Disclaimer: None of the Harry Potter people are mine, and neither is the painfully predictable plot line involving all the typical mystery characters. I also don't own the random lines from song used ever so often.
It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out. That, of course, has nothing to do with this story, which is about wizards. Just acknowledge the fact that it happened.
Some days after this completely random shot rang out, there was a murder. One possibility, as is the case in every mystery, that it was not a murder at all, but that is not the right possibility; it really was a murder. The person murdered was Lucius Malfoy. No loss, right? The murder had to be investigated, however.
The case was odd first because it happened right at Hogwarts, in Harry Potter's third year, just to set the time. The fact that Lucius was even at Hogwarts was, in itself, very odd. That, however, is not the focus of this story.
Minerva, deputy headmistress and great fan of mystery novels, gladly volunteered to investigate. She grabbed her pipe and detective hat and set out to question the suspects.
First on the list was Severus Snape. This was because he seemed evil and, being supposedly gay, could have had a relationship with Lucius, supposedly bi.
Minerva entered the room trying to look cool and ended up looking very stupid indeed. "What do you want?" Snape asked her, looking up. "My God, you look ridiculous."
"You know there has been a murder." It was not a question. By the by, she said "been" the way the Beatles do in the song Eleanore Rigby so that it sort of rhythms with dream. "I am here to question you."
Snape rolled his eyes. "All right, get on with it. You know I didn't do it, though."
"Welcome to the fifties, you look a little shifty." Minerva states coldly. This did not have anything to do with the case or the situation, let along the fact that it was not the fifties, but that was not the point. It was the principle of the thing. "Shall be begin?"
"Please." Said Snape, smiling coldly and pointing at a chair. I'm not sure why he pointed at a chair, but people seem to do that sometimes. He seemed to suddenly have taken on the personality of the cold, evil rich person who is sure they can get off. "I have nothing to hide."
Minerva seated herself and watched him closely. "Where were you the night of the murder?" The question leapt out at him from nowhere, precisely the way a boulder does not.
"Here, in my office." He recovered quickly.
"Were there witnesses?" She asked, her mind working furiously.
"What, to the murder?" Asked Snape, breaking out of character. "You should know."
"No, to you being here in your office." Minerva told him. The fact that she did not know whether there were witnesses to the murder hit her, but she shook it off. It was not important. "Are you stalling for time?"
"Of course not." Snape hurried on, regaining his cool. "There were none."
"Interesting." Although it may sound as though Minerva was trying to make him nervous, really she was not sure what else to ask and needed to regain her thought process, which seemed to have wandered off. "Did you know Mr. Malfoy?"
"We had met." He informed her, not looking nervous at all. He caught all the questions like a venus flytrap would catch flies. "He was a Death Eater, so was I. He came to Hogwarts sometimes."
"Was he at Hogwarts last night?" Minerva leapt at the opportunity to gain information. Her wit was quick, the way something very fast is.
"You can't be serious." He said, raising his eyebrows. "He was killed here."
"I know that." Minerva snapped. She was really getting information now. "But it's good that you can admit that."
Snape looked confused, which was understandable considering that Minerva was not making sense. "Yes." He agreed.
"Now," Minerva narrowed her eyes the way the way queen Elizabeth the 1st might have narrowed hers. "When did you see him last?"
"Oh, maybe a week ago." Snape shrugged, clearly thrown by the question. "He came to his son's Quiddich match."
"Life's a dance, you learn as you go." She said in a dismissive way. This, although again being completely irrelevant, sounded very cool. She smiled at her own wit. "Were you at the match?" She resisted the urge to ask who won, since she had missed it due to an eye twitch which landed her in the Hospital Wing.
"Where do you think I saw him?" Snape questioned with a cold laugh.
"Now how would I know that?" Minerva counted. It was like a particularly poorly played ping-pong game. "Just answer the question."
"Well, yes I was." He bounced back at her. "I saw him there."
"Hmm . . ." Minerva smiled again. "Maybe you should have left well enough alone." Again, although possibly making Snape edgy, this made no sense what-so-ever. "Moving along, did the two of you speak?"
Snape was hit by these words like someone hit by a heavy leather glove. In fact, for a second he showed no sign of hearing or noticing, the way someone hit by a glove would. I really mean a second, by the way. Minerva, of course, took this to mean that he was hiding something. "No." He said.
"Not at all." She repeated, raising her eyebrows. As for why she thought it was odd that two people in a crowd of hundreds had not spoken, your guess is as good as mine.
"Wait, yes." He corrected himself, seeing that he could not conceal anything from this amazingly intelligent woman.
"Changing your story?" Minerva cried, jumping to her feet like a dog, jumping to its feet.
"I just remembered." He replied, apparently unfazed. "We said hello."
"The time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love." Minerva made yet another non sequitur, grinning evilly.
"What are you implying?" Snape snarled. This was a very strange sound coming from a human.
"I imply nothing." She informed him. "What did you say?"
"I told you, we said hello." He repeated, showing that he was clearing breaking down. She almost had him now.
"Ah, I see." Minerva said. It was her turn to be shocked by this astounding news. This case ran deeper than she thought. "So which one of you started the transaction?"
He looked offended, then realized what she meant. "He said hello, then I did." There was no point lying, she could see right through lies.
"You don't say." Minerva knew that this had to be important to the case, but she wasn't sure how. "Was the attention unwanted?"
"No." Snape admitted, looking confused. This was probably because he was just admitting this to himself. Sometimes the truth is hard.
"So you admit to a relationship?" Minerva charged in, breaking down his defenses like a very large rabbit might. "A relationship with Lucius Malfoy?"
"What?" Snape looked angry, a sure sign that she was right. "I never said that. Don't be ridiculous." This was, of course, not at all convincing to Minerva, who could see through lies.
"Really?" Minerva retorted quickly.
"Yes really." Snape informed her. He was not about to crack about this one. Minerva had her suspicions, however. She was working very hard, like a bird working very hard.
"Fine, we'll leave it at that." She shrugged, prepared to move on.
"No," Snape said hastily, "I don't want you thinking the wrong thing." He obviously wanted to stay with this topic, perhaps to stay away from something else. "I'm not gay."
"I believe you." Minerva lied. "Why take when you could be giving?" Snape was clearly getting annoyed with her constant use of random lines from songs that had nothing to do with the topic at hand. He glared at her silently, but the silence only lasted a moment.
"Listen, I just want to make sure you know what you're doing." Snape told her through gritted teeth.
"That I know what I'm doing?" She snapped back, laughing at the absurdity of the idea that she didn't know what she was doing. "I always do."
"Right." He sighed, the intensity of the interview getting to him.
"Would you look at the time." Minerva said, not looking at all. "I should be going."
"Good." He said, a bit too quickly. She saw through his cover that he was glad to be rid of her. "It's about time you should go."
"I don't really have to leave!" She said, revealing the brilliant plan.
"Then why would you say that?" Snape asked, looking slightly confused.
"To get to the truth." Minerva informed him further of her brilliance. "Now I know you want me to go."
"Of course I want you to go!" Snape cried. Surely he had not mean to say that out loud. She took hold of his weakness like Henry Kissenger.
"A confession!" She shouted out.
"I didn't confess to anything!" Snape yelled, losing his cool.
"Now I really have to go, but I assure you that I will return!" Minerva announced triumphantly. With these last words she left him to reflect on how absurd the questioning had really been.
It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out. That, of course, has nothing to do with this story, which is about wizards. Just acknowledge the fact that it happened.
Some days after this completely random shot rang out, there was a murder. One possibility, as is the case in every mystery, that it was not a murder at all, but that is not the right possibility; it really was a murder. The person murdered was Lucius Malfoy. No loss, right? The murder had to be investigated, however.
The case was odd first because it happened right at Hogwarts, in Harry Potter's third year, just to set the time. The fact that Lucius was even at Hogwarts was, in itself, very odd. That, however, is not the focus of this story.
Minerva, deputy headmistress and great fan of mystery novels, gladly volunteered to investigate. She grabbed her pipe and detective hat and set out to question the suspects.
First on the list was Severus Snape. This was because he seemed evil and, being supposedly gay, could have had a relationship with Lucius, supposedly bi.
Minerva entered the room trying to look cool and ended up looking very stupid indeed. "What do you want?" Snape asked her, looking up. "My God, you look ridiculous."
"You know there has been a murder." It was not a question. By the by, she said "been" the way the Beatles do in the song Eleanore Rigby so that it sort of rhythms with dream. "I am here to question you."
Snape rolled his eyes. "All right, get on with it. You know I didn't do it, though."
"Welcome to the fifties, you look a little shifty." Minerva states coldly. This did not have anything to do with the case or the situation, let along the fact that it was not the fifties, but that was not the point. It was the principle of the thing. "Shall be begin?"
"Please." Said Snape, smiling coldly and pointing at a chair. I'm not sure why he pointed at a chair, but people seem to do that sometimes. He seemed to suddenly have taken on the personality of the cold, evil rich person who is sure they can get off. "I have nothing to hide."
Minerva seated herself and watched him closely. "Where were you the night of the murder?" The question leapt out at him from nowhere, precisely the way a boulder does not.
"Here, in my office." He recovered quickly.
"Were there witnesses?" She asked, her mind working furiously.
"What, to the murder?" Asked Snape, breaking out of character. "You should know."
"No, to you being here in your office." Minerva told him. The fact that she did not know whether there were witnesses to the murder hit her, but she shook it off. It was not important. "Are you stalling for time?"
"Of course not." Snape hurried on, regaining his cool. "There were none."
"Interesting." Although it may sound as though Minerva was trying to make him nervous, really she was not sure what else to ask and needed to regain her thought process, which seemed to have wandered off. "Did you know Mr. Malfoy?"
"We had met." He informed her, not looking nervous at all. He caught all the questions like a venus flytrap would catch flies. "He was a Death Eater, so was I. He came to Hogwarts sometimes."
"Was he at Hogwarts last night?" Minerva leapt at the opportunity to gain information. Her wit was quick, the way something very fast is.
"You can't be serious." He said, raising his eyebrows. "He was killed here."
"I know that." Minerva snapped. She was really getting information now. "But it's good that you can admit that."
Snape looked confused, which was understandable considering that Minerva was not making sense. "Yes." He agreed.
"Now," Minerva narrowed her eyes the way the way queen Elizabeth the 1st might have narrowed hers. "When did you see him last?"
"Oh, maybe a week ago." Snape shrugged, clearly thrown by the question. "He came to his son's Quiddich match."
"Life's a dance, you learn as you go." She said in a dismissive way. This, although again being completely irrelevant, sounded very cool. She smiled at her own wit. "Were you at the match?" She resisted the urge to ask who won, since she had missed it due to an eye twitch which landed her in the Hospital Wing.
"Where do you think I saw him?" Snape questioned with a cold laugh.
"Now how would I know that?" Minerva counted. It was like a particularly poorly played ping-pong game. "Just answer the question."
"Well, yes I was." He bounced back at her. "I saw him there."
"Hmm . . ." Minerva smiled again. "Maybe you should have left well enough alone." Again, although possibly making Snape edgy, this made no sense what-so-ever. "Moving along, did the two of you speak?"
Snape was hit by these words like someone hit by a heavy leather glove. In fact, for a second he showed no sign of hearing or noticing, the way someone hit by a glove would. I really mean a second, by the way. Minerva, of course, took this to mean that he was hiding something. "No." He said.
"Not at all." She repeated, raising her eyebrows. As for why she thought it was odd that two people in a crowd of hundreds had not spoken, your guess is as good as mine.
"Wait, yes." He corrected himself, seeing that he could not conceal anything from this amazingly intelligent woman.
"Changing your story?" Minerva cried, jumping to her feet like a dog, jumping to its feet.
"I just remembered." He replied, apparently unfazed. "We said hello."
"The time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love." Minerva made yet another non sequitur, grinning evilly.
"What are you implying?" Snape snarled. This was a very strange sound coming from a human.
"I imply nothing." She informed him. "What did you say?"
"I told you, we said hello." He repeated, showing that he was clearing breaking down. She almost had him now.
"Ah, I see." Minerva said. It was her turn to be shocked by this astounding news. This case ran deeper than she thought. "So which one of you started the transaction?"
He looked offended, then realized what she meant. "He said hello, then I did." There was no point lying, she could see right through lies.
"You don't say." Minerva knew that this had to be important to the case, but she wasn't sure how. "Was the attention unwanted?"
"No." Snape admitted, looking confused. This was probably because he was just admitting this to himself. Sometimes the truth is hard.
"So you admit to a relationship?" Minerva charged in, breaking down his defenses like a very large rabbit might. "A relationship with Lucius Malfoy?"
"What?" Snape looked angry, a sure sign that she was right. "I never said that. Don't be ridiculous." This was, of course, not at all convincing to Minerva, who could see through lies.
"Really?" Minerva retorted quickly.
"Yes really." Snape informed her. He was not about to crack about this one. Minerva had her suspicions, however. She was working very hard, like a bird working very hard.
"Fine, we'll leave it at that." She shrugged, prepared to move on.
"No," Snape said hastily, "I don't want you thinking the wrong thing." He obviously wanted to stay with this topic, perhaps to stay away from something else. "I'm not gay."
"I believe you." Minerva lied. "Why take when you could be giving?" Snape was clearly getting annoyed with her constant use of random lines from songs that had nothing to do with the topic at hand. He glared at her silently, but the silence only lasted a moment.
"Listen, I just want to make sure you know what you're doing." Snape told her through gritted teeth.
"That I know what I'm doing?" She snapped back, laughing at the absurdity of the idea that she didn't know what she was doing. "I always do."
"Right." He sighed, the intensity of the interview getting to him.
"Would you look at the time." Minerva said, not looking at all. "I should be going."
"Good." He said, a bit too quickly. She saw through his cover that he was glad to be rid of her. "It's about time you should go."
"I don't really have to leave!" She said, revealing the brilliant plan.
"Then why would you say that?" Snape asked, looking slightly confused.
"To get to the truth." Minerva informed him further of her brilliance. "Now I know you want me to go."
"Of course I want you to go!" Snape cried. Surely he had not mean to say that out loud. She took hold of his weakness like Henry Kissenger.
"A confession!" She shouted out.
"I didn't confess to anything!" Snape yelled, losing his cool.
"Now I really have to go, but I assure you that I will return!" Minerva announced triumphantly. With these last words she left him to reflect on how absurd the questioning had really been.