"...Hey, just talked to Sam. He says he's gonna help me find dad. Until Monday, he says he's got something important. What ever and I know, I know what you're thinking. 'It's a start' but..he's so different now. I can bet it's that new girl of his. Her name is Jess. You'd like her she's beautiful and funny an-am I making you jealous yet? Just kidding. She's not you. But anyway she's good for him. She keeps him in check but still..He can't keep livin' like this it's a fantasy. He has to wake up from this dream-he's not gonna last here. Stanford University? How he ended up being so smart is beyond me...Anyway, we're heading to Jericho, California. Thats the last place I remember Dad saying he was going. And you know what, I think this is a good start...I think me and Sammy will make a good team. But still, wish us luck. We're gonna need it...I miss you..."

"Hey Lor, turns out he was hunting a Woman in White. Something's wrong though...He didn't finish the job and he never leaves a hunt unfinished. I don't want to tell Sam but I'm worried about him...This ain'tlike him...But hey, this ain't all bad. Working with Sam isn't horrible. He's a pain in the ass but..he's pretty smart, I'll give him that...Who the hell he got that from is beyond me. I know for a fact he didn't get that from me or Dad...Lori, don't get mad but...I haven't told him about you yet. You're my own little secret and I don't think I'm ready to let him know everything...not yet."

"Something very bad happend to Dad. He left his journal. I found it at the police station, don't ask me why I was in a police station. Okay, I was arrested but don't worry...I escaped. All jokes aside I'm really worried now...I don't know what to do about...Dad or Sam. Sam's already tryin' to leave and he's just pissing me off. It's not fa- It's not fair he can go back to his perfect College life and leave me stuck here with this mess...It's not fair he can go back to Jess and I-...I miss you..."

"Jess is dead...She died the same way our..the same way Mom died..The same way your mom died. On the roof...the fire...I tried to save her..I dropped Sam off and I was gonna drive away but then..I got this feeling and you told me to always trust my feelingsand my watch stopped and I turned around but when I got there it was too late..I only had time to pull Sammy out before the fire got to everything...Shit..He's broken, he's changed, he's different..He's out for revenge, he's out for blood, he's just like Dad now...I don't know if I can take two of them now. But Lori...Damn it...leave me a message...I-...I just want to make sure I'm not talking to a damn cell phone alright? Call me right back."

His voice.

It was the first time I had ever heard him use that voice in a message and it brought tears to my eyes I bad to blink away. I could never let tears fall, if they did they would never stop. I placed the phone and pen down on the bed I sat on as I closed up the journal. I had every word of his messages written down, my new activity to keep my sane, so I no longer needed the distraction. I had a new task at hand. I reached over into the drawer at my bed side and plucked out the cell phone with the red tape. The red tape distinguished this one from the others Dean bought me because it was just for emergencies-while the blue tape was for the messages I would leave once a month and the green tape was for his messages-this was the phone I used when urgent matters were at hand, like now.

I flipped the phone open and dialed the number, hardly looking at the key pad as I did. Dean's number had already become ingrained in my fingertips from all the ghost dialings I had done. Most nights I never pressed 'call' but some nights, those nights I dared to dream, I just needed to hear one ring to know the line was still connected. I just needed to know he was still there and only a phone call away.

This time though I had no fear of pressing the little green button. With urgency I held down the 'call' button as I held the phone to my ear, standing from my bed and pacing with nervousness. I had been so excited by my task that I forgot what I would say...what am I going to say? To calm myself I checked, yet again, the salt lines at the windows and at my door and around my bed, things that weren't necessaty but I could never disobey Dean even from far away.

"Leave a message."

Dean.

My knees went weak and I had to plop down onto my bed again, a usual reaction my body has to his voice. But I had to recover quickly. If he knew what his voice would do to me he'd never let me live it down. Just like when I told him I don't want him talking to other girls because I get jealous, he still won't forget it!

But I had no time to think about that.

The beap came and indicated I could leave a message but what would my message be? I began the only way I knew how, "Hey," crap, my voice was shot to shit from not being used so I cleared my throat and began again, "Hey Dean...," saying his name made the dragons in my stomach take flight but I ignored them. "I'm here, listening to every word. I'm sorry you didn't find John but don't worry, he always lands on his feet. I bet Sam's the same way but...Poor Sam..Be nice to him, okay? Be extra nice to him. This isn't something you can get over fast, okay, so don't expect him to. You Winchesters know how to hold a grudge. That being said I still can't wait to meet him. And I miss you too Dean a lot. I don't think I need to tell you to be careful...oh..and by the way. I don't get jealous anymore."

I hang up the phone and without Dean listening I'm allowed to be weak again and I whisper the words I want to, "I love you."

It seems ridiculous, the fact that we could say 'I miss you' a million times and have it mean a million things. But our relationship is different...it's hard. If we say 'I love you' it means 'I can't live without you' and at that point Dean would have to save me from the bricked tower he and John cooped me up in and Dean's not ready for that. Not ready to 'put me in danger.' As I put the phone down and looked over the journal I feel anger burn me, I never had a choice. But I can't think about these things. I opened the journal to a fresh page and at the top wrote the time and date and word for word what I had just said. I do this because if I read everything a certain way...I could imagin it's a real conversation...and not just lonely messages on a telephone line...

But it's too late to think about all these things. There's a special time around eleven when the thoughts come out to play and it's impossible to get them back in their place. To help get the bat them back I tucked the journal away, in it's secret spot, and did my rounds to make sure windows and doors were locked, security codes were put in, salt lines were untouched, and 911 was on speed dial. These were rituals, habits, that I could never break. And when everything was okay, like I knew it would be, I tucked myself into bed and rolled over on my stomach so I could look at Dean's empty side.

I closed my eyes and whispered,"Good Night, Dean."

Another lonely ritual just for me.

But this night was different. This night, when I drifted off to sleep it wasn't lonely blackness. This night I dreamed of him finally answering me,"Good Night, Lori."