Title: Home is Where The Heart is
Rating: M/R/NC-17/Whatever is worse
Summary: Inspired by kat7077's allenkanda fic, Cuckoo Cuckoo (community./allenkanda/58135.html#cutid1), where the war is over and Allen and Kanda's love is beautiful in a sort of tragic way.
Author's Notes: Totally ignores the fact that Allen is the fourteenth, and that's totally a spoiler right there, I'm sorry if that wasn't allowed, but I tried to hide it best I could .
Disclaimers: I don't own the characters.
Warnings: Porn, swearing, a little violence, etc.
--
In the two months they have travelled, they haven't found Kanda's home yet, and Allen hasn't found the place to build him one. Secretly, though, Allen thinks his home is with Kanda.
The boy has changed, just like they all have in the quiet death of an already forgotten war. The once proud, surly exorcist is now quiet, less aggressive- it's an unwelcome change because, in the old days (days of war, of Lenalee and Komui, of Lavi and Jerry's cooking), some of the things he said to Kanda now would result in a death threat with mugen at his throat. Back then, Kanda was alive with an electricity that snapped at him and attracted him, urged him to fight fire with fire and all that.
Allen can feel himself change, too- he hides more often, like when he was younger, with gloves and hoods and, in the bigger or more religious cities, make-up he bought from an ex-prostitute in Australia. He thinks more often, weighing decisions involving food and distance and money. In the back of his mind, he thinks, this is what life would have been like with out the war. Without the innocence, Akuma, the Order and it's dark-lit comfort.
And then, sometimes, Allen selfishly wishes the war wasn't over- that Tyki Mikk and Rhode were still Noah, that the Earl was his fat, grinning self instead of dust in the wind. The war would mean Lenalee was still alive, Lavi still an exorcist, and Kanda... Kanda would be Kanda.
In the end, he admits that, if the war were to come around again by some freak incident, it would still be different, still so unreal- so he puts the wishes to rest (he refuses to think 'like Lenalee and Krory) and focuses on Kanda.
Kanda, who is asleep on the train heading to a now-safe Edo. Kanda, who is resting on his shoulder at an odd angle that'll hurt later on, though he won't admit it. Kanda, who is still the most beautiful boy Allen has ever seen.
Kanda wakes up just as they pull into the station, into Edo, groggily sitting up and looking around at the public surrounding them. For a minute, Allen can see confusion in his dark eyes- confusion over why they're not in a private cart, confusion as to why they're sitting on the same seat, thighs plastered together in the muggy heat. It soon passes, as it usually does, and instead of palming the hilt of mugen he gets up and grabs what little luggage he has.
Allen could say he's proud of Kanda's progress, of forgetting what he once was, but he's moving at the same pace- instead of looking around cautiously once they exit the train, he focuses on getting through the crowd, like a normal person would.
They move through the station rather easily, as if they still have their coats on- but instead of their uniforms (probably burned or thrown away), they each wear jackets similar in design, Allen's hooded so he can hide his hair. It doesn't stop the men and women from staring when he accidently bumps into them and apologizes in stilted Japanese, but in the dark of the hood Allen quietly feels like he's still of use to the world.
Once they walk through the station, they are outside in Edo- bright and gaudy, beautiful in a claustrophobic way; Allen wants to shield his eyes but doesn't, and instead keeps on walking, Kanda trailing behind and cursing in English every time someone bumps into him. If it was the war, Allen thinks, before carefully stopping himself from going further.
Finally, Kanda comes to his rescue when he accidently asks an old man if he wants to go to a bathroom instead of asking how to get directions to the nearest hotel. He speaks in brisk Japanese, in a tongue that's used to English, but it gets the job done- soon, they are heading towards a cheap hotel whose name translates into 'The Owl's Bed'; Allen has never bothered asking Kanda why the Japanese have such weird names for things.
After checking in to what Allen understands is seven dollars and fifty cents a night, they head for their room and soon realize there is only one single bed. He is about to protest, say they can go get another bed if he wants, when Kanda throws his suit case on the floor and heads to the public washroom, leaving Allen alone and stirring in his own nervousness.
Ever since the kiss at the castle (no longer headquarters, he has to keep reminding himself), they have made no move to go any further; Allen because he's afraid that, if he goes to kiss Kanda, Kanda will leave and Kanda, because... Well, he has no clue what Kanda is thinking, but Allen thinks by accepting the bed he's kind of accepting them as they are. Together, in a sense.
With this in mind Allen heads towards the bed.
By the time Kanda gets out of the bathroom, he has fallen asleep in the bed, shoes still on and hood still covering his hair.
When he wakes up it is in the curl of Kanda's arms, boots off and hood pushed down. His own breath gusts back in his face when it hits him how close he is to Kanda's collarbone- close enough to press his lips to the skin, to make a trail with his tongue.
His breath hitches and that is when he realizes Kanda is awake- his breath is uneven, knuckles tight against Allen's back, heart going far too fast for rest.
Before he can say anything, maybe do something, Kanda abruptly turns over and he faces a clothed back, tense shoulders, messy hair. He goes to sleep restless, unsure of where to put his hands.
When he wakes up, Kanda is half dressed- he gets a glimpse of strong shoulders, the soft curve of his back, before the shirt is pulled over and Kanda turns around, catching his eyes.
He says nothing, just curls his lips, and tells him to get ready.
They spend the day hunting for jobs that'll pay a quick dollar. Kanda, unsurprisingly, finds a job easily as a delivery boy for a small restaurant. Allen, unsurprisingly, does not find a job; he tried roping in some Japanese hoodlums for a quick game of poker, but Kanda was on a delivery run and half way through the game he had a knife at his throat and threatening, garbled english aimed at him that he somehow translated into 'give me my money or I'll kill you.'
By the end of the day they are left with twenty dollars in cash and the taste of old soba in their mouths.
One of the worst things about the end of the war is that Allen's hunger has not abated- at all. It still consumes him, so much that he is in a constant state of starvation. He has come to terms with it, though, even if he does eat two plates of soba instead of one.
This is something he never tells Kanda, even if he thinks he knows- his stomach mourns the lack of food at all times during the day and night, and even if he tries to hide it with chatter Kanda has more than once gave him that look, the one which makes him feel inadequate and stupid.
That night, they go to sleep at the same time, backs turned, eyes open.
The next day a circus rolls into town and Allen, with his experience, goes with Kanda.
They find the manager with difficulty, about an hour and a half of searching for him, and Kanda asks him for a job for the both of them. The manager, a short, pudgy man with a curly moustache, offers Kanda a position as the person who runs the Ferris wheel. When his gaze turns on Allen, he eyes him critically; then his eyes light up and he turns to Kanda, talking excitedly, hands up in the air in a grand gesture.
It is two seconds and then, suddenly, the manager is on the floor, screaming as Kanda punches him. It is reaction that causes Allen to tackle him and drag Kanda, who is yelling and cursing in rapid fire Japanese, away from the small tent before the manager can gather his wits.
They make it to behind the House of Mirrors when Allen finally stops, whirling on Kanda, frowning.
"What was that?" He whispers, furiously, gripping the other's wrist. "You had a job and so did I! Why would you start punching him?"
And Kanda, beautiful boy Kanda, glares at him with an expression of one scorned. They stare at each other for a total of three minutes before Kanda grits his teeth, spits out his words as if they were poison.
"He was trying to put you in the freak show, you idiot." He says, pushing the words out with hatred radiating off his body for the little man he had almost killed. "As the 'Cursed Boy'."
Allen stares at him with something akin to wonder as understanding dawns on his face. And he thinks- Oh. This is why Kanda is my home. This is why Kanda is my beautiful boy.
Before he can stop himself his hands are on Kanda's face and he is pressing his mouth to Kanda's, hard, desperately, pouring all his love and soul in the kiss. Kanda, Kanda grips his arms and presses back, accepting all his love, not afraid of the cursed boy.
When he pulls away he leans his head against Kanda's chest, concentrating on breathing, living, being here with the Kanda and only Kanda. His mind whispers a forgotten song and when he speaks, his voice is hoarse with the love in it.
"Kanda." He says. "I love you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes."
They head back to their room, silent, and get ready for bed, silent.
Kanda had said nothing when he had confessed his love, again, only looked at him before pulling away and walking. The only sign that he was waiting for Allen is when he had stalled twenty paces away, then sped up once he was two steps behind. This is the way it should be, he had thought, following Kanda's brisk strides, quietly stirring in his own emotions.
Allen sleeps a restless sleep, again- he never dreams anymore, and he wonders if it is because he is with Kanda- before he wakes up to breathing in his ear and a gentle stirring in his soul.
Kanda has his hands clenched around his arms, which had come to rest on Kanda's hips some time during the night. This is when he notices that Kanda is hard, pressed against his thigh which rests neatly between Kanda's knees.
The silence of awareness is broken when Kanda speaks, voice deep, trembling with what Allen thinks might be restraint- hopes is restraint.
"Why do you keep telling me you-" He chokes on his own words for a second, unsure in the face of what Allen is sure is love in it's entirety. "You love me?"
Allen looks up into dark eyes, and thinks My beautiful boy.
"Because you're all I have." He says, truthfully, eyelashes fluttering. Thoughtfully, he adds on to his statement. "And you're all I want."
Kanda looks at him- really looks at him- and says nothing, mouth turned down, eyes dark and clear, and he takes this as an invitation to kiss the other man.
And the kiss is slow and full of longing- Allen traces Kanda's mouth with his lips and tongue and Kanda responds by gently brushing back, hands grasping his sides so Allen's arms can come up and wrap around his neck. It's like that for awhile and he slowly becomes hard from the tenderness in it.
He tears his mouth away, gasps into Kanda's mouth to stop, and when the other boy looks at him he doesn't know what to say, because this is Kanda- this is how Kanda was before, and how he is after, and the emotions in his eyes have never changed, just dulled.
"Please, Kanda." He whimpers, pressing his hips to Kanda's, mouth lax. "Please?"
And that's all he says, but the black-haired man seems to get it- his mouth crashes back onto Allen's but it seems much more frenzied, the way Kanda is pulling at the buttons on his shirt and the way Allen is trying to pull of Kanda's night shirt through sheer force.
Kanda's fingers finally get through his last button and he pushes Allen's shirt off, dragging blunt nails in a sharp line down his sides, and Allen does actually manage to tear off Kanda's shirt- which he'll regret later, even if it was a two dollar night shirt, but it's still two dollars- and with the new skin he drags his hands down Kanda's back, cups his ass and presses their hips closer.
Kanda grunts, and Allen rolls his hips again, gasping because, fuck, the friction is delicious. It burns- he half remembers times alone in his corridors, biting the collar of his shirt as not to be to loud while he fucked himself on his fingers, rubbed his hips in desperate motions on the bed.
Kanda bites his shoulder, aggresively, thrusts into Allen and he bends his head, breathing loudly through his nose as his hand goes to undo Kanda's pants
It only takes a few seconds but it's still a few seconds to long when he finall pulls out Kanda's cock, slick with precum and warm in his hand. For a second, he isn't sure what to do- talks in smoky rooms and reading what was forced into his hands doesn't go as far as it should- but he moves his hand slowly over the head and Kanda hisses into his neck, pausing, body tight.
Kanda leans up after a second, when Allen's hand had started to move, and jumps off the bed to take off the rest of his pants. Allen takes what little time he has and does the same, hissing as his own cock gets free of his underwear and rests, heavy, against his stomach. He feels Kanda's eyes on him and he looks up, takes a deep breath at the look in Kanda's eyes.
Kanda crawls back up onto the bed, kisses him when he leans forward, hands trailing down his sides and making random designs until Allen moans into his mouth, unable to want anyting else.
Kanda tells him to turn over and Allen does, face pressed into the mattress, moaning as Kanda does something atrociously wicked with his tongue to Allen's ass that makes his back arch into the mattress and his breath come in stuttering leaps.
Then Kanda finally enters him, slowly, pressing his cock into Allen, slowly, until he moans, long, hard, still so slowly- he's practically quivering with everything Kanda has to offer him.
Kanda finally presses fully into him, cock buried deep, hips flush against his back, gasping in his ear, hands on his hips, and Allen presses back, saying "Kanda, Kanda, fuck, please. Hard."
And Kanda, Kanda listens, and Allen can't be anywhere else in the world, because he's here with Kanda- Kanda, his beautiful boy, his home, himself, all in one.
--
When he wakes, it is to the sound of Kanda breathing heavily in his ear, to the weight of his arms and the remnants of his love, sticky on his skin and the bed and really, everywhere. Of course this makes him blush because, after months of quelling his thoughts, stalling his heads, and thinking very unsexy things when Kanda was stripping, it was odd to have it come out in one explosive... thing, which Allen knows is love in sex form.
Today, though, he can think of him and know Kanda is still Kanda, Kanda of way back when. Just dulled, like a sword after a war. Dull, like sharp nails that have been cut. Dull, like a cross that has been palmed to many times.
In the end, though, Allen knows Kanda is Kanda, and that is all Allen needs.
So when the boy wakes up, stretches and tightens his muscles and waking up slow as those with low blood pressure are want to do, Allen turns around and kisses him on the mouth softly, smiling when Kanda does nothing but blink at him owlishly.
His mouth opens and he smiles, because even if Kanda will never say it Allen knows.
"Morning." He says, his deformed hand resting over Kanda's heart. "We have a lot to do today."
This is where another life starts, where Kanda can hold his hand in the street and Allen can leave his make-up in the hands of a little girl with wide eyes. Where Allen gets a job as a piano player in a cheap theatre and Kanda starts teaching older men how to defend and kill in a dojo. Where Allen becomes famous locally and a more human war starts, one which neither Kanda or Allen can participate in because they're too old to be heroes anymore.
And, finally, where Death is quick and swift in the night, leaving one in tears and the other lying, silent, because his home has been found in a little place where the saying goes true- home is where the heart is.