"Can you explain to me how the laxative ended up in the coffee you served, Hawkeye?"
Hawkeye shifted in his chair. Potter glared at him from across the desk – perhaps not menacingly, but definitely unamused. Hawkeye uncrossed his legs and ran a hand through his hair to smooth it down.
"It was meant for Frank", he said, trying his best to sound apologetic. "It just so happened that Frank didn't ask me which cup was his. He just grabbed one."
"So a customer ended up getting a cathartic coffee. You wanna put that one on the menu, Pierce?"
Hawkeye held back a snort. Cathartic coffee.
"What about the names on the cups?" Potter narrowed his eyes. "As far as I know, most of our customers aren't analphabetic."
"Well, you see", Hawkeye cleared his throat, "the customer was Mr. Flagg."
Potter sighed.
"And Mr. Flagg", Hawkeye continued, "I'm pretty sure he was born with a stick up his ass. He's a douche."
Potter gave Hawkeye a long look, the way a parent would look at a child trying to explain their logical conclusions as to why it's perfectly fine to roll around in the mud five minutes before the dinner guests arrive.
"He is!" Hawkeye leaned forward, elbows on the desk. "You know it. You know what he says about me, to me. You can say it, boss, he's not here."
"I know", said Potter, his eyes revealing the empathy that shone through his otherwise stern expression. "But tell me, what does that have to do with any of this?"
"He's a prick", said Hawkeye. "I'm not writing his name on anything. I can't do it. My hands won't oblige."
Potter leaned back in his chair.
"Why, Pierce, just why do you have to make everything so difficult?" His words were harsh but his tone was not. This conversation would soon be over. Everything would go back to normal, this being only one of several incidents to have been noticed and simply left alone because really, 99 percent of the time, Hawkeye excelled at his job.
Hawkeye shrugged, exaggeratedly and with the same smile he'd give someone he was trying to pick up, eyebrows raised, the corners of his eyes crinkling.
"I don't know, I guess it's just the way I am."
"Don't get cute", said Potter, standing up from his chair. "Now get back to work. And I shouldn't have to say this but I'm going to, just to make sure we're both on the same page: No. More. Laxatives. Capishe?"
Hawkeye snorted.
"You got it, boss."