The air was crisp and refreshingly cool. The sun shone, nonetheless, creating a warm atmosphere.
Out from the Garden parking lot sped a white rent-a-car. Its passengers were none other than two members of Balamb Garden's elite military force team.
"So what is it we need again?" Zell asked as he turned the corner.
"Lessee...." Selphie reached for a long piece of paper. "Milk, bologna, puppy biscuits, cookie dough, burn creme, gauze, aloe -"
"I still think he's fakin' it."
"What? How can you say that?"
"No one actually saw the hot-dog cooker explode. That's just what Squall said."
Selphie put the paper in her pocket. "Zell, the cafeteria ladies found him lying on the floor. His clothes were burnt and all the hair on his arms were singed........Hee hee." She couldn't help but laugh. Dr. Kadowaki told Squall his eyebrows might not grow back for several months.
Zell smiled and shook his head. He drove into the parking lot for Balamb's only grocery store. They walked through the automatic sliding doors and made their way to the pharmacy. "Burn creme. Got any?" Selphie asked the 100-year-old pharmacist.
"Oh, hello, dear. What can I do for you?"
"Um.....hi. Do you have any burn cream?" she asked sweetly.
"You want some learn cream? I didn't know they had a cream that makes you smarter, but I'll check." The man turned toward the shelves.
"Oh, no, sir! I'd like burn cream, please."
"Bird cream?"
"BURN cream. You know, for BURNS."
After a long period of silence and a few grunts from Zell, Selphie decided that it would be better if he set out on his own to retrieve the other foodstuffs.
"Here, Zell." Selphie handed him the list. "Start collecting the food and I'll catch up with ya later."
The pharmacist adjusted his glasses. "Oh, hello, dear. What can I do for you?"
"Much later," she sighed.
"Milk." Zell looked around for the freezer section. When he finally saw the giant words 'DAIRY' above the, well, dairy section, he headed toward the frozen goods.
'2%, full, vitamin D, powdered' "Uh...." He rechecked the paper. "Ah, it doesn't say. I'll just get the cheapest."
A purple cap toward the back of the shelf caught his eye. "Best if sold by 1790067432-B....... Damn codes! .....I guess it's good.... I'll just let Irvine be the first to pour it on cereal." Returning to his cart, he set the discounted milk down. "Bowlogna. Can do!"
Zell parked right in front of the meat counter. "Can I help you?" the lady behind the counter questioned. Her apron was dripping with blood stains.
"Yes, I need a pound of bowlogna."
"Excuse me?"
"This." He showed her the grocery list.
"Oh. That's pronounced bo-lo-ny."
"Who says?"
".....The....meat companies?"
"Oh, okay."
.....................
"Is....that all?"
"Yeah, I guess."
....................
"Would you mind moving? I need to help other customers."
"Oh." He looked behind him at the five other people in line. "I suppose that could be arranged. How much will you give me?"
"What?"
"Well, don't I get something for being verbally abused by your dirty mouth?"
"Get out of here before I call for security!" she screeched reaching for her butcher knife.
"I knew you'd see it my way," he commented as he left. 'Note to self: meat ladies can't take a joke.'
"Ah, there it is!"
'Thank God.' Selphie rolled her eyes.
"Here's your hemorrhoid cream, young lady," he said cheerfully.
She paused, then picked it up. "Same difference."
"Milk? Check. Bologna? Check. Cream cheese? Check. Cookie dough? Check. Hmm....puppy biscuits."
"Hee hee," a woman giggled to her friend. "That man said 'puppy biscuit'!"
Zell turned around. "So? That's not funny."
"James Thurber seems to think so-"
"Well, James Thurber's dead!"
"Pocketa-pocketa! Hahahahahaha!!!"
"...Whatever..."
As not to arouse any more 'Walter Mitty' references, Zell quickly slipped away and headed to the pharmacy, a box of puppy biscuits in tow.
"All done?" Selphie inquired.
"Yup," Zell answered proudly.
"Me too. Let's get outta here."
They got in the shortest line they could find, and twenty minutes later, it was their turn. "Let's see....Milk, cookie dough, and puppy biscuits."
"Tee Hee," Selphie laughed. "Puppy biscuits."
Zell groaned. "Not you, too!"
"Well, that comes to 40.39 gil."
"Pay the lady, Zell."
"How does some cheese and milk come up to 40 gil? And didn't Rinoa give you money?"
"No, remember, it's your turn to buy food."
He mumbled some profanity under his breath and handed the cashier fifty gil. After receiving his change, he rolled the cart over to the others and he and Selphie picked up the bags. They turned to leave through the automatic doors. Slowly, they began to creak open............Ten minutes later, Zell and Selphie were on their way to the car.
"Why can't Rinoa buy her own damn puppy biscuits?"
"Heh heh. You said pup-"
"I don't wanna hear it! Anyway, these things are expensive!"
"Next time don't buy the prime-cut, aged, real beef, lamb, and quail miniature steak-shaped doggy delights."
Zell uncovered the box from the bag. "Dammit! I DID get the prime-cut, aged, real beef, lamb, and quail miniature steak-shaped doggy delights!"
"Oow!" Selphie yelled, annoyed. "The frickin' trunk won't open! It's stuck or something!"
"Just put 'em on that ledge by the window."
After loading the car, Selphie turned to Zell. "But now you can't see out the back window."
He shrugged and sat down. Selphie did the same, and Zell drove out of Balamb, heading for Garden.
"Hey, you better pull over. It sounds like a cop's coming down the road."
"Doesn't look like a police car. Besides, you just slow down so they can get around you," he informed.
"But there could be an ambulance behind him!"
Zell rolled his eyes and pulled over. Amazingly enough, so did the cop. "Ah, shit." He sighed and let his head fall back.
The policeman walked over to the driver-side window. "What did you do?! Were you speeding?" Selphie interrogated.
"I didn't do any-" The man knocked politely on the glass. Zell gulped and forced a friendly smile on his face before rolling down his window. "What seems to be the problem, officer?" he asked innocently.
"Smooth," Selphie commented.
"Your rear window is blocked. That's dangerous, son."
"Oh, my! You're right! It will -never- happen again,....uh...Bob. I promise!.....Can we go?"
"AND, you went exactly .00025 miles over the speed limit."
"What?"
The officer studied Zell; a look of displeasure covering his face. "How old are you?"
"Seventeen point zero six nine, sir," he retorted.
"Let me see your driver's license."
"All right.....I've got it.......I -know- I have it!" He scrambled to check his back pockets.....and his side pockets.....and his jacket pockets.....and his shoes. Selphie held her head in her hand.
"Is this your car?" The man obviously thought the punk kid was guilty of more than just going over the speed limit.
"......No......"
"Is it the girl's car?"
"......No......" Zell squirmed in his seat. He pointed to the side of the white car. The words 'Property of Balamb Garden' glistened in the sun. "We rented it. Cars are so expensive, and ma won't give me any money for the down pay....ment." 'That sounded stupid. Yeah, officer, we're riding in a beat up used car 'cause my mommy won't give me 20,000 gil to buy my own.'
"Please step out of the vehicle." Zell sighed, but did as he was told.
"Would you like to check for drugs and weapons?" he huffed.
The policeman stared at him. "That's not a bad idea."
"ZELL!" Selphie squealed.
"Chill, Selphie. We've got nothin' to hide," he assured with a smile.
"Ah hah! Just as I suspected. Concealed weapons."
Zell ran to the trunk, not even wondering how he got it open. "Hey! What's that gun doin' in there? And where did that spear come from?"
"The students who used this car before us must have forgotten their weapons! We are soooo screwed." She shook her head.
"I'm gonna have to take you in. Please step out of the car." He motioned for Selphie. She hesitated, trying to find a way out of the situation.
"Wait! I can explain!"
"There's nothing to explain, you little brat! Now, get in the back seat of my car!"
Zell bounced up and down nervously. 'Should I do it? No, don't do it. Maybe I should......Uh....Please forgive me!' In one quick swipe, he punched the officer, grabbed his handcuffs, jumped into the driver's seat and sped off.
"OH MY GOD!!! Oh my God!!! I can't believe you did that! I'm gonna go to jail! And you! You're going to the guillotine! Oh my God!"
"Calm down, Selphie. You're making me nervous."
"You BETTER be nervous! They're gonna send us to work in the salt mines!"
"You know they don't use the guillotine or make people work in salt mines."
She shook her head rapidly. "I just can't believe it. Why would you do that?! That was so stupid! You are such an idiot!"
He shot a glance at her. "You're cute when you're mad."
"Then I'm going to be adorable when I strangle you!"
"Yeah, probably."
Zell pulled the car into Balamb Garden's parking lot. They then hurried off to the secret spot inside the training center to discuss their....strategy.
"What do we do?!" Poor Selphie was still a nervous wreck. She paced back and forth, holding her head and humming off key. "Should we tell the Headmaster? We could just explain to him what happened. He'd understand.....right? I mean, we beat Ultimecia, so he has to trust us. Oh, Zell! What if he kicks us out of Garden or turns us in!"
"We don't have to say anything to anyone."
"Yeah, let's just wait until they see our mug shots on 'Balamb's Most Wanted!'"
Zell rubbed his hand across his face. "Maybe we should talk to Squall or something."
"Yeah, Squall. Squall. That's good."
"Squall......? It's Selphie and Zell. Can we come in?" she asked through the crack in the door.
"Yeah, whatever." Squall sat up in his bed. The door opened slowly and the two scurried into the commander's dorm. "Did you get the burn cream?"
"Um....here..." Selphie tossed the bottle to Squall, who caught it easily.
Upon reading the label, he raised his eyebrows. (Which no one noticed, of course) "Is this a joke?"
"No."
"..........C'mon, where's the burn cream? I ache all over." He slumped back onto his pillow (which was fluffed hourly by Rinoa) and closed his eyes.
"That's burn cream," she said matter-of-factly.
Squall groaned. "Not the kind I need!" he shouted at the ceiling.
Silence...........
"Is something wrong?" he questioned.
"Yes."
"No."
Zell and Selphie exchanged glances. Squall opened an eyelid. "Alright. What happened?"
"Zell mauled an officer!" she blurted.
"Selphie!"
Squall blinked. "You....what?"
"I didn't maul him, I just....punched 'em."
"Oh.......You're going to jail," he answered nonchalantly. "Anything else?"
"Yes! What should we do?!" Selphie hopped up and down.
"Well, the right thing to do would be to turn yourselves in."
They stared at him, awaiting another solution. "Or?" they asked in unison.
He shrugged. "Or else, I suppose."
"Your advice sucks," Zell commented as he and Selphie left.
The cafeteria wasn't as crowded as it usually was. Most students decided to stay away until they were sure nothing else would explode.
"Act natural," he whispered to her.
"How am I supposed to 'act' natural?" she retorted.
"Just do it."
"Isn't that a slogan?"
The two SeeDs took their regular seats around their table surrounded by Quistis, Rinoa, and Irvine. "Hey, how ya doin'?" Zell greeted.
"Well," Quistis sighed, "That exchange student gave me some problems today. He's always saying 'We don't do THAT in my country' and 'In MY country we ALWAYS pluck chickens before class'. So I told him, you know, this isn't YOUR country. When you're in Garden you abide by-"
"That's amazing! How was your day, Rinoa?"
"Zell, I don't think Quistis was finished talking," she notified.
"Wow! I bet you two had fun. Irvine?"
"Uh....."
"Ah, Irvine. Same as always I see. Say, can I ask you guys a hypothetical question?"
"Shoot," Quistis answered for them.
"Let's say you're driving along, minding your own business, when a cop pulls you over. He kindly asks you to get out of the car. You do, then you punch him and speed off-"
Irvine interrupted. "Wait a minute. Why did I punch the cop?"
"Jus' say you do. Now, what would you do? Do you turn yourself in? Do you run away?"
"What does this have to do with anything?" Rinoa asked.
"I told you. It's hypothetical."
"I'd turn myself in. Well, I have to get back to my class before that new kid sacrifices another pig. See you later." Quistis waved as she left.
"Okay....Anyone else?"
Irvine leaned back in his chair. "Was it a girl or a guy?"
"A guy," Selphie informed.
"Hmm....My manly charms wouldn't work....."
Zell stared at the ceiling.
"So....I don't know what I'd do."
"Rinoa?"
"I don't know either, because I'd never be mean enough to punch someone that was just trying to help."
"You didn't have a problem mangling Irvine at the Desert Prison....." muttered Selphie.
"Well, thanks (for nothing) anyway, Rinoa. We'll see you later."
Zell paced nervously around his dorm room, while Selphie sat on his bed murmuring to herself. Suddenly, he stopped and pointed a finger to the ceiling.
"Laguna!"
"Yeah! Sir Laguna'll know what to do!"
"Why must you call him 'sir'? This isn't the Renaissance."
".....Jealousy?"
"N-no!"
She smiled.
"No!" he repeated.
Selphie grabbed his arm. "C'mon, let's go!" she squealed excitedly.
"Yay! We're going to see Sir Laguna! Laguna! Laguna!" Selphie sang as they neared the entrance to Esthar. Zell sighed as Selphie continued to chant until they got to the President's office. She held down the little button in front of the speaker. "Hi! We're here to see the Pres-i-dent! Hee!"
"Name please," the voice said tiredly.
"Selphie Tilmitt and Zell Dincht! Tee hee!"
After a long pause the woman came back over the speaker. "I'm sorry, I don't see you on the appointment list."
"Just tell Lag - er, the President, who we are," Zell said.
"Wee! We're gonna see Laguna!" Selphie continued.
"I'm afraid the President doesn't know you. If you come here again, you will be prosecuted."
"Let me talk to him."
"The President?"
"YES."
"I told you, sir, the President is very busy and cannot be disturbed."
"Doing what? Crossword puzzles? Look.....tell 'em Squall's here."
"THEN will you leave?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Just a moment, please."
As soon as the woman stopped talking the door flew open and out popped Laguna Loire, President of Esthar. "Hi, Sir Laguna!" Selphie waved as Laguna searched the grounds looking for Squall.
"Hey, there. Have you seen a little boy by the name of Squall around?"
"Squall's not that little...."
"Oh. Heh heh. That's right. He's about fourteen by now."
Selphie stopped jumping. "Um. He's more like seventeen."
"Well, you know what they say; time swims when there's an abundance of clams!"
".........."
"Have you seen him?"
"He's back at Garden. But we came here for some advice-"
Laguna raised an eyebrow. "Who are you?"
"We're Squall's friends. Remember, you met us on the Ragnarok." Zell nodded his head, trying to get Laguna to agree. "Selphie was flying and I was hanging with Squall and Quistis."
"You're the kid with the attitude problem."
"Uh, what?"
"Squall said you couldn't control your emotions, or something." Zell stood there dumbfounded. "I, um, didn't mean it like that. I'm sure you do just fine." Laguna cleared his throat and shifted his weight to his other leg. Seeing a look of vengeance cross Zell's face, he quickly changed the subject. "So, you have a question for me?"
"Yeah, if you punched a policeman, what would you do?" Selphie asked.
"Uh, heh, why do you ask that?"
"It's just a hypothetical question. Nothing serious."
"Oh! Ha ha, of course! Of course!" He scratched the back of his head and continued laughing. Selphie exchanged a worried look with Zell. "Well, first I would find some out-of-the-way place to stay. Then I would change my name and dye my hair. I would then get some new clothes, a pair of dark sunglasses, and pepper spray. Hmm...You know, it would probably be safer to move to a different country-"
"Are you getting this?" Zell whispered to Selphie, who was rapidly jotting down Laguna's advice.
"-and I would break off all ties with my family and friends-"
"Pepper spray.... Could you go a little slower?" she asked.
"-erase my birth record-"
"What did he say about a different country?" "-hack into the government's computer and erase my parent's birth and death records-"
"That we should move to a different one."
"-heck, may as well insert a virus into the main computer and do it all in one swipe-"
"Where's the main government computer located?"
"-disown my children, learn a new language, like Swahili, or....something-"
"Okay, I think that answered our question. Thanks," Zell said as they headed for their car.
"-hire someone to get rid of the evidence.....No, that's getting too messy-"
Back at Balamb Garden, Selphie and Zell were running out of people to question. "Alright. Who haven't we talked to yet?"
Selphie tapped her fingers on the glass. "What about Seifer?"
"Booya! YOU talk to Seifer. I'm not goin' within fifty feet of him."
"There's no one else to ask!"
"Ask Seifer and his posse, but I'm not coming with you." He sat down and crossed his arms. She knew better than to argue with Zell, so Selphie set out by herself to speak to them.
She wondered down the hall looking for dorm number 381. One left turn and twenty-three steps later, she arrived in front of his door. Selphie knocked politely and waited for an answer. She noticed that the hall was unusually dark and quiet. It appeared that a few of the lights were broken and tiles missing. She gulped and knocked again.
"WHO?" a voice questioned from the other side.
"Selphie!"
The door flew open. Fujin studied her, trying to remember who she was. "ANNOYING"
"What is?"
"STUPID"
"I don't understand."
"MANY THINGS"
"Um..... Anywho, I've got a question for you!"
"SURVEY?"
"No-"
"PRODUCT?"
"Not exa-"
"DON'T WANT ANY"
"Wait! I just want to ask you a question!"
"WHAT?"
"If you punched a cop, what would you do?"
"STUPID QUESTION"
"Please! What would you do?"
".......SEDUCE"
"For real?"
"AFFIRMATIVE"
"I guess I could try that..."
Fujin shook her head. "TOO CUTE. NOT SEXY"
"I can be sexy!"
"LIAR"
Selphie bounced up and down. "Can too!" she whined.
"STOP LIES"
"I can too!! Wanna see?"
"NO!"
"You're no help. Is anyone else home?"
"RAIJIN, SEIFER"
"Then let me talk to one of them!"
"IDIOT!" she called.
"C'ming Fujin!" Raijin scrambled to the door as Fujin made her way back to the card table. "Yeah?"
"I need to know what you'd do if you punched a cop."
"Cop? Is that some kind of toothpaste?"
".......Where's Seifer?"
"He's playing strip-......um....he's playing poker with Fuj, ya know?"
"Get him for me, kay?"
"Yo, Seifer! Ya got company!"
Seifer grumbled, but came to the door, nonetheless.
"Hi! You may not remember me-"
"Who are you?!"
'Yikes!' "Selphie Tilmitt!"
"Who?"
"You know, I'm that little messenger girl that you locked up in a cell a while back."
"Oh, yeah. How ya doin'?"
"Much better, thanks. I have a question for you."
He groaned. "Quickly."
"If you punched a cop, what would you do?"
"Who sent you?"
"No one!"
Seifer checked both ends of the hall before he continued. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason. I'd just like to know what you'd do."
"What does the cop look like?"
"Is that important?"
"YES."
"Oh, um.... He had brown hair and 'police' was spelt 'PoLeeSe' on his car."
"Did this really happen? 'Cause that guy sounds familiar.....Was his name Bob?"
"Yes! Oh, I mean, let's pretend it was."
"In that case, I wouldn't do anything, 'cause he works for me."
"What?" she asked in a monotone voice.
"Yeah, he goes around collecting fines and stuff and- why am I telling you this?"
"I'm not quite sure, but it sure is a big relief! Tee hee!"
"Get outta here."
"Thank you!! That was really-"
Slam! Seifer shut the door, just missing Selphie's hand.
"-nice."
Meanwhile, Zell was starting to wonder if he should start a search for Selphie's remains.
"Zell!"
He jumped. "Don't do that! Geez, I thought you were dead by now."
She rushed into the room, bouncing happily. "Guess WHAT!"
"What?"
"Guess!"
"Aww, Selphie, c'mon," he complained.
"No, you gotta guess!"
"Selphie!"
"It'll be fun!"
One hour later.............
"Spam is really Irish?"
"Nope. Try again!"
"Salmon don't swim up the stream just to spawn?"
"Er...nope. Try again!"
"Squall works as a stand-up comedian on weekends?"
"Hey! Who squealed?!"
"Huh?"
"N-nothing. Try again!"
"Argh! Selphie, this'll take forever! Just tell me!"
"Alright! You don't have to get so upset! Gosh!" She casually walked over to a chair and sat down. She then proceeded to fix the blue ribbon on her arm-
"Well?!"
"Well, what?"
"Selphie!"
She sighed. "That policeman wasn't really a policeman. He works for Seifer, so there's no problem."
"What a relief! I guess we can go out in public now without wearing those potato sacks."
Selphie gave him a puzzled look. "We never did that."
"We didn't?"
"No."
"Oh.........We should sometime."
"I.....guess..... Hey! What's that in your back pocket?"
"Er....hand...cuffs..."
"For what?.....Why are you blushing?"
"I'm not! I just...have a sunburn."
"You didn't have a sunburn this morning-"
"I got it standing too close to those chicken roasters, okay?!"
She smiled. "Okay."