The realization dawned up on her while she was pretending to read another surely depressing file at her desk. She hadn't really thought of how this job changed her life since that first case she was assigned, because lets face it, first cases change you forever. They kept you awake at night for weeks, and then, even though it stopped haunting you, it was something that you never forget.
But, now as she scanned the 10th line of the file, for the seventh time, she realized, that she was broken. Not physically, and not even mentally, but emotionally, she was cracked, and she was digging herself into a bigger hole each and every day. She was working against herself, and she had stopped caring about it. She realized it because, as much as the tears, and cries of a child broke her every time, and as much as every single case took a part of her soul; it was the silence that got to her.
It was the silence of her apartment that made her feel alone and empty. The silent pleas of a rape victim, that made her angry at the attacker, and made her take the case personally. Because it was the silent fear and pain of a soulless child that made her want to lash out at everyone because of the injustice in the world. It was this incredible silence that she had faced since childhood, that made her stop regarding her own wants and needs, and give her all for her job. But it was that same silence that drove her to look at the resignation letter in her nightstand at least once a week. The silence was suffocating her, and for the past two months, she had just let it, slowing slipping down the road to becoming burned out.
Everyone had started to see there was something off about her. It wasn't noticeable for many, but the important people could tell there was something bubbling under her surface, and they tried to help her. But because it was the peace in her life, the silence, that was undoing her, she put her problems aside and helped them. She helped her partner control his anger, she helped the ADA get the evidence she needed; she helped Munch survive one more 'anniversary', and Fin get back in touch with his son.
It was the captain, however, that she did not approach. She purposely tried to avoid him, because he would be able sense her silence. He, so familiar with her story, and having lived his own tragic one, would know of how her silence on the job, and in every victims' story, was killing her. That she was drowning, and refused to catch a lifeline, making everyone believe she was floating just fine.
But finally, after two whole months of drowning, she knew her time was almost up. That if she did not catch a lifeline soon, she was going to drown into the depths of her own oceans, and no one, not even her partner would be able to revive her. And this job, such a large part of her, would become something she dreaded, and eventually left; and this place where she lived, and the dear friends that she had, would become things she couldn't face. Because it would remind her of her laughter, and joy, and heart felt jokes; that were destroyed by her silence.