If I owned Twilight, there would have been more of a plot. If I owned Mass Effect, the ending to ME3 would never had needed the Extended Cut DLC. That each of those aren't true says a lot, doesn't it? What? You need it in plain english? Fine

I don't own Twilight or Mass Effect. I'm just a kid who pretends he can write. Yes, I'm a dude. Don't lynch me, please?

July 21, 2157

Jennifer Shepard was not having a good day.

The day had started normally enough. She had been woken up by her sister in all but blood, Renesmee Cullen, and her husband Jacob. Though the rest of the family joked that Jake always stank, Shepard and Renesmee didn't see what the fuss was about. By the time Renesmee had stopped bouncing, Shepard had remembered what day it was.

Her 100th birthday.

Groaning, Jenny got out of one of the only two beds used for sleeping in the house. Her skin glistening slightly as she was hit by a beam of sunlight, she walked to her dresser and pulled out some simple jeans and a t-shirt.

When she got downstairs and into the kitchen, Shepard saw that her aunt had made her a not-insubstantial cake. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she turned to said aunt. "Bella, we've been over this before. I don't need a cake, especially since me, Nessie, and Jake are the only three who can eat it. And get out of the sun, you're blinding me,"

Bella laughed. "Oh just eat it. I used to be the same way when I was human. Are you really gonna just let Jake eat it?"

Shepard snorted. "Oh I'm sure he'll suffer so much from your cake. Just give it to the pack. You're the only one on the planet who can get them to eat food that was cooked by a vampire. They even turn away Esme's. Well, everyone except Seth."

Just then, the air was filled with the roar of a frigate. "Hmm. Must be the Thermopylae. I didn't think Hannah was going to be back yet," Bella said. "Wonder why they're back so early?"

Shepard was puzzled. There was something off about the sound of the engines. Then she realized. "Bella, get the medi-gel. The ship is limping in, without the rest of its exploratory fleet. Let's just hope my mom is okay, we don't have any more of the medi-gel that's keyed to her."

Just then, Alice flitted into the room. "Jenny, don't worry about your mom. She's fine. But she and the fleet she was part of were attacked when they were attempting to open up a new relay. I don't know who it was, but- oh no,"

"What? Oh crap. They're coming here, to Shanxi, aren't they?"

Alice bobbed her head. "Yeah. If we don't tell General Williams-"

"We're all just royally screwed," Shepard finished. "I'll go talk to him. It helps that I get along so well with his son"

10 minutes and an appropriately fast skycar ride later, Shepard stepped into General Williams' office. "General," she started.

"Ah, Shepard. To what do I owe the pleasure?" He replied, jovial as he always was to those outside his command.

"It's about the Thermopylae, and why it came back damaged. You know about the subset of humanity, right? The vampires?"

"Of course. Hard not to when most grocery stores back on Earth have some stock of blood near the meats."

"Yeah, there just might be a very large coven of vampires living here on Shanxi. In my house. And they might just happen to be my family." Shepard let it all out, a little embarrassed.

Williams looked more confused than anything. "So, you're telling me that there's a family of vampires here on Shanxi, and that you live with them? And you're still alive?"

Shepard nodded. " I'm a... special case. Anyway, some of the family have a few extra abilities. My aunt Bella has a mental shield that she can extend out to help other people, which is the only way anyone in the house can get any privacy of thought in my house. Anyway, my other aunt can see glimpses of the future, especially when someone makes a decision. So when the captain of the Thermopylae decided to limp back here, Alice saw that the aliens who attacked the exploratory fleet would follow the ship here to Shanxi."

By the end, Williams looked shocked, though he was taking it much better than Shepard thought he would have. "So you're telling me that your aunt saw an alien invasion coming here. How am I going to explain that to Alliance HighCom?"

Shepard just smiled faintly. "Tell them that Alice Cullen made the prediction. That oughta convince them."

Williams looked confused for a second, then paled. "Not the Alice Cullen? I thought she was still on Earth. You have a very interesting family, don't you Shepard? All right. I'll call HighCom and start prepping. You get your family ready."

Shepard nodded. "I should be able to convince Bella and Edward to help set up the emergency hospital in the basement. If you need a place to hole up, you can use our house. God knows we have the space."

Five hours and one alien attack later, Shepard was thanking her very lucky stars that Alice had the foresight to install the shutters and barrier generators on the house. Half vampires weren't immune to mass accelerators, and even full vamps had trouble resisting them for more than a few minutes. Those reinforced shutters were the only thing keeping Renesmee, her, and the contingent of marines that came here alive currently. Edward had managed to pull an understanding of the alien's language from their minds, and was coordinating with the marines to help them hold the house. The civilians had been evacuated from the city with minutes to spare, and most of the garrison was with them in an easily defensible bunker. Williams and his best soldiers had come here, drawing many of the enemies off from attacking the bulk of the civilians.

Suddenly, a burst of orange whizzed into the barrier. "Incendiaries. Now they're just cheating," Shepard sighed. Now everyone had to keep their heads down, limiting their effectiveness even more. She was using the pistol of one of the fallen marines, and was surprisingly good with it for her first time. She really preferred rifles. Heh, maybe after this mess is over, you should enlist, Shep, follow in mom's footsteps, as it were. Nessie's gonna flip. Suddenly, Shepard had an idea. "Williams! Get Edward and Nessie! If I'm right, we might be able to get them to negotiate! Just get them to stop firing!

Williams grimaced. "That'll be a trick. We gotta capture their leader. Maybe that'll at least let us talk with him. It's a long shot, but at least it's a plan. Masssani! Help them figure out where the leader is. Look for anything, different armor, a stronger rifle, hell, look for someone shouting. We need to end this fight, and we need to end it now."

When Zaeed had dashed off, Williams turned back to Shepard."I hope your sister can pull some crazy shit. This doesn't work, we're all screwed."

"Don't worry. Nessie has some real talent for explaining, even to people who can't understand speech. I don't know why she isn't a diplomat. She and Edward would be great at that sort of thing."

Just then, Renesmee ran into the room. "Jenny, get to the roof. There's a grenade launcher up there, and some crates of ammo for it. Doesn't matter who you hit, just fire into center masses. Maybe you can get them to stop long enough for your little plan to work."

Jennifer was confused."Why me? Wouldn't one of the marines be more qualified to handle one of those?

Nessie shook her head. "Most of the remaining marines are pinned down and can't get to our roof stairs from where they are. You're the only one we can afford to send to the roof who can shoot at all.

Shepard nodded. "Sure, sure. Though a few hours experimenting with a sidearm and a sniper only sorta counts. Hey, Nessie. Just in case I don't come back. Thanks for an awesome 100 years."

"Oh, don't talk like that. We both know you're coming back. Just don't shoot yourself in the foot, okay? Even we can't survive a direct hit from a rocket," Renesmee joked. Shepard had to chuckle.

"Yeah, we can't. Though with Murphy's law, they can," Shepard said. "I'll see you once this thing is over." Turning, Shepard shot up to the roof, narrowly missing a bullet that was aimed for her head. Arriving in the nest on the roof, Shepard grabbed the grenade launcher and set it on the railing. By the time the aliens had figured out that the RPGs were coming from the roof of the building, most of the front ranks had been hit at least once. All too soon, Shepard ran out of grenades. Throwing down the now empty launcher, she opened one of the crates that she kept up there. Inside was something that had taken hours of wheedling, thousands of dollars, and innumerable stacks of paperwork. It was a military-grade Avenger III sniper rifle modified with a larger heat sink, a longer barrel, and a tungsten ammo block. The rifle was strong enough to kill a vampire in three shots, though she had never done more than practice with it. The noise tended to piss off most of the family. Shepard activated the rifle and set it on her shoulder. As she aimed, she caught sight of an alien in particular ornate armor. As soon as she really thought about it, the alien was tackled by the blur that was Edward, as she had intended. Shepard began sniping the soldiers around Edward to make sure that they didn't overwhelm him before he could escape. She managed to hold them off long enough for Edward to drag the alien commander inside. She just hoped that he would be open to talking.

Alright, if you made it down here, thank you for reading. I know the universes don't mesh, but I just had the idea for it and it wouldn't go away, as much as my sister and I tried. Yes, I'm a dude. Yes, I was okay (hear that? Just okay with them) with Twilight. I'm sorry to the people who have followed me as an author, but I was having trouble writing Time Warp. For flamers, I have two quotes for you.

"Switching to combat mode. Prejudice, set to maximum"

Points if you know who said that without a wiki.