Chapter 1 ~ If Tits Be Here, Then Why So Woebegone?
The story I am about to tell you is not a larger-than-life adventure, nor is it an epic romance.
It's just me, and a boy. And another boy… and this other girl.
But that's not the point.
The point is that I'm the fool who fell totally, irrevocably tits over arse for Albus Potter.
Literally.
.........
Oh boy.
This is going to be a story to tell the Grandkids.
I could see it now. "Hey kids, gather around!" I'd yell cheerfully as I'd sit in my old rocking chair and knit a sweater (or some other fuzzy garment), "Who wants to hear about how your Grandma Sasha got stuck between a bunch of animal cages after she ran hysterically onto the Luggage Car on the Hogwarts Express after making a right fool out of herself in front of her dorm mate and the love of her adolescent life!"
Hmph. This is all Evelyn Davies's fault.
Well… technically it was mine. I mean, what kind of idiot runs through the big door that says "DO NOT ENTER" then sits down next to a bunch of heavy rattling cages on a unstable shelf? But I'd much rather choose not to do the right thing and blame someone else. Who cares about your morality when you could have instant gratification?
However, if I'm going to do this properly, I'm going to have to mention some other people attributing to my current quandary.
Let's see - I could blame my parents, for raising me to be such a bumbling moron. I suppose I could blame that stupid motion sickness potion that makes me so disorientated. I could blame the people who manage the Hogwarts Express for not putting a stabilizing charm on this storage compartment like they do to all the other compartments, causing these stupid cages to slide down and pin me in between to the wall.
But really, it all comes down to Evelyn Davies. What kind of horrible person makes out with your ex-boyfriend in front of you? Sure, maybe I dated Evan Cross for all of one week, and maybe I told Evelyn I was over him, but I was obviously lying.
Okay, so maybe it's not Evelyn's fault entirely. She doesn't know that Evan and I were best friends up until the beginning of fifth year.
She also doesn't know that in first year, he caught me after I fell off my broom- during our first Flying Lesson -after I had tried to show off. I was embarrassed and-being eleven- told him his hair was stupid. He didn't say anything, just stood there hurt, as if I had slapped him. That's when I decided I never wanted to see him frown again, and started to do(and say) stupid things to make him laugh. Unfortunately, doing and saying stupid things is now just part of my nature.
Evelyn probably doesn't remember that time in second year, we played a prank on Albus Potter after he threw a pile of exploding snap cards at me and singed off my eyebrows. We got kitchen duty for a week because of it, but we didn't care. The memory of Potter dressed up like a cherub (giant diaper and all) is worth a whole year of detentions.
Evelyn definitely doesn't know that in third year, we secretly smuggled a rather fat cat we'd found in Hogsmeade into the castle. We named him Winston and constantly argued over who got to take care of him for the week. Later, we discovered Winston was a Winstonia when she gave birth to kittens. Since then, there has been a prominent stray cat population in the surrounding area.
She simply doesn't understand the significance of that time in fourth year when I made the Ravenclaw Quidditch Team, whereas Evan had been on the Hufflepuff Team since second year. When Hufflepuff beat Ravenclaw, Evan slipped away from the celebratory party and swept me away from my dorm where I'd been sulking and brought me to the kitchens. When I returned back to Ravenclaw Tower, much past curfew with my face coated in brownie batter, a gigantic smile was plastered on my face.
And Evelyn certainly doesn't know that at the beginning of fifth year, I told Evan I wanted to be more than friends. Evan told me he felt the same way. We dated for about a week, and then Evan told me that this was a mistake; that he loved me like a sister. And me, being an utterly heartbroken and humiliated dolt, I told him I felt the same way. Now, that – that was a lie.
Needless to say, we avoided each other like the plague. When forced into confrontations, we made awkward small talk that usually ended with me saying something extremely uncomfortable ("You have really toned biceps" or the ever so suave ") and then us parting as quickly as we can. But this was sixth year. I'm supposed to return with a bang. I had finally acquired bosoms over the summer. Not large ones, mind you, but they were definitely there for a change. And this morning I had even applied some makeup my mum gave me for my twelfth birthday. It was really scary.
The lip gloss label said it was supposed strawberry flavored, so I tasted some. It did not taste like strawberries. More like turdberries. And don't even get me started on mascara. The little applicator wand is out for my pupils, I tell you.
Upon arriving at the station, I searched high and low for Evan so I could somehow seduce him with my now existing boobs and glossy turdberry lips (I hadn't really planned the whole seduction part yet, and I'm sure it wouldn't have gone over well anyway seeing as I am wearing Power Ranger knickers). But I didn't find him on the platform, and I didn't find him in the train corridor. He wasn't in the compartment we usually share, and he wasn't even with Hufflepuff friends.
Evan was too busy talking brightly with my dorm mate Evelyn Davies in a dim compartment towards the back. I burst in to say hello, but neither of them seemed amused. Of course, brilliant me didn't realize what was going on. Here I was, talking animatedly about my summer break, oblivious that they were practically shagging each other with their eyes.
No, brilliant me only realized what was going on when they started snogging midway through my description of my trip to the states to see my mother. I can still hear my voice reverberating in my ears as I got up and said, "Er… okay. You guys just – um – have fun with that," before fleeing like a bat into this smelly pet compartment, crying over the stupid boy who dumped me and wishing Evelyn Davies would move to Peru.
Evelyn Davies could have any guy in the entire school – but she had to choose Evan. My Evan.
Though it's not entirely strange that Evelyn would go after Evan. Over half the female population of Hogwarts fancies Evan Cross. He's tall and broad with a perfectly sculpted chin and dazzling smile. Evan is the type of guy who has this natural air about him that makes girls (and the occasional guy) swoon. But I was friends with Evan before I recognized that he was drop dead gorgeous, and much before Evelyn took and interest in him.
Still, I guess it's understandable that Evelyn and Evan are now a couple. They are both gorgeous, athletic people with immaculate grades. Even their names sound perfect together. Evan Cross and Evelyn Davies. Hmph.
The train goes over a bump, and my head goes flying into the shelf above me. Ow. Ow. Ow!
The pain snaps me out of my philosophical digress and towards the current problem. I am hopelessly stuck between two cages, and unable to get my wand because I can't move my bloody arms. No one is going to come in here until the train reaches the station. And I really have to pee.
Clutching my throbbing head, a rabbit cage in the shelves above seems to snigger in a disgusting little squeaky rabbit voice. I try and get up in hopes of throttling it, but it's no use. I highly dislike this whole being stuck thing.
In hopes of a distraction, I turn to the small snake in the huge cage that's pinning me to the wall. His name is Julius for the time being (well, I've need something to talk to, and I just feel silly conversing with someone devoid of a proper name)
I've always been fond of snakes, which is a tad odd now that I think about it. I'm Sasha Moss – Ravenclaw Extraordinaire. Us Ravenclaws are supposed to be fans of birds, but I don't care much for them. They stink and leave great quantities of feces and other secretions. Snakes are clever and soothing, and they possess pretty shiny scales.
The floor of Julius' cage is covered in newspaper, and I catch sight of something I think is a muggle horoscope page. I am beginning to grow bored, I've already named every animal in the room (except for the rabbit, it's not worthy of a name) and 73 of the floor tiles, and my birth sign is on here…
Okay. I'll read it. But it's just for kicks.
Leo
You go girl, this is the year you'll finally make him yours! As Venus leaves it's alignment with Mars and enters a new alignment with the moon, your going to experience the romance of a lifetime. It's all uphill from here, Leo-girl!
Surprisingly, I found myself laughing manically. My lack of requited love that the whole reason I'm hiding in this compartment. Then the laughter turned to tears – and crying takes an awful amount of energy.
I drift into a strange sleep, filled withimages of a girl and a boy walking away from me… slowly wading a vast body of water. I try to move, but I can't. So I just scream, but my words are garbled and mangled, and my voice is unrecognizable. It's almost as if the world was stopping and starting up again. The sky swirls in unearthly colors above me, and then air thickens around me until it's a viscous liquid, like syrup.
I woke up to the coolness of dusk, panting heavily. The world outside the train was beginning to darken and my skin itched for some fresh air. I took me a good eight minutes for me to realize that the cage has shifted enough for me to wriggle out from the shelves. But before I could even scream, "Freedom at last!" the train gave a loud screech and veered, sending me sprawling out onto the floor.
The shelves I used as a hide-out tipped, sending the poor caged animals crashing to the ground. A sickening crunch echoed in my ear as a heavy iron cage slammed into my wrist. Everything was happening terrifyingly fast.
I tried to lift myself up, but it was in vain. Staring at the ceiling, I tried to ignore the pain in my wrist, until a devilish squeak was heard from above me.
It was the rabbit, who was still teetering above my head on the tilting shelves. The only thing that was keeping it from falling was the weight of its great fat bottom on the opposite side of the cage. The rabbit glared at me with its malevolent red eyes before walking slowly towards the other side of the cage. I'm fairly sure this was a deliberate action.
"No bunny. Bad, bad bunny. Stop that right now!"
The glass cage went spiraling down towards my head, and everything went black.
Geesh, I haven't written any fics in a while. Please enjoy... this is sort of a tester. We will meet Albus in the next chapter =]]]
-Lacewings