"Sir...this doesn't need to leave the room."
"And we're ok with that?" I nodded whilst inside I was screaming 'No I'm not ok with that - I have no choice but to be ok with that!' That was the beginning of the end for me. Then we got stuck in that whole damn looping deal. A few times I caught him smiling at me, a far away look in his eyes. I got up from my chair and looked around the lab.
"To hell with it!" I grabbed my jacket and walked out of the room. I pulled on my coat as I walked quickly through the base.
"Sam?" Daniel rounded the corner and stopped upon seeing the look on my face. "Are you ok?" His eyes showed the concern he felt, and I stopped reluctantly.
I forced a smile onto my face and avoided eye contact. "I'm fine - have you seen the Colonel anywhere?"
I could see Daniel out of the corner of my eye, trying to maneuver himself into a position where he could see my eyes. 'Not now Daniel - please, let it go' I thought
"Um...he went home. Sam - are you sure you're ok?" I met his gaze at last, using all my concentration to hide my feelings.
"Daniel I'm fine. Really." I turned away from him. "See you tomorrow."
"Night Sam."
*-*
I pulled up outside his house. Switching off the engine, I sat there for a moment and composed myself. I had to do this. I needed to do this. It was all very well saying we'd leave it in the room, but we lived in each others pockets almost 24/7. It had been hard to ignore my feelings before. Having to admit them to him, infront of Anise, Janet and Teal'c, just made it harder. 'I would rather die myself, than lose Carter.' I remembered his words and the way they made me feel. I was overjoyed and sad at the same time. I reached for the car door and stepped out.
"Leave it in the room, what was I thinking?" I muttered to myself. I started to walk up the path. But I knew exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking of him. He'd been forced into admitting his feelings, something he would never have done otherwise. I mean, he showed it in other ways. He'd been prepared to die to save me. He'd told them that much, when he agreed to try the procedure. But they understood that, he was my CO, he was the leader of the team. He risked his life everytime we went through the gate and would gladly sacrifice himself in order to save any one of us. That was understood by all who worked at the SGC. 'Because I care for her...a lot more than I'm supposed to.' Those words could never be understood by many at the SGC. They went against every rule and regulation in the book.
I stopped at the front door, hand raised to knock. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by the need to run. I shouldn't be doing this. I should just accept what was said and leave. I knocked on the door. But then - it would never be over would it. It would never be discussed. And it would never leave me alone.
The door opened. "Carter?" His eyes searched mine, trying to judge what mood I was in. He had learnt the hard way, that he should always check this before engaging in a conversation with me. "What can I do for you?"
Direct approach Sam. Keep it simple, clear and precise. Make it personal. "I need to talk to you Jack."
He head snapped up at the mention of his name. His eyes registered that fact that I had used it and his brain probably informed him of the likely topic of conversation. "Well...you'd better come in then....Sam"
He held open the door and I walked into the cool interior of his house. He shut the door behind me and followed me into the front room. I sat down on one of the chairs and waited for him to take a seat.
I stared down at my hands, fiddling with a loose piece of cotton my jeans.
"Carter?" I looked up at him, trying to decided if I'd picked up on the meaning of what he had just said. He was trying to keep it official. He looked uncomfortable.
"Permission to speak freely sir."
He let out a long sigh and leaned back into the couch. He stared at me with those big, brown eyes. "Granted."
"I can't leave it in the room. I thought I was ok with it - but I'm not." I watched his face, waiting for some type of reaction. A smile tugged at one side of his mouth. "What?" I asked.
"Cart...Sam. Some things should just be left the hell alone."
"And this isn't one of them. Sir - if that whole Zartarc incident hadn't happened, then maybe things would be ok. I can't forget what was said in that room. Before that - I could cope. I never knew for sure how strong your feelings were so I had nothing to base any assumptions on. But that security is gone now. It's all out in the open. Janet knows. Teal'c knows. And more importantly, I know. I've lived with this for a long time now...and I need closure."
He leant forward and placed his hands in his lap. "What do you mean closure?"
"I need...I need to know what happens next. I need to know if anything is ever going to become of this. And I don't mean right now, or even the immediate future. I need to know if this is worth hanging on to or would it just be easier for me to bury it."
I stopped and looked at him. We were so close and yet so far apart, in so many ways. The love I felt for him was so strong. It had been bottled up for too long. It had been ignored for too long. I hadn't counted on anyone else coming and opening the damn bottle!
"Sam...." He put his head in his hands and raked his fingers through his hair. "...you know how I feel about you. I love you. And I want to be with you. But too much is at stake here. Believe me when I say that if Earth wasn't in such a dire situation, the rules and regulations wouldn't stop me. But we are a team, a damn good team. I need that team, the SGC needs that team." He looked up at me. "If we took this further that team would be affected. I can't let that happen - no matter how much I want it to."
I let my eyes gaze into his. His emotions were right there, for all to see. "So you're saying that maybe, one day, things could be different?"
He stood up and knelt infront of me, cupping my face with his hands. "Very different." He smiled. "But I need you to be Carter for now. I need you to be my colleague and friend. I promise you, that when the time is right - nothing will stop me from being with you."
A tear formed in my eye and ran down my cheek. He gently brushed it away with one finger.
"Can you do that Sam?" I nodded. He leant forward and kissed me. As he pulled away a wicked glint entered his eye. "Just had to do that - so you remember it this time!"
"And we're ok with that?" I nodded whilst inside I was screaming 'No I'm not ok with that - I have no choice but to be ok with that!' That was the beginning of the end for me. Then we got stuck in that whole damn looping deal. A few times I caught him smiling at me, a far away look in his eyes. I got up from my chair and looked around the lab.
"To hell with it!" I grabbed my jacket and walked out of the room. I pulled on my coat as I walked quickly through the base.
"Sam?" Daniel rounded the corner and stopped upon seeing the look on my face. "Are you ok?" His eyes showed the concern he felt, and I stopped reluctantly.
I forced a smile onto my face and avoided eye contact. "I'm fine - have you seen the Colonel anywhere?"
I could see Daniel out of the corner of my eye, trying to maneuver himself into a position where he could see my eyes. 'Not now Daniel - please, let it go' I thought
"Um...he went home. Sam - are you sure you're ok?" I met his gaze at last, using all my concentration to hide my feelings.
"Daniel I'm fine. Really." I turned away from him. "See you tomorrow."
"Night Sam."
*-*
I pulled up outside his house. Switching off the engine, I sat there for a moment and composed myself. I had to do this. I needed to do this. It was all very well saying we'd leave it in the room, but we lived in each others pockets almost 24/7. It had been hard to ignore my feelings before. Having to admit them to him, infront of Anise, Janet and Teal'c, just made it harder. 'I would rather die myself, than lose Carter.' I remembered his words and the way they made me feel. I was overjoyed and sad at the same time. I reached for the car door and stepped out.
"Leave it in the room, what was I thinking?" I muttered to myself. I started to walk up the path. But I knew exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking of him. He'd been forced into admitting his feelings, something he would never have done otherwise. I mean, he showed it in other ways. He'd been prepared to die to save me. He'd told them that much, when he agreed to try the procedure. But they understood that, he was my CO, he was the leader of the team. He risked his life everytime we went through the gate and would gladly sacrifice himself in order to save any one of us. That was understood by all who worked at the SGC. 'Because I care for her...a lot more than I'm supposed to.' Those words could never be understood by many at the SGC. They went against every rule and regulation in the book.
I stopped at the front door, hand raised to knock. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by the need to run. I shouldn't be doing this. I should just accept what was said and leave. I knocked on the door. But then - it would never be over would it. It would never be discussed. And it would never leave me alone.
The door opened. "Carter?" His eyes searched mine, trying to judge what mood I was in. He had learnt the hard way, that he should always check this before engaging in a conversation with me. "What can I do for you?"
Direct approach Sam. Keep it simple, clear and precise. Make it personal. "I need to talk to you Jack."
He head snapped up at the mention of his name. His eyes registered that fact that I had used it and his brain probably informed him of the likely topic of conversation. "Well...you'd better come in then....Sam"
He held open the door and I walked into the cool interior of his house. He shut the door behind me and followed me into the front room. I sat down on one of the chairs and waited for him to take a seat.
I stared down at my hands, fiddling with a loose piece of cotton my jeans.
"Carter?" I looked up at him, trying to decided if I'd picked up on the meaning of what he had just said. He was trying to keep it official. He looked uncomfortable.
"Permission to speak freely sir."
He let out a long sigh and leaned back into the couch. He stared at me with those big, brown eyes. "Granted."
"I can't leave it in the room. I thought I was ok with it - but I'm not." I watched his face, waiting for some type of reaction. A smile tugged at one side of his mouth. "What?" I asked.
"Cart...Sam. Some things should just be left the hell alone."
"And this isn't one of them. Sir - if that whole Zartarc incident hadn't happened, then maybe things would be ok. I can't forget what was said in that room. Before that - I could cope. I never knew for sure how strong your feelings were so I had nothing to base any assumptions on. But that security is gone now. It's all out in the open. Janet knows. Teal'c knows. And more importantly, I know. I've lived with this for a long time now...and I need closure."
He leant forward and placed his hands in his lap. "What do you mean closure?"
"I need...I need to know what happens next. I need to know if anything is ever going to become of this. And I don't mean right now, or even the immediate future. I need to know if this is worth hanging on to or would it just be easier for me to bury it."
I stopped and looked at him. We were so close and yet so far apart, in so many ways. The love I felt for him was so strong. It had been bottled up for too long. It had been ignored for too long. I hadn't counted on anyone else coming and opening the damn bottle!
"Sam...." He put his head in his hands and raked his fingers through his hair. "...you know how I feel about you. I love you. And I want to be with you. But too much is at stake here. Believe me when I say that if Earth wasn't in such a dire situation, the rules and regulations wouldn't stop me. But we are a team, a damn good team. I need that team, the SGC needs that team." He looked up at me. "If we took this further that team would be affected. I can't let that happen - no matter how much I want it to."
I let my eyes gaze into his. His emotions were right there, for all to see. "So you're saying that maybe, one day, things could be different?"
He stood up and knelt infront of me, cupping my face with his hands. "Very different." He smiled. "But I need you to be Carter for now. I need you to be my colleague and friend. I promise you, that when the time is right - nothing will stop me from being with you."
A tear formed in my eye and ran down my cheek. He gently brushed it away with one finger.
"Can you do that Sam?" I nodded. He leant forward and kissed me. As he pulled away a wicked glint entered his eye. "Just had to do that - so you remember it this time!"