Here is a little one shot I've been working on over the last few months, just to pour my heart out as I've been dealing with things. You'll probably see me do something like this again, only next time I'm jumping on the band wagon of TMNT visiting authors. That looks fun. lol Well, enjoy and please review.
Disclaimer: I don't own our beloved turtles, Leo especially… :(
The rain pours, drowning out the silence. The thunder crashes briefly interrupting my thoughts. The lightning strikes, lighting up the room's shadows. The hail pounds harshly against the building's rooftop, reminding me of strikes of a battle raging. I sit in an abandoned apartment, the cold rain whipping in. I feel the freezing water touch my feet and legs, but don't move out of its way. It's... refreshing. A reprieve to the dark thoughts coursing through my head. But it doesn't stop those thoughts. Merely hinders them for a moment before I return to them.
Just like always.
Every day.
Every hour.
Every minute.
Ever second.
There is no escape. There is no retreat. Just postponement until the brief break vanishes like it was never even there. You might ask just what these dark thoughts that plague me are. If you were one of my brothers I would never tell you. They don't need to know. They will never know. It's not something they can fix, rather something they caused. Or that's what my mind now tells me I should believe. I'm so tired of what I've been thinking, it's starting to take it's toll on me. I just want it to stop. The feelings, the pain in my heart. It's too much to bear, yet it comes at me again and again. Please let me get off this roller coaster. I'll do anything. Just please. Make it stop.
Mikey says I'm worthless. All I do is train and have no fun. But if I don't, I could loose him and the rest of my family. Why doesn't he understand that? You can't protect your family if you play video games all day. Truth be speaking, I think I stink at video games. That doesn't stop Mikey from asking me though, which I do like. But when he hounds me, pesters me, tells me I'm a dud, a stick in the mud, a fun hating ogre... that's when it hurts, that's when it starts to pierce me. Maybe he's right...
Don acts like I'm not needed. I want to help him do something. Encourage him in his training, help him with what he's tinkering with. I can hand him a screw driver. I know what that thing is. But he sometimes looks at me like I don't know, like I'm dumber than Mikey when it comes to tools. He says he likes my help, but it would be better if I found something else to do. Some days I can see the exasperated look in his eyes. It only fuels my despair. I only wanted to help.
Raph... Raph says I'm an idiot. He calls me the "Fearless leader", but always in a mocking tone as if I'm not good enough for him. I try not to believe it. It's just a lie. Though sometimes the truth and a lie can be blurred together. Indistinguishable. Am I really as hard headed as Raph? Am I really an idiot? I don't know what to believe any more.
Splinter... Oh at first I thought I was his most precious son. The one he loved the most, the one he could trust to do the right thing. I do everything he wants, somethings I do because I know he would want me to do them, because they need to be done. No one else is going to get it done. But there's a flaw in everything I accomplish. There's a flaw in how I look after my brothers. There's a flaw in my training. I'm not getting right the first time sometimes. I know that's not always possible, but the look of disappointment in Splinter's eyes when I fail... It just breaks my heart so much. He could do all my jobs and not make my mistakes. So why doesn't he?
I squeeze my eyes shut. Tell me this is all wrong. Tell me my thinking is wrong. Tell me they care, that I'm needed, that I'm actually a good brother. Tell me and I'll think your the world to me. It's all I want to hear. What I need to hear or I fear I may break and never be able to put myself together again. Give me a reason to keep going. I know it's out there. I just need to find it.