One Last Game

Akira stared at the ground, elbows resting on his laps, as he entwined his fingers together, clenching and unclenching periodically. He breathed in slowly – in, out, in, out. His back ached but he made no move to shift or change his position. Numerous people, many unknown, bustled before him and past him, but he barely noticed them. He had too many emotions overflowing within him – sorrow, rage, loneliness, fear and overwhelming emptiness, that he did not know which to latch on to, to feel.

There was a sudden gust of wind, cold and biting, and he shivered. The sky was dark, the sun covered by grey clouds heavy with rain. It was an appropriate weather, he mused, for an occasion like this. After all, he was at a funeral.

The funeral of Shindo Hikaru.

How many years has it been since he had last seen Hikaru? 10, 20 years? Maybe more. But now, he never will see him ever again. His last memory of Hikaru was at the airport, where Hikaru was immigrating to America. But he had promised that he would return.

"Hikaru you liar…" He murmured beneath his breath as tears threatened to fall.

Now, he could barely remember how Hikaru looked like. Frequent phone calls became occasional emails, then New Year cards… and then none. Only the vague memory of bleach bangs, bright yellow shirts and a loud voice would surface at times when he tried to recall but now, with his memory failing him, it was a wonder that he could even remember Hikaru at all…

No. Even if many more decades pass by or when the image of Hikaru completely slips from his mind, even when he could no longer remember all the games they had played, he would never forget Hikaru.

He breathed in deeply and with a trembling hand, reached up to wipe away the tears that were gathering at the corner of his eyes. Only Hikaru… only Hikaru was capable of bringing about such emotions from him even after so many years.

"Excuse me…" He looked up. There was a lady before him, probably in her mid thirties, holding the hand of a girl. Her eyes were blood shot and her nose was red as she spoke shakily and hesitantly in slightly accented Japanese that would have been flawless otherwise. "Are you… Mr Touya Akira?"

She had been crying. A lot. Akira noted as he nodded to her question. But he did not speak; for he felt to weary to even open his mouth. She attempted a weak smile before reaching into pocket and taking out a folded piece of paper. Passing it to him, she then took a seat by his side and sat the girl on her lap, trying to entertain her as quietly as possible.

Looking down at the paper, he unfolded it gingerly. It was a letter… he furrowed his brows.

Dear Akira

If you're reading this letter now, it means that you came to my funeral so… thanks for that, I guess. After not contacting you for so long, I must seem like a jerk for inviting you to my funeral.

The letter crumpled a little in his hands as his fingers tightened slightly. A letter from Hikaru?

I had told you before that I would tell you about Sai, and you said you'd wait till I was ready. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you in person. Frankly, I thought I would never tell you. I thought that I would bring the secret of Sai to my grave. But now, on my deathbed, I want you to know.

You may not believe me, but Sai was a spirit. A ghost who had possessed me when I was 12, and was the one you had first played when we met at your father's go salon. His name was Fujiwara no Sai and he was a go tutor for the emperor in the Heian era. But because of the jealously of the other go tutor, he was banished from the courts, banned from playing go and erased from the records.

He drowned himself in misery and yet in the last moments of his life prayed to God for a second chance. He wanted so badly to attain the hand of God. God answered and his spirit was locked in a goban for hundreds of years till a boy discovered it. A boy by the name of Torajirou.

I think you understand now, why Sai's style seemed so much like Shusaku. Torajirou had played in the stead of Sai for the rest of his life until he died of cholera. And Sai was once again locked in the goban… till I found it.

I didn't care much for Sai initially. But you know the saying; you'll never know how much you cherish something until it's gone? I lost all motivation to play go when Sai disappeared. Have you ever wondered why I stopped playing go back then? It was because I thought I was not supposed to play anymore. Because it was my fault that Sai disappeared. Because I was selfish and didn't allow Sai to play go. And all of you… you wanted Sai more, Touya-sensei wanted Sai more, Ogata, the go world…

And then, Isumi made me play against him and I saw Sai again. Saw him in my go. That's why I played again. But it's funny how I ultimately forgot Sai – how he looked, how he behaved, till recently. He slipped further and further away from me the more I played go. My go changed. I changed. I no longer played for him. I played for you.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. The one who had passed you the letter; she's my daughter, Akane.

My parents knew. That was the reason why my father accepted the job offer in America. They thought if they separated us, I would forget you and get settled down with someone else, preferably someone who could bear them grandchildren. They want a grandchild they can coddle and a nice daughter-in-law.

I can't disappoint them. I can't tell them that I want to go back to Japan. To you. So I got married to Samantha, my wife and had Akane.

I don't love her. And she knows that. But even if I don't love her, she is still my wife. So, I had decided not to contact you anymore. I didn't allow myself to go back to Japan. I didn't allow myself to see you.

I love you. I love you so much. But I hope you have moved on, stopped waiting for me and got a wife, a lover, someone not as hopeless as me.

I love you.

Hikaru.

The letter crumpled in his hands as tears started flowing freely down his cheeks. His shoulders shook with his sobs and his breath hitched as he cried quietly. If Hikaru could not stop loving him after so many years, what made him any different? How could Hikaru even think that he could move on?

"Mr Touya?" Akane said, concerned. The girl in her lap had long since ran off to man who stood close by, probably her father.

"How did he die?" He croaked, staring into her grass green eyes that reminded him so much of Hikaru's. How could he have not noticed the similarities between them before? Her eyes, nose, facial structure…

Startled at his question for a moment, Akane replied softly, "It was cancer." Akira closed his eyes and turned away sharply, hands clenching even tighter, further crushing the letter.

"My father told me a lot about you. He told me how the two of you first met, how you began rivals, and… then became lovers." Akira stiffened slightly. "Mom and I, we both knew that he didn't love her. He had always loved you. Even in the last moments of his death, he had wished that he would be able to play a final game against you. Wished that he could see you one last time."

"Then why?" He questioned, his voice hoarse. Akane shook her head. Not even she knew of her father's reasons.

Chuckling mournfully, he rose from his seat and approached the coffin that housed the body of the man he loved. No, still loves.

He withdrew an old portable goban that was almost falling apart from his pocket. It was given to him decades back by Hikaru. He could still vaguely remember the scent of the cherry blossoms as they played beneath the sakura trees, using the portable goban as it was too heavy to carry anything else. Carefully, he rested it on Hikaru's chest.

Placing a black stone onto the board, he stuffed a white one into Hikaru's cold hand. "It's your turn now, Hikaru."

Happy birthday, HappytheExcited!

Lol I can't believe I wrote this as a birthday gift! But I wanted to write about the time when Hikaru finally tells Akira about Sai and originally, it was set when they are in their thirties or something. But then I felt that it was wrong. Don't know why but I felt it was weird for Hikaru to just tell Akira you know?

Then it became, why don't he tells Akira when he's dying? But that felt a little odd too? SO somehow, it developed into this.

For those who can't tell, basically, Hikaru and Akira were in a relationship. But then Hikaru's parents found out and didn't want them to be together, so they immigrated to America to separate them. But they still kept in contact through phone calls and whatnot. Then, as Hikaru did not want to disappoint his parents, he married Samantha and had Akane. As he did not want to be unfaithful to Samantha although he does not love her (he feels that he owes her that much for marrying him although she knew he did not love him), he stopped contacting Akira.

Now, decades later, Akane 'invited' Akira to Hikaru's funeral and passed him the letter Hikaru wrote before his passing that explains everything including Sai, the immigration and his marriage. As per Hikaru's final wish of playing a last game with Akira, Akira fulfils by placing a stone on the board and 'waiting' for Hikaru's next move.