Shades of Grey

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Fear

Noah remembers sitting on the floor, the faces of his friends staring back at him. They whispered to one another eagerly and he immediately regretted picking 'dare'.

"Ok, Noah. I dare you to kiss Josh!" Angela, an older girl, announced triumphantly. The other girls in the room giggled at the ingenuity of her challenge. The boys scoffed nervously at the implementation of new territory in their innocent game.

"What?" Noah managed to squeak out, unable to find any proper words.

"What are you afraid of?" Josh shrugged, playing casual. "It's just a kiss, it doesn't mean anything."

The group encouraged him, insistent and impatient. Noah was surprised at the quick turn of events, but he simply had no words left. And really, he would have much rather carried out the dare than face the wrath of the alternative if he chickened out.

So he just nodded dumbly in agreement.

He only remembers that Josh's skin was soft and that his lips were even softer.

And that he liked it.

That was what he had been afraid of.

Surprise

Luke's hands found their way around Noah's collar and he could feel his own breath hitch. They had both been swept up in the moment and Luke had not even noticed how close their faces were.

He wanted so badly to laugh it all off and turn away. He wanted to pretend that his heart wasn't racing at a hundred miles per minute. He wanted to let Noah go back to his father, back to Maddie.

That was what he was supposed to want.

Instead, he paused, looking up into Noah's eyes. Luke saw something he did not expect to see. It was much too late…

"What's wrong?" Luke asked tentatively, unsure that any answer would be good enough.

"Nothing." Noah whispered back and leaned in.

There was no room for thought as Noah's lips met his, fresh and comforting. Like a rush of cold air on a frigid winter morning.

Luke had never been left speechless in all of his life. Yet no words would ever begin to describe the miracle he had received.

Sadness

Noah wanted to crawl into a dark place and never return. He wanted to lock himself in a room and throw away the key. He wanted to float into the sky until he was too far off to reach. Any way to hide away from the world.

For the first time in his life he had decided to take a stand, to tell his father exactly what he felt and who he really was. It had been short, but he had been happy. Luke had been happy. Even his father had been happy, or so he had thought.

But Noah had only been naïve to his father's malice.

Now Luke was struggling in the hospital and he was the one to blame. All of his worst fears had been realized.

He had lost his father and his boyfriend all in one fell swoop. Everyone he had ever cared for. What was there left for him now?

Noah chose to cradle a bottle of vodka and close himself off from prying eyes. No one needed him now. And if he tried hard enough, maybe he wouldn't need them either.

Anger

Luke could feel the heat rising in his gut and the blood rushing through his ears. He had always considered himself to be level-headed and calm. He was Luke Snyder, after all, the fun-loving farm boy of Oakdale.

But he had never felt pain like this before. Sheer anguish. This man, Colonel Winston Mayer, had caused nothing but heartache for him. And for Noah.

Noah. Luke couldn't even begin to fathom the hardships Noah must have had to overcome having the Colonel as his father. Luke had never been so grateful of the acceptance and love that Holden had given him. But the Colonel had only beaten his son down again and again, twisting and manipulating.

As a new surge of fury rose, Luke revelled in it. His voice rose to levels louder than he had thought were possible. Luke was blinded by rage; he did not even register his own landmark feat of standing.

Only the words he spoke ("I love your son!") still rang in his mind, the courage he never realized he had.

It was the first and last time Luke would ever feel indebted to his own anger.

Disgust

Noah gripped Luke's hand tighter.

"You okay?" Luke asked, shooting his boyfriend a concerned look.

"Yeah, I just…" Noah's mind wandered before he sighed and gave in. "Those guys were talking about us."

Luke's voice turned serious. "Is this making you uncomfortable? Look, Noah, if you don't want to hold my hand –"

"No, Luke, that's not it. They just make me so…I can't believe anyone could ever be…" Noah gritted his teeth in loathing.

"You just wish everyone would leave us alone." Luke finished for him.

"Haven't we gone through enough?" Noah looked to Luke with pleading eyes.

Noah watched as Luke paused thoughtfully. "This isn't going to change, Noah. But maybe we can."

"What?"

Luke smiled up at him and Noah felt his heart flutter the way it always did. Luke wrapped an arm around Noah, giving the world a show.

"Unfortunately for us, there will always be bigots, but we don't have to let them get to us. We don't need to feed their hatred with our own."

"Luke…"

Luke's eyes softened. "I don't care what they think, and you don't need to either. All I really care about is you."

Noah felt a weight lift off of his shoulders as the advice sank in. He smiled back, bringing Luke's hand up to his lips. "I knew there was a reason why I love you."

Happiness

Luke marvelled at the gentle breeze that grazed his cheek and the lush grass that cushioned his body. But most importantly he could sense the man lying peacefully next to him.

"Noah?" He whispered.

"Yeah, Luke?"

Luke remained silent, unsure of what he wanted to say. Nothing would do his feelings justice. So he simply took Noah's hand in his own and let the warmth emanate through them.

Noah grinned and placed a kiss on Luke's forehead. "I love you."

Luke looked into his boyfriend's crystalline eyes, surprised to hear the declaration come from Noah's mouth, unprompted.

Luke grinned back. "I love you too."

And that was all it took. Knowing that he finally belonged somewhere made Luke feel everything else fade away. He snuggled closer to Noah and sighed.

"You're unusually quiet, Snyder." Noah winked at him.

Luke laughed but remained silent. He finally understood.

Things would change (they always did…) and their lives would shift once again, but for the time being they had this moment. They had the strength to see each day through, and most important of all, they had each other.

They didn't need anything else.