Title: Square One
Author: Atolia
Rating: T
Warnings: Angst. Some language. Spoilers for 4X04 "The Breakup"
Word Count: 546
Summary: It feels a little like screaming in glass box.
Back to square one. No matter how many steps Blaine took forward, he always wound up back here. Back to square one. Alone and trying to figure out how he kept making such a mess of his life. It was supposed to hurt less, being the one to leave first. Supposed to be better if he cheated first. It was inevitable really, Kurt finding some big city man who could share in his dreams, instead of Blaine back in Ohio over a phone. It was supposed to be better, leaving Kurt behind before he realized it. Because being left behind sucked.
"I want my senior year to be magical," Kurt had said. And Blaine finally gets it. Because he wants his senior year to be magical too. Except nothing about this year has been magical. Not sitting at the popular table, with the kids that reminded him far too strongly of Westerville East, laughing at the lunch lady who reminded him far too strongly of himself, left out and picked on. Not winning the tittle of "New Rachel" if it meant that Tina, Wade and Brittany still shot him looks of affronted looks every time he spoke for the group. Not winning Senior Class President, if the only thing he gets out of it are dozens of ignored calls to his (ex?) boyfriend. Not looking at the flyers hung up all over the school for the homecoming dance and realizing that he doesn't have a date. He's alone.
Fucking square one. Nothing about this year has been magical because there's no one here but him. Blaine isn't good with words; he never has been. He's always been too nerdy and awkward, too blunt, too angry, too Blaine. He hadn't meant to be clingy or needy, he had just needed some assurance that there was someone out there that would notice when he started slipping through the cracks. Instead, it felt a lot like screaming inside an empty glass box. Kurt had heard the music, but all he hadn't heard Blaine when he talked. He'd never heard Blaine when he talked.
Blaine didn't know when it had happened, but he had recognized the feeling Kurt had started giving him. It was the same way he felt around Cooper, the same way he sometimes felt watching the old members of New Directions interact. Like he couldn't get a word in. Like somehow the things he had to say weren't important. Like Kurt had had other things, more important things, to do than listen to his high school boyfriend talk about a place he was glad he left in the dust. Kurt had always been the one person Blaine could say anything to, the one person who had heard Blaine, from the very first day. And this new feeling, Blaine knows it means he's being left behind again.
It hadn't been about Sebastian. Hadn't even really been about Eli either. It was about Blaine, and about being heard. Being wanted somewhere, even if it was just for a few hours. It was about not being left behind. Because Blaine is tired of being left behind. It was supposed to be better this way, making the choice himself. And now Kurt's gone, and Blaine's back here.
At fucking square one.
A/N: Okay, I know everyone had a lot of reactions over last night's episode. I'm not going to discuss mine here. And actually, I'd rather you kept arguments with each other out of the reviews too. To clear things up, I'm not trying to defend Blaine's actions (I'm actually thinking of a companion piece with Kurt's feelings in it), I am simply exploring his mindset, so please don't flame me for that. Enjoy!