A.N. This is an E/O story, I promise! If you aren't in to descriptions, you can skip the first few paragraphs. Please read and review! I always appreciate reviews and suggestions! (Of course I don't own the characters, nor do I own the title even, it the the name of John Coates, Jr. vinyl)

ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD

A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael

Some people take and take and take…others give and give. In the end it is all just a zero sum game. So kick up your heels and just live.

The room was slightly warmer than comfortable, a tad on the side of stale, with the heavily wallpapered walls lit dimly by kerosene lamps and the slight glowing flickers escaping the cast iron stove. Intimate tables clustered together around the stove, barely enough room between them for the waiter to maneuver, though he did with a surprising grace that attested to the many years he had spent flitting back and forth from the crowded dining room to the kitchen. Opposite the stove, just far enough to evade the heat, sat a magnificent piano, black lacquer gleaming in the subtle glow given off by the lamp perched precariously atop a pile of musical compositions.

The tables were all occupied, mostly couples hovered together over the small flicker of a candle flame, conversing quietly while being encapsulated by the ethereal poetry of the pianist whose toned fingers flexed over the piano in perfect time with the subtle nods of his head.

In the quiet seclusion of Delaware Water Gap, tucked up amongst the Pocono's, no one needed be reminded to please silence their cell phones and pagers, no one scurried back to their room to watch another clichéd episodic or surf the internet. Time had taken mercy upon this small Pennsylvania town, sparing it from the hold of modern day distractions. For this, the town's seven hundred-some inhabitants and passing guests were thankful, on this night, none more so than the woman sitting alone at the furthest corner of the room.

The nearly empty wine glass on her table showed faint traces of red wine and crimson lipstick, though in the dim light she came off in varied shades of shadow. A city girl, but God did she need this respite, no cell phone, no internet, no work, no traffic, no perps, no defense attorneys, no Elliot.

That last one was the biggie. But sitting there in that dimly lit room crowded with lovers listening to the most soulful music she had ever heard, nothing really mattered. He would briefly pass into her mind, but those moments were so fleeting they barely registered on her consciousness.

- - -

The ripe fall sun cast a soft glow in her hotel room, a crisp breeze rustling the white gauze curtains. It had been years since she had last allowed herself to be awoken naturally by the sun after a good eight solid hours of sleep, and it felt amazing. After feeling sluggish and burnt out at work for the past few months, she had all but forgotten how alive she could feel.

"God!" her arms extended over her head in a slow stretch, "this place is a miracle tonic!"

Outside the window sparkled bright saffron, amber, and burgundy forests with a crisp blue sky, French blue, dress shirt blue…like his eyes. She threw her hand over her eyes and groaned. Why did his eyes have to be the exact same color as the sky on a clear day? No, she was going to go out and enjoy her vacation without thinking about him. Or how the trees perfectly captured the leathery complexion of his skin and the crimson of his lips. Or how the wind rippling through the forest mimicked the fluid movements of his perfectly toned muscles. No. No. This was her week to relax, unwind, forget about him and how he made her absolutely crazy.

She needed this week to decompress. When she returned to New York she would be starting fertility treatments again. A few months ago, after the incident at Sealview, then Merrik Rook, then Casey's departure had forced her to reassess her life, she had begun the treatments, but then things fell apart again and she had stopped before the first insemination.

Olivia sighed heavily as she got out of bed. It was so beautiful outside. A different kind of beautiful than the city. There were no memories to spoil the splendor. She turned from the windows, running a hand through her hair as she began drawing a bath in the bathroom.

She turned the hot water tap down and poured in some bubble salts. Lavender and vanilla. Damn. She had thrown out all of her lavender and vanilla after that night. Too many memories.

It would have to do. She slowly peeled off her camisole and boxers before lowering herself into the cast iron claw foot tub. The bubbles parted as she allowed her head to slip under the surface of the water. Sometimes she wished she could just start over. With everything. Wipe the slate clean. Bathe her life to come out squeaky clean and fresh. She slowly drifted back above the surface, taking in a deep breath.

God, things had gotten so complicated this past summer. Life always seemed to do that. Just when she thought things were coming together, just when she was able to focus on herself, things came up that completely derailed her plans.

Things started to fall apart before she had even realized they were okay…she just didn't recognize the warning signs at the time. It had started at the end of May. Lizzie had stopped sleeping, though never tired, and became increasingly agitated. Her actions became erratic, speech hurried, and a new boy was on the front porch every night. Kathy lost it when Lizzie brought home straight C's and a boy who looked to be about 20.

Elliot had asked Olivia to please take Lizzie for a few weeks so Kathy wouldn't murder her youngest daughter and after a little cajoling, Olivia agreed. But one week after moving in, Olivia came home from a late night at work to find Lizzie passed out on her bathroom floor with an empty bottle of benzodiazepines and slit wrists. By God's grace the doctors were able to pump out her stomach and stop the blood loss before any permanent damage was done.

Olivia blamed herself for leaving a bottle of benzos alone in the apartment with Lizzie, for not getting home soon enough, for not noticing signs of suicidal ideations. It took everything she had not to lose it completely. Her partner, best friend, soul mate's daughter had tried to commit suicide on her watch, God she felt horrible.

Elliot struggled, trying to hold Kathy together while attempting to console Olivia and take care of his other kids. And in his attempts to comfort Olivia it all fell apart.

- - -

He had driven her home despite her protests because it had been two days since she last saw natural light and three since she last slept. Her face was sunken and hollow, stained with dry tears and pasted strands of hair. Elliot hated to see her like this, and it was, he felt, all his fault. He should have never talked her in to watching Lizzie.

As he drove back to her apartment, she fell into a fitfull sleep. By the time he got her up to her door she was clinging to him in desperation, a fatigue induced haze inhibiting her judgment to the point where she had no filter.

"Ngh," she moaned, "I need a drink."

Elliot fiddled with her lock while trying not to drop Olivia. "No Liv, you need sleep."

"Uh-uh. No sleep," she sounded almost drunk as her hand toyed with his shirt. "I just wanna turn off my brain." And then a whimper. "Please."

"Liv," he closed her door with his foot as he flicked on the front lights. "Sleep."

"Fine, no alcohol." She picked her head off his shoulder as he set her down on the couch. "How about just some mind blowing sex… huh?" Her hand drifted over his chest and down his abs before he gently took her arm and replaced it by her side.

"I'm just a phone call away if you need anything." He turned to leave.

Olivia clumsily removed her shirt, exposing a practical nude bra. "I need you, El."

Her whimper stopped him in his tracks and he turned around. "Jesus Liv, put your shirt on." His eyes fixed on the ceiling.

Instead of doing as she was told, she removed her pants and slowly made her way over to Elliot. "I just need to forget this. Please. El, I need to sink into oblivion."

His eyes darted to her as she crashed in to her console table. "Shit, Liv, don't do this. You're going to get yourself killed."

The second he said it he regretted his choice of words. "Yeah, well I seem to be pretty good at that, don't I El? Oh wait, no, no, I'm a failure at that too. Can't even get people to do that right. No, nope, failure. God damned bloody failu…"

Elliot's arms wrapped around her with a ferocity she had never before felt. His strong hands flattened against her naked back, pulling her so that every inch of her body was pressed against his.

"Don't say that. Don't you ever say that. Don't you ever believe that. Liv, you are many things, but failure is not one of them."

His other hand was fixed firmly on the back of her head, holding her as sobs shook her body. "I am. Nobody thinks I'm good enough to love. Nobody gives a damn about me. And they're right. Because I am just not worth it."

Elliot pulled her head back to look in her eyes. "That is not true." His words came out forcefully, full of conviction. "I give a damn. You are worth it. Liv, God forgive me, I love you. And I'm sorry I haven't told you this before, but I do. I love you, you hear me, you are worth suffering for. You hear me Liv? I. Love. You."

Her brown eyes just gazed up at him through the tears, not comprehending what he was saying. She could see a rawness in his blue eyes, a desperation, and she reached up, capturing his lips with hers.

It started soft but quickly became full of need and desire and frustration. She was calling all the shots; she initiated every step. And pretty soon she had her wish, to be obliterated by mind blowing sex and the effortless sleep that followed.

He had left before she awoke. And when she did, she could scarcely remember what had happened. It seemed more a freakish parallel universe than reality. Nothing came of it. No mention, no looks, no acknowledgement of any kind that they had slept together. On a good day she could swear it never happened at all. On a bad day she could swear she practically took advantage of his desperate state of mind.

The day after, the doctors diagnosed Lizzie as having bipolar disorder. Slowly they all moved on from that horrible incident, each claiming to understand that the suicide attempt was caused by the disease not any one of them. And maybe in time they might actually believe that to be true.

But it was exhausting to move forward. For everyone. And so Olivia found herself taking her first real vacation in years. Delaware Water Gap, Pennsylvania where she could escape from her cell phone and the internet for a whole week, communing with nature by day and seeking therapy in jazz by night. Hopefully by the end of her vacation she would be ready for daily hormone injections and crazy mood swings.

Olivia sighed as she stepped into the crisp autumn air. And if she wasn't ready by the end of the week, she wouldn't mind staying a few more.

Hope you enjoyed so far! Please leave me a review, good, bad, or ugly, I want to know what you think and whether I should continue with this!