Empty beer bottles litter the floor of my apartment. Tears cascaded down my face as I tried to make sense of the world that had rotated 360 degrees that day and was still spinning just for me. A flash of silver caught my wrists that poured gems more precious than the rubies encrusting the crown of a nation I knew West was bombing. My heart ached for the lives I knew our people were ending… for the friends I felt I was betraying. My uniform was soaked the deepest shade of violet. The fight that had kept me alive through the wars ran screaming from my veins. Shaking on the floor, I felt myself go cold.
When nothing else matters…
Trembling hands found the notebook I'd left on the coffee table and a pen. The ink cut into the page, forming the words on my heart. 'Ich schwöre bei Gott, ich versuchte, Bruder. Es tut mir leid.' (I swear to god, I tried, brother. I'm sorry.) I'm so sorry… I knew I couldn't do this anymore. Darkness crept into the edges of my vision. Even on the edge of the abyss, there was no peace, no release from the pain. …maybe six feet ain't so far down. Clutching the Iron Cross around my neck, I fell into the void.
Perfect silence gave way to brilliant moonlight and the song of a nightingale. My crimson eyes remained shut to the warm breeze. Familiar smells assaulted my senses; the sweet roses and wild flowers around Sanssouci Palace. This couldn't be real.
"Preussen, I know you're awake."
My heart pounded harder than it had in an age. No. This can't be happening. I looked up at the man I knew couldn't be there. Fritz looked down at me with a soft, sad smile. It was the same one he wore every time I marched off to battle. My soul cried out in agony even though I couldn't say a word. My king helped me sit up and wrapped an arm around my shaking shoulders. A sob tore from my throat.
"Hush, mein Geliebter," (my beloved) he said soothingly, "Und tell me vhy you're here."
I buried my face in his shoulder, "I don't know... I can't stand zhe bloodshed."
"Yet you spill your own. Did you forget your promise?"
Shock shattered my sorrow and made me realize I had forgotten the oath I'd made so many decades ago. I couldn't even begin to deny it. Nodding, the shame welled in the core of my being. A single, warm finger pressed against my lips, preventing the laments and apologies from escaping.
"Zhere is a heart who still needs you," Fritz stated quietly, "So spread those great vings of yours und remember who you are. I vill always be here vhen you need me."
He placed a hand over my heart. It ached worse than any wound I'd ever received and in that moment, I heard them. Antonio and Francis' anxious voices echoed in my mind like the memory of a half forgotten dream.
"Go, liebling." (favorite)
The dream gave way to painful reality. My arms felt as though they had been branded yet my body was so numb, I couldn't move. Slowly, I opened my eyes to the blinding white light of the hospital room. My friends stood over me, each one grasping one of my hands.
"We thought we'd lost you."
The fear in Francis' voice made me realize what I should have been fighting for all along. The friendship that had survived dozens of wars was still intact.
"Nie," (Never) I whispered hoarsely.
Even if the worst day was still on the horizon, I knew we'd make it… together.