There will be slash, as you can probably tell, and a messy love triangle. And angst. And violence. And Michelle-bell is the only reason I posted this thing up instead of burying it in shame. She is incredibly sweet and supportive and an amazing writer - definitely check her stories out if you have the time (and maybe even if you don't).
Critiques/Questions/stopwritingplz; it's all good.
chapter 1: crooked boys from the edge of town
On Friday, Axel asks, "Wanna start a band?"
Roxas sits up and stares at him like he is a slightly retarded but still lovable puppy. The television in the background flashes a trailer for a new summer blockbuster and Axel wonders if he should turn up the volume and pretend like he's really interested even though the preview is for little girls and has unicorns and shit. He decides against it because he doesn't think his manhood could survive intact, and he sort of needs that if he wants to get a date.
And Roxas is still staring.
Axel starts to feel a little bit like a bug stuck in petrified amber when Roxas finally blinks and says slowly, "You don't play an instrument." He doesn't sound mad about it, though. Maybe even a little amused by Axel's so-called stupidity (It's actually brilliance in disguise, but he doesn't expect people to get that.)
Axel bites back a sigh of relief and collapses bonelessly into the sofa. Step one, complete. Roxas has always known exactly where the cracks in his armor are located and he's glad that Roxas isn't tearing through them and throwing his plans into the mud before they even have a chance to get off the ground. Not that Roxas would do it on purpose, but still.
"I know that," Axel says, grinning easily and stretching his legs out across the carpet. "But I'm going to start learning the bass guitar next week. Demyx is teaching me and I'm baby-sitting his little sister so I don't need to pay him back or anything. He trusts me enough to look after little kids, which is pretty cool, right?" He doesn't wait for a confirmation before plowing on hastily. "You used to sing, so I thought it might be a good idea. People will get to worship your sexy voice and how cool would that be?"
"Not very. And I used to sing." Roxas sighs and drags a hand through his dark blond hair, which is getting kind of long but Axel likes it too much to tell him to get a haircut. "That means I don't actually do it anymore."
"But you did," he insists. "You were fucking awesome." And as soon as the words are out of his mouth, he knows he's made a huge mistake.
Roxas withdraws into himself and offers up a blank mask with dull blue eyes that could probably pass as his best friend to anyone else looking, but it just makes Axel want to punch himself in the face.
"Well, thanks. I guess." Roxas looks down at his hands. "I stopped though. After -"
"It's okay," Axel says quickly. "I get it."
He hates himself for stepping on a landmine which he should have seen from a million miles away. He is supposed to keep Roxas away from thoughts of his dead mother, if only because nobody else will even try. Roxas's dad is kind of a dick. A really unapproachable dick with too much work to do to even notice his son. Axel hasn't seen them speak more than five words to each other since the accident and he hates that nobody notices.
Roxas says, unexpectedly, "I'll play the guitar, though. If you want to start a band." His eyes are glued to the screen but Axel hears the unheard 'for you' tacked on at the end and his throat seizes up.
"Okay," he says, hoarsely, and Roxas doesn't make fun of his voice for cracking. "That'll be really cool."
The TV blares a horrible cheesy soundtrack and two twig-people kiss passionately onscreen. Roxas snorts but Axel doesn't notice as his mind is too busy going over Roxas's expression and words, rewinding and hitting pause and trying to figure out if he just fucked up in any major way.
He honestly can't tell anymore and that frightens him.
He tries not to flinch when Roxas turns to look him straight in the eye and asks, "Are you serious about the whole band idea?" The television light illuminates half of his pale face so it flashes blue, black, blue in the dark room. Roxas looks like a strange kind of ghost story and it's sort of nice.
Axel nods once, sharply, dispelling the thought.
"Okay," Roxas says. He turns back to the television screen and smirks as the camera pans to a sobbing actress, her hands clutched around a swollen belly.
"It's her brother's," Axel says absently. He is trying not to stare at the way Roxas's knee keeps brushing against his every time he shifts a little.
Roxas laughs. "That's kind of sick."
He rests his head on Axel's shoulder and they watch a man in a ski mask beat the crap out of a pregnant lady. Axel thinks it really shouldn't feel so romantic, but whatever. It does.
!
A few weeks later and Axel is plucking out a clumsy melody line in his garage. Roxas watches, smiling, from the other end of the ancient sofa shoved up agaisnt one gray wall.
"Good," Roxas says. He picks up his own scratched and worn guitar from the ground and positions it on his lap, strumming out a couple of pretty chords and letting the sound ring out across the empty garage. It took three hours to clean but Axel figures it was totally worth it. They now have a place to practice, or just hang out if the whole band idea falls through (it probably will).
Axel grins. "Shit," he says, watching Roxas fool around on his guitar like he's never put it down in the first place, like the past year meant nothing to the muscles in his fingers. "You really haven't forgotten how to play, huh?"
Roxas doesn't say anything, but he ducks his head and concentrates on weaving an intricate wave of sound around a familiar handful of notes, his fingers moving over the strings so fast that Axel has to wonder why they aren't flying off.
He doesn't realize he's staring until Roxas says, "What?" and glances up at him from beneath his bangs. His hand covers the quivering strings quickly, cutting off the sound. Roxas suddenly looking unsure of himself and Axel is itching to wipe the expression off of his face and never see it again, only that's impossible, so he'll have to settle for fumbling with words and hoping that they'll make things okay.
"Don't," he says. "Uh. Don't stop playing. I love that song?"
Roxas looks at him and Axel can't read anything in his blank face, which is not all that surprising even after all these years. He should be better at helping his best friend than this, he thinks. He needs to be better.
"What do you want to hear?" Roxas is carefully placing his fingers back on the strings and Axel grins despite himself. It isn't often that Roxas complies. He sets his own guitar aside and this is the least he can do. It's what he's always done.
"Anything."
He sits back to listen.
!
The next morning, Axel's stepbrother wakes him up with a pillow to the face.
Axel lashes out and his foot connects with a bony rib because the boy is predictable like that and always attacks from the left. "Ow! That fucking hurt!" He smirks against the fabric of his pillowcase when he hears somebody land on the floor with a heavy thump.
"Axel! Stop wasting time and get ready for school!" his father calls from the kitchen impatiently. It's his turn to drive them to school, Axel remembers with a slight frown. He must have been too noisy since he can usually get away with knocking Riku flat on his ass in the morning.
"Shit, did you have to do that?" Riku grumbles, sitting up on the floor and rubbing his back. He's dressed already and must have gotten up extra early to ambush Axel.
What a freak.
"Then stop trying to smother me in my sleep. Hey, how old are you supposed to be anyways? Six?"
Riku grins and blows his bangs out of his face. His hair has been a lost cause ever since he refused to cut it a year ago, but he still complains whenever people mistake him for a girl. Axel thinks it's more than a little retarded and has voiced his opinion. Multiple times. Loudly.
"Sixteen, same as you," Riku says, sounding too proud. It's not actually a great accomplishment to live for sixteen years in the 21th Century, Axel decides irritably. Riku should at least have a driver's license or something to show for it.
"Nah," Axel says. "You're not even close. I'm seventeen next month, and people don't get arrested for hitting on me because they think I'm a little girl."
"That was once!" Riku bursts out, and Axel leans down to ruffle his hair.
"One time too many, little sister."
"Axel!" his father shouts from downstairs. "Get your ass down here or you're walking to school!"
Riku scrambles up and swings his backpack over one shoulder, looking a little nervous for upsetting his new stepfather. Axel smiles and takes his time changing. He knows his father is all bark and no bite, but Riku hasn't been around long enough to realize that.
He hears the car start outside and scrambles to pull on the rest of his clothes.
"Fuck! Wait up!"
!
Roxas pokes him in the shoulder and asks, "You okay?"
Axel groans into his desk.
"Siblings suck serious ass, Rox. They should be illegal or something. Help me ditch mine after school."
It isn't fair. He had to sprint to the car in a T-shirt and endure a twenty-minute lecture on punctuality while Riku struggled not to laugh in the backseat. Needless to say, Riku failed miserably. Axel had to work hard not to whip around and punch the boy every time he heard a muffled snort because his father was watching him like a freaking hawk, trying to see if his words were sinking into Axel's brain (they weren't).
"Huh," Roxas says. "I think he's okay."
"No. That's - okay doesn't even begin to cover it." Axel sits up and glares at the door, where a group of girls are spilling in. The late bell rang five minutes ago. He feels slightly vindicated when he notices their flimsy clothing, which contain even less material than his T-shirt. Although they do not seem to be affected by the cold weather at all.
"Aliens," he mutters, watching them hand over a handwritten note to the substitute. She takes it and looks bored, stuffing it at the back of her clipboard. Roxas rolls his eyes and digs out a battered CD player from his backpack. He holds up the headphones and it takes Axel a moment to realize he is supposed to take them.
"Listen to this," Roxas says. He actually sounds a little excited so Axel perks up immediately, forgetting to bitch for a few seconds. "I was thinking about your band idea, and I thought maybe we could try to play a few covers or something."
Axel can't think of anything to say. If he is perfectly honest with himself, he did not expect Roxas to commit to the idea at all. It seemed more like a putting-up-with-Axel thing rather than a plausible plan, and he feels a little off-balance now. He didn't plan this far.
He takes the headphones and slips them into his ears automatically, but his mind is focused on Roxas's fingers, which are absently tapping a beat against his leg.
"Like it?" Roxas asks, after waiting the few appropriate minutes. He holds his fingers still and watches Axel carefully for a reaction.
Axel swallows. He hadn't heard a thing. "It was, uh. Really great."
Roxas bites down on a smile and nods, skipping ahead a few tracks.
Axel finds himself tapping unconsciously to the beat after a few seconds and it's actually a pretty good band, they don't even sound too hard or too fast. He's been practicing an hour a night on his bass, which is more time than he ever spent on homework, and he thinks he can handle this. Roxas must think so too.
"Let's try this one," Axel says, pointing to the song number on the tiny display. Eight.
Roxas breaks into a smile and says, "All right. Yeah, let's do it."
For the first time, Axel thinks this idea might actually work.
!
Bumming favors off his little brother is something Axel never dreamed he would need to do in his (almost) seventeen years of awesome living, but desperation has driven him to new extremes. That, and an intense desire to never disappoint Roxas.
He corners Riku on Saturday morning and says, "Play drums for my band and I'll do whatever you want for a day."
Riku's eyes flick away from the cartoons to stare at him in disbelief.
"Wait. Whatever I want?"
"In reason," he amends quickly. "I won't worship your socks or give you all of my savings, but yeah. Pretty much anything else."
Riku, instead of looking ecstatic like Axel had thought he would, just looks suspicious as hell.
"Why? What's the catch?"
Helping my best friend act like a regular teenage kid again; he doesn't smile nearly enough and I'm kind of missing that.
"There's no catch," he says honestly. "I just need a really good drummer."
Riku grins at the super subtle comment and turns back to the screen in time to see a green power ranger get his ass handed to him by a man in a furry suit. Axel's not sure how people watch this crap, but he's willing to keep silent just this once.
"Okay," Riku agrees. "When do you practice?"
"Tomorrow."
Tomorrow is Saturday and it takes an hour to drag Riku's drum set over from the storage facility where it had been kept ever since Riku and his mother moved into his house a few months ago. Axel hopes the boy is actually half-decent at playing because he doesn't know any other drummers at school.
"You don't need to practice?" Axel asks warily. He doesn't want to sound like an asshole, but he really needs to know if Riku can play. Riku is screwing and unfolding things on the garage floor, and Axel knows better than to help with the scattered parts at the risk of breaking something and messing up the band before it has a chance to start.
"Not really," Riku says. He sets a drum upright and searches around for the next one. "It's not something you can forget. Kind of like riding a bike, only ten times cooler and way louder." He smiles brightly and brushes his hair back.
"Ah." Axel fiddles with one of the wooden drumsticks, wondering why Riku sounds more tolerable when he is talking about something he loves.
Wait.
"If you like it so much, why didn't you move it here before?"
"Um." Riku looks slightly embarrassed and stares down at the cymbal in his hand. "My mom's idea. She thought it would be better if I didn't drive off her new husband right after we moved in."
"My dad doesn't really care about stuff like this," Axel reassures him reflexively. He has said the same thing to Roxas at least a million times before, but it feels strange using the words on somebody else.
Riku laughs and reaches for another part. "I know. I mean, I know that now. You're dad's pretty cool. I like him a lot more than all of my mom's old boyfriends."
"He's okay," Axel concedes. He thinks he should say something nice about Riku's mom now, she's his new stepmother after all, but Riku has already gone back to setting up his drum kit and doesn't look like he's waiting around for a compliment.
"You're not too bad," Axel eventually admits. He tosses Riku his drumstick and the boy catches it easily. The drums are set up and the entire process took a lot less time than Axel had originally thought.
"Thanks," Riku laughs, brushing the hair out of his eyes. He looks like he wants to say something else, but Axel hears the distant grinding of wheels on pavement and feels inexplicably relieved. Roxas is arriving on his skateboard.
Sure enough, a familiar blonde head appears on their driveway less than a minute later. Roxas jumps off his board and kicks it onto the lawn where it won't get scratched, running the last few yards to the garage on foot.
"So," Roxas says, sounding strangely out of breath. Axel thinks he must have raced all the way over here since skateboarding usually comes easier to the boy than walking, and he rarely needs to break a sweat over it.
"What's the hurry?" Axel asks, grinning. He's glad that Roxas has finally found something to run towards, but he can't just say that outloud. Way uncool.
Roxas ignores his teasing remark and slides off his backpack, digging out a paper-clipped packet and pulling out a couple sheets for Axel and Riku. "I, uh, printed some songs off of the internet."
"Oh. Awesome." Axel takes the paper and glances over it. It's one he recognizes; he's played it a few times at home, but never in front of anyone else. He sneaks a glance behind him and feels slightly discouraged when he sees Riku already tapping something out on his snare drum.
"Don't worry about it," Roxas says, strapping on his guitar. Axel jumps and turns to see him tuning. "Nobody here is going to point and laugh if you mess up. Just, like, play."
"Oh. Uh, okay." Axel slips the strap over his head and slides one hand down the neck of his bass, feeling more comfortable now that his body is in a familiar position. He closes his eyes and imagines himself back in his bedroom where he has seen this song a few times before, the tabs from the computer screen flashing on the insides of his eyelids.
"Okay," he says again, drawing in a deep breath. He curls his fingers around the starting note.
!
Roxas grins at him as the last trembling chord fades away and Axel's fingertips are burning and he knows he made a ton of mistakes, but fuck it was fun.
"From the top?" Roxas says. His eyes are bright and a smile is threatening to spill out of his lips and Axel thinks he looks kind of…
(Roxas looks happy like he hasn't since his mom killed herself)
"Yeah," Axel says. He's grinning too, and he can't make himself stop even though his cheeks are starting to hurt. He jumps up and down and shakes out his hands, his heart still pounding in his ears.
Riku laughs from behind them. "Ready?" he calls.
They crash together on the opening chord, again and again and again, and even though they fuck up too many times to count, it feels a lot like perfection.
!
"That was…" Riku begins. His voice drops off and he is obviously at a loss of what to say next.
He knocks his knee hard against Axel's, which is easy since that they are all crammed together on the creaking couch in the garage. It's getting kind of hot and sweaty with three teenage boys sitting so close together, but nobody is trying to move away and Axel is secretly relieved. This is a rare moment; them being happy with no strings attached, with nothing bad lying in wait in the near future, and he's going to hold onto it for as long as he can.
"That was brilliant," Roxas says, dropping his head back against the couch. He smiles and it must be infectious since Axel feels his own lips twitch in response. "Just…"
"Perfect." Axel sneaks a hand around Roxas's shoulder and pulls him closer, smothering his laughter in sweaty blonde hair. Roxas smells like shampoo and a little bit like oranges. It drags up memories of the best and worst parts of his childhood, moments he wouldn't trade for anything, and he thinks for a brief instant that he is on the verge of realizing something great, something that has been on the tip of his tongue for years and if he had enough time he could figure what it is -
Riku's elbow knocks into his ribs and he jerks back, swearing loudly.
"Sorry!" Riku says, holding up his hands. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to do that. I was just getting up for a can of soda. You guys, uh, want any?"
Roxas shakes his head and stands up as well, searching around for his guitar case, his face schooled into a perfectly unreadable expression. "I'm fine, thanks. I need to get back home anyways."
"You do?" Axel glances at the clock. It's 4:32. Roxas's father gets off work at 6:00.
"Yeah, my father's waiting for me." Roxas slings his pack across his shoulder and waves behind him as he walks down the driveway, stopping to grab his board but still not turning around. "See you guys later."
"Bye," Riku calls out.
Axel watches Roxas disappear down the street from the couch. He feels kind of sick with disappointment and he doesn't know why.
!
"So, you can actually play an instrument? That's surprising." Larxene breaks down cackling and Axel wishes he hadn't agreed to meet her in such a public area. They are sharing a smoothie at her boyfriend's workplace, and he knows he's just being used to get back at the guy for whatever petty thing Larxene is blowing way out of proportion.
Still, it's a free drink.
"The bass isn't as hard as I thought it would be," he says, tracing designs on the tabletop on spilled sugar packets. He makes a lop-sided happy face and Larxene sweeps it away with a napkin.
"You suck at art," she tells him with a sharp smile. "Don't bother trying."
"I was pinning all of my hopes on becoming a great artist one day," he says. "Thank you. Those were my dreams you crushed."
Larxene laughs harshly and leans across the table to clutch his arm in a vice-like grip. He guesses that her boyfriend is watching them right now so he bends forward a little. He's played this game before.
"Don't look now," she says. She leans forward and kisses him on the mouth. He keeps still for a few seconds before pulling back as fast as he can without making it look too obvious that he's trying to get away. He resists the urge to rub off the taste of her lipstick and reaches for his smoothie instead, drowning it out with raspberry flavoring and sugar. Larxene leans back in her seat and looks smug.
"Now you can look," she says. His confusion must show on his face because she grins like a horrible Disney villain and points at something behind him.
He whips around just in time to see Roxas walking away, an open cell phone clutched in one hand, and his heart drops like a brick into his gut. Larxene grabs Axel by the front of his T-shirt before he can get up to chase after him and her breath hits his face, hot and sickening and sweet.
"I turned your cell to silent," she murmurs, sliding her other hand under the table and cupping the pocket where he always keeps his phone. "When you got here. You shouldn't ignore a lady."
Axel jerks back and almost knocks over his chair when he scrambles to get away. "Fucking bitch," he spits, reaching for his phone. He flips it open and the screen flashes with two new messages, both from Roxas.
"Careful," Larxene says, eyes narrowing. "My boyfriend is here."
Xigbar appears behind her like a faithful dog and crosses his bulging arms across his chest. He is the most intimidating male in an apron that Axel has ever seen, but he is so pissed off that the fact is somehow lost on him. He grits his teeth and takes a step back.
"Say it again," Larxene says sweetly.
"Why am I even friends with you?" Axel asks in disgust. He glares at her and the hulking man behind her. "Why did you even call me over here?"
Her eyes flash. "Because you owe me."
Axel doesn't bother answering before he storms away, but he can still hear her calling after him, "Now more than ever!"
He flips her the finger and loses himself in a crowd, searching for a bright head he knows has already gotten away.
!
"Hey, Axel."
Axel clutches the phone against his ear and tries not to break the plastic casing. The messages are playing back like some kind of train wreck that he's not allowed to stop, and he just wants to find Roxas and say sorry, but he needs to find out where the boy went first. Roxas isn't at home and his cell phone is turned off.
"I, uh, I'm going to be kind of late to the mall. Sorry." Roxas sighs and there is a wave of static on Axel's end. "Can you wait for me at the smoothie shop? I'll be there in ten minutes."
A pause and Axel thinks, this is it.
"Um…thanks. For agreeing to go with me when I asked a few weeks ago. I can't actually think of anything to get my mom by myself. I know, I suck. Uh, I need to go right now, but I'll see you in a couple of minutes. So. Bye." The message is filled with awkward pauses and blundered words and it fills Axel's chest with a terrible ache because he finally, finally realizes what day it is.
Axel sprints to the cemetery.
He wants to jump off a cliff, but he figures he should apologize for blowing off his best friend first. His lungs are burning by the time he reaches the front gate and spots a lone blonde head among the empty green grounds. It's Friday and everyone else is at work. He stumbles over to the headstone and barely glances at the engraved words, he's seen them so many times already, and he should have known.
Roxas flinches when Axel's hand lands on his shoulder.
"You didn't have to come," Roxas says automatically, staring straight ahead at the smooth slab of marble. Axel can't tell if his blue eyes are in focus or if he's just ignoring Axel. "I can do this by myself."
Axel sits down next to the boy, as close as he can without actually touching him. He doesn't think he deserves that. "Fuck, Roxas, I'm so sorry. I…I fucking forgot." He remembers birthdays and holidays but memorials are new and he has to get better at this.
"Okay," Roxas says. He buries his head in his arms and doesn't move. Axel notices a couple of violets tied together clumsily with white plastic ribbons lying at the foot of the headstone, and he knows that Roxas picked them out by himself after he left the mall.
"She loved violets," Axel says uselessly. "It's…a really good choice. It's what I would have picked too."
Roxas doesn't say anything. It is only slightly better than him screaming his head off, but Axel's willing to dive after crumbs right now and he's going to.
"You okay?" Axel asks.
Roxas shivers suddenly. It is close to 90 degrees outside and the boy is wearing a long-sleeved cotton shirt, but his body is trembling. "My father didn't come," he mutters, tonelessly. "I wasn't sure if he would remember. I guess he doesn't."
Axel thinks screw it and slides one arm around Roxas's shoulder, pulling the other boy close. He feels the trembling body that fits agaisnt his own and tightens his grip. "Fuck him," Axel says fiercely. "I know he's your dad and all, but what kind of asshole doesn't even show up to his wife's one year anniversary?"
Roxas's breath hitches and Axel feels a flash of panic before he realizes it's laughter coming out of Roxas, and it's a ruined sound, choked and hurt, but it's recognizable. "You make it sound like it's her wedding anniversary or birthday or something."
"I'm sorry."
Roxas shakes his head against Axel's bony shoulder, and the position can't be comfortable for him but Roxas isn't pulling away.
"I'm sorry."
"Shut up," Roxas mumbles, glaring at the cracked ground, at the weeds sprouting up beside her gravestone. "Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up…"
Axel's eyes burn but he doesn't allow himself to cry because Roxas can't.
He knows they won't mention this day ever again and he's not sure if he's glad or not.
!
They fall into the routine of practicing every Saturday afternoon in the garage. They've actually got a pretty good grip on seven or eight songs (stripped down to just instrumental since nobody wants to sing) before Riku suggests writing one of their own.
"It'll be fun. And it's not like we don't have the time." He taps a ride cymbal absently and they all listen to the wobbling sound as it shimmers across the room. The garage door is open but it's still stifling inside. "Summer vacation is going to start in a couple of weeks."
"Yeah?" Axel says. He stops tuning his bass and looks up curiously. "Hey, are you asking because you already wrote something? Because that's about as subtle as a brick to the face."
Riku nods nervously and pulls out a few crumpled sheets from his pocket. "Um. Yeah, here," he says, holding them out.
Roxas takes a page and scans through it quickly. The tiny frown on his face smoothes out and disappears by the time he reaches the bottom.
"Sounds pretty good," Roxas says. "Your solo is sick."
Riku grins and starts to talk excitedly about the techniques they should use, which bands they need to listen to and learn from, where they can get a gig when they get good enough, and it's obvious he's just as caught up in this as they are.
Axel listens to Riku and Roxas talk and he wonders what he has just gotten himself into.
!
Chapter 2 (is posted now)