Name: The Guilt that Eats
Author Wannabequeenbe
Rating: PG-13
Author Notes: Drabble for a headcannon yeah :D. Based on this headcannon:
437. Ever since Bruce returned to life after being lost in time, Dick has been actively avoiding spending time alone with Tim out of uniform. He is still carrying a great deal of guilt about not believing his younger brother about their father, and has no idea on how to say that he's sorry for such a huge mistake. What Dick doesn't realize is that his continued avoidance is leading Tim to believe that Dick doesn't care about him period anymore.
"You're a dumb ass," Dick mutters to himself standing on the roof looking through the window. He can see the flickering of the television but knows the owner of the home is not paying attention to it. The homeowner always has the television on for white noise. In fact he can now see the young man who owns the penthouse moving with a cup of coffee in his hand towards the computer in his office. This was the boy's fourth cup of coffee in three hours. Not a record but not normal either. He must have been pulling extra hours. "You're a dumb ass and a chicken," Dick once again mutters to himself as he keeps observing the boy, his brother, Timothy Drake-Wayne.
More than a year ago, Tim had come to Dick saying they're father was alive after what Dick had believed was a horrific death. Dick had been trying to move on with their younger brother Damian and refused to believe him. He had even tried to force Tim to seeing a therapist. All that did was cause more resentment from Tim. Dick clutched his fist; it burned him to the core that the people Tim had turned to had been two of the people Dick hated the most. Jason Todd had given his blessing when Tim picked up the Red Robin costume; they had formed a peace of a type. Tim was now able to understand the emotions Jason had gone through. And Tim had turned to Ra's al Ghul. It made Dick's skin crawl to think of Ra's and his interest in Tim, as an heir to the League of Assassins, and possible more. Dick had seen how Ra's had stared at his little brother, how something akin to desire flared at seeing Tim. It had made Dick want to step between Tim and Ra's, to protect Tim, but that wasn't necessary, Tim was perfectly capable of protecting himself from Ra's. Tim had bested the assassin lead several times on several different playing fields. That didn't stop Dick from wanting Tim as far from Ra's al Ghul as possible.
Dick watched as Tim rubbed his eyes and continued to work. Dick sighed about to turn and leave when the sound of feet moving caught his attention. Turning quickly he found himself staring at Jason Todd the second child in the line of Wayne. "You're a dumb ass," Jason said with a grin. Dick hesitated wondering if Jason had been there the entire time. "Why's that Little Wing," Dick asked. "He thinks you hate him," Jason answered. Dick jerked as if he had been burned, "What?" "Tim, all this avoiding him crap has got to end, he's convinced himself that you hate him for not giving up: for bringing Bruce back, for breaking up your happy little family with the demon." Jason said waving his hand in front of his face. "Are you joking? Of course your not joking, he thinks I'm mad about that," Dick ask. He sees Jason nod, "I feel guilty, I called him a liar and crazy. I made so many bad decisions and I, I left him. Out in the cold, with no back up and no one to be there, his world had crumbled and I helped tear it all down when I took Robin. I didn't get it then, I do now. How do I apologize for that? For destroying someone," Dick looks at Jason as if he has all the answers in the world. "You start with 'I'm sorry, you were right the whole time,' and you go from there. Beg for forgiveness, tell him what you're feeling, let him know that this isn't his fault it's yours, and you do it as you," Jason ended forcefully. "What," Dick asks. "It's Dick that's been avoiding Tim, not Nightwing avoiding Red Robin, you've got to talk to him as Dick, it's Dick that needs his little brother." Jason explains. Dick stands numbly nodding. "You're right," Dick admits and Jason smirks to before pulling his line and heading towards Tim's apartment.
The next day Dick stands on Tim's door step two coffee's in hand. He knows Tim is awake and moving in his apartment but he can't bring himself to knock on the door. Suddenly the door swings open and there stands Tim in sweatpants that look suspiciously like a pair Jason used to own and a superman t-shirt. "You do realize I have four different video cameras pointing at this one spot right," Tim says looking slightly annoyed. Dick can help but shuffle because no, he hadn't thought of that, and it's ridiculous he didn't think of that. Knowing Tim he had the entire building wired.
"I'm assuming one of those is for me, either that you are a horrible brother," Tim says in jest turning to let Dick in. He doesn't know how much that is a punch to Dick's gut. He is a terrible brother; he's been terrible to Jason and Tim he realized last night. Jason had been through real problems. He'd come back from the dead to find Tim in a place that used to be his, he'd been dropped in a Lazarus Pit, and Talia had basically became his adopted mother of sorts. And what had Dick done? Yelled at him, never listened, never tried to understand the changes in his younger brother, Dick had just wanted it to go back to the way things were. And what had he done to Tim? The same thing, when the boy became an adult he had turned on him, betrayed Tim in every possible way.
"So what can I do for you," Tim asked sitting at his computer. Dick raised an eyebrow, "Do for me?" "I'm assuming you have a job you need help with, either in WE or at the night job," Tim asked taking his offered coffee and sipping it. This startled Dick; Tim assumed that his brother was stopping by to talk about work? Had they really gotten this bad? "Or you got it covered and just need me to hack something," Tim seemed, not upset, but disappointed maybe. "Tim I came to have coffee and maybe breakfast with you," Dick snapped. It was Tim's turn to look startled. "What, why," Tim asked. "Because you're my lil' bro Tim," Dick said sitting down. "Yeah, but, I thought, well, we had changed, that things, they had changed," Tim stuttered out. Dick sighed, this was his entire fault, "They did Lil' Bird, but that doesn't mean we have to change everything." Tim looked puzzled, "But Damien." "He's my Lil' Bat, my baby brother, that doesn't mean you're not my brother anymore. Just because I got you doesn't mean Jason isn't still my brother," Dick bit out, angry at himself, did all of his brothers see it the same way? "I guess, you said Damien needed you more, I just assumed that, with the way," Dick could see Tim struggling with the words.
Dick took a deep breath, "Damien needs me in a way that you don't Tim. A way I don't think you ever did. Jason sure as hell didn't need or want me that way," Dick pausing taking a drink and gathering his thought. "When Jason came, when he became Robin, he got stuck in the middle of me and Bruce and we didn't make it easy for him. In fact I don't think we could have made it harder if we tried. I know we both always made him feel like he was just keeping my boots warm till I came back. Bruce, unintentionally, me, well I knew just how to make him as on edge as possible," Dick was ashamed of himself for his behavior when Jason first came to the Bat family. "Then when I finally got over myself, Jason didn't feel he could trust me. That if he took the hand it would bite him, and at that point he and Bruce were having their problems. Then he died and I never got to fix it. When he came back I wanted him to go back and be that kid so I could do it right this time. Except I did it all wrong, when he refused to play the role I cast him in I disregarded him, made him the enemy," Dick stopped leaning his head on the back of the chair.
"Damien needed me in a different way, he was so starved for attention, affection, I knew Bruce would try but he's horrible at it, and well Talia's crazy. I had to breakdown his walls, and I still am but it's getting better. He doesn't flinch when I touch him, and I've seen him laugh, not the creepy scary assassin's laugh. The full blown belly laugh," Dick said with a smile.
"But you Tim, you're my brother, my equal, you didn't need me to comfort you or help you with Bruce. You knew how to handle him, knew how to do everything. You became my friend, my tag-a-lone brother that was a bad ass cause you knew computers in crazy ways. I was always proud that you could stand on your own two feet, for being so incredibly strong as a person. I forgot that you were a kid still. That you lost your entire family, you lost Bart, Kon, and Steph, then you lost Bruce, you literally had nothing. When Bruce was taken, I didn't even think about what a blow to you it was, that you had literally lost your world, all I could focus on was myself and Damien, all I could see was a little boy who didn't have a dad any more, and I just assumed that you were strong enough to be able to stand on your own," Dick looks at his brother, he's surprised Tim has stayed this long, listened to him this long, when he had no right to ask that of Tim.
"This is all well and good Dick, but what do you want me to do with this," Tim asks. Dick can see the invisible walls that Tim has erected around himself to protect what's left of Tim. "You asked me to trust you, begged me to listen, and I didn't. I couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, and when it turned out you were right, that I had been wrong for so long, I didn't know what to do or how to even start apologizing. I accused you of losing it. Tried to get you to see a shrink, I had taken everything from you and gave it to someone you despise, and somehow, despite my best efforts to destroy you, you picked yourself up. You became your own man, when lesser men, when I, would've just stayed down. I fought with Bruce and ran away. Jason came and I tried to destroy him, twice. When you went through the same things you made all the right decisions. You've built something with Jason, you found Bruce when everyone else stopped looking, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, aw hell, I don't even know what to say now," Dick said his head falling in both his hands.
Dick didn't hear Tim get up or move next to him, but he felt the hand on his shoulder, "Dick, I forgive you, and I know," Tim said quietly. "You know," Dick asks looking up at his brother. Tim smiled at him, "Jason explained it. That you hate change, that you don't know how to handle it, so you tend to stick you head in the sand and ignore it. When people challenge that you get defensive and dangerous, Jason made me see that it wasn't about me but you," Tim said squeezing Dick's shoulder. Dick's a little dumb founded; Jason had been helping him get back in Tim's good graces the whole time. Dick couldn't help the sigh, now he felt even worse for how he treated Jason.
"What I never got is why you waited so long to talk to me about all this," Tim asks looking confused. "Guilt, I didn't know how to start apologizing for what I had done and it was easier to avoid you then to figure out the words," Dick admitted. "Next time, don't avoid me, we'll figure it out, I thought, I thought you didn't want me as a little brother any more. That with Damien, you had the one that you always wanted; I know I'm not perfect. I'm not much into touching, and I tend to be too serious, but that's what I always liked about being around you. Is I didn't have to be Tim Drake-Wayne, Boy Wonder, cause you were already Dick Grayson, Boy Wonder. It was like that with Kon and Bart; they were spectacular in their own ways so I didn't have to be perfect. After I lost them, all I had were those times I was with you, then you stopped being around me and it's hard, to be perfect all the time. It's why I like being around Jay, he'll start throwing things at me if I become Tim Drake-Wayne around him. He tends to call me Timmy in his Brucie voice." Tim laughs, "He always says he didn't come to hang out with Timmy, he wants Tim, it's nice. When you stopped talking to me I thought it was because you wanted me to be Timmy Drake-Wayne and not Tim, and I knew I couldn't be him at the point. I needed to be Tim. So I left, and I didn't force myself on you." Tim shrugs.
Dick stand hugging Tim, Dick pulls Tim far enough back to look in his eyes, he hands on either side of Tim's head, "Tim, you're my brother; I don't want the perfect image everyone sees. I want Tim, the kid who's geeks out over superheroes and movies. The kid who was smart enough to figure out who Batman was, Timmy's great, but Tim is a bad ass who can do anything he sets his mind at. He's my bad ass baby bro, who can forgive his big brother for being an ass and making some of the biggest mistakes in his life." Tim smiled, "Yeah, I hear Tim's bad ass in that way." Dick pulls his Baby bird in for one more hug before releasing him. "Now I don't know about you but I'm hungry, call Jay, see if he's awake and wants breakfast we'll go to that dive he likes. The one with the soggy hash browns," Dick said. Tim looks surprised, "You're not the only one I've been an ass to recently," Dick says with a shrug, "Best way to get on Little Wing's side is food." Tim grins and pulls out his phone texting his other brother before grabbing his wallet and keys following his eldest brother out the door.