'You must have demons of your own, then?' He asks, shuffling a little further up the mattress, patience collecting in the depths of his green eyes.

Alicia laughs in response, but it's quiet and almost jaded sounding. 'Well, I've many.'

Both of them fall silent, unsure of the right next steps. The conversation has spun on for several hours. They've long since ditched the wine glasses and ended up in bed, however the topics of conversation easily become more intimate now it's dark. It is like treading on egg shells, literally, except neither of them can really win. The past is always a chewy topic, but he has spoken too long about his already. It is now her turn. Her turn to dig deep. Ethan feels that without insight into your partner, it is all very surface. He craves depth above all else. If quietness takes hold for long enough, she will start to talk. One of them coughs and glances at the clock, mumbling the time. 2am shouldn't be the hour for conversations, but routine is nonexistent in their lives anyway. They are used to sleep being the lowest priority: unrelenting night shifts make them used to valuing other things. Above all, each other, now they finally have the chance.

'Someone once asked me what I'm most afraid of, and my brain sent me back to my childhood.' Alicia begins quietly, folding her hands atop of her stomach. 'Every night, dinner would be ready by 8 and my mam would wait for my dad to arrive before she started eating. When he— when he fell out of love...'

'It's alright,' he whispers, though he knows it is probably not. As she sniffles and pulls the blanket closer to her chin, Ethan feels his own emotions suddenly repress further into the base of his throat. It is a burning, aching sensation like no other. If he could take the pain and feel it himself, he would twice over.

Rubbing eyes with her knuckles, she continues. 'Sorry. Anyway. Things changed after all the cheating stuff came about — he started coming home later. Sometimes it would be an hour, sometimes three hours. After a while, my mam started losing weight and the bags under her eyes were more and more visible. She refused to eat and sleep until he came home. I was no longer scared of monsters under my bed, or needles, spiders, even the dark. I was scared of loving someone and them suddenly not loving me back.'

He is tracing circles on her back; his hand a warm and heavy weight of reassurance. 'How old were you?'

'Twelve, I think.' She mumbles. 'Maybe a bit younger, though.'

'The age a girl is just teetering on the borders of the world of love.' Ethan says. 'I suppose being an only child can't have helped your situation a great deal.'

Alicia laughs lightly. 'I don't know. I was often thankful that it was just me. If another child had been in the mix, I don't think it would've made things any more harmonious.'

'Moral support though.' He muses. 'A sibling is a great source of companionship.'

'I never really thought about it to be honest. I just feel like watching it unfold stripped me of my innocence. I shouldn't grumble, I mean, they gave me everything I wanted. Paid for my private tuition, helped me into med school, I lived in a nice house. My upbringing was very fortunate.'

'You are allowed to wish the dynamic had been different. It is psychologically scarring, something like that. Watching that has caused problems for you, and—'

'I'm destruction on legs, really.'

Ethan's eyes widen. 'I didn't mean...'

'I know you didn't. I said it, not you.' She sighs. 'You are right though. And if that's why I've ever struggled with settling down, letting people in, that's why. Love seems so frightening, so temporary. The idea of it lasting seems inconceivable.'

'You just haven't been a witness to the beautiful parts, I think.' He adds solemnly. 'What we have could be the most wonderful thing, I know it's scary, but these things aren't bound within the pages of a fairytale book. It happens. I'm a sucker for a cheesy analogy, but it's like a recipe. Connection, effort, trust, love—'

She giggles, dropping her eyes yet linking her fingers with his. 'Vomit worthy.'

With a little frown, he tilts her chin upwards with one index finger. 'But true. I love you.'

They lie there a little while, his three words hanging in the air. It is the first time either has said them for months and months. In many ways, it feels wrong, like something that shouldn't be happening. A heart to heart would naturally end with them being physically heart to heart. Saying it was inevitable. It wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of who.

'Was that too much?' He asks tentatively.

'No,' she shakes her head lightly, taking his hand and placing it on the side of her neck.

His fingers hover there for a moment. 'What am I checking for?'

'Pulse.'

'Perfectly normal, if a little fast.' He answers confidently after several seconds.

'There you are, physical proof.'

'Of what?'

She stretches upwards a little so their lips meet, an effort to build on what she's trying to illustrate. 'Even if I don't say the words, it doesn't mean I can't show you how I feel.'

Tiny one-shot because I had an idea for it a while back — I write anyway because I enjoy it, I only upload to here in the hope that there's silent fans of Etica too. I am hoping to update my other stories at varying intervals, inc. one of my Lily and Iain ones, but I'm very busy at the moment! Thanks for reading, do let me know what you think if you've got a spare minute at all :)