WARNING: A dark Shounen ai (boyXboy). THIS HAS MAJOR ANGST!!! Maybe some OOC (out-of character)-ness but who knows how people would truly react in this situation. This was to portray emotions and the Digimon characters help me best convey those emotions. As far as this fic is concerned, season 02 never happened and you can fill in their ages the way you see fit. Written in one of my darker days...
REFERENCE: "Oniichan" means "big brother"
"Iya" means "no"
"Oyaji" means "father"
"Kaasan" means "mother"
"Baka" means "stupid/dumb" (I'm pretty sure almost everyone reading Digimon fics know that)
"Gomen" means "sorry"
THIS IS NOT FOR CHILDREN, VERY DEPRESSIVE, HAS SWEARING AND DARK FIC. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY INSIDE, THIS FIC IS DEFINITELY NOT FOR YOU. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!!
-You're joking right?-
Yeah, I guess it's pretty funny.
-Do you even know what you're saying?!-
Apparently, I don't.
-Sorry Yamato but I'm not a fag.-
The look of disgust in your face, it's burned into my brain.
-Do you expect me to say 'I love you' back?-
I guess I hoped too much from you, even to ask for a smile from you.
-Don't touch me.-
I'm sorry for bothering you about it.
2:18...
The bridge seems too low. Doesn't this fucking town have any higher ones for deadbeats like me?! Maybe I'll be lucky and a truck will run over my crippled body. At least no one's staring at me... God, their eyes...staring, judging, laughing... They have the right to.
The knife lost its edge. The pain doesn't help anymore. Slashing my arms is getting too boring. Heck, the blood isn't even seeping through my uniform anymore...damn knife.
I wonder how the others are doing at school. Maybe I shouldn't have skipped...like anyone would care. My new nicknames are a riot. Shoved onto lockers, the bloody noses...I should be glad they're beating me up. Others just avoid any physical contact while I just walk, knowing the whispers, the rumours, the truths, the lies......Mimi, Sora, Koushiro, Jyou...I never knew you guys felt that way about me. Or things you can't say to my face anyway. Hikari, Stop pretending to care for me. I can see right through you. Little Bro, you must hate me for what I brought upon you.
How stupid was I to say anything?! Why did I even bother to show anything? Keeping my mask on and living the lie should have been good enough but NO! You just had to say what was in your heart, Yamato no baka...biggest mistake.
Well, that'll be my last.
Starting at this moment, I'm gonna correct all the mistakes I ever made starting with the biggest and ending with it. After all, who needs a Yamato Ishida?
Certainly not my 'friends'. As if my family cares. And definitely not Taichi. Oh Tai...I guess I'm a freak to you huh? A freak of nature, against God's rule. I'm sorry I embarrassed you with my love. I'm sorry I cried when you said I was a disgusting piece of shit. I'm sorry for wasting your time with my heart. Well, I'm just sorry for being born. Don't worry, I'm going to correct that mistake soon. That's the least I can do isn't it? No one will notice it really. I won't end with a bang--guns are hard to come by on such short notice. Not a whimper--that wouldn't be fun. But a splat. My poisonous blood splashing in crimson waves; brain splattered all over the pavement. Heck, when the cars run me over, maybe they'll do me a favour and let their wheels tear at my heart. Cause I died when you left, when you gave me that look, when my love brought about your hate.
Now where is it? The only thing that was able to comfort me a bit...here it is. Why did I get the Crest of Friendship again? The crest's all black like me... Talking to it reminded me of him. Maybe that's why I called it 'Gabumon'. You always make me smile when you glow.
Gabumon?.... Would you feel the same way about me as before? Would you say I should be living? Would you still be there by my side telling me I do have friends and they care? Do you even remember me after all these years?
I feel like I failed you Gabumon. Making you ashamed of me... I'm a failure to everyone.
You would say I'm giving up too easily doing this and I guess I am. But this is the only way I know how to handle it. So don't think about me anymore. Don't waste your time.
Hey, something's in my eye...hmph. I thought these sparkles dried up a long time ago, so, why do I still shed them?...
I want to talk Gabumon, but no one's here to listen. Everyone turns their back on me...the teachers, 'friends', family...... Oyaji freaked when he found out about me. He seems to stay late at work longer than usual. The shock about me must be getting to him. Drinking seemed to make him feel better; so was having my blood on his fists. If that make's him feel alright then that's all I need to know. Besides, the bruises help me forget a bit too. Kaasan's conveniently too far to talk with me. Takeru...I know you're just protecting you're brother but it's not worth getting beaten up over. He probably hates me for making him suffer. Those punches are meant for me.
Can you hear me Gabumon?
Do you know what I feel?
Do you know why I have to live through this?
Do you know why I don't want to?
Do you know how fucked up I am?!
.........
....sorry. I didn't mean to get mad at you. I guess you hate me now too huh?... Now I know why you haven't glowed Gabumon. I guess confessing to love another guy does that.
Well, it's 4:20. Heh, I've been blabbing for two hours. The rush hour traffic should roll in any minute now. Hope I don't mess up the cars too much. Oh well, blood washes off easily anyways. They'll probably get mad at me for making them miss dinner.
Now all I gotta do is put my leg over the railing...now the other....and just sit and wait.
Boy, the city looks grimy from here. I've never noticed the layer of brown pollution hanging over the city. Well, at least I won't be dying of toxic fumes.
All right! A logging truck's coming. Well better get ready and--
Whoa! The railing's more slippery than I thought. Good. It'll help me jump off easily. Now, if the trucks coming at that speed, then I should jump...when it's around.....that tree. He can always run me over if my calculation is wrong as usual. And no time for the brakes to work. Everything is perfect.
I wonder.....if I am a freak, against 'God's will', would I go to Hell?.... I guess I'll fine out. Heh, wouldn't it be funny if I was looking down from Heaven and laughing at those bastards..... Damn it, my eyes are all misty again. Geez I'm acting like a wuss.
Oh, the truck's coming around the last corner. Man, everyone speeds in this city. Those cars must be going at least a 100. Why is that truck not here yet?!
"ONIIIICHAAAN!!!"
Huh? Who's tha...Takeru? Why is he here? I knew I shouldn't have stuffed that note in his locker. He looks kinda... scared? And his face looks purple. They must have beaten him up again. Well little bro, those days are going to stop. He's running over the hill.
"ONIICHAAAAAN!!! WAIT!!"
What's he so worked up about? He should be home by now. Mom will flip out again at his face. She'll be easy on him I'm sure; she blames me for the fights he gets into anyways.... He shouldn't be running so hard after a fight; he's gonna pass out.
"Oi, Takeru! Don't run so hard! Tell Kaasan the fight was my fault again!" I give him the biggest smile I could muster up and waved at him. That's the least I can do for trying to protect me from their fists. I always thought I would be his bodyguard... Ironic ne... Oh I almost forgot, "Tell Oyaji his dinner's in the fridge!"
"IYA--! DON'T DO ANYTHING!!! ONICHAN!"
Gomen Takeru. Gomen... You'll be happier without me. You don't need a fifth wheel. Hey, you'll forget about this the next morning.
Oh shit! The truck's passed the tree! I'm late!! I smile and wave again to Takeru and see he's on the bridge now. He runs pretty fast.
Well, it's time for my leap of faith. Eternal bliss or the fiery pits. Or maybe even nothing? Heaven, Hell or the Void, ready of not, here I come!
"IYAAAAA------!!! ONIIIICHAAAAAA------N!!!!"
He's already at the railings. Reaching out a hand. Are those tears? Gomen Takeru but I'm already half way down. Falling headfirst should do the trick.
It's kinda peaceful. The rush of adrenaline is exhilarating. Why didn't I do this sooner? Air rippling against me, only its sound filling my empty soul... It's refreshing.
Hey,...
What's that glow?...
My crest....
It's glowing...
You're here...
To make me smile....
..Gabum----
.....
You're all probably wondering why I wrote this. Several reasons actually. (1)-I read some debates on Yaoi vs. Straight and I was pretty disgusted by some of the stuff I read on FF.NET. Crap about "God didn't will it" and "It's sick and twisted". Then, a conversation with my friends turned into yaoi/yuri for some reason and the faces of disgust as they talked sickened me. They were thinking being homosexual or bisexual as being the lowest form of life. I was very surprised by that coming from my friends. (2)-I was in a depressed and angry mood with some of my friends when I wrote this. (3)-All the suicide fics I read with Yamato's point of view ended up with him surviving or someone saving him. I was challenging myself to write something different. (4)-I wanted to add some doses of the "Real World" for the kids. I mean, what are the chances that you confess a love and they'll return the feeling? Especially when the one you love is of the same sex.
All these together produced this fic. Hate it or love it, doesn't matter. I thought I could show how ignorance and hate could lead someone to suicide. Sorry for being morbid but I just needed to get this off my chest.
If people ask, I might make an alternate version where things are a little happier. ^_^
Compliments? Constructive criticism? Flames?(Don't know why you would flame me since I gave you ample warning)Review away.
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