Happy Bonesday, everyone! Hopefully watching Bones tonight will erase all sadness that this story may cause. This oneshot started out as a drabble for 100 Moments in the Life of Dr. Temperance Brennan. The prompt was "dying". (hides behind a shirtless Booth) Before you attempt to kill me, I want to remind you that this would be a post WitW, and that Booth is really fine. Brennan just doesn't know that.
Disclaimer: (sigh) If I DID own Bones, you would definitely be able to figure it out. Bones would be playing 24/7 on all TV stations and websites. The show would consist of Booth. Shirtless Booth. We would all look at his image for hours on end, drinking Coke and eating chocolate. Every once in a while, Brennan would make an appearance so that she could climb Everest. Because that would make Booth happy. And when Booth's happy, I'm happy.
Dr. Temperance Brennan had always run from her problems or pushed them away, using the term compartmentalization as her excuse, but now she stood still as the reality washed over her. He was gone. He was dead.
Death was something she dealt with every day. She had seen horrible things. She was tough because she had to be. The bodies she dealt with on a daily basis would make most people sick to their stomachs. She had learned long ago that she couldn't let her emotions interfere with the job. The victims deserved better than that. She was their voice, she had to be strong. She couldn't help them any if she was an emotional wreck.
She had mastered the skill of compartmentalizing. So why couldn't she compartmentalize this? She was used to death. So why was his so different? Even when she was trying to solve her mother's murder, she hadn't felt this helpless, this lost. But he was there to help you through it, she reminded herself, and this time he can't.
It was a hard concept to grasp. Booth couldn't help her through this. She always turned to him when something like this happened. And now, she couldn't. She had lived without him before; she knew that she could live without him again. But she didn't know how to live without him anymore. She had always resisted his help. She hadn't meant to come off as cold and insensitive, it was merely a self preservation technique. She was just trying to prevent herself from feeling…from feeling like this.
How exactly did she feel? She couldn't imagine there being a word to describe how awful she felt right now. That was the thing about the English language. It was largely figurative and people exaggerated often. She felt lost right now, truly and completely lost. But the word "lost" could be used to describe a child confused by a math problem. Her situation was so much worse than that. She could have said that she felt hopeless. She did. She felt like she would never feel happiness again. But the word "hopeless" could be used to describe a clumsy person that seems incapable of being able to succeed in gym class.
"Dr. Brennan?" Zack asked nervously. She was probably frightening him. Poor Zack. She was supposed to be an example for him, and now she was just falling apart.
She looked up into his eyes and was shocked by what she saw. He looked devastated. Zack hadn't really been particularly close to Booth. But they did have their "male bonding" thing. And they were family in a way. Booth had once told her that the squints were her family. And even if he tried to deny it, he was one of them.
Was….used to be….it all seemed so odd. She wanted him to walk through that door and laugh at her. She wanted to be told that it was all some sort of mean trick. "See, Bones? Told ya you would miss me if something happened!" But at the same time, she knew that Booth wouldn't do that. He wouldn't let her feel this kind of pain unless he really was gone. He wouldn't make her go through this just to prove a point. If he were alive, he would do everything in his power to take away her pain. But he wasn't here. He wasn't here because he had jumped in front of her. Idiot. Selfish idiot. She would rather die than be left alone to deal with this grief and guilt. He had gotten the better end of the deal this time.
She wanted to hate him. She wanted to hate him for making her feel like this. She wanted to hate him for being so nice to her all of the time. She wanted to hate him for letting her become this dependent on him. She wanted to hate him for jumping in front of that bullet and leaving her behind. She wanted to hate him for betraying her like this. She wanted to hate him and his stupid grin and his cocky belt buckle. But as much as she tried, she couldn't. It was impossible for her to hate Seeley Booth. And that made her even more angry.
"Sweetie?" Angela whispered. Oh. She had forgotten about the others. She had forgotten that she was still sitting in the hospital. She wanted to answer Angela, but she couldn't seem to make words come out of her mouth. Her mouth just hung open, a blank expression on her face.
"Ange?" she finally managed in a shaky voice. Angela gently wrapped her arms around Brennan. Brennan lost track of time as she let herself relax into Angela's hug. She didn't know what she was going to do. All she knew was that she needed this. She needed to be reminded that there was still someone who cared about her. Angela would help her through this.
She was confused when Angela suddenly released her from the hug, and looked up to see Hodgins and Sweets standing in front of her. Hodgins silently offered her a cup of coffee, and she wordlessly accepted it, giving him a small semblance of a smile in return. Hodgins nervously nodded and sat down next to Angela. Cam was sitting next to Zack. Every few seconds she would glance at Brennan, then quickly look away. It confused Brennan. Everyone was acting so nervous around her. She wanted to tell them to stop. That she wasn't made of glass. But she couldn't form words right now.
"Dr. Brennan," Sweets began in a calm voice. He was the only one who didn't seem even a little bit nervous. "Right now, I'm sure you're feeling a lot of different emotions. Not only is that normal, but it's a good thing. I know that you tend to compartmentalize, but this time I need you to-"
"Sweets." Angela said softly with a shake of her head, "I'm not sure that now's the best time. Maybe in a few days?"
Sweets nodded in agreement and turned to Brennan again. "When you're ready to talk about this, I'll be ready to listen." he said before walking away.
Angela whispered something to Hodgins, then stood up. "Come on, Bren. Let's get you home." She held out a hand, which Brennan gladly accepted. Her body felt like lead, her mind felt as if she were in a trance, and she wasn't sure if she would be able to stand without assistance. When she did stand, she felt herself begin to sway.
"That's it, you can do it." Angela wrapped an arm around Brennan to steady her. Brennan was impressed. Angela was an emotional person. Booth had been Angela's friend as well. Angela was obviously hurting too. And yet, she had forgotten about herself and was focused on helping Brennan.
The two friends slowly made their way down the hallway and to the doors. Brennan caught a glimpse of her reflection in one of the windows. She saw the tears rolling down her face and realized that she had been crying the entire time without knowing it.
"Ange?" she whispered again. It seemed that whispering was all she could do at the moment, and even that seemed like a miracle.
"Hmm?" Angela responded as they walked out of the hospital and into the night.
"He shouldn't have done that. I'm not worth it." Brennan said.
Angela spun around and hugged her again. "Shh…Don't say that. Don't you ever even think that, Temperance Brennan. You were definitely worth it."
"I think I might have loved him." Brennan quietly admitted.
"I know, Sweetie, I know." Angela said in a comforting voice, "He loved you too."
Everyone who reviews gets a Booth coin. You know, those pretty little golden coins with Booth's face on them? The ones that are magical and worth millions and millions of dollars because just looking at it can fix all problems you might have. Soooo....who wants a Booth coin?