WARNING: This story is rated M, for language, sexual themes, and violence. While there will be quite a bit of Ellie/OC and Joel/OC, ultimately, under the surface and (eventually) above, there will be a Joel and Ellie pairing. This story takes place after the duo arrive at Tommy's dam and does not include the events in The Last of Us Epilogue One Night Live. Ellie is now eighteen years old and Joel is fifty-one. If you are not comfortable with this pairing, please leave now. If you are, then enjoy!

i.

"I've struggled for a long time with survivin'. And you- no matter what, you keep findin' somethin' to fight for."

"Are we sick?"

Joel remembered how the question had left her lips, so innocent, so terrified. Drawn into a high pitch with the panic. "No, no, of course not," he'd assured the little girl, his little girl, but deep down, in the furthest corner of his mind, he had his doubts. At the time, nobody was fully aware of what was happening. There was an infection spreading, that everyone was absolute of, but the nature of it was bizarre and unclear. It could've been a parasite, a virus, a mutated bubonic plague for all they knew. It would take years for Joel to get the news, to finally know what exactly the whole pandemic was. But it would also take several years for authorities to learn of it too.

And now, the aged man wished he would've just been one of the unfortunate people that were killed that night. He wished that he would've felt those bullets, instead of Sarah.

He was in the limbo between sleep and consciousness, his imagination running rampant. The memories tore through the rows of his brain in nightmares, and he tossed and turned. They felt like a vice, constricting around his throat, until he was gasping for breath. Because it was replaying over and over, a broken record, before his eyes, and he was helpless, over and over.

His lungs ached and with every step that pounded into the Earth, his breaths were getting heavier. He felt the panic surging through him, like an electric current, and every time they came upon another one of the infected, he received another shock. That was the only way he kept moving. He was in survival mode, his pupils dilated and alert, with his only child slung about in his arms.

Sarah was terrified. Joel could feel it in the way she shook, in the way she peered up at him. And her stare only gave him the drive to keep going, to keep protecting her, because he knew that he was the only one that could.

The relief had just begun to swell, it was rising up in his chest, when they turned the corner. But it was knocked down and the events seemed to fire at his life without even a moment to catch up. He heard the snarls, the starved growling, just a moment too late. And the realization struck him suddenly, a cascading river of panic, he jumped slightly and made a move to turn and defend himself and his daughter, but he hadn't thought it through- he didn't have any weapons!

But just when the thought ripped through his mind - we're gonna die - bullets were fired, action was taken quickly, and the infected dropped to the ground in heaps of blood behind him.

Sarah clenched her eyes shut and Joel squinted his against the blinding light of a flashlight. And he whispered a shaky reassurance, "It's okay, baby, we're safe. We're safe."

Then he called out to the soldier. Someone who could protect them. "Hey! We need help!"

"Stop!"

"Please," Joel didn't even hear the warning. "It's my daughter. I think her leg's broken."

But the response was furious, and the gun was pointing straight at them. "Stop right there!"

That's when Joel got it. The suspicion arose. And, though he wasn't sure then, he was sure now that that was when he knew. That was when he knew the man would not attempt to save them. It was evident in his tone. It was evident in the mumble to his sergeant. Joel had taken a few steps back, his gut writhing. His heart was pounding. Something bad was going to happen. He could feel it in his bones, smell it in the air.

He remembered staring, hoping, teetering on the edge to wait.

"Sir, there's a little girl... But..." A sigh. "Yes, sir."

Now it was Joel's turn to give a warning, a frantic warning, a pleading tone, wide eyes, hitched breath. "Listen, buddy, we've just been through hell. Okay, we just need-" But he was readjusting the gun on his shoulder... Almost to get a better aim... It crashed into him, but not quickly enough. He needed to run! "Oh, shit." But as he turned to do just that, he already knew, before the shots were even fired, he already knew.

He felt them slice through him, little pangs of death that spread through his back, made him catch his breath, but he needed to shield Sarah with his own body. He dropped. He dropped and they went tumbling down the dirt hill. And her scream echoed in his ears, high and scared. Joel narrowly had time to even roll over and face the sky again, when the soldier came pounding down the hill, his gun fixated on Joel's skull.

He reached his hand out, for mercy. "Please, don't."

Boom!

The man's head took the blow, and he fell limply, dead, to the ground. Joel caught sight of Tommy and the revolver in his hand. Then caught the whimpers. The agonizing whimpers. "Oh no..." He didn't care anymore. He crawled to his daughter, through the dirt and blood, in a rush, in a frenzy. "Sarah!"

Her whimpers heightened as he neared, in choppy intensity. He knew what to do. And she'd be okay. She had to be. "Okay, move your hands, baby," he guided her, but her little screams as he touched her (and, dammit, he was just lightly prodding her with his fingers), struck his heart. As he moved to press down on the wound fully, to stop the bleeding - "I know, baby, I know. Listen to me, I know this hurts, baby," she pried at him, tried to hold onto his shoulder with everything in her. And he was pleading now. "You're gonna be okay, baby. Stay with me. Alright, I'm gonna pick you up. I know, baby, I know it hurts. Come on, baby, please! I know, baby, I know!" But her whimpers were dwindling, like embers of a fire dying. "Sarah..."

It dawned on him before he truly wanted to accept it. He felt nauseous. He felt sick with panic, and devastation. And he did all he could do - he begged her, god dammit, he begged her, "Baby... Don't do this to me, baby. Don't do this to me." He felt the tingle in his nose, the lump growing in his throat, the tears welling in his eyes. They came like a storm. Suddenly, and spilling over the barrier of his manliness. They flowed like a river, like a turbulent water, racing down his cheeks and falling off the end of his face, into the fabric of her bloodied, graphic t-shirt.

No parent should ever have to watch his child die. Especially not in his dreams every night.

Joel jolted awake with a wild gasp. His face was wet with the tears he was not aware he'd been shedding. He glanced over at Ellie, who he realized was staring at him, her light green eyes wide. She'd never seen him cry before. Because he kept his guard up constantly now, even with those closest to him. Quickly, almost in an effort to make her forget what she'd witnessed, Joel wiped away the tears with his calloused hands. He sniffled, his sinuses swollen, and cleared his throat, trying not to look at the girl.

It had been four years since they'd arrived at Tommy's, been granted a lot to build a house, and although Joel had taken special measures to build Ellie a room of her own, he still awoke to find her in his, even sleeping beside him at times. Which, admittedly, made him a tad uncomfortable. Not because of her, but because of himself. She was a young woman now, and she looked it too. And although he would never admit it to himself, he had (sickeningly) realized that she was actually very beautiful when she began doing this. But Joel never denied her, because he knew she could only feel fully safe when she was around him. And he happened to feel slightly more content when there was another healthy, alive human lying next to him as he slept.

But today was a bad day for her to camp out in his room.

"What're you doing here?" he asked, almost angrily. He was embarrassed that she'd gotten to see him break down, even if it was completely understandable. He was sure he'd been mumbling in his sleep too. What had she heard?

Her eyes were trained on him, her auburn hair mussed. She ignored his question. "You were crying in your sleep."

There was a moment of silence. "You didn't answer my question."

Ellie sighed and sat up, the shared blanket falling off her shoulders in a heap around her waist. "It was really fucking cold last night. So I came to ask you if you could help me start a fire, but you were asleep, and I didn't want to burn the house down, so... I just bunked with you. It never seemed to bother you before," she added, with a slight edge in her voice.

Joel's hand dragged down his tired face. "It didn't and it still doesn't. Just... don't make a habit of it."

"Alright," she paused, chewing on her lower lip. He could tell she wanted to say more, so he got up, out of bed, planning to go downstairs and start breakfast before she could speak. But she followed him (how could he expect her not to?) into the kitchen. "What were you dreaming about?" she asked, quietly, as if stepping on glass shards. He'd told her once before - talking about Sarah to him was "treading on mighty thin ice".

"Nothing." He yanked open the (refurbished) fridge to take out the container of eggs - six fresh eggs, picked the day before - and the container of milk. If they didn't drink it by tomorrow, it would spoil. Something Joel had taken awhile to get used to. The processed milk they'd had twenty-five years ago could last for two weeks or more in the fridge, and upwards three months if he threw it in the freezer. A breeze drafted through the kitchen. "Could you start this while I get that fire goin'?"

Ellie took over the cooking, scrambling both eggs, while he went to the makeshift fireplace and poked around. They needed more firewood. In the Winter, the best was birch. But all of the birch wood Joel had collected was already burned to ash, despite it only being a few days. This Winter was brutal. It seemed like they constantly had to keep the fire alive. At least all of the chopping down trees helped the man build muscle he'd thought he'd already built. He learned the day after he cut down his first batch of trees, that his upper back muscles weren't as durable as he'd thought. And without the need to incessantly battle enemies, he was beginning to loose some of his strength.

Which is why Ellie scooped more eggs onto Joel's plate than her's. He'd started to actually work out after breakfast.

"I'll be back," he announced, grabbing one of the two axes he had leaning against the wall beside the fireplace.

"Alright. Be careful," Ellie responded, almost out of habit. It was a ritual to remind him that she was counting on his return and to not go out and get himself killed, because she cared about him more than she could express with words. He was all she had in this rotten world. Of course, now she had Tommy and Maria and some friends around the neighborhood, but she never bothered to get close to anyone but Joel. Mainly because she was afraid. Joel was the only one she'd ever known to protect her like his own life depended on it, and he didn't abandon her even when he had the choice. He even saved her before the surgeons could open up her skull and extract what would ultimately become the cure to this horrid disease, something she found out a good two years after they got to the dam. Of course, she'd known that there weren't "dozens just like her". She'd known he'd been lying, but she didn't know the extent of what had happened. One night, he'd called her down, told her he had to get it off his chest and that he was sorry and that he'd killed Marlene. They argued, shouted, cussed at each other. But, in the end, she knew that he'd only whisked her away because he cared about her.

But whereas Ellie loved Joel as an equal, Joel, for the first few years of knowing Ellie at least, loved her like a surrogate daughter. It was only as she started growing, looking less like a child, less like a ghost of Sarah, that he was able to reel back in his sanity and treat her as she should've been treated - her own person. Just like he'd said back at the Ranch, Ellie wasn't his daughter and he sure as hell wasn't her dad. But they were both equally as attached to each other, though they never voiced it.

Joel shrugged on his winter coat and his worn boots before heading out into the cold. It wasn't long before the sight of the nearby forest came into his view and it was as he was approaching the gates to be let out that he heard his name being called.

"Joel! Joel, wait up!"

He turned to find his brother, Tommy, rushing to catch up to him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothin'. Well, sort of nothin'. What were you 'bout to go do? 'Cause I need to talk to you about somethin'. Somethin' important." Tommy's tone made Joel narrow his eyes. Those were very vague words; he needed to know more before he postponed this wood gathering trip. He wasn't gonna let Ellie freeze to death over something that could wait.

"I was about to go get some wood for a fire. If this ain't that important, then I'd rather you wait to tell me," Joel's words were fabricated momentarily as a chilled mist in the air.

"I'll just join ya. I can help ya lug it all back here. It'd be better to have some privacy anyway."

With that, Joel and Tommy plodded through the snow and into the forest. For awhile, as the two wandered through the woods looking for a good tree to start with, it was silent. Which made Joel suspect what Tommy needed to talk about was something hard to hear, something he wouldn't want to know. Some bad news. As Joel began chopping away at one of the smaller trees, his brother finally spoke up.

"So I was talkin' to Maria the other day and she said that we're startin' to have a surplus of food."

"Hm. That ain't a bad thing if you ask me. You just wanted my opinion?" The older man heaved the axe over his shoulder, glancing at Tommy before whacking the blade into the frayed bark.

"No, no, I'm not askin' for your opinion. It's just... like I said, Maria and I were talkin', and she said she was talkin' to her dad about the whole thing, and well, we all decided that we're actually gonna need more mouths to feed."

Joel said nothing, just waited for him to continue as the tree plummeted to the ground with a huff, sending snow billowing up into the air.

Tommy went on as he helped Joel drag it into a more open area. "Our settlement is gettin' pretty big and pretty safe and, we reckon if we just be careful 'bout who we let into the neighborhood, we can start tryin' to..."

Joel had stopped hacking the tree and started listening very intently to Tommy. He couldn't tell what he was getting at. And it sure as hell didn't seem as important as Tommy had implied.

"Try to what?"

"Repopulate."

Oh.

"But why does that concern me?"

"Well, you still got your penis, don't you?" Tommy joked, but Joel didn't even crack a smile.

"I'm old, Tommy," he objected, shaking his head in refusal and going back to chopping up the birch.

"Not old enough to stop producing sperm."

"I'm not... Tommy. Who the fuck do you expect me to go off and have sex with? And don't say Esther. I don't like 'er."

"Well, there's that nice woman who lives with her sister a few houses down. What's her name? Jenna. And her sister's Olivia. They're both really nice, Joel. Just, choose one, talk to her, get to know her." Tommy's eyes were almost pleading.

"...No."

A sigh. "Well-"

"No. I said no."

"Listen! I'm droppin' it. I need to ask you somethin' else now."

"Go on, I'm waitin'." The two men now heaved the few logs up onto their shoulders and were starting to walk back to the, for all intentions and purposes, town. Joel looked over at his brother. He was trying to avoid eye contact.

"I told Maria I didn't think you'd want to, but I agree that you'd be the best bet for this. We just... Well, Ellie-" Joel tensed up at the mention of her name. No. He was already to reject whatever Tommy was suggesting. "-is getting older now, she's... well, she's physically ready and able to have kids-"

"No."

"Now, Joel-"

"No."

"That's not your decision to make, Joel." They had reached the settlement and were now making their way through the maze of houses. Thank god. Joel didn't think he could deal with arguing with Tommy anymore. The subject made him very uncomfortable. It wasn't that he didn't think Ellie would be a good mother, or that he couldn't imagine her with a baby on her hip, but he just didn't want to think about it. "We just wanted you to mention it to Ellie," he rushed out, aware that he was testing Joel's patience. "Maria said she'd do it, but she thought maybe Ellie would be more comfortable with talkin' to you about it. Only 'cause she's known you for so long."

Joel now decided to ignore Tommy, angry that Tommy and Maria were planning to force this on Ellie. Dammit, the girl had never even had a childhood herself. How was she supposed to give one to a baby? "Just drop the wood down here." They'd finally reached Ellie and Joel's house and Joel was dragging the logs onto the porch.

What he didn't know was that Ellie was watching the two's dispute through the window, picking at her eggs. Whenever she saw Joel arguing with his brother, it worried her. She always remembered what he said Tommy's last words were to him before. She didn't want them to get into such a bad fight that Joel and Ellie would have to up and move out of the safety of the settlement. She knew how hard Joel was to deal with. He wasn't an easy person to negotiate anything with. So this sight peaked her interest. What were they talking about?

Ellie quickly turned her attention back to her food to make it seem like she hadn't been eavesdropping as Joel kicked open the door, hauling in the firewood.

"Are you really that against just talking to her about it?" Tommy pressed angrily. Ellie couldn't help but peak up. She saw that Joel was continuously glancing over at her.

"Yes," he grumbled.

"I'll tell Maria to then. Or, you know what, better yet, I'll just do it right here, right now." Tommy went forward, striding over to Ellie. "Ellie, how would you feel-"

"No, wait. Tommy, wait."

Both of Tommy's eyebrows were risen with question.

"Good god, you've gotten bold," groaned Joel. "I'll talk to her about it. You can tell Maria to not worry about it."

"Feel about what?" Ellie chimed in, glancing between the two men.

Joel threw daggers at Tommy. "I'll tell you later, Ellie."

Satisfied, Tommy went on his way, stopping on his way out to murmur, "Tell her 'bout Jason and Colin and even Tanner."

As soon as the door was shut and Ellie was alone with Joel, her eyebrows tugged together in confusion. What the hell were they talking about? And why did she need to know about Jason, Colin, and Tanner? What about them? She'd already met Jason and Colin. Only greeted Tanner a few times. "Joel, what's going on?"

"Later. I need to get this fire goin'."

I hope that wasn't too crappy of a first chapter! Please review! Tell me how I can improve and, if you want, you can even suggest some additions to the main overall plot. :) Thanks for reading!