Ever since the rain, I've been waking on my own
Blinding pain, the screech of tires on the wet pavement, and the feeling of raindrops on his cheek. That's all he can remember. He knows there's something else, something off, but he can't put his finger on it.
When he comes to he's in a white room, people sitting around his bed, looking concerned and exhausted. He doesn't recognize them at first, stares at them, waiting for his memory to start working again. It takes a while, a few days, maybe two, until he realizes that those people are his family.
He wants to ask what happened, but the pain in his jaw prevents him from speaking. A teenager, his sister, tells him that he won't be able to open his mouth for a while, and that the weird cable in his nose is actually a feeding tube.
Everything hurts, but there's something else, something he can't quite remember.
They tell him that he was in a car accident, that he was really lucky, that he could have been dead. He doesn't remember, but they insist that it wasn't his fault, that someone drove into the side of his car. He knows it's not the complete story, but for now he'll accept it.
Over time the nagging feeling gets stronger and stronger, his sister oblivious to his agitation, tells him that they're going home soon, and that everything is going to be fine. A voice in his head keeps telling him how wrong this is, that there's something he's missing.
It's been a week when they decide to see if he can eat on his own. They remove the feeding tube, help him sit up, and a nurse feeds him. It should be awkward, he thinks, an almost grown man being fed like a toddler, but it's not. His body is weak, hurting, and chewing makes him wince, but he's going to make it; refuses to have to rely on the feeding tube again.
His father comes and goes, looking concerned, looking angry; there are so many emotions, that he can hardly tell what's going on.
"Jacky." he calls him. But it's not right, it's not his name.
He wants to ask why he's so upset. He survived, his father should be happy. There's something he's missing, something so very important.
When they release him into his father's care, his siblings are ecstatic, help him into his room, and check on him so often that he wants to scream. There is something odd about his room, like it hasn't changed since he was sixteen. He wants to ask his sister, instead she prattles on about her day, and school, and how great it is to see him recovering so well.
On Sunday, when they all sit down for breakfast, he remembers. There was someone else in the car with him, though he can't remember who. When he asks his father the room goes silent, and he knows he upset them somehow.
"A french exchange student." His father tells him that they met in college, that they became great friends, hanging out at his place every so often. Then his father sighs and tells him how sorry he is, and that his friend didn't make it. The driver hit him dead on.
It's a lie. His mind supplies, it can't be right, because the nurses told him that the driver had hit him full force and that the passenger-side had been almost untouched. He doesn't ask why his father is lying to him. The mood has shifted and he doesn't want to upset him further.
When breakfast is over, his father helps him back into his room, and sits down next to him. With a heavy sigh his father pulls him into a hug, holding him close, almost a bit too tight.
"Don't ever do that again." And he promises. It won't ever happen again. He'll be careful.
Satisfied his father nods, and with a quick pat on his shoulder, rises and leaves the room.
It's odd, but there's no computer or phone is room, nothing he could use to contact anyone. Any of his friends. He doesn't really remember all of them, but he's convinced that he'll will once he talks to them. So he asks his father for his phone. His father's face turns cloudy, and he explains that it was crushed in the crash, but he'll go get a new one for him. When he asks for a computer his father replies that he should be resting, not playing around on the internet.
He wants to tell his father that this is important. That he doesn't remember his friends, and that he needs to reconnect with them. But for some reason he doesn't dare. Something about the look on his father's face has his heart beating faster, and his stomach in knots.
His father brings him a new phone the next day, a cheap one with no internet, promising they'll get a nice new one once he's all better, and adds all the contacts that he needs to know. His family, and no one else.
His health is slowly improving. His jaw still hurts, but the pain is fading into the background, his ribs, broken in the crash, only hurt when he makes a wrong movement. He wants to go out, take a walk, and get some fresh air. Being confined to the house has been slowly driving him crazy.
His siblings are doing their best to keep him entertained. Telling him all about their day, playing games with him, or watching TV together. And even though they're trying so hard, he's slowly going out of his mind.
On a sunny day he asks his father, if they could go for a walk. Just a short one, not too far from the house. His father looks displeased, but agrees with him. Saying as a young man, and laying in bed all day will only help with his recovery so much.
It's a very short walk. His father keeps his arm around him the entire time, keeps glancing around, and hurries him back to the house as soon as he deems it acceptable.
He wants to ask what's wrong, but his siblings pull him towards the living room, going on about how exhausted he must be, and cuddle up to him on the couch. They're watching a movie, Disney, he thinks. And there's a pang in his heart. He's seen this movie before. Several times. There was always someone sitting next to him, with his arm around him. Someone tall, with strong arms, smelling like earth and fine wine.
When he asks his sister, if he ever mentioned a partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, either one, she turns pale and then quickly shakes her head; looking scared for a second.
They're lying to him. Again.
This whole situation screams wrong, although he doesn't know why. His family is keeping things from him. He wonders if that french exchange student was his lover, and they were trying to spare him the pain.
He decides to ask his father.
The moment he posed the question he can see that it was the wrong thing to say. In an instant his father is upon him, clutching his jaw, making him whimper in pain. Stars are dancing in front of his eyes, and his ears are ringing. He claws at his father's hand, to no avail.
"Don't you dare." His father says. "No son of mine is gay. Do you understand?"
He nods, shaking. He's terrified, and memories come rushing back. He remembers being younger, his father smacking him when he tells him that he's gay. Remembers his father sending him away to bible camp, not listening to his begging and pleading, telling him to return normal, or else. Remembers hiding boyfriends from him, and how when his father found out, he locked him in his room for days.
He hides in his room. Refusing to come down, unless it's time to eat. His siblings know that something bad happened, ducking away every time their father enters the room.
Every now and then his father will come into his room. Explaining to him that "It's for your own good, Jacky. I'm your father. I know what's good for you.", and he wants to object, tell his father that this treatment is in no way good for him, but he's terrified. He's weak, his jaw has been hurting badly ever since his father grabbed him, and there's no one he could turn to.
He grows despondent. Sleeps most of the time, barely eats, or talks to his siblings.
It must have been weeks when his sister sneaks into his room, laptop clutched in her hands. She's shaking, being as quiet as humanly possible. She hands him her laptop, and tells him that she'll be outside, standing watch. It's incredibly brave of her, he thinks. Not knowing what their dad will do to her, when he finds out. Do to him.
He opens up a browser and tries to remember his email account, his password, and everything else. It takes a few tries, but he manages to make it. His inbox is flooded with emails. A lot of them from the same three names " ", "Herc", and "Lafayette". None of these names mean anything to him.
Their emails are panicked, asking where he went, what happened, why no one in the hospital will let them see him. In a flash it comes back to him. These are his friends, his best friends, and his lover.
He's breathing hard. He'd known something was off the whole time. His family had lied to him, he hadn't had any contact with them for years. He'd left home as soon as he turned eighteen, and never looked back, occasionally sending emails to his siblings. They hadn't known what was wrong. He never told them, and he could only imagine the things his father told them.
He needs to reply. His father could find out any moment. He sends a message to the three of them, saying he's at his father's house, and to please come and get him.
When he's done he hands the laptop back to his sister, kisses her cheek, and gives her a hug. She clings to him like a lost child. They hadn't seen each other in person for months, he remembers, the last time being a meeting in New York, when she had told their father that she was going on a trip to meet with a friend. They spent hours talking to each other, catching up. Sitting in his apartment, watching a movie, while Lafayette made dinner.
Lafayette.
The french exchange student. The thought makes him laugh. Lafayette had indeed been an exchange student, but fell in love with America, and him, and decided to stay for good.
As stealthy as possible he packs most of his things, hides them in a duffel bag under his bed, waiting for his friends to pick him up. His sister checking his emails for him, telling him that they were organizing a "rescue party", that they would arrive soon, and this would all be over.
It doesn't happen like that.
His siblings are all in on the plan to get him out. His sister having told them what happened, that their father had been lying to them. So they all decided to get him away from their father.
On the day his friends are supposed to pick him up, their father gets home earlier than usual; sending them all into a panic. His siblings try to distract his father, but the man can tell that something is wrong. His father sends them away, grabbing him by his arm and pulling him close.
"What's going on, Jacky?" he asks, voice dropping into a growl. "What did you do to your siblings?"
In that moment the doorbell rings, and time comes to a halt. He can see the realization in his father's eyes.
"You ungrateful bastard." with a shove his father sends him to the floor. "After everything I've done for you!"
Someone must have opened the door, because suddenly there are people in the room. His father is being pulled away from him, and someone sends him flying with a strong right hook.
"Are you okay?" Someone is crouching next to him. Alexander, his best friend. "John? Can you hear me?"
And suddenly it feels right again. He isn't Jack, hasn't been in years.
"Yeah, I'm okay." he croaks, earning himself a look of disbelief and a snort. Alex helps him to his feet, telling Lafayette, who has been beating John's father, and Herc, trying to hold him back, to come help him. In an instant Lafayette is next to him, pulling him in his arms and showering him with kisses.
His sister, bless her, shows Herc where he hid his duffel bag.
Alex is busy threatening his father, telling him that if he ever lays hand on John, or his siblings, again, he'd ruin him. Having collected enough dirt on John's father to ruin his career.
They load him, and his siblings, into their van. They drop off his siblings at their father's third wife, a reasonable and kind woman, having left their father soon after their child was born.
He's so exhausted. Lafayette is telling him that they had been in a crash, that the car had hit him head on, and that the paramedics had taken him to the ICU. For unknown reasons, now knowing that it had been John's father, they were kept from him, being told that only family was allowed to visit. And when they had finally managed to find a lawyer and get all the papers to see him, he was gone. They had searched everywhere for him, asked around, but none of them had considered that his father could have taken him.
There's so much he wants to say, so much he wants to ask. But for now he's content to cling to Lafayette, listening as he recounts what happened.
It's going to take a while to recover, he knows that much. As he breathes in the smell of earth and fine wine, he knows he's safe.