Godzilla Factor

Godzilla was lonely. She could destroy Tokyo over, and over again, but it had lost its meaning. She needed to get away from everything. She needed a holiday. But where to go? Mexico was to hot, she couldn't stand New Zealand. Of course! New York was perfect in the springtime. She would go to Manhattan. She said goodbye to her 238 children, and jumped into the sea.

Godzilla was a very good swimmer. In High School, she was the only monster to swim one hundred leagues under the sea in less than a minute. She even out swam her Sea Monster classmates. She headed South, past Indonesia, and then turned west. She could see Africa in only a few hours. She was too far north. Godzilla had a great sense of direction. It was like a sixth sense – she was her own GPS device, ninety feet tall, with green scales and spines going down her neck, all the way to her tail. If you looked in the waters, you would see her blood-red eyes, the color of Tabasco sauce. Godzilla, now swimming north, had past the Cape of Good Hope, heading north-west to America. She thought, "New York, here I come!"

After almost twenty hours of swimming, she saw a boat. It was very small, there were humans in it. Humans? Godzilla had thought she wiped them out. Were there more of them? There definitely weren't anymore in Japan – she had made sure of that. It looked like they were fishing. She loathed fishermen. Coming from beneath the vessel, she head-butted it, sending the humans on it flying upward several feet. There were a few shouts of terror and pain. "What was that?" and "Are you okay, man?" could be heard. The ship was now stuck on her head. Trying to get it off, she shook her head absentmindedly. The humans that were still on board were sent flying in all directions. As she ripped the boat off her head, she thought she saw one of the humans swimming away screaming, "It's Godzilla! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Save me! Help! It's Godzilla!" The usual nonsense. He should thank me. I let him live, after all.

Finally, she saw lights in the distance. A tall, statue of a green human holding a torch was close by. It was taller than Godzilla by a few yards. This was not acceptable. She tore of the statue's head off with her own muscular, scaly arm. The rest of the statue was still intact. Not quite right. She picked the head, and grabbed the torch. As she ripped off the torch, she could hear muffled screams. More humans. She threw the torch into the ocean. It skipped once, and then was submerged by the cola-dark sea. She placed the head on the place where the torch used to be. Liberty at last.

As she went on shore, humans scattered. That was normal. But as she looked around, she saw many buildings were destroyed. In place of the roads, she could see footprints, huge and five toed, with one toe sticking out in a funny direction. But there did not seem to be claws. What kind of monster was she looking at here? Something that resembles a human, maybe. Godzilla had a memory of dissecting a human once in fourth grade. She could not remember the feet very well, so she grabbed a random human. Too fat. She threw him into the crowd. She tried again. This next one was female. She said something like "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" as Godzilla took off her shoe. No wonder, Godzilla ripped off the human's leg by accident. Godzilla approached the other foot now, more gently this time. She plucked off the shoe. Yes! Success at last. The monster's footprint looked more like the human's foot then her own, but not a perfect match. Godzilla examined the rest of the human, who was now screaming something like, "Oh my God! What's it going to do now?! Aaaaaah! My leg hurts so much! Please! Get away from me you monster! Oh God! I don't want to die! I don't want to die! Put me down! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" She flailed her arms around, punching the air like it would submit to her will if she hurt it enough. Godzilla didn't think that would help the human very much, but when she opened her mouth to point out that fact, flames shot out of her mouth, incinerating the woman. Still, the human should be thanking Godzilla for sparing the arm she was still holding, but the human was silent. How very rude.

Godzilla looked at the arm. There was red goo at the base of it. Godzilla had never known that humans didn't even wash the goo off themselves. She so often had seen it on them when she picked them up. Such barbaric creatures! Luckily though, Godzilla was not in the mood for killing them, it was vacation, after all. But as she walked over them, did they thank her for only killing the people she stepped on? No.

Godzilla heard a put-put-put-put-put-put noise coming from somewhere in the distance. Someone must not be a very good golfer, she thought. It was helicopters making the noise, and they were shooting at something. When Godzilla looked for the source of the noise, she saw the source of the footprints, too.

A big, hairy, gorilla was climbing a tall building as quick as a cat scampering up a tree. But the choppers surrounded him – angry blue jays trying to fight away the cat. Did they not realize the cat could take them all down if he felt like it? But the lazy feline only swatted half-heartedly, as if he was bored and he had done this same scene a million times over, and was ready to shoot another one. Godzilla approached, cautiously. Was this monster friendly or not? She felt confident she could beat him if she had to.

Their eyes met. And suddenly, he didn't seem so beastly at all. Not a common, household cat, but a tiger – ready to strike down the pesky birds at any moment. They stared at each other. Without thinking, this gorilla aimed a clumsy hand at a helicopter, but missed and lost balance. He grabbed the top of the building he was climbing, but the building could no longer support his weight, and broke off. He fell on to the hard ground with a deafening CRASH. He seemed to be unconscious. Godzilla giggled to her self. More flames shot out of her nose, setting fire to a slightly shorter, but fancier building next to the one the gorilla fell from. She was watching from a short distance, now. People were gathering around the gorilla now. She thought she heard a man saying, "It was Beauty who killed the beast." That was very flattering, that the human thought she was pretty, but didn't the man see the chest of the gorilla move up and down? Clearly he was alive. And another thing, how many humans could look at a 90 foot reptile and think it was beautiful? She didn't think the human was beautiful. She opened her mouth to say so, when flames shot out again from her open mouth, killing all the humans that were gathering around the gorilla. Oops. What did she have for breakfast that morning, she thought, raw peppers?

She knew who the gorilla was now. He was King Kong. He graduated one year before her in high school. She had had a crush on him. After all, he was on the football team. She remembered him going off to work on an island to be some god to some humans. It paid good money and had a nice health plan.

Some of the flames that Godzilla had spewed earlier had awakned King Kong, and he was getting to his feet. He looked embarrassed. They walked off together, talking to each other. Sparks seemed to be coming from them. In Godzilla's case, it was true. Sparks were coming from her mouth like fireflies on a clear night. King Kong handed to her the top of the building, and Godzilla blew a flaming heart. As they walked away together, Godzilla heard a human say, "Thank god that's over." Godzilla stepped on him. She looked back at the ruined city and then at King Kong. She was happy at last.

Tune in for next time – King Kong vs. Godzilla: The Breakup