Lost
It has been nearly a month since I've spoken to her. Every day is a struggle. I try to get out of bed in the mornings but find myself just lying, staring at the ceiling until the need for food becomes too much. I stumble out of bed and make my way to the kitchen, putting something together from the packets in my cupboard, the alcohol, crumpets and butter in my fridge and tubs of ice cream in my freezer. I really need to go shopping. Every day is the same. On the occasional days I have work, I'm just on autopilot, doing what I need to do and then crying into my pillow when I get home.
I miss the way we used to talk, I miss the way we smiled at the same stupid jokes, and there is nothing I don't miss about her. Things she used to do that annoyed me, no longer do, I just wish she would do those things just so that every thought I have about her isn't just a memory. I want to create new memories; I want her to see me the way she used to. But I know it will never happen, I know she will never see me the way she used to and it is all my fault, well not completely but it might as well be. I could have prevented it happening and I didn't. I didn't prevent her from feeling the hurt that I in part caused. It could've ended months ago, it should've ended months ago, but I was so happy to have her back that I forgot about it, I forgot it was happening. And now she'll never know how I feel, she'll never know how she made me feel. How she makes me feel. I never stopped loving her and I never will.
She'll never forgive me, she's not the type to keep forgiving my mistakes and I'm the type who will keep making them. She deserves someone so much better than me, and I know this, but I can't stand to see her with anyone else, it kills me inside. It's beginning to kill me on the outside, slowly; I'm falling into the darkness I've created for myself.
Some nights get particularly bad, I find myself slumped over the edge of my bed crying into my tenth beer of the night, wanting to do anything to take the numbness away. Scarring the outside helps the inside even if it is just for a moment at a time, she would hate it, that makes me hate myself even more. I'm doing something she will hate to make myself feel better, and for a moment it does, until it sinks in that she will hate me for it and then that makes me feel worse, it's a vicious cycle which always ends with me hating myself more.
The friends I try to talk to won't understand, they don't understand, they all tell me to get over her, they all tell me she's overreacting and I deserve better, but deep down, I know I don't. I know she's not overreacting. I knew how she would react if she found out and didn't do anything to prevent it happening, and I knew she'd find out, she always finds out. I don't know why it even occurred to me as a good idea at the time.
I can't blame the friend that was part of the plan, she was only doing what I asked her to, but I definitely didn't expect her to take it this far, but I assume she was only trying to help. I should probably give her a call; I haven't spoken to her in nearly a month either. It's not like she hasn't been trying, I just haven't made the effort to be sociable with anyone, least of all her.
Whilst it's true that I haven't spoken to the girl everyone wishes they could be with, I also haven't tried, I'm not sure I could take that rejection. She says she hates things to be final, she hates saying goodbye, but she did, she said goodbye to me. And so I can't bring myself to call her to get no reply, I can't bring myself to text her only to get no reply. It breaks my heart every time I find her name in my contract list and nearly call, but then can't think of the words to say if she does, by some miracle answer the phone.
She probably never gives me a second thought and I don't blame her for that, if I was in her situation, I would have given up on me a long time ago, but she didn't. Which only made me love her more, she stuck with me through one of the worst experiences of my life, and now I've fucked it up. I've fucked up her trust, I've fucked up her ever wanting to talk to me again, but I so wish she would.
I'm willing to try and get her trust back, but firstly I need to find the courage to actually call her or text her and be of the knowledge that she will text or call me back, which I know she won't. So what is the point? What is the point in me trying to become part of her life once again, only to have her shut me down? I couldn't handle it again, I just couldn't. I'm struggling to handle this situation, so for it to get worse, I just can't do it. It sound stupid, I know it does, but I can't bring myself to actually move past this, with this current situation, I can stick to having hope. I can stick to the hope that one day, she MIGHT call, she MIGHT text me. I know full well she won't, but that doesn't stop a girl dreaming, right?
Every day is becoming a battle I no longer want to fight in. It's becoming a combination of battles that I have no will to win. People say, "Oh, it's only been a month, give her time." I know that she doesn't need time, she needs me out of her life, and that's what she has done. I'm fairly certain she didn't expect me to respect her wishes and leave her alone, but right now, that's all I can think to do to prevent her hating me even more, it's all I can think of doing. She's all I can think about, what is she doing, is she happy, is someone making her happy, what can I do to make her happy. My answer now, is nothing. Nothing I can do will make her happy, she doesn't want anything to do with me, and in all honesty, who can blame her, I'm a wreck, and I always have been. She deserves more than me, she always has, and she always will, I can only hope that she will find it.
Just over a month ago, I nearly told her, I nearly told her how my heart yearned for her and how my life hasn't been the same with her so far away. Every one said I should, even she did when I posed the 'hypothetical' situation to her, but I didn't have the courage to actually say it. The worst that could have happened was that she'd say no and we'd remain friends, she's too much of a nice person to stop talking to me for that. But at the time, I was too scared, I was too scared she'd break my heart once again so I didn't tell her. Only now, that option doesn't seem so scary. I would give anything to go back to that day, I would give anything to just tell her those three little words, but now I can't. I lost my chance. So here I am, writing all my feelings down, hoping, for one last ditch effort that they'll make me feel better. I'm sorry to say that they haven't.
All I know, is that right now, without her, I'm spiraling out of control, I'm losing very internal battle I have, I'm losing whatever minute amount of will I have to keep on living.
All I know is that I'm lost without her.