I told Naruto I loved him. I could see a small glimmer in his eye, and I felt the hope I needed to continue.
I told him that because I loved him now, he didn't need to go after Sasuke anymore.
I knew this was a mistake.
I knew it wouldn't work this way, I'm not the daydreaming child I once was, but I desperately hoped it would.
Naruto scolded me on how he was saving Sasuke because he was family, and his best friend, and I nodded like a shameful child does when they've been caught doing wrong by their parents.
I loved seeing how mature Naruto could be, but sometimes it made me sad. It made me sad to see he had a little less of that care free, 'smile it all away.' attitude he once had. He still had a tendency to smile at his troubles, but now they were more bitter…and that hurt.
I knew he would catch the lie, even if it wasn't exactly one...but I still had a child like hope that it would work.
I do still love Sasuke… I miss him everyday, even for just a minute, but I realize the dreams I had as a child were never meant to be.
When I used to think of Sasuke, I'd feel heavy sparkles and airy bubbles slush in my stomach, my heart beating harder, almost painfully, and my face flushing red.
Now when I think on him, it's like when you think of a family member or beloved pet you used to spend your child hood with, that died when you were still a bit too young to understand. It hurts, but not heavy enough to consume you, or hold you down.
I feel like I'm watching a sad Romance movie, where one of them dies in the end. It all hurts, because I've grown attached to the characters, but once it's all over, I have a good little cry, and I'm ok. Because it isn't real.
Sometimes I fell it might not be real…that it's all a mental joke, and a bad, strange dream I'll wake from.
Most of the time, I wish with all my might that it is…
But it is, and that's what I'm stuck with, and I can live with it.
It wasn't exactly a lie though, because I Love Naruto too…
I've grown to love him, how he'll reassure me, even when he isn't sure himself. How he'll hold me when I cry, and come back to me no matter how violent I am.
He's a good man, and that's the problem.
Even though I love him, I've always loved Sasuke.
It's not the same as it used to be, but it will always be there.
Sasuke was my first crush, and the first person that my preadolescent mind had decided to label as worthy.
He was the one I had chased, and watched and followed, and even if he isn't here, and even if he isn't who I thought he was, I grew to learn the real one, and except his faults.
I love Naruto, and he's good to me, but I know if it came down to it, if Sasuke ever came back to us and chose me…I'd choose him.
I know there would be many tears, many long hours, days, weeks even of me dreading the decision and screaming in anger and frustration...and I would develop a seed of hatred for him, for making me doubt my love for Naruto, and give up such a wonderful man…
But in the end, I would choose Sasuke over Naruto, and the very knowledge that I could do something so stupid, so terrible, so cruel…
That very fact scares me to no end.
I've grown to fear myself. I've grown to fear ever finding Sasuke. I've grown most afraid of losing Naruto in the process…
I've grown afraid of love.
I know if Naruto tried to kill Sasuke, I'd kill him…
But I also know it would work the other way around.
The idea that I would have to choose one over the other hurts, and I dread ever having to make the decision…
And I know Sasuke, even if he somehow came back, would never make me make that choice. He's long gone, in everyway possible, and he most likely would never put a second thought to me romantically.
Probably wouldn't put a first thought.
But I'm still afraid he might, and because of that I fear us finding him…
Sometimes, I wish he'll never come back.