Title: As the Wheel Turns
Author: Storm Bringer
Rating: PG
E-mail: the_storm_bringer@hotmail.com
Author's Notes: This is just a really dopey spamfic that I thought up the other day. It's a fusion between Ranma ½ and the Wheel of Time series. This is for pure enjoyment only, so please don't flame me because I totally mangled both series. I sorta did that on purpose.
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me.
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Ukyou Trakand, Shampoo of the Bitter Water sept of the Taardad Aiel, and Akane all sat together in a large room glaring at one another.
"I can't believe he slept with all three of us!" exclaimed Ukyou.
"Jerk!" muttered Akane
"Something has to be done," stated Shampoo.
Ukyou stood up with a defiant look on her face. "Right! We're gonna go find him and teach him that he can't jerk us around like that!"
"Yes," agreed Shampoo, joining her friend. "We can't let him get away with this. I'm gonna... Akane, why are you staring at me like that?"
"That funny looking pink cat that I always see floating around your head is back again. I wonder what it means."
"Who cares!" bellowed Ukyou. "We have more important things to deal with right now."
Akane stood up. "You're right. Let's go find Ranma and pound him into the ground!"
As one, the three girls stomped from the room and went in search of their prey. Seeing the angry looks on all of their faces, as well as the glowing blue auras encompassing each of them, the palace servants wisely kept out of their way.
"There he is!" shouted Ukyou, pointing to a man with his black hair done up in a pigtail. "Ranma al'Thor, you're in big trouble, jackass!"
Ranma swallowed hard. "Uh oh. I think it's time I was somewhere else."
"Hey!" bellowed Akane. "He's running! Get back here jerk!" All three girls tore off after the fleeing man.
Ranma was making good time and was sure he would be able to outrun the three girls pursuing him, when suddenly someone wielding a sword stepped into his path, bringing him up short with an audible groan.
"I am Tatewaki Trakand, the Blue Thunder of Caemlyn," declared the man in an important sounding voice. "Not only have you stolen the virtue of my sister, you have also tainted the soul of my beloved Akane! Prepare to die, infidel!"
"Idiot," muttered Ranma, ducking down a side hall to avoid the lunatic.
Meanwhile, in a place very, very, very far away from the city of Caemlyn, a young man with yellow eyes that matched his yellow and black bandanna was slogging his way down an unfamiliar road.
"Now where am I?" he asked himself, his frustration at being lost apparent in the tone of his voice. "Akari!" he shouted up into the heavens. "I'll find you! Dammit, this is all Ranma's fault! If he wasn't ta'veren then Akari wouldn't have been kidnapped by those Aiel!"
"Hello," said someone.
Looking around, the young man spotted what he first took to be a kid. He was short, with brown hair done up in a topknot. The kid was wearing what had to be some of the ugliest clothing the young man had ever seen. His entire outfit was done in bright blues, garish yellows, and brilliant greens and reds. Several pouches were hanging from his belt.
"Are you lost?" asked the kid. "Because, you know, you look lost. I've been lost before, and I can honestly say that it can be a very enjoyable experience. You never know where you're going to end up and that, of course, is one of the best things about traveling. I'm Tasslehoff Burrfoot, by the way," he said, extending his small hand.
Taking the proffered hand, the young man said, "Ryoga Ayabara, and yeah, I'm lost. You didn't happen to see a few clans of Aiel pass this way, did you?"
"What's an Aiel? No, I don't think I saw any. You know, Raistlin had eyes that looked a bit like yours. His were more golden then yellow though, and they were shaped like hourglasses. Are you a mage like he was? You don't look like any mage I've ever seen. They're always dressed in robes and they carry sticks around. You have an umbrella though, so I guess that counts as a staff of sorts. Oof! Gee, it sure is a heavy umbrella, huh?"
"What? Hey! Give that back," demanded Ryoga, snatching his umbrella back from Tasslehoff. "And my pack too! Those are my pouches! Give 'em back! Where the hell did my shoes go!"
Back in Caemlyn...
The wall ahead of Ranma exploded inwards, sending a shower of stone shrapnel everywhere. Ranma sensed channeling, and immediately took hold of the Source himself. When a man dressed all in black with long white hair stepped through the hole followed closely by two asha'man, he was glad the One Power was flowing through him.
"Herb! What are you doing here?"
The man shrugged. "Well, you know. I decided that since everyone else was out to get you today, I'd just go ahead and rebel. Mint, Lime, get him."
The two asha'man surged forward, and Ranma lashed out with the Power. He was far stronger then either of them, and they were both sent sprawling. Not waiting for Herb to counter attack, he made his own door in the side of the wall and took off like a bat out of the Blight. Behind him, he could hear the angry sounds of pursuit.
He was brought up short once more as he almost ran down a short, wrinkled old lady clutching a staff bigger than she was.
"Cadsuane!" he exclaimed. "What are—"
The woman bonked him in the head with her staff. "Don't speak to me in that tone of voice young man!"
"But—" Bonk! "Will you—" Bonk! "I said—" BONK! "Stop that!" he snapped, catching her staff and jerking it out of her hands. "I'm outta here," he declared, tossing her staff aside and bolting down the nearest corridor.
Maids scurried out of his way as he ran, their wide-eyed looks directed back along the hallway in search of what he was running from. Anything that could make the Dragon Reborn afraid would surely eat them for lunch.
Flip up some of their skirts! shouted a voice in the back of Ranma's head.
He came to a dead stop. "What? Who's there?"
The maids! Flip up their skirts so I can see their panties!
"Is that you, Lews Therin?"
Will you flip up their skirts if I say yes?
"NO!"
Then no, I'm not Lews Therin. He was here a minute ago, but stuffed him into a sake jar. Hey look! That maid's got an armload of laundry! I bet there are some panties in there! Let's go get 'em!
"Get outta my head, you little freak!"
Make me!
"There he is!" shouted someone from back the way Ranma had come.
Whirling around, he saw a mob of people charging towards him, all with the intent of ripping him into little pieces. "I hate my life," he muttered, turning to run once again.
Turning a sharp corner, Ranma lost sight of the trailing pack and they lost sight of him. Thinking fast, he ducked inside the nearest room and released the Source so Herb couldn't track him. Leaning against the door, he took a moment to catch his breath.
Suddenly a gateway appeared in the middle of the room and a girl with light brown hair in a pageboy cut stepped into the room.
"There you are, Ranma," said Nabiki al'Vere. "I've been looking all over for you. You need to come to the White Tower and yield to me, the Amyrlin."
"OOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!" A second gate appeared and a woman with black hair done up in a ponytail stepped into the room. "I, Kodachi do Avriny a'Roihan, am the true Amyrlin! You must bow before me, Ranma al'Thor! And then we can get married!"
"Look!" shouted Ranma, pointing across the room. "It's the Dark One!" Kodachi looked, Nabiki just grinned at him. "It was worth a shot," he muttered before flinging the door open and rushing back out into the hall.
"Oh, hello Ranma," said Kasumi al'Meara in an odd, detached voice.
Ranma gazed down at the big, dopey smile and slightly glazed eyes of the former Wisdom of Emond's Field, and then looked up at Tofu Gaidin, who stood at his wife's side.
"So that's what being married does to ya," he said to himself. Suddenly he was tackled from behind.
"Ranma darling! That was a mean trick you played on me!"
"Let go, Kodachi! I'm not going anywhere with you!"
"I have you now cretin!" roared a familiar voice. Ranma looked up to see Tatewaki standing over him. "I see you have seduced yet another poor soul, vile fiend! Payment for your crimes shall be extracted now!" He raised his sword over his head.
Whether Tatewaki would have been able to skewer Ranma or the pigtailed boy would have simply channeled him into oblivion was never discovered. This was because, at that moment, the entire mob that had been chasing Ranma fell on him like a pack of starving wolves on a sickly cow.
The people of Caemlyn were treated to quite a sight that afternoon. They had never, before that day, seen anything resembling a full nuclear explosion. Many and all were quite impressed by what they saw. The only problem any of them seemed to find with the display was that Caemlyn no longer seemed to have a royal palace.