We know you didn't."
"I did though. Hurt...hurt Callie...and George. And Hannah. Hurt...everyone..."she tells them as she begins to fade out again.
"Oh no you don't Izzie," Meredith shakes her lightly. "How about some coffee? I can make you some coffee." She looks over at Alex who mouths 'Hannah?'. Shrugging in confusion, she asks him, "You got her?"
"Yeh, I'm good."
As Meredith goes to make coffee Alex continues to walk with Izzie. He notices her eyes beginning to close. "Iz! Stay with me here. Talk to me."
"'Bout what?" she mumbles.
"Um, who's Hannah?" he asks as Meredith comes back in nodding to let him know the coffee is started.
"Hannah..."
"Yeh, Izzie, tell us about Hannah," Meredith coaxes taking her place on Izzie's side again.
"I - she... m-my daughter. Hannah. sixteen...wanted more for her. Gave," she sobs slightly, "gave her up. She, she has l-leukemia. G-genetic. Hurt her anyways."
"Oh, Izzie, sweetie. You should have told us. You didn't hurt her. What you did was..." Meredith trails off at a loss for words.
"Was wonderful, Iz. I wish my mother had been as brave and loving as you," Alex finishes.
"You do?" Izzie asks, finally coming around a bit more.
"Yeh, I do. And just because she has leukemia doesn't mean you hurt her. Seriously, Iz, that has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say."
"Alex!"
"What?" Izzie finally lifts her head and looks at him. He is relieved to see her eyes are clearer.
"Well, last time I checked it took two people to make a baby. What makes you think it came from your side?"
"I..." A buzzing from the kitchen interrupts them.
"Coffee's ready. Iz, you think you can sit and drink some now?"
She looks over at Meredith. "Yeh, I think so."
They sit at the table in silence for a long time before Alex finally sets his cup down and asks the question they are all waiting for.
"Why, Izzie?"
She looks up at them reading the worry and love in their faces, not the pity or disgust she is expecting and admits, "I didn't want to hurt anymore."
"Yeh," Meredith whispers quietly. When they look at her questioningly she tells them, "When I was in that water and I was swimming, I realized if I just stopped, the pain would stop too. So, yeh, I understand."
Izzie takes Meredith's hand in her own. Neither one is expecting Alex's next words. "I understand too."
They look at him in silence, willing him to go on. "My old man was a real bastard, you know. And one night, when I was sixteen, I'd just had enough. He...he beat me again and all I could think was how I couldn't take it anymore. So, I waited until he passed out and I got his gun. Only the son-of-a-bitch must've forgot to clean it or something because when I pulled the trigger the bullet jammed. I left the next day. So, yeh, I understand too."
The girls both take his hands and they sit there merely holding on to one another until Izzie whispers, "God, how screwed up are we?"
"Pretty screwed up," Meredith answers.
"Pretty damn screwed up," Alex adds.
Izzie gives a snort of laughter and soon they are all laughing. They are just beginning to get their selves under control when a noise comes from another room. "What's that?"
"I think it's my alarm clock," Meredith tells them. They look at each other, astonished that it's morning. Then they start laughing again.