::Daily Rant.::

Subtitled, "And people wonder why I'm a man, of self-loathing and hypocrisy."

Sorry to disappoint those who were expecting a well thought-out, elegantly written article; I'm writing to vent, and hopefully to achieve something positive in the aftermath.

In sixteen years I've seen far too many people invoke malice on others with no gain for themselves. On this site, more so any site - but also every where I go. I see rampant, flagrant dishonesty, civil dishonor, and negative actions that confirm the most optimistic interpretation of my ideology: that enough people are miserable crap-bags who would rather cause harm than nothing at all, to warrant personal justice - and not care at all for the consequences. With me, in my solopsistic and self-loathing world, that personal justice is emotional cleansing to apathy, existential diss-acknowledgement if possible.

When I screw up - or do something I regret, it's a different story, and I take what I deserve. If any of you knew what I lose for screwing up, you'd understand what I accept each time it happens.

Before, even, if you call me sick, seeking, even assuming, the goodness in each individual is a personal duty of mine, and perhaps an obsessive cause of my ultimate disappointment: People are good until proven otherwise. They just have an uncanny knack for proving themselves otherwise, and each letdown represents a further setback for humanity. And a setback for the mean-spirited and the ungrateful with nothing better to do than abuse my best efforts and emotions.

So. In order to make this entire 'give the world, a piece of my mind', ranting today mean something - I want you to close your eyes, and imagine yourself as somebody different. Model that person, off of what I am about to tell you. Ready? Can we begin? Alright, here goes.

Every day, and near every waking minute of it - you give your entire being, in the hopes of making another's life better - and you get it thrown on the ground and shit on, after they're done with you. After a while, it becomes the norm - watching them walk away without a care in the world, while you're on the ground vulnerable and broken. You try to hide it, and do a pretty good job of it. But, you can't erase the result of what happened on your morale and psyche. You're left with distrust, self-loathing and yet you can't help but do it all over again with someone else who needs it at the moment. Because, without this purpose - you're nothing. And you accept that, despite all evidence of you being wrong and others saying so as well. I don't have a good logical structure to support all these, all I have is my feelings.

You try to cheer yourself up, and fill yourself with a euphoria that knows no bounds - so apparent, that it seeps out from you and others can sense it. Then, later on - your inner cynic awakes within you laughs at you, as he knows the truth. You can't be happy. As long as you do this to yourself, and cause the self-destruction of drugs, and alcohol abuse - along with the occasional sleeping with whoever's there at the moment to hold your fragile mind together - you will never know, happiness. But, again - you've accepted you never will, and are okay with that on a level. Even though, years ago - the only thing that drove you to do this, was that feeling that died out long ago - that warm and fuzzy ting you get when you helped someone. But that was before, you knew what people were capable of - truly. Ignorance, truly is bliss - and you know that now.

You find yourself, not caring about anything - except, when your next numbness will come forth. You don't care about the future, other than that. You don't care whether you will be here, for years - or mere months. You don't care, what you have to do - to gain that numbness, as long as it is satisfying. That numbness being, an emotional stability of being neither extremely self-hating or extremely happy, just - being. Even if, doing so - only makes your thoughts more confusing and hard to decipher, causing you to have to destroy and throw them away to start from scratch. Doing things you wouldn't even consider in the past, as they were too vile and you were too self-righteous.

That's the best that I can make of the situation. And that ends, your 'being someone else, for a day'. Stepping into another's shoes, one might say - and that other's shoes, were mine. You were me, well - a part of me, as there are many things going on in my life, and this is only but a third of them.

::Conclusions.::

I can't work any harder or dedicate myself any more than I already do. I can only inform those of my gratitude for giving me what I know now, or the ramifications of their venom.

The only outcomes are that I continue to create, are - continuing to be emotional punching bag for someone who needs it at the moment, and quickly forgets about it. I lose my mind - doing so. Or, give up and provide only light support. I'd give up altogether except that I've already dedicated myself to this, and stuck to my conviction - going way back to day one, when I resigned myself to this fate. And, that's just fine, as long as the sufferer has gained a better view of where their problem lies. Or, have been fixed entirely. It's his/her own responsibility from now to choose which path to follow.

But, keep in mind - people.

I'm only one guy. I can only help so much. I can only know so much. I can only try so hard. And I can only be kicked in the teeth so many times, before my smile becomes a sneer.

And people wonder why I break - losing and forgetting everything, for moments - and embody a completely different person at times. That, nihilistic - and cold hearted bastard who'd like nothing more than to make you miserable. Or, that one guy who won't give a care in the world - about you or himself, because he thinks - "Why take anything seriously, if you're just going to lose it tomorrow?". Contradicting, I know - but we live in a world of contradiction, and they will go on unexplained unless we do our part to try and understand them.