Learn My Lesson

by Intrepid Inkweaver

You'd think that he would have learned by now that everyone eventually leaves. That still didn't stop him from falling again. Song fic to Daughtry's Learn my Lesson.

Tonight the sunset means so much
The one thing that you know you'll never touch
Like the feeling, the real thing
I reach out for that sweet dream

I know that it's just a wild dream. I always knew that. I watch as the sun sets on the day that John Watson leaves me. I didn't go to his wedding. I couldn't force myself to, despite knowing how much it would mean to him. Outside of my dreams, he could never love me the way I love him. Beyond my own mind, I will never touch him, never be able to feel his lips against mine. To battle the heartbreak, I lay on my bed, trying to find sleep, where the Watson that loves me lives.

But somehow the darkness wakes me up
I've felt this emptiness before
But all the times that I've been broken
I still run right back for more

Sleep doesn't come, I lie awake with the emptiness, the loneliness that I have known for my entire life. Despite the fact that everyone whom I have ever let get close to my heart has hurt me, I still try. I won't give up on John Watson. I still want him to come and sit with me in front of the fire, to smoke a pipe and laugh like we used to. I still want him there to listen as I make my deductions that will lead us to the criminal we are after.

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You're bound to feel the flame

You'd think that a man as intelligent as me would learn to distance myself before I get hurt. Every time I let myself grow attached, it hurts all the more when they leave me behind. How many times have I felt that flame? Yet I still let myself grow content in Watson's company.

You think that I'd learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven't learned a thing

I still love him. Love is a double edged sword that will always turn around and cut into you to take a piece away every time you allow it to get to you. Despite this, I go through it still. When I fall apart, I put myself back together. The cracks are still there, though.

Sometimes I think I'm better off
To turn out the lights and close up shop
And give up the longing, believing in belonging
Just hold down my head and take the loss

I wonder if it would be better not only for me, but for the people around me to just leave this world. Give up on life. But still I believe in the small flame of hope that still flickers in me. As long as John Watson is still in this world, I won't leave. I can't. Not without him.