title: all the wrong things on fire
playlist/inspiration: Wedding Dress- Matt Nathanson (please I beg of you listen to this while you read), Daylight- Maroon5, Wake Me Up- Ed Sheeran, I'm Alright- Jersey Green.
disclaimer: again I don't own anything and I probs never will
warnings: T for implications, situations, a bit of language, and I guess it's OOC a bit.
"The problem with moving on , is that you are often also leaving someone behind."
He guesses that all he really wants is for her to be happy (he does still love her, after all), but the selfish part of him wishes his own happiness didn't have to be sacrificed for that to happen.
She asks to meet him in a little coffee shop downtown and it sparks a stupid glimmer of hope that maybe she doesn't want it all to be over just yet. But, like he said, it was stupid.
Six months? He wonders. Was that really all she needed to get over him?
Because he was pretty damn sure he'd be spending the rest of his life trying to get over her.
"I…" She starts. "Are you okay? You know, with all of this?" She whispers delicately, (because she does still care about him, after all.)
"Yeah!" He exclaims. "Of course I am!"
(No.)
/
He remembers how it all deteriorated. He remembers how she gave up.
He remembers how much of it was his fault.
The fourth year of their marriage, ninth year of partnership, and twenty-fourth year of living, was the hardest. Though it had never really been easy.
The thing was, he never really thought it would be his career that ruined them, when it had been the first thing that brought them together. But, then again, back then she was only committed to being his music partner. Not his wife.
In truth, he should've known. They were opposites from the start, that's what made them Austin&Ally.
But then, inevitably, they grew up. And opposites stopped attracting and started throwing them on two different trajectories and suddenly it wasn't Austin&Ally, it was Austin Moon and Ally Dawson.
Two different people, two different lives, too different to be together.
He remembers how hard she'd worked to get her teaching degree, how proud he was when she graduated, how upset he was that he was in Dubai and couldn't see it.
Year after year, he'd go on tours and gain more fans and do more photoshoots and she'd be busy becoming a better person and helping society.
He thought they could make it work. He thought their love was too strong to be broken. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, that's what he'd believed.
She believed in it too, originally. She'd made her vows and worn the ring and loved him as much as she could from different continents. But she, as much as she "loved love", was always the rational one in the relationship, and she was starting to become more used to being alone than she was to having him be there.
So it ended, in tears and fights and long sleepless nights and they waited for awhile before realizing things weren't going to ever be the same.
/
"How do you just stop loving someone?" He'd yelled, during one of the last days of their marriage.
She thought about it, over and over, but she'd never thought of an answer. Because, truth was, she hadn't stopped loving him. And, she suspected, she never really would. He was her first love, that wouldn't ever change. Wasn't there a saying, something along the lines of "you never forget your first love"?
And she couldn't, nor did she want to. He was, first and foremost, her best friend. Plus, his face was plastered all over magazines and talk shows and basically everywhere.
No one forgot Austin Moon.
The thing was, being in love with Ethan was easy. He was good for her. He was stable, he was highly intelligent and organized and he sent her sappy love messages and he was gentle and subtle in all the ways that Austin was wild. She never questioned when he'd be home or what city he was in but he never quite gave her those sparks she felt with Austin.
(And he didn't pull her out of her shell and make her a more exciting person and make her fall so hard in love with him like Austin.)
But that was okay.
He made her happy.
And that was good enough.
/
It's like karma, right? All those times he'd gone out with various random girls that weren't Ally and asked for Ally's advice and her songs and her sacrifices, this was his payback for all of that, right?
(Except he'd never made a lifelong commitment to any of those girls. That was reserved for Ally.)
Somehow, he gets roped into helping with the wedding. Wasn't this Trish's job?
Then again, she'd never actually kept one of those for very long.
"What do you think of this one?" She asks, twirling around in a long dress with a sparkling beads around the bust.
"It looks great." He grins.
She rolls her eyes and smiles. "Babe, you can't say that about every one of them."
Her eyes widen, realizing her mistake. She grimaces.
"Sorry. Force of habit."
He shakes his head. "No, no. It's okay."
(He'd wanted to hear her say that one more time, anyways.)
"But seriously, Austin, I need to narrow it down. The wedding's only like a month away."
It's all too quick for him, honestly. Less than a year ago, they'd still been married. But then again, ten years probably wouldn't be a sufficient amount of time for him to get over it, either.
She gestures to the rack of dresses they'd both agreed on liking.
"Want to at least help me narrow it down to the top ten?" She smirks.
They sift through the silky gowns and briefly, their hands touch, and they share a flustered glance but say nothing else of it.
"So I'm thinking either this short one with the tulle skirt would be good for a beach wedding, but I really like the beading on the skirt of this one. Which one do you like better?"
He snaps out of his trance, which he hadn't been aware he was in.
"Yes."
She rolls her eyes again. "Austin, it wasn't a yes or no question."
"No?" He jokes, and she shoves him playfully.
He wonders if she feels the sparks, too.
"No. I asked you which dress you prefer." She holds them both up, and he knows that whichever one she picks is going to be so beautiful, it'll quietly rip him in two.
"The shorter one. Better for a beach wedding."
She beams. "Okay!"
He misses the days when that smile was his.
/
The rehearsal dinner is one of the single hardest days of his life, though he's pretty sure her wedding day is going to be a thousand times harder.
It's times like these where he channels his inner performer and puts on the stupid fake smile, the one that reassures the world that he's okay and still on top of his game and certainly is not still in love with Ally Dawson.
But honestly, Austin Moon's heart is breaking.
He watches her walk down the aisle from the first row, and it brings back memories of the first time he saw this, when he was the man at the other end of the aisle, how very much in love he was and how excited he'd been. And for a moment, he was happy.
She still looks as beautiful at twenty-five as she did at fifteen.
Her dress, the short one he'd suggested, flows down her legs and she walks with an amount of grace that, ten years ago, he never would have assumed Ally Dawson would be capable of.
She looks like an angel.
At dinner, he's seated right next to her, an arrangement he both loves and despises.
She laughs and smiles and chats animatedly and holds hands with Ethan under the table (they used to do that, too) and he sits quietly, picking unenthusiastically at his food.
He watches them kiss and he tries not to cry.
"I'm yours. Forever." He hears her whisper to her fiancée, and he feels his heart shrivel in his chest.
You were mine once, he thinks.
And I'm still yours.
/
The night after Austin and Ally's wedding, he had almost nothing on his mind except getting them to bed, but Ally had other ideas.
"This is crazy." She'd laughed, brown eyes sparkling brightly. Her perfectly curled hair was starting to unravel itself and her makeup was starting to smear, but he had never seen his wife so beautiful.
Wife. Ally Dawson was his wife. She was lawfully and emotionally committed to him, forever.
He could get used to that.
"Austin and Ally Moon." She was rambling. "Mrs. Austin Moon." She'd plopped herself down on the couch of their hotel room, slipping her heels off and throwing them to the other side of the room.
"I quite like the sound of that." She'd giggled. "I should get labels made."
He'd sat down next to her on the couch and placed his hand on her leg.
"You see, this is why I love you. We are a Grammy-winning musical powerhouse, we just got married, we are sitting here in the presidential suite of one of the best hotels in New York City, and you're thinking about mailing labels."
She smirks and rolls her eyes. "Yes, well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you did just get hitched to boring old Ally Dawson, over-organizer and buzzkill extraordinaire.
He looks her in the eyes and shakes his head.
"You're not boring. You're perfect."
He smiles shyly at her, and she gives him one of her trademark smiles in return.
"I love you."
She leans up to kiss him, and he feels his pulse race a little bit faster inside his ribcage.
That was another one of his favorite things about Ally, it didn't matter how many times he kissed her, every time he did, it still felt brand-new.
"You wanna take this to the bed?" He whispers softly against her lips.
She nods slightly.
Long story short, no matter how many Grammys he'd attended, how many concerts he performed at, that had probably been his favorite night ever.
/
"Oh my God. What if there's not enough drinks for everybody. Oh my God, I completely forgot that Dallas and Katelyn dated once. They cannot be seated together and oh my God this seating chart is all wrong and everything is just extremely wrong and I am screwing this all up and-"
He grabs her wrist. "Ally. Listen to me. I tell you this as your best friend and as someone who cares about you. You need to calm the hell down."
She frees her wrist from his grasp and presses her hand against her forehead. "I cannot calm down, Austin. Need I remind you, the wedding is tomorrow, and everything has to be perfect." She hisses exasperatedly, straightening a placard on one of the blue cloth-covered tables.
He shakes his head. "Wow, were you this crazy before our wedding?"
He likes bringing up their wedding a lot these days, always hoping for the off chance that it'll spark something in her and she'll call this whole thing off.
"Yes, actually, I was, but you were too busy partying it up with other A-list celebrities to notice!" She snaps bitterly.
He gives her a slightly pained expression.
"Sorry." She shakes her head. "Pre-wedding jitters, y'know? This is my second- and hopefully last- time doing this, and I don't want it to end up screwed up like the first time."
Okay. That one hurt.
"Ally, I assure you, everything's going to go fine. The rehearsal went fine, right? Besides, the guy you're marrying is going to be too focused on you to care about the minute details. At least, I know I was. But isn't he the one who really matters here?"
Damn it, where's his Oscar already? Doesn't he deserve something for playing this role without having an emotional breakdown?
She decides to gloss right over his "I know I was" comment. "Yes, the rehearsal went fine, but there's a big difference between a rehearsal and the real thing. And of course Ethan's the most important part of this wedding to me, but it's my last chance at my special day, but I want it to be flawless. And there's millions of ways that things could go wrong.."
"But everything's going to go right, Ally."
"You don't know that!" She screams.
She pauses for a moment looks down at the wooden floor and scuffs it with her white flats. "We're fighting again, aren't we?"
He nods, but doesn't say anything.
"It makes me glad that we're finished."
He looks up at her, pain in his eyes. His façade is slipping.
She frowns. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
A placard tips over on its side, and he places it upright.
"No. No, it's okay. You're right. Uh, I'm going to go make sure the all the cups are stacked."
In a way, he wants to get over her.
But he knows he's going to keep holding on.
/
His back is pressed up against the cold porcelain of his bathtub, shotgun in hand.
It's going to be easier this way. He tells himself. You won't have to miss her anymore.
It turns out letting go of Ally was harder than he'd ever expected.
She'd been his life, and if he couldn't have her, what made life worth living?
He's been at war with himself for the past half-hour, putting his fingers on the trigger and then pulling them back.
Just do it, Austin. She won't care anyways.
And you won't have to, either.
Was it really worth ending his life over a girl?
(If the girl in question was Ally Dawson, his answer was yes.)
Every time he gets close to putting the trigger to his head, his own damn thoughts interrupt him.
He'd never actually had a use for the gun before, he'd gotten it when Ally moved in with him, just in case an intruder had ever broken in and he'd need it to protect her.
Then protect her with it now, Austin. If you pull the trigger, she won't have to see your face anymore. She won't have to be reminded of all the times you left her behind.
The demons in his head were incessantly whispering to him, quickly beginning to overtake his last glimmering thoughts of hope.
Slowly, he raises the gun to his head.
But if you did it, wouldn't you be leaving her behind again?
He sets it down, hearing it clatter against the tiles of the bathroom floor.
Without You chimes through his phone, which he'd forgotten was in his back pocket.
That was Ally's ringtone.
He tries to clear the tears from his throat before he answers.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Austin, it's me. So um, it's supposed to be my bachelorette party or whatever, but considering I'm by myself, it's not much of a party. Do you think it'd be okay if I came over? I want to spend the night with somebody."
Hearing her voice is quickly bringing him back to the edge.
"I-I'm sorry, Ally. I'm so sorry." He sobs.
"Sorry? Sorry for what? Austin, are you okay?"
He picks the gun back up.
"Austin, I'm in the car on the way to your house. Is everything okay?"
(Of course everything's okay.)
(noAllyeverything'snotokaynothing'sokayanymoreyou'remarryinganotherguyandI'mstillinlovewithyou)
He holds it up to his temple.
"Austin?!"
The world goes black.
/
"Austin? Oh my God, thank God, you're okay."
He blinks, attempting to refamiliarize himself with the world.
"Where am I?" He asks blearily.
"You're in your bed, you doofus."
He looks to his side, recognizing the bloodred bed sheets as his own.
"What time is it?"
"Ten thirty pm."
He nods, and she waits for him to ask the inevitable question.
"What happened? Am I dead?"
She laughs. "Yes, Austin, you're dead. That's why you're in your bed and I'm standing next to you."
"I don't know, I always figured that when I died, you'd be the angel that would guide me." He murmurs, not realizing what he was saying.
She purses her lips.
"Oh. Well, no, you're very much alive."
He rolls over, away from her.
"Damn it." He remarks.
"Hey, don't say that!" She scolds him, placing her hand on his bare back.
He wonders if she feels the tingles, too.
"Why didn't I die?" He asks desperately, tears welling up again.
"Because you didn't pull the trigger."
"Yes I did."
"No. You were about to, but luckily I got here right before you could and I yanked you up and knocked it out of your hand. However, you fell against the edge of the bathtub and hit your head. I guess it knocked you unconscious."
"I don't know if I'd consider that particularly lucky." He spits bitterly.
"Hey." She moves her hand from his back to his arm and squeezes it gently. "Don't say that."
He grumbles.
"Why, Austin? Where's the Austin I know, the one who was full of sunshine and guitar rhythms?"
"Oh, I don't know. Back in 2021, when you married him?"
She sits down on the edge of his bed.
"So that's what this is about? Me?"
Reluctantly, he nods.
Her brown eyes sting with tears.
"You look pretty." He remarks.
"Stop complimenting me." She tells him, lying down next to him on the bed and wrapping her arm around his waist.
"I was just stating my truth."
They lay there in silence for a moment, both trying hard to fight off the memories of the last time they'd been together like this.
"You're not helping the getting-over-you situation, Ally." He states.
She laughs spitefully, a tear spilling out down her cheek.
"I wasn't trying to be funny."
"No, I know. But do you want to know what I find funny? I find it funny, positively hilarious, that you, Austin Moon, are a multi-platinum, Grammy-winning artist, who I'm pretty sure was voted People's "Hottest Guy on Earth" last year, and who could probably pick up any random girl off the street and make her fall in love with you, if you wanted, and you're here, almost committing suicide over boring old Ally Dawson."
He turns back towards her and locks their eyes. "You're not boring. You're perfect." He tells her, reminiscent of their very first night as a married couple.
A waterfall of tears starts spilling out of her eyes and onto his pillows.
(He doesn't mind. He didn't sleep on that side of the bed anyways. To him, it was still Ally's side.)
"You know, you're not making this any easier for me, either."
"Easier for you to do what?"
"To get married tomorrow, Austin! You do not know how many nights I have stayed up, crying, trying to be quiet so I wouldn't wake Ethan up, trying to convince myself that I was making the right decision to move on from you and marry him! Because I don't care how many fights we got into, how many nights I spent by myself when you were on tour, I loved you, Austin! And I will always love you! But you made everything difficult and crazy and it turns out that what I need is calm and orderly, but that will never mean that I don't love you anymore."
"If you still love me, why are you marrying someone else?"
"Because I love him, too. He makes things easy for me. That's what's good for me, Austin. But I adore you, Austin. I always have and I always will."
He stares up at the ceiling for a second. The dark is peaceful.
And then, spontaneously, he kisses her. And she kisses him back.
"I'm sorry. I, I just needed to do that one more time. " He explains.
She shakes her head. "No, it's okay." She wipes her lips on the back of her hand, as if trying to remove the evidence.
"I think I needed that, too."
/
When he wakes up, she's still lying next to him. He strokes her hair, not even wanting to imagine how much he's going to miss it.
Gently, he shakes her awake. "Ally. Get up. You're getting married today."
/
The ceremony is fucking hard. For both of them.
Even walking down the aisle, she contemplates running back, and even watching her from the front row, he contemplates standing up and objecting.
But, they both decide, this is what's best for her.
He chokes back his sobs, but he knows that if he loves her, he's going to have to let her go.
So, he holds his peace.
He watches her vow her life to Ethan, watches her give him a kiss, and tries not to think of all the years she's going to spend with him.
Instead, he thinks about the years she spent with him. That way, he'd have a smile on his face for all the guests to see.
Even if it was for the wrong reasons.
/
"I'd like to make a toast to the bride. And groom." He says, standing up and rapping his knife against his glass of champagne.
"As Ally's ex-husband, I am not going to stand here and tell you that this day has been easy for me. Matter of fact, it's been one of the hardest days of my life." He says, truthfully.
Half of the guests look at him in disgust, and half look at him in confusion. But Ally still beams at him, knowing he's going to make the perfect speech anyways.
And it was her opinion that mattered, right?
"But, as Ally's best friend, I am going to stand here and tell you that I could not be prouder of her, and I could not be happier for Ethan. I hope he appreciates how lucky he is- and though I don't know him very well, I'm sure he does. He just married one of the most wonderful girls on this Earth. And, whether I am her husband, her best friend, or just the guy who stole her song ten years ago, I consider myself very lucky to have graced her presence at all.
Ally Dawson deserves all the happiness on Earth, and Ethan, it looks like that's what you're giving her. So, I wish you both all the love and luck and happiness in the world, and…"
He raises his glass.
"To Ally and Ethan!" He yells enthusiastically.
The wedding guests, now less disgusted with him, lift their glasses up with his.
"To Ally and Ethan!" They chorus, and the newlyweds beam.
Ethan's best friend stands up to make his speech, and Ally looks over at him, eyes twinkling.
"I love you." She mouths, beaming radiantly.
He nods and takes a sip of champagne. "Love you too, Alls."
Maybe everything would be okay, after all.
:::::::::::::::fin:::::::::::::::
A/N: okay you know what I doubt anyone's actually going to read this but I actually effing like this. And I don't remember the last time I actually liked something I wrote.
But I like this.
I sincerely hope you do, too.
(:Tessa:)