Thanks for reading. Thanks to EterniteProfonde because we came up with part of this story while I was in Paris. Bear is based after a friend of mine. This jumps around, but I like how its disjointed. I'm including a quote from the recent Fantastic Four movie which was two dimensional but I liked one thing Kate Mara said-I need music to think. Though I'm referencing Into the Woods I really didn't like it. It'll be interesting when life isn't so up in the air. In less than 24 hours of closure with an ex and saying to self: stop caring, just stop it a friend asked if I'll adopt a kid with her...then narrowed it down to adopting 2 kids...much to think about..luckily there's time. If you feel like looking at my twitter (mostly pictures of road trips and often sarcastic commentary) feel free at PlaceForAnEcho.
"Oh my god you're insane!"
"The birds are so annoying! If I had a gun..." She said as she placed the pillow over her head.
"You wouldn't kill them!" The redhead replied with a small laugh and a slight pull at the corner of the pillow.
"No, but scaring them is good enough. I want to sleep in!"
"Becs you're so grumpy." Chloe said and she moved closer with her arm wrapped around Beca's midsection.
"I don't understand you morning people." The smaller woman grumbled.
"I have a simple solution...pretend you're Cinderella and talk to the birds. Tell them silence is golden." Chloe said contently as though that made all the sense in the world.
"And you say I'm insane? I should be offended," she mumbled the last part. "What part of that is simple? And in what world would I be a princess who is mentally unstable and talks to birds!?" She didn't need a valid reply, Chloe was Chloe. "I like your insanity," Beca said gently, changing her tone and half way drifting to sleep.
"I like yours too." Chloe said softly and with sincerity, followed by a kiss to the self-described 'anti-morning' girl's cheek.
"And they say romance is dead," Beca said with a sigh as she pulled the sheet over her more and went back to sleep.
"Next time I'll suggest we take a shower together," Chloe said lightly, knowing Beca secretly liked the showers they usually took regardless of the early hour.
Moments like that were nice. More than nice. They were light, carefree...in the moment and happy. But they were also in the past which is why she was daydreaming and replaying things like a flashback. Things were very different now. She went hiking and learned how to enjoy the quiet. She composed lyrics and compositions in her head to focus on something other than Chloe. She hated to feel physical pain because it was the only time she really craved Chloe and wanted comfort in touch. It was one of the rare times she didn't mind someone taking care of her. That felt like half a lifetime ago.
"In the back of my mind I have this feeling of inevitability falling in love with you. I know it'll come in either a slow overtaking or it'll hit me. It'll be expected and…a gentle succumbing regardless because I didn't need to brace for you. There's a certainty that's come with feeling you're where I belong." She paused, unclenched and shook out her hand in vain to release any tension. She really looked at Chloe then. She seemed tired. It was almost midnight and Chloe seemed exhausted as she forced a small smile. Beautiful but weighed down.
I need to remember all of this…her eyes…her freckles…the smile that's a shadow of the ones she had a year ago…I miss those smiles…all the types…
"But I'm ambivalent on the rest of you. And that annoys the hell out of me."
With every ounce of decency Beca tried not to include the negation. What good does it do, she questioned, to be brutally honest? She also reasoned that life was short, honesty was rare in the world and her preferred method of weeding out who she wanted in her life, who she chose to connect to, to care and love. She watched as Chloe looked conflicted, eyebrows crinkling, eyes narrowing, and a slightly pained expression taking over her features which seemed out of place of someone so lively, someone who wanted to experience everything. And for a few seconds Beca felt disloyal to Chloe for causing it, for not being supportive when she firmly wanted to. But she also knew wants don't work out too well with reality. She took a deep breath through her nose and took the chance to steal Chloe's coffee cup out of her hand. The taller woman looked on at her as though saying…what the hell Beca…
"I need to occupy my hands so I don't touch you," she offered in an almost nonchalant way but the bitterness managed to seep out causing Beca to look away. The redhead slowly nodded, practically hearing the undertone-I need to keep busy or this is too much.
I wanted…want a life with Chloe, but here we are…standing in my apartment for what she considers the last time after texting me out of the damn blue…and its so…fucking selfish…
The smaller woman felt herself close her eyes, willing herself to keep her thoughts inside and not curse at Chloe when a strong part of her wanted to say what the hell Chloe! How is any of this fair? Fucking hell! I've actively tried to distract myself and not think of her but she asks to come over and here we are! And its not all her fault…god damn it…and is this the last time I'll see her? The time will never be enough…it'll always be limited because I can't take my time with her…she's here and halfway gone…
Unable to stop herself she shook her head as though to clear thoughts because they were known to build and become heavy. Ugh…fuck, I need music to think. She almost smirked remembering the time she told Chloe that and how the redhead slowly smiled and crawled closer to Beca, disrupting her mixing and attempt at composing knowing full well what that look meant. But Chloe wasn't here for a booty call…at least she hoped she wasn't because that was beneath both of them. Though that didn't stop Beca from frowning when the thought passed through her mind because she hoped she knew Chloe well enough that it wasn't possible but Chloe once told her she's not really herself with other people, they don't know who she really is, which made Beca question was she ever fully with me and did I even know her? And is fully even possible? Fuck! She pressed her thumb to her temple with her tips of her index and middle finger grazing her hair line as the coffee cup was clenched in her left hand.
"Beca…" Chloe said softly, as though knowing she was trying to pull Beca out of her head. "I just…" she tried… " I wish this wasn't so hard."
Its always been this hard though and love shouldn't be this hard. It used to be easier…not really easy…but it wasn't this…Beca didn't commit to saying the words because it seemed redundant and she reasoned she talked enough. Chloe stood there, looking gorgeous, pensive and stuck. So painfully fucking stuck. And is it mean that I don't pity her? Pity NEVER helped anyone.
"Why are you here?" She asked bluntly.
"Why did you let me?" Chloe countered and Beca's eyebrow raised in a "challenge accepted" acknowledgment.
"Because you're you." She paused and sighed. "You used to say a few minutes or hours together was better than nothing." She said with a shrug. And because if you can give your honesty, I can give mine too. Fair is fucking fair she reasoned.
"This was…selfish of me."
Beca felt her jaw tense rather than raise her voice and sarcastically add ya think!? But moments are all we have so...she was right about that...but a lot of people have been right about other things...
Her attention span drifted away from Chloe as she replayed a conversation with one of her close friends...
"I'm a premature spinster," she said with a wink to make it seem like she was joking.
"And excelling at it," Benjamin said back quickly and with a faux-proud tone as though saying BRAVO! Witty guy that he was. She honestly enjoyed their banter.
"Don't be a dick," she said with a smile.
"But I'm your favorite dick." He said with a smile.
The smaller of the two narrowed her eyes as though to say stop, just stop talking. Ben was close to six feet tall and could easily pick her up if she allowed it, but they had mutual respect and a six pack to share. It was then she got a text from Chloe and her eyes further narrowed at her phone, annoyed her good vibe with her bear hugs Ben was being disturbed in some way.
"You gotta let that girl go," Ben said gently as he stared at the tv screen after a brief glance to Beca.
"How'd you know?" The brunette asked curiously.
"I have superpowers." He said with a smirk and a shrug. "And your body language changes when you talk about her or she texts."
Beca couldn't stop the sigh. She wasn't about to talk about her feelings in detail. Luckily Ben understood that. She was glad they were friends, he was an unexpected perk to being friends with Jesse.
"She's not going to emotionally take care of you." He said gently as people were being beheaded on the screen. A small part of Beca found it amusing they were having this conversation while they watched gore and dismemberment.
"I don't need her to," she offered and caught the slightly defensive tone. Because she still cared about Chloe, she couldn't turn that off.
"Beca, I know that, she probably knows that, but you need someone there for you if you ever choose to versus handling everything yourself or holing up with me. Its assurance."
She took in a deep breath through her nose. Damn it, we're apparently having this conversation.
"I can handle everything myself." She said with a stubborn edge. With a glance to Ben she caught his smirk as though he expected her to be her typical pain in the ass self. At least I'm consistent! With that thought she finished the beer, got up from the couch and went to make a screwdriver in the kitchen.
"My point is," he stressed the three words, "you need someone there for you when things get shitty, its human to have someone to lean on when it gets rough. Its human nature to even want that." He stressed. "I don't think that chicks gonna get her shit together for a while so..." he shrugged, non-verbally saying your call but added, "up to you kid."
Her bear hugs Ben wasn't condescending, he called a lot of his peers kid, and it didn't help that she was a fraction of his size, but tough love was his way of caring. Strangely she appreciated it instead of the alternative of thinking "You're right. I need to forget all this. Her eyes, her habits, her laugh. God damn it her laugh. Fucking loved it."
She paused on her thoughts, leaned against the counter and took another gulp of her vodka mix. "When she'd pick me up...fucking turn on...her arms...her shoulders...oh hell...I need sleep. Ugh!" She groaned. "Verbal throw up is gross. I hate my brain."
"Its unusual to get so many words out of you. Thanks alcohol." He said with a half smirk smile.
Beca just noticed the movie was paused and tilted her head to the side in confusion. "What happened to the movie?" She deflected.
"Awww look at you. Jesse got you into movies." He teased.
"No, I tolerate them for you," she said as she raised her glass and tipped it towards Bear as a cheers to him. The movie remained on pause and Beca looked down at her drink that was quickly disappearing.
"Big guy...do you wonder if your heart is going to make it in the world...or if it'll always feel like its a few beats behind?" She asked with trepidation and sighed when he slowly nodded. Neither liked to admit their flaws aloud, a nod was enough.
"I don't trust her." She admitted quietly.
"Then you're screwed. And not in the good way." He said in his smartass way.
"Beca..."Chloe repeated as she tried and pulled her out of her mental digression.
The shorter woman waited for Chloe to talk. They could remain in a stand off, an impasse for the night if Beca waited for Chloe to express anything and she didn't have that much patience, contrary to Chloe having once said she knew her well, better than others.
Beca recalled in the moment thinking you're worth the effort but she had said, "you took time, I take time, its ok."
"I'm sorry I hurt you," Chloe started and though Beca could tell it was with sincerity she frowned and tilted her head. This was semantic satiation, she knew that much. When something was repeated to the point it lost its value. In a way she figured it was like being desensitized. Part of her wanted to say you should apologize for hurting me now. You're here but you prefaced it'll be the last time I see you. But it fills your want to see me and its all so temporary. It goes back to all we have are moments so...is it selfish of me to want more and is it realistic to have stability? To actually obtain it...or maintain it because it takes freaking work...so does happiness...hell dating takes work which is why I don't do it! And it helped you left a voicemail that said you moved on, transferring it to a recorder, then to a file, then to my ipod helped me not talk to you. Listening to it on repeat in the car. Listening in the shower. Walking around...it was painful...but it helped.
Her inner monologue was starting to annoy the hell out of her and she shook her head to focus on Chloe. Complex, gorgeous, smart, passionate, stuck Chloe she thought as she looked at her. Be honest or withhold? I've used it as a shield, a weapon, and a standard. But will Chloe accept it? And does she deserve it? Is it arrogant of me to decide what she deserves? Or manipulative of me to hold back? Fuuuuuck. Fuck it.
"Apology accepted..." she said slowly, "I hurt you too...but I still..." she shifted her weight as though movement would propel words out of her, thoughts would arise and honesty would tumble out...but she took another deep breath. "In the back of my mind I have this feeling of inevitability falling in love with you. I know it'll come in either a slow overtaking or it'll hit me. It'll be expected and…a gentle succumbing regardless because I didn't need to brace for you. There's a certainty that's come with feeling you're where I belong."
"Beca….you…being with you felt right, but I need you to let go."
"Easier said than done," she mumbled.
"I'm here to have an honest conversation and so we're clear on things." Chloe offered. "Because I'm not it for you, you're going to do more and only become better but it can't be with me."
Beca raised her head, feeling she needed to look into Chloe's eyes because this really was the last time she'd be able to…"I would have married you if you gave me a valid reason to trust you."
The red head offered a sad smile. "I can't do this, we can't, and you deserve better." Chloe said solidly.
"So you've settled into being unhappy and alone?" Beca countered with a frown.
"Its my choice Beca," the red head replied in an unwavering tone. "I thought you'd meet someone and forget about me and focus on other things."
"That wasn't my priority," she said with a frown, somewhat floored Chloe gave the impression it would be easy to find someone to connect with, like it was a walk in the park. She looked down again and noticed she was still holding the cup. Strange how you become accustomed or distracted so quickly. With a step to the side she set the drink on the table.
"You have a lot to offer someone," Chloe tried and finally moved closer to Beca. Slowly she wrapped the smaller girl in a hug, knowing Beca liked to be asked in some way before offering a hug because Beca had once said in a text an embrace is something to prepare for.
"So do you," Beca frowned further, feeling the disconnect more even as her arms went around Chloe's waist.
"Becs...I'm a dead end, this is a dead end," she stressed the last two words as she took a step back but left her arms wrapped arounthe shorter girl's neck.
"But you're worth it," she said gently because part of her wanted to scream it as she thought what the hell Chloe. You don't see yourself.
"Its not going to change, its still a dead end, it always was. I'm sorry we started it, but I don't regret it." Chloe said slowly, allowing the words and tone to fill the room.
For a second Beca thought other people could sum up how she felt better than her current thoughts and gave a brief smirk while thinking thaaaaanks Edna St. Vincent Millay...after all, my erstwhile dear, my no longer cherished, need was say it was no love, just because it perished? She let out a small huff. Letting go is harder when there's that slight hope. Fucking hope.
"I have to go," Chloe said and took a step closer to the door. "Beca, I'm sorry. I want you to be happy."
"I want you to be happy too," she said as she stepped out of the hold and away from Chloe. I don't think you're going to be very happy...but I shouldn't worry about that anymore...its your choice...and I have to respect it...which I do, even though I don't understand it and kinda hate it...but it is what it fucking is...
"Goodnight," Chloe whispered with a kiss to Beca's cheek.
"Night," she said without much emotion and felt heavier as she watched the taller woman leave like it was inevitable this was it.
So this is what closure feels like…painful...pain is luckily temporary….right? My life is like a Goetye song...she's somebody that I used to know. Ugh! Thaaaank Yooooou cloooosuuuuure, I now don't have the desire to talk to Chloe anymore, so there's that...kinda helps...simplifies things a little...and I can try to care less. Ugh I need music to think. Mmmm. Plus side...it wasn't dramatic, we care about each other and wished each other happiness...there wasn't any bad blood so listening to Taylor Swift doesn't work and I should take it with a grain of salt...like one of those salt lick things people give to horses...she thought cynically. She shivered, feeling the coldness of the night. Falls coming soon...scarves...the better to wrap my cynicism in...and coffee...maybe even tea...and maybe by then I'll care less. Its on my to do list...at the top...she considered as she over thought with random details. Time and caring less...ok...she reminded herself before trying to fall asleep. The recipe for moving on...time and caring less...
The End
Note: Positive that wasn't the best read, but I like 1 shots and I think what we want doesn't always happen...rather its rare. I tried to keep them in character because honestly I think Chloe is adorable. And I kept laughing when I was in Paris because I kept getting half lost, laughing to myself and thinking-I don't know what's happening, I failed maps! Cause gosh Chloe, its geography, not maps, but absurdly cute nonetheless. Its also a pet peeve of mine nonetheless is 1 word. Realize there's more cursing in this fic than my usual, but that's because I think it a lot and try to refrain from saying it. Thanks for reading.