He had given her a mirror today.
They had been walking back from the village where they had sold the vegetables he had grown. He had turned to her, and in that moment while she fingered the cloth covering the smooth surface, she had realized something.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
He was just a boy.
She thought of him, red hair shining and amber eyes gleaming, and tried to imagine him with the gaiety of a child shining in his eyes. Without that sword at his hip, without the pain in his eyes as he sometimes looked at her.
She tried to erase the memory of him standing, his hand grasping her arm, his sword against her neck. She tried to erase the smell, the feeling of that sword, caked with death and blood and human hair. She tried to erase the fear of that sword sliding, cold, through her, and the sight of his amber eyes blazing as everything dimmed around her.
But she couldn't.
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
Akira was dead; he would never be there again.
For the first few days, she had entertained fancies that he was alive and that he would come back to her. She had dreamed of him, being there with her and loving her, like the first time so long ago. But she would wake up and there would be no one, just the fresh tears on her cheeks and a dull ache in her heart and her loins.
She had sought revenge for him…she wanted, needed to kill the man who had stolen her life. And for awhile, it seemed it would be possible – her fingers would close on the dagger during the night and she would be ready to wait…until the day he would be asleep.
Husband and wife. When Katsura had said this, she had found herself wondering. They were just words – but now they were something more.
She knew she had fallen in love with him.
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
She had felt dead, and alive, and afraid, but mostly she had felt guilt. How could she not? Akira was dead, dead by this…murderer, and she was feeling alive with love for his killer. It was horrible, it was disgusting, but it was beautiful.
She should be full of rage and hate. He should have been dead by her dagger, and she should be mourning Akira. But nothing ever turned out the way it should, and she found herself wanting, more than ever, to be his sheath.
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
She looked into her image, and for a startling moment she had seen amber in her eyes. She drew back, ever silent, casting a wary eye toward his shadowed form. The dull metal of his sheath reflected the small fire he had lit. The minute orange flame floated in a pool of glassy oil.
He was sleeping.
She turned back toward the small gift; when she looked this time, her own brown eyes stared back at her. She breathed, an almost inaudible sigh leaving her.
But he was awake, and he heard her.
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
"Tomoe?" He asked quietly. She startled, and jerked away, but he grasped her wrist and held her close to him. She closed her eyes and the tears burned behind her eyelids. His arms wrapped around her loosely and she rested her head against his chest, the soft folds of his gi brushing against her face.
She let the tears fall.
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
She wept bitterly against him as he held her. She opened her heart to him, sobbing the words that she had hidden from everyone, and he listened, saying nothing but silently comforting her.
Somehow their lips met and everything slowed and sped up, the pounding in her ears deafening, the tears still flowing – but it was all over. Her life was his now. Nothingness consumed them and they let go of everything but themselves.
The snow was falling, covering the tracks of old and waiting for the footsteps of tomorrow.
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.