Shikamaru's Wife

By: Yumi

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I don't even own the manga. Or those pin things. Not even a sticker. That's how little I own.

What the hell?

Shikamaru looked shocked. As in very shocked. Very, very unpleasantly shocked. Why?

Possibly because he was.

So shocked, he couldn't even mutter his trademark "troublesome." He was left utterly speechless, stunned as one would have it, his body completely rigid from mental overload.

Well, what do you know? Who would have guessed that the lazy kid had the attention span to even look shocked, no less act it.

Tsunade felt rather smug at the moment. She had managed to shock the indolent Nara kid. Looked like the plan was going better than expected.

She cleared her throat loudly. Some sense of composure seemed to have returned to the kid and Tsunade continued explaining the "situation" to him.

"As I was saying," Tsunade started, noting with satisfaction that the boy hadn't moved an inch. "Your mission is to pretend to be her son-in-law. She has an incredible amount of land and money at stake. Her village is governed by old rules and traditions, and unless she has a son or a son-in-law, she will be unable to inherit any of his deceased husband's property. She is concerned that her late husband's young brother will take everything, and rightfully so, so she has asked for our assistance."

"But, Hokage sama," Shikamaru said respectfully, despite his inner turmoil, "You said she's living by herself. I'm not being hasty in assuming she has no daughter, am I correct?"

"No, you weren't be hasty," Tsunade drawled out slowly and then grinned, "but you're also not correct. Our client has a daughter, one close to your age, actually."

"Why is she living alone then?"

"Her daughter was weak since birth and was sent to another village to live in since the climate was unfavorable for her health."

"So you want me to pick her up, act as her husband, and help our client get her share of the heritage?"

"Not exactly." Tsunade was starting to feel that this was one of her more ingenious schemes. "Her daughter is very weak. So weak, in fact, she cannot leave her bed. It's not something that can be healed, otherwise it would have already been done. It would be impossible for her 'happily walk in' to the family reunion with her husband. There is no possible way to convince the village elderly that a girl as sick as her would be able to marry and possibly conceive in the coming years."

"Conceive?" Shikamaru echoed weakly. He didn't like where this was going.

"Well, yes." Tsunade blinked innocently. Shikamaru scowled. "The only way our client can get her hands on any of the property is if her daughter has a child…or will give birth to one. All that matters is if the woman is fertile, as to pass on the family blood."

Shikamaru's logical mind kicked in. "That's a problem. If her daughter can barely get up from the bed, there is no way for her to have a child. There's no way I can 'borrow' a child and let her pretend to be the mother. She's so weak, it's as good as stamping "I am lying' on our heads. She can't pull it off."

"No, she cannot. That's where you come in."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. You will have a partner for this mission. She will pose as our client's daughter and return to her supposed birth village with you, claiming that she is all well and has a unborn child in her womb. A few weeks old is enough, no need to make it too big."

"It won't work, Tsunade sama." Shikamaru was besides himself. "Wouldn't it be strange that her daughter just suddenly got better, married, and got pregnant? What about the original daughter? What do we do with her?"

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "Look, kiddo, I already assigned you the job. How you go about doing it is your problem. You're a jounin, don't start complaining like an genin."

"Tsunade sama," Shikamaru sighed, "Like you said, I'm a jounin. This job is ridiculous."

"I'll decide what is important, Nara." Tsunade took a swing at her sake. Ah, there, better. "Don't be such a spoiled brat. I'm feeling generous, I'll even let you pick your partner."

"Tsunade sama, the problem isn't really who I pick. How am I supposed to find a pregnant kunoichi? Do we even have any of those around? They'll have her condition checked with a doctor for sure." Shikamaru scratched his head. This was so damn troublesome.

And as fate would have it, the ever so sagely Hokage decided it was another one of those things he would have to figure out himself.

Shrugging, Tsunade cast the disgruntled and slightly distressed Nara one more glance before kicking him out of the room.

"You're a smart kid. You'll find an appropriate person."

He had better, she thought expectantly. Her money was on the line.

Nara Shikamaru was a very smart kid. Very smart. He was also very calm. His intelligence, paired with his infinite patience and ability to remain calm, made him a formidable enemy. He was, very much so, a planning extraordinaire.

But how do you plan for something completely ridiculous?

Planning to retrieve one Uchiha Sasuke with four other genin, okay. Planning a fighting strategy against an Akatsuki member, okay. Planning a best man's speech for the wedding of Chouji and Ino, pushing it, but okay.

But planning how to be someone's son-in-law? Find someone to be his wife? His pregnant wife? Not okay. It was one of those "not-okay"s that was really not okay. He didn't know what he did to deserve this. In theory, it might be do-able…but he wasn't very happy about the prospect of finding a kunoichi and figuring out what the hell he could do.

He supposed the logical thing to do first would be to consider his list of possible candidates. Who was pregnant in that list again?

No one.

Oh, well, that was fast. He was back on square one.

Did Tsunade sama expect him to get some poor girl pregnant? He shuddered.

Wait a second…

Shikamaru scowled. The Hokage said something about him being smart….him finding someone appropriate. He gritted his teeth together in annoyance. He should have suspected it sooner. The Hokage clearly had someone appropriate in mind but wasn't telling him. But why would she do that?

Running through his list again, he couldn't come up with a single person who was pregnant. In any case, he reflected, bringing a newly pregnant woman into a mission was not very favorable. Not that he was sexist, but if anything were to happen during the mission that risked her or her baby's life, Shikamaru wouldn't know what to do. If he could, he rather bring someone without the "buy-one-get-one-free" tag on her.

But how do you convince a doctor that someone was pregnant when she clearly wasn't? It really wasn't something that could be faked…could it? Shikamaru jerked his head when the missing pieces fell into place.

That was it. Tsunade sama wanted Shikamaru to bring a medic with him. A medic would surely be able to fool a common doctor into thinking she was pregnant. He didn't know how it would work, but he was sure the medic would.

Medic?

Shikamaru's eyes narrowed. When it came to skill and familiarity, only one person came into mind.

He sighed, tiredly acknowledging that his life just got a lot more troublesome.

Satisfied with her handiwork, Sakura took the tray of test tubs and pushed them into the distilling unit. She cleared her area and after making sure everything was in place, she flicked the light switch and stepped out of the room. Mildly aware of how late it was, Sakura decided that she would head home and have a quiet dinner alone. She loved company, but tonight she was tired and wanted to snuggle in her bed with a nice cup of hot cocoa.

Sakura quickly stripped off her lab jacket once she reached her office, and locked the door with a small 'click.' The junior medics and nurses wished her goodnight, and she waved happily at them before she made her exit. That was, until something stopped her.

"Shikamaru?"

The man in question straightened from his sluggish posture, just slightly, and nodded his head. "Hey, Sakura."

Grinning, Sakura made her way towards the lazy man. "Don't tell me Ino beat you into a pulp again?"

Shikamaru sighed. That was something he didn't want to remember. "No."

"Oh?" Sakura started walking out the hospital, noting that her companion was following her. "Don't tell me you were waiting for me, Shikamaru."

"As a matter of fact, I was."

Not stopping, Sakura looked at Shikamaru curiously. Over the years, they became good friends. The rookie nine all became a close knit bunch, and Sakura found Shikamaru to be particularly easy to talk to. He seemed to like her company too, stating out of the blue, once, that she was a good shougi opponent. She had yet to beat the genius in the game, yet, but she knew she did give the man a run for his money at times. Both intelligent people, they became each other's easy company.

So it wasn't a surprise for him to look for her. Perhaps for some tea and game of shougi…but at night? That seemed a little weird.

Sakura frowned. "Are you injured?"

Shikamaru shook his head in the negative.

"Then what's up?"

Damn. There was no way he could fool Sakura into this. She was too cunning and calculative, which was a good, respectable thing on a normal basis, but not when he was put in this situation. Sakura was known as the lab-bug, for a reason. She hardly left the lab or the hospital, only taking missions that would likely require a high level medic nin. Her field practice, nowadays, came largely from sparring with her teammates and her teachers. He had a feeling Sakura wouldn't appreciate being dragged out on a mission that had the sole objective of lying. To be someone's daughter and wife. And pregnant, to top it all off.

He sighed again. Thinking how troublesome life really was.

"Shikamaru?"

He came out of his daze. "Sakura, I have a favor to ask you."

She didn't like his tone, but was willing to help him nonetheless. He had given his all, trying to bring back Sasuke back to Konoha years ago, and if only for that, Sakura was willing to do something for him in return.

"Stop stalling and come out with it already." Sakura laughed.

Well, at least she seems to be in a compliant mood.

"I want you to come on a mission with me, as my partner."

Sakura's eyes rounded a bit before smiling at her friend. "Is that what you got all worked up for? Jeez, Shikamaru, I thought it was going to be something bad. It has been a while since I had a mission, but I'm not rusty. I'm up for it. What does it entail?"

Shikamaru looked up at the starry skies, hoping for some divine intervention that would spare him from what he had to do next.

When no such help came, he explained, "I need you to pretend to be someone's daughter."

Nod.

"I'll pretend to be your husband."

Slow nod.

"And you need to be pregnant."

Sakura stopped walking.

Note: This was meant to be humorous. I always found Shikamaru to be charming--lazy and intellectual has always been the winning combination, at least to me. Anyway, I thought I needed something light after writing something heavy. I'm contemplating leaving this as a one shot. It could possibly turn out to be longer, but stopping here doesn't really irk me. I'll see, maybe depending on feedback. Reviews are always appreciated; nonsensical rants will be filed for my amusement; anything not pertaining to the story will be left alone. I'm zen like that. Thanks for reading.