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Shoreleave

2377

Kartara, an m-class planet belonging to a friendly race of aliens called Tarans, was a planet of spectacular beauty. It had majestic mountains, beautiful beaches, fertile forests, cities with tall skyscrapers, and deserts that roasted in an orange sun. In so many ways the planet resembled Earth, especially as the Tarans looked like humans, and as he sat by a table in a fancy bar in a fancy hotel, Chakotay could well imagine that he was back on Earth. The bar was filled with the same hustle and bustle as Earth ones, played the same kind of music, and served the same kind of food.

This hotel, set high on a cliff that overlooked a frothy ocean, was his home for the next two days, just as it had been for the last two, as Kathryn had accepted the President's kind offer of shoreleave for the crew. As a precaution, Tuvok and a handful of crew members were staying on Voyager, but everyone else was enjoying their stay in this luxury hotel. Their rooms were all on the tenth and eleventh floor, except Kathryn's which was on the fiftieth, and Chakotay had no doubt that it was close to Drenvolan's, one of the President's chief ministers. The handsome alien, who had sleeky black hair and sky-blue eyes, had taken a liking to Kathryn from the first moment they met and, to Chakotay's torment, the liking seemed mutual. Kathryn did not try to excuse herself from his company, did not object to him monopolizing so much of her time, and did not try to discourage his interest. Quite the contrary, she seemed to be enjoying his company.

She was enjoying it now.

Across the room, by an elegant table before a tall window that looked out at the sea, Kathryn was sitting alone with the minister. They were eating to candles and flowers, and instead of the conservative clothes she normally wore in the company of diplomats, she was wearing a strapless blue dress of shimmering blue satin. Her hair had been restyled for the occasion too. Gone was her practical bob and instead were long wavy tresses that fell loose over her shoulders. Chakotay could hardly take his eyes off her, but while she took his breath away with her beauty, it hurt his heart to know that she was dressed for another man. And, while he knew he had no right to feel it, there was no denying that he was jealous. He tried to tell himself that Kathryn deserved some fun, deserved some romantic attention from a handsome man, but no matter how hard he tried to convince himself, his heart would just not listen. He loved her so much that the thought of her being with someone else hurt like hell. And yet, at the same time, that same love wanted her to be happy, even if her happiness hurt him.

As he watched them laugh and talk, their hands now touching, Chakotay downed what was left of his wine and took a calming breath. In two days time this would all be over. They would be back on Voyager and life would go back to normal. This night, and this man, would be history. Kathryn was just making the most of this rare shoreleave and enjoying the company and conversation of an attractive and intelligent man. He knew it was unlikely she would sleep with him, one night stands were not her way, and that knowledge was a considerable comfort.

But then, as he poured himself another glass of wine, Chakotay saw Kathryn and Drenvolan get to their feet and kiss. The kiss was soft, sensual, and in the lowlight and bustle of the bar, went unnoticed by all eyes except his. Tears filled Chakotay's eyes as the woman he loved kissed another man and pained knifed his already bruised heart. But he did not look away. He couldn't. He could only stare, his anguish displayed on his face. As the kiss ended, the alien whispered something in Kathryn's ear, something that made her laugh, and then they made to leave. But as they did, Kathryn's eyes for the first time looked in Chakotay's direction and the radiant smile on her face faded as she saw him. But then Drenvolan spoke and Kathryn turned back to him. Her hair hid her face from Chakotay's view and the next thing he knew they were leaving. The alien had his arm around Kathryn and Chakotay watched them walk to the door. When they got there, Kathryn turned around, her eyes once again meeting Chakotay's, but then she was gone.

Later, alone in his room, Chakotay sat on the balcony and gazed out vacantly at the moonlit ocean below. He felt empty, numb, and yet consumed with pain. It was clear from the way Kathryn and Drenvolan had kissed that the kiss was a precursor, that she was going to sleep with him after all, and the thought of that, the thought of them being intimate, was hard to bear. As fascinating and attractive as this man found Kathryn, he could not possibly love her, and as soon as she was gone he would forget her. But for over six years Chakotay had loved her, loved her with every part of his being, and it hurt so much that a stranger could have what he could only ever dream of.

Suddenly, airy chimes filled the room. It was the door chime. Chakotay ignored them, as it was late and he was not in the mood to see anyone, but when they played for a second time he responded. He got to his feet, left the balcony, and made his way over to the door. There was a red button beside it and he pressed it.

"Who is it?"

"It's me," a familiar raspy voice answered, "Kathryn."

At these words, Chakotay froze. Kathryn was the last person he was expecting.

"I know it's late," she went on, "but I need to talk. Can I come in?"

Chakotay wiped dry his wet eyes and pushed a silver button that would open the door. "Of course," he said.

Almost immediately the silver door split open and Kathryn stepped into the room. She was still wearing the blue dress, still dressed to the nines, but her earlier happiness was gone and her aura was sad.

"I know I said I need to talk," she said, turning to him, "but what I meant was that we need to talk."

As she turned towards him, Chakotay noticed that her right cheek was red and swollen.

"Your face," he said. "What happened?"

Kathryn raised her hand to her cheek. "I think you can guess."

"Drenvolan?"

Kathryn nodded.

Gently, Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "Let me treat you."

Kathryn did not object and Chakotay went to replicate a dermal regenerator. She did not need to say any more about the incident as he had pictured it perfectly. When she had changed her mind about sleeping with Drenvolan he had hit her in frustration. Quickly, Chakotay replicated the dermal regenerator and returned to Kathryn. She was now sitting on the bed and in the brighter glow of the light directly above, he noticed bruises on her arms and blotches on her neck that looked like lovebites. In concern, he sat beside her.

"I think I've got the picture of what happened," he said tactfully, "but I'd like some clarification. Just how violent did Drenvolan get?"

"If you're asking if he tried to rape me," she answered, "he didn't. He just hit me and threw me out of the room."

"Maybe we should hold off on treatment and call The Doctor. He can catalogue your injuries and..."

"No," Kathryn interrupted, knowing where he was heading. "I'm not reporting him. Who would listen, anyway? This world may be technologically advanced, but socially it's as progressive as the Victorian age. Women have few rights. I just want to forget the whole thing." Tears filled her eyes. "Please...don't say anything to anyone."

Chakotay put his hand on hers and squeezed it. "Of course I won't."

Kathryn gave a wan smile and squeezed back. "Thank you."

Chakotay then healed the bruises on her arms, which did not take long, and then the injury to her face.

"Are you bruised anywhere else?" he asked. "Your back, side?"

"No," she answered. "I'm fine."

"Then I'll do your neck."

"My neck?"

"You have a couple of lovebites."

At this, Kathryn tensed and lowered her eyes in shame. "I see," she said quietly.

"Tilt your neck left for me," Chakotay urged kindly.

Kathryn did as he said and Chakotay ran the dermal regenerator over the mark until it was gone. Then he treated the second one.

"There," he said, "all done."

Kathryn put her hand to her neck and turned to him uncomfortably. "Thank you."

Chakotay gave a sad smile. "You're welcome." He then got to his feet. "Now, is there anything I can get you? A coffeta, perhaps?" It was the closest thing on this planet to black coffee.

"That would be good, thank you."

"Then a coffeta coming up."

He returned to the replicator, manually replicated two hot coffetas, and then handed one to Kathryn.

"It's a warm night," he said. "Would you like to sit on the balcony? It's more comfortable."

"Ok," Kathryn replied, getting to her feet.

Chakotay led them onto the balcony and they sat side by side on a soft silver sofa. As they did, Kathryn gazed absently and silently into her black drink. She looked lonely and miserable and Chakotay's heart went out to her. He hated to see her unhappy. Her pain hurt him.

"You said you wanted to talk," he prompted kindly.

"Yes," she answered, still looking into her drink.

"So, let's talk."

But Kathryn said nothing. Then, unexpectedly, she was weeping. Chakotay put down his drink, took hers from her, and tenderly wrapped his arm around her.

"What's wrong, Kathryn?"

"Us," she sobbed. "This whole situation. I can't...I can't do it anymore. I try to be the captain, always the captain, but I need...I need to be loved."

"Of course you do," he whispered. "We all need that."

"I've never had a one night stand. I never even thought I'd contemplate it. Justin and Mark, they're the only men I've ever slept with. But Drenvolan was charming, attractive, and he made me feel like a woman. I get so lonely, long so much to be touched and kissed that it's a physical ache. But I can't do it with strangers. I know some people can, but I can't. I need an emotional bond."

"Most people do, Kathryn. That's how it should be."

"When he and I started to...you know...I felt so empty. It wasn't what I wanted...isn't what I want." She looked up at him now, pain in her wet blue eyes. "It isn't what you wanted either, is it? I mean, it bothered you. The way you were looking at me...it bothered you."

"Yes," he answered honestly. "I know I don't have the right to be bothered, but it bothered me." He looked deep into her eyes. "And we both know why."

Kathryn nodded. "I'd feel the same if it was you, even though I don't have the right. But maybe we should...have the right. That's why I'm here, I... This situation isn't good for either of us. It's hurting us both. I saw the hurt on your face and I feel the hurt inside." A tear ran down her cheek. "I don't want empty sex with strangers. I want to love and be loved by you."

Chakotay took her hand in his, tears in his eyes. "I want that too, Kathryn."

"Do you think we can have it, Chakotay?"

Chakotay looked at her with profound sadness. "As much as I love you, Kathryn, as much as I want this, one night of love between us wouldn't be right. In your heart, you know that. It would take us over the line and there would be no going back."

Kathryn gripped his hand tight. "I'm not talking about one night. I'm talking about a relationship."

At these words, a light switched on in Chakotay's eyes. "You are?"

Kathryn nodded. "You're right. For us it has to be all or nothing. And I want it all. I want my man and my ship."

"But are you sure, Kathryn? You've always been so against the idea. If we do take our relationship to another level, I need you to be absolutely sure it's what you want. Right now we're out of a command structure, out of our familiar surroundings, and you're feeling low and vulnerable."

"I am sure. The reality of our situation is that we might never get home. I've never accepted that, not really. I always thought we'd get home next month or next year. But the years are rolling by and none of us are getting any younger. The ideals and principles that I've held onto for so long are ideals and principles that belong in the alpha quadrant. Not here. Not a lifetime from home."

"Agreed. But I don't want you to think of a relationship...of us...as a defeat. We will get home, Kathryn. Never stop believing that."

"I won't. But we've still got a long way to go and...and it doesn't make sense for us to be apart when we love each other. I know we're both professional enough, and mature enough, to make a relationship work. And if it doesn't, well, a friendship can cause challenges just as easily as a romance. That was shown by the way we almost came to blows over the northwest passage. But we got through it and, should something like that happen again, I know we will again." She paused. "I can't hide from us anymore, Chakotay. I don't want to hide from us. I love you and..." her voice fell to a whisper. "I need you."

Chakotay squeezed her hand. "Ditto."

"I have no doubts. If I did, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't do that to you. I've hurt you enough over the years. If you still want me, if you can offer absolute commitment, then you have mine."

A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek. "Of course I want you, Kathryn. I love you. And of course I can offer absolute commitment. I do offer it, right now. But are you sure you..."

Kathryn silenced him with a finger on the lips.

"I'm sure," she said. "Please don't doubt me. Trust me."

Chakotay gave a wan smile. "It's kind of hard to trust anything when all your dreams are suddenly coming true."

At that, Kathryn smiled through tears and put her hand to his cheek. "Well, all I can say is that I'm for real. You're not dreaming, you're awake. And finally so am I."

They gazed into each other's eyes, losing themselves, and then Kathryn slowly raised her lips to his. As their lips touched, Chakotay kissed her back, and they kissed with all the tenderness of their love.

After sharing a relaxing midnight soak with Kathryn in his luxury crystal bathtub, Chakotay waited in his bedroom while she dried her long hair. He was wrapped in a silky black robe and didn't need slippers as the gold carpet beneath his feet was soft and warm. As he waited he lit a few candles, gorgeous ivory ones that filled the room with a sweet perfume, and then he replicated a red rose. Just as he did, Kathryn emerged from the bathroom. She was wearing a blue silky robe and her hair was swept up from her face with a clip that shone silver in the light.

"Oh Chakotay," she said as she looked around. "How delightful!"

Chakotay smiled and held out the rose to her. "For you, Ma'am."

Kathryn closed the gap between them and took the rose with a smile. "Thank you, Sir."

The rose had a sweet alien scent and Kathryn breathed it in.

"Just lovely," she said.

Chakotay smiled, but when she looked up at him there were tears in her eyes. Gently, Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "We don't have to do this tonight, Kathryn. There's plenty of time. I want our first time to be perfect."

"And it is," she replied. "I'm just...I've wanted this for so long and am feeling nervous and excited and everything inbetween."

"Me too," he said sincerely.

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "I don't want to be a disappointment. You've waited so long and...and I don't want to fall short of expectation."

Chakotay gently took the rose from her, cast it to a table, and then drew her into his arms.

"You won't, Kathryn. I have no expectations. All I want is to love you and give you pleasure. That will pleasure me."

Another tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and she could find no words. Tenderly, Chakotay traced the course of her tear, and then he kissed it. Then he kissed her lips and Kathryn's arms slid around his neck as the kiss deepened.

"I love you," she whispered when they drew apart.

Chakotay smiled. "I love you too."

They kissed again, and then Chakotay unclipped her hair before scooping her up in his arms and carrying her over to his bed. It was adorned with gold satin sheets and Kathryn laughed as she sank into them. Then, as Chakotay lay over her and their eyes locked, her laughter turned to a smile. Chakotay smiled back, kissed her hand, and then began to make tender love to her.

In the amber light of morning, Chakotay lay in bed and gazed at Kathryn. She was sleeping beside him, a smile on her face, and he thought she had never looked more beautiful. Golden freckles dusted her shoulders and her long hair cascaded onto their pillow. For a long time Chakotay gazed at her, casting every detail to memory, but then he pulled himself away and went to replicate breakfast. He did it as quietly as he could, as he wanted to surprise her, and when it was done he placed the tray of food on a moon-shaped shelf behind the bed that was part headboard, part table. He then climbed back into bed and was just about to lie down when Kathryn stirred awake. Chakotay leant over her and smiled as her sleepy eyes opened.

"Good morning," he said.

Kathryn smiled with a sigh. "Good morning."

"Sleep well?"

"Like a log. What time is it?"

"Just after eleven."

"Eleven? Really?"

Chakotay smiled. "Well, we had quite a night last night."

"Yes," Kathryn said, gazing into his eyes. "We did."

"No regrets?"

"No," Kathryn said, taking his hand in hers. "As I told you last night, this is for keeps."

Chakotay smiled and then lowered his lips to hers. Kathryn kissed him back and they kissed tenderly, kissed long. Chakotay then gestured to breakfast.

"I've made us breakfast...all your favorites. At least, your favorites as they come on this planet."

Kathryn laughed and then sat up, glancing at the tray as she did. It was adorned with pancakes, toast, cereal, scambled eggs, waffles, fruit, and a smoking pot of coffeta. "Oh Chakotay...how wonderful."

Chakotay smiled and picked up the tray. "Shall we eat?"

Kathryn nodded. "Let's eat."

"Oh," Kathryn said after breakfast was eaten, "that was the best breakfast ever!"

Chakotay smiled. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"I'm going to have to get the recipe for those pancakes. They're absolutely delicious!"

"No need, Neelix has it covered. I saw him yesterday, lugging ten big recipe books to the transporter station, and amongst them was a pancake book. I know because he told me how much B'Elanna loves them and how he wants to make them for her. There's no bigger fan of pancakes than B'Elanna."

"Well, she just might have a rival because those pancakes were so good I could eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner! But, as much as I love Neelix, and as much as I commend his efforts, as he always "spices up" time honored recipes, I'd rather trust my temperamental replicator to make them."

"I don't blame you. But you really need to replace that thing. Last week it gave me boots instead of bread."

Kathryn laughed. "What can I say? I'm sentimentally attached. But you're right, it does need replacing. I'll see to it when we get back."

"I'm glad to hear it. If it gave us alcohol, not synthesol, it could get us both drunk."

Kathryn laughed again. "Wouldn't that be the scandal of the ship? I can see Neelix's newsflash now. Captain and First Officer report drunk for duty."

"Yes, although it might not make his show as he's devoted to positive and uplifting content only."

"Well, I'm sure the thought of us staggering around the bridge in a drunken stupor would bring a smile to a few faces."

Chakotay laughed. "I guess it would."

Kathryn then fell serious. "But, you know, this does kind of raise the question of what we are going to tell the crew...about us."

"I don't think it's necessary to tell them anything," Chakotay replied. "I think it's better to keep them guessing. They've certainly been doing that long enough."

"I know. And I'd rather not say anything, but as committed as we are to being discreet and professional in public, my concern is we'll slip up somehow."

"If we do, we'll face the music then. But I really don't think anyone will have a problem with us. No one expects you to be alone."

Kathryn gently traced the course of Chakotay's tattoo. "I'm glad I don't have to be." She then smiled. "And it could be fun...having this secret to ourselves."

Chakotay smiled. "It could be indeed."

"Then I guess we're agreed."

Their hands entwined as their eyes locked, then Chakotay spoke. "The only question remaining now is what shall we do today? The planet's our oyster."

Kathryn's eyes twinkled. "As you don't eat them, how about we give the planet a miss and stay here?"

Chakotay laughed. "Sounds good to me."

Kathryn laughed too and then they kissed.

Two days later, shoreleave was over and Voyager was back on course for the Alpha Quadrant. In his quarters, Chakotay put on his uniform, combed his hair, and then made his way to the bridge. Kathryn was there, sitting in her seat, and for a long time Chakotay just stood in the doorway looking at her. The two days they had spent together had been the most incredible of his life, but now they were back in a command structure, he couldn't help but fear that she would change her mind about a relationship. While they had never been intimate on New Earth, the change in Kathryn once they'd got back to the ship had been profound. The defenses she had so cautiously lowered had raised in an instant and shut him out. He feared history would repeat itself, that she would regret their intimacy on the planet and tell him a relationship was out of the question.

"Are you ok, Commander?"

The voice was Harry's and it brought Chakotay out of his thoughts. "Yes," he said. "I'm fine."

"You don't look it. Maybe you should go to sickbay. A couple of people have come down with a Taran flu and, from what I hear, it's pretty bad."

Tom, sitting at the helm, spoke now. "Oh, he doesn't need to go to sickbay, Harry. It isn't the flu he's got, it's a layover." He grinned. "I saw you, Chakotay, chatting up that sexy brunette at the bar. No prizes for guessing where you've been for the past two days."

Chakotay made his way to his seat. "I don't suppose there's any point in denying it then."

"None at all," Tom smiled.

"What about you, Captain?" Harry asked from his console. "What did you get up to during shoreleave?"

"Yes," Tom said, "what did you get up to, Captain? The last anyone saw of you, you were with that dashingly handsome diplomat."

Kathryn smiled. "What I got up to is for me to know and for me to know."

"Oh," Tom groaned, "don't be a party pooper. Kiss and tell."

Tuvok spoke. "May I remind you, Mr Paris, that to interrogate the captain on personal behaviors and beliefs is a violation of Starfleet protocol."

Harry smiled. "If that's your idea of a joke, Tuvok, it isn't very funny."

Kathryn got to her feet. "But to the point." She then turned to Chakotay. "Commander Chakotay, my ready room." Then, with a bemused glare at Tom, she left the bridge.

"Don't worry, big guy," Tom teased as Chakotay stood up, "she may bark but she doesn't bite."

"Unless you're a handsome diplomat," Harry jested.

"If that's your idea of a joke," Tuvok said, "it is not very funny."

Chakotay couldn't help but smile. "You asked for that one, Harry."

Harry laughed. "I guess I did."

Chakotay then left the bridge and stepped into the ready room. Kathryn was standing before a window, looking out at the stars, but as he entered she turned to him. Her hair was back to a bob and, except for the sparkle in her eyes, she looked every inch the captain she had always been.

"Well," she said, "it looks we're the talk of the ship today. Just imagine if they knew the truth!"

Chakotay said nothing, just stared at his hands.

"But it doesn't look like you're amused," she said quietly. "What's wrong? Are you...are you having second thoughts?"

Chakotay looked up at her. "No. I'm just worried that you are."

Kathryn closed the gap between them and took his hands in hers. "Then don't be. When I've set my heart on something, I let nothing stand in my way, and I've set my heart on you."

The pain in Chakotay's eyes faded. "You really mean that, don't you? We really are for keeps?"

Kathryn nodded.

A tear escaped Chakotay's eye. "I was so afraid you'd change your mind and...and I didn't know how I would bear it."

Kathryn put her hand to his cheek, tears in her own eyes. "I'm not going to change my mind, understand? I love you and I'm committed to us."

Chakotay smiled, a myriad of emotions in his eyes, and all Kathryn could do was draw him close. As she did, Chakotay gathered her against him and buried his face in her hair. He knew now, beyond a doubt, that the woman he had loved so much for so long was finally his, and with that knowledge came the peace of heart and mind that had always eluded him. He was home. Even though Voyager was still a long way from Earth, he was home.

"The Doctor to Janeway."

Reluctantly, Kathryn drew away from Chakotay. "Janeway here."

"Please report to sickbay as soon as possible. I believe you may have contracted the Taran flu. So far, everyone who has come down with it has had contact with a certain diplomat. He may not, of course, be the source of our epidemic, but I cannot exclude the possibility."

Kathryn shared an amused glance with Chakotay. "I'll be right there, Doctor."

"See that you are. If I do not administer treatment within the next two hours, it will be too late and you will be subjected to the full force of the virus. Needless to say, that will not be pleasant. Expect to be bedbound for at least a week."

"Warning heeded."

"If only the sick people had not been last in reporting back to Voyager, then I could have tested you, and everyone else, for this virus when you reported for your check-up. Now I'm going to have to recall everyone. It is double the work and a mighty inconvenience."

"My sympathies, Doctor."

"So, I'd appreciate it if you could be here within the next five minutes. If you're not, I will have to assign you to a queue, and if you come down with a sore throat and headache while waiting, it's your own fault."

"I'm on my way, Doctor. Janeway out."

As the connection terminated, Chakotay spoke. "He loves the drama really."

"Of course he does," Kathryn smiled. "But let's hope this drama is over quickly. A sick crew is the last thing we need."

"Oh, I don't know," he teased. "There are advantages to being bedbound."

Kathryn poked his stomach. "I'll remind you of that if you come down with it. Because if I have it, the chances are you do too."

"I don't care," he said seriously. "I'd gladly suffer a million flus for what we shared." Tenderly, he brushed his fingers against her cheek. "You're everything to me, Kathryn. I promise I won't let you down. I promise I'll make you happy."

Kathryn took his hand in hers. "You already do, Chakotay. I just hope I can make you happy. It's not going to be easy, balancing the personal and the professional. I have so many demands on my time that I don't have a lot to devote to you."

"I know that, Kathryn. But that will make the times we can be together all the more special. What matters is that we're here for each other, through the good times and the bad times, and that we always love each other."

Kathryn squeezed his hand. "Agreed."

Chakotay then put his hand on her shoulder. "Now, let's get ourselves to sickbay. Afterwards, if you want, we can take a lunch break and dine in my quarters."

Kathryn smiled. "I'd like that."

Chakotay smiled back and then, side by side, they left the room.

THE END