VGA: As you probably already know, there's gonna be a new TOS sequel called Knights of Ratatosk. It takes place about two years after the events of TOS. A lot people are pissed because of the plot twists, such as Lloyd going evil. Anyway, this is just a crack fic that I hope cheers people up. By the way, if a sentence has a (!) sign next to it, that means it's a fact.
Symphonia Vs. Ratatosk Interview!
VGA: Sup? I'm Videogamatic, otherwise known as VGA, and this is my studio.
AD: She stole it from Oprah
VGA: That asshole over there is Announcer Dude, he's my co-host
AD: I'm being held here against my will
VGA: Let's get this shit over with. Why don't we start by interviewing Emil Castaglanier? Give him a round of applause!
(Silence)
VGA: Tough crowd
Emil:... Bastards
AD: It's probably your hairstyle
Emil: What's wrong with my hair!?
AD: Everything. I mean, look at it
Emil: There's nothing wrong with my hair!!
AD: That's what Britney Spears thought too, till she shaved it off
Emil: You know what!?
VGA: That's enough Announcer Dude. Now Emil, why don't you tell us about how you got the role of the protagonist?
Emil: Well you see, I was a nobody at first-
AD: No shit. With hair like that, I wouldn't want to be seen by society neither
Emil: That's it! I'm leaving!!
VGA: No wait!! We're not done humiliating- I mean, interviewing you! Annoncer Dude, say you're sorry!!
AD: I'm sorry... That you're such a fruitcake
Emil: I'm a star!! I don't need to take this shit!!
VGA: Before this gets ugly, like Emil's hair.
Emil: Hey!!
VGA: Let's bring out Tales of Symphonia's previous hero, Lloyd Irving!!
(Lloyd came in. Everyone started clapping)
Emil: Why does he get more applause!?
AD: Cause his hair doesn't look like crap
Lloyd: Um, where am I?
VGA: On my studio
Lloyd: It looks like Oprah's
VGA: Shut up and sit your ass down
(Lloyd sat down. Then he looked at Emil)
Lloyd: Who's the fruitcake?
VGA: This is Emil. He's the new hero for Ratatosk
Lloyd: Oh yeah! I heard of you! Genis was right, your hair does look like shit
Emil: How the hell does my hair look like shit!? Come on, tell me!
AD: It just does
VGA: So Lloyd, what do you think of Emil as a hero?
Lloyd: What do I think? I think Namco suffers from retardation
Emil: Like you have nerve to talk, Mr. I-Can't-Count-To-Fifty-Two!
VGA: Lloyd, what makes you think that Emil isn't fit to be a hero?
Lloyd: Well his hair for starters-
Emil: You know what, I make a way better hero than you!
Lloyd: Bullshit!! I was the hero way before before you were! I still am!
Emil: Oh really? Explain why you lead a massacre and set fire to the church! (!)
VGA: Yeah, you bastard!! Explain that!!
Lloyd:T-that wasn't me!
Emil: The trailers on YouTube clearly show you walking through a fire evilly and shit! (!) And there's tons of info on Wikipedia! (!)
Lloyd: Lies! Lies and slander!!
AD: Murderer!!
Lloyd: Listen, the fire was an accident!
VGA: Tell me about it
Lloyd: Well you see, I had eaten about five bean burritos the night before. I happened to walk by a gas leak in town and, well, yeah
AD:...
Emil:...
VGA:... So you mean to tell me, that you farted right next to a gas leak, which caused the church to burn down?
Lloyd: Yes I did
Emil: You really are a dumbass
Lloyd: Oh shut up! I'm smart!
Emil: How's Lloyd?
Lloyd: Who's Lloyd?
VGA: You two are boring. Let's bring out Marta Lualdi!
(Marta came in)
Marta: Hi guys! You know, I really love this show, and it's an honor to-
VGA: Shut up and sit down
(Marta sat down)
VGA: So tell me Marta, what's it like working with Emil and being the new heroine?
Marta: Well, other than having to look at Emil's hair, it's pretty cool. You know, I get whatever I want... I get a kickass chakram thingy as a weapon. (!)
VGA: Cool. What about the Ratatosk Core thingy on your forehead? (!)
Marta: It itches sometimes, but the rash cream helps it go away
VGA: I see. Now Colette Brunel, the previous Symphonia heroine, I hear she may be a playable character for Ratatosk.(!) Do you feel that she's compitition?
Marta: That dumb bitch? Compitition? Pft, no way.
VGA: You're pretty confident. Why don't we bring out Colette herself and see what she thinks?
Marta: Fine with me, if she can find the studio that is
VGA: You gave her directions, right Announcer Dude?
AD: Yeah. I think. Maybe. Not really. I forgot
VGA: You're useless, you know that? What do we do now?
AD: I know! Let's make fun of Emil's hair!
Lloyd: Yeah!
(Colette came in)
Colette: Sorry I'm late. I kept tripping over air particles on the way here
VGA: Well now that you're here, sit down and act like you care
(Colette sat down)
AD: Aww, we were just gonna make fun of Emil's hair...!
VGA: We can do that anytime. Right now, we're doing important shit here. Now Colette this is Marta, who is the new heroine of Ratatosk. Now, Marta says that you're a dumbass skank and feels that she makes a way better heroine than you. How does that make you feel?
Colette: Well, I don't know. I think that- Wait, better than me? How are you better than me?
Marta: Well for starters, I'm prettier, I kick more ass, my outfit looks better, I'm smarter...
Colette: Yeah, well, I don't think you're outfit looks any better. It makes you look like a slut, if you ask me
Marta: Well nobody asked you! And at least I'm not an ironing board!
VGA: I know, seriously Colette. It's been like two years and you still haven't developed?
Colette: I-it's not my fault!! The oranges keep falling out!! Why are you so mean!?!? (Cries uncontrollably)
VGA: Now look what you've done!
Marta: It isn't my fault! It's Emil's hair!
Emil: Enough about my hair!!
Marta: No
VGA: Let's have Ricter Abend come out
(Ricter came in)
AD: Oh my God! It's Kratos!!
Ricter: I'm not Kratos, I'm Ricter!
AD: Who?
Ricter: I'm the guy with glasses!
AD: You look like Kratos... (!)
VGA: Nah, Kratos is way sexier. And he has better abs
Ricter: I'm hot! At least my hair isn't like Emil's!
VGA: True.
Emil:...
VGA: So Ricter, why the hell are dressed almost exactly like Kratos? You're not one of those cosplaying nuts are you?
Ricter: I look nothing like him! I wear glasses for Christ's sakes!
AD: I can't believe you're trying take Kratos' place. I should report your ass!!
VGA: Good idea. Ricter, you're fired!! (Pulls out a gun)
Ricter: Fired!? From what!?
VGA: I don't know. You suck Ricter, all of you suck!! Emil, you suck the most! Who wears their hair like that!?
Emil: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY HAIR!!!!!!
VGA: Wait, my Kratos senses are tingling...!
AD: Say what?
(Kratos came in)
Kratos: I'm guessing this isn't Blockbuster
VGA: Oh... My... God...
AD: Here it comes...
VGA: KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AD: I'm always right
Kratos: Sigh, another fangirl. If I give you a autograph, will you leave me the hell alone?
VGA: No way!! Sit down or I'll kill your ass!
Kratos: Whatever (sits down)
VGA: Oh my God, Kratos Aurion is sitting on my couch!! I'm never washing that cushion again!!
Kratos: You are, so far, the most disturbing fangirl yet
VGA: I feel so honored...
AD: Kratos, why are you here anyway? I thought you weren't gonna apprear in Ratatosk? (!)
Kratos: I'm not sure. I haven't gotten any call backs (Looks at Ricter). Who the fuck is this?
Ricter: I'm Ricter!
Kratos: I hate you already
Lloyd: Hi daddy!
Kratos: Shut up Lloyd
VGA: He's soooo awesome...
Kratos: I hate you too
VGA: What do you think of the three new Ratatosk characters, Kratos?
Kratos: I hate them all. Especially that kid with the awful hair. It's hideous. I personally think this will be the worst Tales game yet. Especially since I may not be in there
VGA: True, you are the hottest Tales character yet
Kratos: I know I am
Emil: So wait, you're saying that we all suck?
Lloyd: No, just you
Ricter: I still don't think Kratos is hotter than me
VGA: What the hell did you say?
Ricter: I said, I don't think Kratos is hotter than me
VGA: How dare you!?!? I should report your ass!!
Kratos: Good idea. Ricter, you're fired!!
Marta: You know what, I'll see your ass in court bitch!!
Colette: You're the bitch!!
(Marta and Colette got into a bitch fight)
AD: I'm in the mood for sushi
VGA: You do know that it's against the law to try and take Kratos' place, right?
Ricter: Since when!?
VGA: Now
Emil: At least my outfit doesn't look like shit! Who wears suspenders!?
Lloyd: Who wears their hair like that!?
Emil: That's it!! (Tackles Lloyd to the ground)
Kratos: I've already called the FBI
Ricter: Say what!?
( The FBI broke down the door)
FBI Dude: Ricter Abend, you're under arrest for trying to cosplay as Kratos
VGA: Hell yeah!! No one takes Kratos Aurion's place!! (!)
(The FBI took Ricter to jail)
AD: Damn right! That'll teach that piece of shit to mess with the Kratosnator!!
FBI Dude: By the way, you two are arrested also
VGA: Say what?
FBI Dude: According to Laws of Fanfiction, you're not allowed to use this fic to talk about Emil's hair, no matter how hideous it is. Not only that, but Oprah wants her studio back
Emil: Finally! Someone understands me!!
Lloyd: (Punches Emil)
VGA: What now?
AD: Um, I'm guessing we run
VGA: Well goodnight people! Leave some reviews before you leave! Later! Run damn it!
(VGA and AD ran away)
(Meanwhile, all the other TOS characters were watching TV)
Sheena: That was the weirdest show I ever saw
Zelos: Whoa, his hair is hideous!
Genis: Told you
Presea: The chances of this show lasting two seasons, 0.00001.
Raine: This show was boring, let's watch something totally pointless and stupid
Regal: Law and Order it is!
(So they watched Law and Order)
THE END
VGA: So yeah, that was really cracked out wasn't it? Anyway, here are the (!) facts, in order:
1. It's true, Lloyd does lead a massacre against the Chuch of Martel, call the Purge of Flames
2. There are a few trailers on YouTube
3. There's a ton of info on Wikipedia. However, it is constantly being updated so check often
4. Marta fights with a single chakram that looks like a bigass shuriken and does some kickboxing too
5. The Ratatosk Core is the spirit of the Great Tree, which lies dormant on Marta's forehead. Supposedly, she is in danger because others want that power, and Emil suppose to protect her
6. I heard that Colette a playable character, which may mean the other TOS characters may be playable too
7. When I first saw Ricter, I was like, "Kratos!! You're alive!!!" Then I read who he was and I was like "WTF!?!?"
8. Whether Kratos will appear or not is a mystery. I sure hope so, Kratos is the shit!!
9. NO ONE TAKES KRATOS AURION'S PLACE!!!!!
VGA: A lot of people were upset when they found out Lloyd may be a villain. I have to admit, I had a feeling that would happen. Hopefully, he's just being possessed or something. I get the feeling that he may die also... I hope not, who would we make fun of? Anyway, for those of you who were, how should I say, crestfallen, I hope this fic cheered you up. Later.