Disclaimer: I own naught. Seriously. Sue me and all you'll get is a pack of
a gum and a copy of my chapter eleven.
Notes: This is a parody of some of the strange fanfiction I've seen in the Harry Potter section at Fanfiction.net. It's not meant to insult the writing capabilities of any other author, or to imply that their work is of poor quality. Some of their stories are exceptional, engaging epics that are an asset to the fanfiction community. Certain ideas are just very strange taken out of context.
Hogwarts Revisited By the Scribe
Chapter One: Good Morning, Gryffindor
The early morning sun wafted through the windows of the seventh year Gryffindor boy's dorm, penetrating through a crack in Harry Potter's bed curtains. He mumbled something incoherent and rolled over to burrow into his pillow for a few minutes more of rest, but ended up landing on the something hard. Squinting, he could make out a sleeping form. It was rather long, a couple of inches taller than him, male, blonde and. oh, Draco Malfoy was sprawled across his bed.
He looked down at his blonde nemesis bemusedly for a second before shock set in, sending him skittering back to the foot of the bed. Stifling a cry that would alert his roommates to this atrocious state of affairs, Harry kicked his bare foot at Malfoy's quilt covered leg. "Malfoy," he hissed. "What the devil are you playing at?"
Draco opened his eyes drowsily and shifted, an action which caused Harry's blanket to slide down from his waist, revealing far more Slytherin skin than Harry had ever wanted to see.
"For Merlin's sake!" he yelped. A snort from the direction of Seamus' bed made him lower his voice. "What's going on?"
Malfoy yawned and propped himself up on both elbows, "What're you on about, Potter? What do you think is going on? We shagged. You didn't seem to have a problem with it last night."
"We WHAT?!" Harry squawked.
"We. Shagged," Malfoy explained, reaching through the bed curtains for a package of magical cigarettes. He pulled one out and propped up his bare knee to strike it against. A trail of green smoke began to disseminate from the tip as he puffed on it. "Fag?" he offered as an afterthought.
Harry's face was as green as the smoke. Dumbstruck and not knowing what else to do, he took a drag from Draco's cigarette and coughed miserably as a blast of red smoke clouded around his face. Choking, he asked for his glasses, hoping that things would make sense once he could see again.
Draco took his time stretching over to the nightstand again. "There, but you're far sexier without them," he commented.
Harry shuddered and closed his eyes as he slid the glasses onto his nose. Please don't be Malfoy. Please don't be Malfoy, he begged silently before opening them again. Malfoy gave a little wave.
Only one thought ran through Harry's head: I have to get him out before Ron sees.
Meanwhile in Seamus Finnegan's bed:
Dean Thomas shot up out of sleep at the sound of a yell.
"Seamus? Did you hear that?" he whispered, poking the shorter boy in the back.
Seamus snorted and rolled over.
Guess not, Dean shrugged. He closed his eyes and snuggled back to sleep.
The Gryffindor common room looked perfectly empty.
The fire had dyed down to a very thin trickle of smoke, and all around rays of sunlight fell on empty armchairs. The only sound that could be heard was the Fat Lady's snores through the back of her portrait.
On opposite sides of the room, at the feet of the Girl and Boy's Dormitory staircases, two shadowy figures silently cheered.
With a furtive look over each of their shoulders, Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy rushed towards each other, colliding in the middle of the deserted room.
"What're you doing here?" they asked simultaneously.
"I was. going to get a drink of water," Ron said quickly. "This is my house. But last time I checked we kept you in the basement with the rest of the disgraces to wizardkind. You had better have a good reason for crawling out of your dungeon, out of bounds, at odd hours, Malfoy, or so help me I'll take so many points from your House your grandkids'll have a negative showing in the House Cup."
"I walk in my sleep," Malfoy replied smoothly. "You think I'd come here willingly? The air stinks of Mudbloods."
Ron reached for his wand, forgetting the fact that he hadn't brought it.
"Wand problems, Head Boy?" Malfoy asked with a derisive smirk. "Add that to the long list of Weasley family failings. Now get out of my way, I need to seek out better company. Think that giant freak has any of those Flubberworms left?"
Ron made a dive for him, but the Draco ducked, strolling casually towards the portrait hole and exiting with a mocking laugh at the shouts of "Fifty points from Slytherin!" that followed him.
Ron was still cursing as he slammed into his dorm, causing three sets of bed curtains to slide open. Neville pulled a pink nightcap off of his head. Seamus and Dean glanced at each other and Dean scrambled to the foot of his own bed. The other boys didn't notice.
"Do you believe that git Malfoy was skulking around our common room!" Ron ranted, walking over to his bed with a string of curses.
Neville, Seamus and Dean expressed their shock and Harry shifted nervously from foot to foot.
"Good thing you caught him out," Harry offered.
"Yeah, before he could do any damage," Dean agreed.
"We should still check over our stuff, though. Make sure he didn't hex anything." Ron narrowed his eyes. "I'm going to McGonagall with this one, though. Sneaking into someone else's House when he should be in bed. We might finally get him expelled."
Harry raised his eyebrows at Ron's righteous tone, but didn't argue. After all, when the two of them had snuck into Slytherin Dungeon, it was to help stop the Heir of Slytherin. Besides, he was in no mood to defend Malfoy. Or think of Malfoy at all. Because his memories of the night before were slowly coming back and the more he remembered the more-
"Harry!" Ron exclaimed, dodging the projectile vomit that headed his way. "Back to the Hospital Wing with you."
"No, I'm fine," Harry insisted, wiping the sweat from his brow. "The thought of Malfoy so close to where we sleep just sickened me," he explained honestly.
"Don't blame you, mate." Ron put a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "But kip over to Pomfrey's anyway. You shouldn't be walking around so soon after that last Quidditch match."
Harry didn't protest, but started to get dressed. At least there was no chance of running into Malfoy there.
The five boys finished getting dressed with a collective sigh of relief that none of their secrets had gotten out.
End of chapter one.
This story will only encompass three days in the life of the characters, but it'll take up many more chapters than it will days. I've basically just set one plotline into motion with this section, and in the subsequent ones I'll introduce the others while furthering this one. Once the plots are all going, I can take it in funnier places.
Notes: This is a parody of some of the strange fanfiction I've seen in the Harry Potter section at Fanfiction.net. It's not meant to insult the writing capabilities of any other author, or to imply that their work is of poor quality. Some of their stories are exceptional, engaging epics that are an asset to the fanfiction community. Certain ideas are just very strange taken out of context.
Hogwarts Revisited By the Scribe
Chapter One: Good Morning, Gryffindor
The early morning sun wafted through the windows of the seventh year Gryffindor boy's dorm, penetrating through a crack in Harry Potter's bed curtains. He mumbled something incoherent and rolled over to burrow into his pillow for a few minutes more of rest, but ended up landing on the something hard. Squinting, he could make out a sleeping form. It was rather long, a couple of inches taller than him, male, blonde and. oh, Draco Malfoy was sprawled across his bed.
He looked down at his blonde nemesis bemusedly for a second before shock set in, sending him skittering back to the foot of the bed. Stifling a cry that would alert his roommates to this atrocious state of affairs, Harry kicked his bare foot at Malfoy's quilt covered leg. "Malfoy," he hissed. "What the devil are you playing at?"
Draco opened his eyes drowsily and shifted, an action which caused Harry's blanket to slide down from his waist, revealing far more Slytherin skin than Harry had ever wanted to see.
"For Merlin's sake!" he yelped. A snort from the direction of Seamus' bed made him lower his voice. "What's going on?"
Malfoy yawned and propped himself up on both elbows, "What're you on about, Potter? What do you think is going on? We shagged. You didn't seem to have a problem with it last night."
"We WHAT?!" Harry squawked.
"We. Shagged," Malfoy explained, reaching through the bed curtains for a package of magical cigarettes. He pulled one out and propped up his bare knee to strike it against. A trail of green smoke began to disseminate from the tip as he puffed on it. "Fag?" he offered as an afterthought.
Harry's face was as green as the smoke. Dumbstruck and not knowing what else to do, he took a drag from Draco's cigarette and coughed miserably as a blast of red smoke clouded around his face. Choking, he asked for his glasses, hoping that things would make sense once he could see again.
Draco took his time stretching over to the nightstand again. "There, but you're far sexier without them," he commented.
Harry shuddered and closed his eyes as he slid the glasses onto his nose. Please don't be Malfoy. Please don't be Malfoy, he begged silently before opening them again. Malfoy gave a little wave.
Only one thought ran through Harry's head: I have to get him out before Ron sees.
Meanwhile in Seamus Finnegan's bed:
Dean Thomas shot up out of sleep at the sound of a yell.
"Seamus? Did you hear that?" he whispered, poking the shorter boy in the back.
Seamus snorted and rolled over.
Guess not, Dean shrugged. He closed his eyes and snuggled back to sleep.
The Gryffindor common room looked perfectly empty.
The fire had dyed down to a very thin trickle of smoke, and all around rays of sunlight fell on empty armchairs. The only sound that could be heard was the Fat Lady's snores through the back of her portrait.
On opposite sides of the room, at the feet of the Girl and Boy's Dormitory staircases, two shadowy figures silently cheered.
With a furtive look over each of their shoulders, Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy rushed towards each other, colliding in the middle of the deserted room.
"What're you doing here?" they asked simultaneously.
"I was. going to get a drink of water," Ron said quickly. "This is my house. But last time I checked we kept you in the basement with the rest of the disgraces to wizardkind. You had better have a good reason for crawling out of your dungeon, out of bounds, at odd hours, Malfoy, or so help me I'll take so many points from your House your grandkids'll have a negative showing in the House Cup."
"I walk in my sleep," Malfoy replied smoothly. "You think I'd come here willingly? The air stinks of Mudbloods."
Ron reached for his wand, forgetting the fact that he hadn't brought it.
"Wand problems, Head Boy?" Malfoy asked with a derisive smirk. "Add that to the long list of Weasley family failings. Now get out of my way, I need to seek out better company. Think that giant freak has any of those Flubberworms left?"
Ron made a dive for him, but the Draco ducked, strolling casually towards the portrait hole and exiting with a mocking laugh at the shouts of "Fifty points from Slytherin!" that followed him.
Ron was still cursing as he slammed into his dorm, causing three sets of bed curtains to slide open. Neville pulled a pink nightcap off of his head. Seamus and Dean glanced at each other and Dean scrambled to the foot of his own bed. The other boys didn't notice.
"Do you believe that git Malfoy was skulking around our common room!" Ron ranted, walking over to his bed with a string of curses.
Neville, Seamus and Dean expressed their shock and Harry shifted nervously from foot to foot.
"Good thing you caught him out," Harry offered.
"Yeah, before he could do any damage," Dean agreed.
"We should still check over our stuff, though. Make sure he didn't hex anything." Ron narrowed his eyes. "I'm going to McGonagall with this one, though. Sneaking into someone else's House when he should be in bed. We might finally get him expelled."
Harry raised his eyebrows at Ron's righteous tone, but didn't argue. After all, when the two of them had snuck into Slytherin Dungeon, it was to help stop the Heir of Slytherin. Besides, he was in no mood to defend Malfoy. Or think of Malfoy at all. Because his memories of the night before were slowly coming back and the more he remembered the more-
"Harry!" Ron exclaimed, dodging the projectile vomit that headed his way. "Back to the Hospital Wing with you."
"No, I'm fine," Harry insisted, wiping the sweat from his brow. "The thought of Malfoy so close to where we sleep just sickened me," he explained honestly.
"Don't blame you, mate." Ron put a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "But kip over to Pomfrey's anyway. You shouldn't be walking around so soon after that last Quidditch match."
Harry didn't protest, but started to get dressed. At least there was no chance of running into Malfoy there.
The five boys finished getting dressed with a collective sigh of relief that none of their secrets had gotten out.
End of chapter one.
This story will only encompass three days in the life of the characters, but it'll take up many more chapters than it will days. I've basically just set one plotline into motion with this section, and in the subsequent ones I'll introduce the others while furthering this one. Once the plots are all going, I can take it in funnier places.