I think there's something wrong with me. There is no sensible reason, other than insanity, that would cause me to lay awake here in bed at 2:56 a.m. thinking about the 'Generation of Miracles.' While jerking off... with a couple of fingers in my ass- but that's not the point! See I've known I've liked guys since I was in the 5th grade, actually, I can recall the exact moment I realized I was attracted to them. Tatsuya and I were in some park nearby our school playing basketball as usual, when all of a sudden this wind hits us, tousle up his hair. For the first time I could recall, both of his eyes had been visible. He gave me this breathless little laugh as a result of over exerting ourselves, against Alex's commands, and reached a hand up to tame his hair, asking me if I was done for the day. I remember having to shake my head to clear away the thoughts that had suddenly pervaded my head in order to reply with a definitive 'No!', but by the next day, the thoughts had reappeared the second I saw him again. I was shocked at not having noticed that Tatsuya is beautiful, in every imaginable way, wellll at least as far as my preteen mind would let me fathom. I can honestly say he was the first person I'd fallen in love with. He was also the first person to completely shatter my heart.
I came back to Japan both relieved at not having to face him and the look of betrayal on his face for having taken pity on him during our last game, which he found to be equivalent of me looking down on him, and mournful of what was lost. I didn't have a best friend or a brother anymore, and the only thing holding the chain that represented that together was a promise that once we beat each other, the severing of our relationship would be official. It was stupid, really, but at the time I was so focused on wanting to make him happy and wanting to keep him a part of my life that I fully subscribed to the drama fest he signed us up for.
I tried to throw myself into basketball in an attempt to forget about him, but that was a huge blunder on my part considering he was the one who taught me how to play in the first place. In my eyes no one was as good as him, they couldn't stand up to par and were mediocre at best. I looked down on them not because of their skill, but because I was missing Tatsuya too much to not be able to stop comparing everyone else to him and realizing how they could never be him or take his place. I didn't even bother trying to look for better players, compelled to remain in the belief that Tatsuya was the best, not understanding that I was doing so to protect myself. Wanting to keep my greatest memories of him alive so as to not have fully lost him by opening my eyes to who he really was.
Meeting Kuroko and learning about the 'GoM' really changed that for me though. I went into high school under much of the same delusion, albeit a bit excited by the prospect of playing against better player- none as good as Tatsuya though, never as good as him- when all of a sudden this weird ass kid with presence disorder comes barreling straight into my life without giving me the chance to protect myself.
I'm so thankful that he did.
The Winter Cup finished a week ago and I fulfilled my dream, well at least thus far. My team mates and I won the tournament working together, proving we're number 1 in Japan. Plus, I got to patch things up with Tatsuya.
That just leaves me with plenty of time to deal with my ever growing problem, my need to touch myself at the thought of one of those GoM bastards fucking me.
Now, I'm not sure if anyone who's met me knows this, but I don't really like those guys too much, well their personalities at least. They grate on my last nerves and it takes all of my will power to not lash out of them, mostly because I think I would just end up trying to cop a feel or something and they'd freak out, but I think you get the point.
I'm so sexually frustrated that I think my dick will probably fall off within my next 2 or 3 masturbation sessions, and the scary part is, I'm not incredibly put off by that notion 'cause then I won't have to jerk it to these assholes anymore. God, do you know what it's like to have to look these guys in the eyes and try to not visualize what having them inside me would be like? Especially after playing a game that has us grunting nonstop and forcing us to take our shirts off from how sweaty we get. Ugh, I once came across these guys who had the audacity to say that "us gays" have it good because we get to peep in on all the ass in the shower and locker rooms. If there has ever been anyone that ever needed a reality check it's those two morons.
With cultural homophobia still holding strong, I can't let other people know I'm gay without fear of being beat unconsciously every single day while simultaneously being ostracized by everyone around me, and even if people were to "accept" me, they would do so under a veil of ignorance. They'd keep me at a certain arms length, always side eyeing me to make sure I'm not being too conspicuous about ogling them, because you know with being gay and all I'd obviously be attracted to any guy since I'm a major cock slut... which I'm not despite all my previous statements. Like I said before, I've only ever been attracted to Tatsuya before getting to know these GoM bastards a bit, and I still don't understand how or why I'm interested in them. Anyway, point is that I wouldn't be treated the same no matter how much they'd still decide to keep me around. Their preconceived notions won't wane just because they find out I'M gay, instead they'll just look for little cues in my behavior that prove to them that, 'oh hey, yeah, gays really are like that.'
Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do for the next two years. Since the Winter Cup, Kuroko has been keeping in touch with them much more than he had since beginning high school, so sometimes we hang out with Kise near the courts of Seirin, study with Midorima and Takao, or eat at Majis with Momoi and Aomine. When I cam with Tatsuya, Murasakibara will usually be right next to him eating some random shit and we've gotten to talking about what mine and Tatsuya's childhood in L.A. was like 'cause he's interested in traveling overseas. I've only spoken to Akashi twice since our game, and both times it was him complimenting me on a job well done and to give me advice on how to improve my sleeping habits after receiving a text from Kuroko asking for advice on how to help me. I've gotten so much closer to most of these guys and I can honestly say if it wasn't for me not wanting to get to delve any deeper into our relationships, we'd be friends. I'm just scared that this lust will grow into much more if I start being attracted to more than just their physical qualities. I know that we're going to be seeing and hearing more of each other with the way things are going.
ARGH, I just wanna scream. I just don't see how any of what I know of them is substantial enough to produce any of the feelings I have, especially because I'm attracted to ALL of them. The only beacon of light in this problem is that my feelings aren't equal for all of them. Since Murasakibara and Akashi are in schools that are so far away, they have schedules that are actually pretty different from Seirins, so I don't get to focus as much of my attention on them. Instead my attention usually lies on Kise, Midorima and Aomine, and the more time I spend with these guys, the less I'll like the other two. Buuut that'll then make my feelings for these three even stronger, since there's no one to distract me from them... well besides each other. Kise has a lot of modeling gigs and works himself to the core to be able to maintain his Perfect Copy technique in a different prefecture, so he doesn't come around as much as he could, and yes, I've noticed because I miss his noisy ass sometimes. Midorima and Aomine are always around though; Kuroko and I see either one at least twice a week. The only thing that kinda diminishes my attraction for those two are their bffs. Takao and Midorima look like they belong together, and while the thought of them doesn't deflate my dick in the slightest, it's disappointing because I feel like Midorima's claimed. Same with Aomine, it's like he can't even wipe his own ass without Momoi being in the background or calling his phone to check on him. It's like I can't have fully lose myself to my fantasies of them because Takao and Momoi are almost an intricate part of them.
I don't know why I get thoughts like that.
I mean, I don't like them, right? So why should thoughts of who they could be with mean anything to me? If all I wanna do is get off to the idea of them fucking me, than that should be all it takes.
But it's not.
"Hey, Kuroko? Yeah, uh, would you like to meet up today, say in liiiike 20 minutes...? Hm, yeah Maji's is fine... God, Kuroko you're gonna get diabetes, vanilla milkshakes aren't even that good! Haha, okay, okay I take it back, they're liquid gold! I'll see you soon." I ended my phone call to Kuroko and put my cell phone along with my house keys and wallet inside my pocket as I make my way to my front door, put on my shoes and lock the door behind me. I realize that Kuroko didn't question why I wanted to meet up with him, accepting my request right away. I'm glad to have a friend like that, where there are no real conditions regarding why would hang out like with some of my past friends who would only come out as long as it concerned their interests.
When I get to Maji's I find that I'm fifteen minutes early as that Kuroko is already there, sipping his damn milkshake and staring at me as I make my way over to him. I can't help but scowl at him as I take a seat across from him in the booth he's seated at.
"Kuroko... where you already here?"
"Yes," he deadpans, going back to his drink as though it was traumatizing to be separated from it for the milliseconds it took to reply.
"Oookay, you could have told me that over the phone."
"What difference would it have made?" he asks, frowning when all he has left to suck up through his straw is air.
"Wellll, I figured you were home and that this would have been an easier place for both of us to meet up in, but since you were already out then you could have come to my house instead. What are you doing here alone anyway?" I ask him, just noticing that it's not typical of Kuroko to sit alone at a restaurant on a weekend. If I'm too tired to go after basketball practice he'll make a quick pit stop by himself and practice improving his observational skills for a bit."
"I was out walking Nigou and ran into Kise-kun. We walked him back to my home together and then made it back here to grab something to eat. He left right before you called me." Suddenly one of his eyebrows starts to quirk up and I curse my complexion for not being as dark as Aomine's and making it easier to see the damn blush taking over my entire face and neck, down to my chest. "Kagami-kun... are you okay? You've suddenly started turning red, is it an allergic reaction?"
"Oh god, I wish!" I cry out as I bury my face into my hands and hunch over the table in front of me. "I need to talk to you. About him—about Kise and the other jackasses."
"Is that why you're blushing?" he asks, and when I look up I can tell that it was sort of a rhetorical question because it's obvious that I am, he just can't figure out why I would be. "By the way, Kise-kun and the other jackasses sounds like a horrible name for a band."
"Yes," I answer exasperatedly, ignoring his comment, feeling as though I've already initiated this conversation a million times, which I have, just in my mind, imagining all the different scenarios that could take place.
He gets up and walks over to a trash can, throwing out the empty container of his drink. Looking back at me he says, "Well, I don't have to be home anytime soon, we can go to your house Kagami-kun."
I get up and following him out of the door, and we make it back to my house in record time, with Kuroko walking much faster than usual, probably eager after sensing that I have something important to tell him. After we get inside and make ourselves comfortable on the couch, I decide to lay it all out in the open.
"Okay, so I really don't know how to tell you this, but I decided I'm going to since you're my best friend and I honestly doubt with all of my being that you'll react the same way as a lot of the guys I know would, plus I really need some advice and I'm tired of harboring this secret." Looking at his face, he's as expressionless as ever, but when he leans closer in it gives me all the push to let it all out.
"I'm gay."
...
...
...
"Are you sure Kagami-kun?" he asks after gulping, his breath coming out a bit short.
"Y-yeah, I am. I've known for a couple of years now."
Suddenly it was my turn to raise a brow at him because HIS cheeks were growing red. He bit his lip and looked away from me to the side, and while he looks really cute like that (why didn't I notice that about him before?) I'm slightly worried.
"What's wrong? Is... Are you okay with that?" I ask, my voice coming out much lighter than either of both are used to, making him look back up at me quickly, frantically shaking his head.
"It's not that Kagami-kun. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. In fact, I'm gay too..." he replies, the last three words whispered.
Stunned, I stare at him with my eyes wide, not believing what he's just said. "Are... are you serious? S-since when?"
He gives me a tiny, almost shy smile in return as his cheeks glow even redder. "Since the fifth grade. I was infatuated with my friends Ogiwara-kun at the time."
"That's insane, I never expected you would be too, wait! Is that why you won't respond to any of Momoi's advances? I thought it was because you figured she and Aomine would be more suited for each other." I ask him, my words seeming to come out a mile a minute due to my excitement of the evenings revelations. I can't believe Kuroko, someone so close to me, would be gay too, and I'm surprised at how relieved I feel. I even let out a giggle.
Kuroko starts laughing and I can't tell if it's because of the question I asked him or because of my uncharacteristic laugh, but replies anyway, "Yes, it's because I'm not attracted to her. I've tried to turn her down gently without letting my true reasons be known, but because of that she still feels as though she has a chance. I don't want to completely refute her because if she starts asking why and I make up an excuse such as not having any time, I know that she will not believe me and get suspicious, considering we hang out so frequently after school. I don't know how she will react, but I want to avoid us being on bad terms."
"Have you ever told anyone else? You're the first person I've ever told," I confess, looking away when he looks at me in surprise, and then giving me a warm smile.
"The GoM know."
I swear, my brain is going to go into fucking shock, this is huge news! They know and they still treat Kuroko like they worship him, so that means they'll accept me too."Seriously, and they didn't care at all?" I ask, heart racing at the possibilities.
His face starts to lose some of its cheer as he hesitantly replies, "Well, they don't care now. But, back then they did. They didn't know how to act around me because none of them are interested in guys like us."
Oh, did I say my brain would go into shock? Sorry, I meant I'll have a heart attack because my pulse just stopped.
"W-what did you do?" I ask, voice hoarse.
"Honestly, I don't know how to deal with it," he replies softly. I was mortified because not only did they know I was gay, but they knew I was attracted to each of them at one point or another, and they made it clear to not make any moves on them." He looks away from me then, hugging his legs to his body.
"Oh my God, are you serious? I'm so sorry Kuroko, were you okay? Oh God I can't believe I'm going through the same thing as you!"
"Wait... "He looks back up at me, frowning. "Kagami-kun, you also...?" Sighing he plants his feet on the ground, stands up and looks down at me. "Why must it be them, I'm the one who likes you."
Aaaaaand I think my heart just exploded.
A/N: Honestly, I don't even know. I've been immersed in this KnB fandom for a little over a year now and have forgone sleep, studying, this that and the other in favor of reading and catching up with the manga and other KnB fics. I seriously love these characters, so I hope my crappy story doesn't depreciate them, lol. Let me know if I'm doing alright or if I should be working on a couple of things!