Disclaimer: I'm not very good at this writing thing. Also. Something something, Rin and Len is the best shiz ever.
Warning: Mentions of *bleep-insert spoiler*
Read on to find out...!
02 Jan 2012
Coughing, a drenched young man entered his apartment quickly, locking the door behind him as a lightning flashed outside his window, lighting up the dark room for a brief moment.
The rain was unexpected, it was extremely sunny when he left his house this morning. He deliberately left his umbrella by the door even though the weather forecast foretold of showers.
Showers in the evening. The weather app said. Yeah? The weather app also said that it would rain last week, but it did not.
Well, guess he has to bring his umbrella once in a while.
He puts his slingbag neatly beside the table and took off his jacket carefully to avoid dripping water all over the place.
Len walked into the bathroom and placed it in the bathtub to dry, not before squeezing off the extra water from his damp jacket.
As much as he wants to let the items scatter on the ground, not caring if they got messy, he can't. Because he's Len. No matter how tired he is, how sleepy he is, his body would go on auto pilot to make sure his place was clean, or at least, presentable.
See what good upbringing does to him. Such a good boy.
Although he knows someone who would have littered their items on the floor, not caring if they became a mess.
Heading into his room, he fished out from his clean laundry a small towel to drape over his head. He made sure to ruffle his hair dry before pacing into the kitchen.
What rotten luck. Raining just right after he finished his part time job. He could have left earlier, but overtime meant more wages. And more wages meant he could live out here on his own for a longer time.
Len opened his fridge to bring out a carton of milk. There was also a stick of carrot, one apple, frozen noodles, and a few eggs in his miserable fridge. Pouring out whatever that's left into a saucer pan, he washed up the empty carton to put into the recycables bin. Heating his stove, Len dropped a spoonful of honey into the liquid and left the pan to boil.
Note to self: Buy some groceries tomorrow.
He would have to stock up on some actual food, in case he fancied a late night snack, or if he missed dinner due to his busy schedules.
It was depressing to come home to an empty apartment, where whatever noise you make echoes soundly through the hallways.
Like the clattering of the accidental drop of his spoon. Damn. There was honey on the stupid thing.
Wiping the floor clean, he sat down on his couch, the cool surface come to contact with his back.
Well.
Sat alone in the dark again. He didn't even bother to buy a TV to relieve his boredom. Not that he needed one anyway. Even though he occasionally enjoys watching the cooking program that was broadcasted during the weekends, he was way too busy to make time to watch it. And he needed to be frugal.
Len wanted to use every yen he earned on the apartment's rent. It wasn't very costly, but it was still enough to make him feel the pinch if he did not have enough cash. Nevertheless, the apartment was really affordable, it being in the city and close to the public transports.
Kobe University is actually just a 18 to 20 minute walk away from the apartment block. Extremely convenient, seeing that he's currently doing his second year there.
Sighing, Len stared into the empty darkness, listening to the tapping of raindrops on his window.
Plip. Plip. Plip. Plip.
And not to mention, the howling wind rattling against the glass windows.
Alone on a Saturday night.
Again.
How pathetic, Len.
Why did it come to this? More specifically, alone in a empty apartment?
His ears pick up distant noises; some cheerful family laughter coming from his neighbours down the hallway. Running footsteps and more children giggling.
Envy fills Len as he clenches his fists.
Wasn't he supposed to be home, where his family is? With Dad. Mom. Rin.
Rin.
...
Oh.
...
Oh.
...
Ohh...
He remembers now. Groaning, Len combs his hand through his wet locks; they're almost drying now. At the very least, he would be able to sleep without worrying he'll catch a cold tomorrow.
He remembers the reason he left home.
The rain was not letting up even though it started raining since 4 in the afternoon. It has been almost 7 hours already.
The gloomy and rainy sky was seriously dampening his mood.
Tsk. Tsk. What do you mean the weather just came along and killed your mood. You make it sound like you're never in a bad mood! Try the word 'always'. You're 'always' in a bad mood, Len. So much pent up frustration and tension. Pent up sexua-
Shut up.
The dark halls were illuminated by the occasional strike of lightning, creating tall shadows on the floor, followed by the claps of thunder.
Len was too lost in thoughts to flinch at the loud noise.
His head was filled with thoughts of. The reason.
Why he stopped talking to her in school. Why he started seeing other girls. Why he pretended not to notice her even at home. Why he had to take cold showers in the middle of the night. Why he averts his eyes whenever she wears that pajamas that tightly cling to her body, outlining her shape whenever she's feeling cold. Why he left home.
All of the unanswered questions finds its way to. The reason.
This is so frustrating.
The boom of thunder went unnoticed, but, he did remember that he had left his milk boiling. As much as he wants to ignore it, he stood up and walked to the kitchen. Always the neat one. Len wants to avoid it brimming over the top and making a mess on his stove.
Len quickly pours it into a thick yellow polka dotted mug. The warmth radiating from the mug was nice and comfortable on a cold day like this.
The reason got it for him on his 11th birthday. She bought a matching orange polka dotted one for herself.
Another day has yet passed without him not trying to think of. The reason.
Fuck this, might as well get ready for bed. At least when I sleep, I don't think of her consciously.
But you do think of her. In your subconscious mind. The little voice in his head laughed giddily.
Shut up.
Len walked to his bedroom.
Although he has been living here for almost three years, it was still rather empty and undecorated. He didn't bother to bring any personal belongings from his home. It reminded him too much of the reason.
He places his mug on his bedside table and took a seat on his bed.
The only thing that distinguishes his room from another strangers room is, a white ribbon on his table that he took (stole) from the reason's drawers before he left, and a framed picture of two 14 year old children pulling at each other's cheeks.
Fancy a guess who the two are?
The elder sister and the younger brother. Typical twins.
Except that the younger one slowly fell in love with the elder one and had to move out from their home to avoid from getting into trouble with his growing hormones.
Well, no one forced him to move out, but Len felt that if he lived with the reason any longer, his filthy, humiliating, feelings would be exposed.
It all started when he caught her wearing a flimsy towel, trying to pick out her clothes. It was just an accident, but one that couldn't be avoided as they shared the same room. That was the first time he saw her naked ass.
He could still smell her shampoo scented hair from when she crawled into his bed during thunderstorms. She was already 18, but she still insisted that she wasn't able to sleep without him by her side to chase away the scary thunder and lightning.
See the skin of her smooth waist peeking out from her tank top and shorts.
His throat go dry every time her collar bares her nape.
His stares when she flushes and giggles at his jokes.
It's all too excruciating that you can never have what you really want.
Len doesn't realize that he had been gripping his bed sheets a little too tightly.
Doesn't realize that his carnal needs are gradually growing stronger, becoming more twisted, with every minute they're apart. Even he is not aware of the ticking time bomb within him that was ready to blow up at any moment.
My sweet Rin. I wonder what I would do to you if I spent a mere second longer with you?
I would devour you.
Every time he gets too caught up in his memories, he wants to do nothing but to defile his sister with his very own two hands.
Except that he can't.
So, he fantasizes.
Rin's breathy moans against his neck, her sweat slicked skin as he hungrily kisses her lips. Her legs wrapped around his hips, pressing her body tightly against his.
Leenn! She would scream, dragging every moaning syllable as he fucks her, marking every inch of her skin his.
He would fuck her senseless, and she would enjoy every second of it.
Lifting her hips, so that he could guide it back down to his shaft; the feeling was all too good to be true.
His hand goes faster, pumping his cock, drawing out his orgasm, his superficial elation.
She would scream his name one more time as she bites down on her lower lip when she cums, her nails raking all over his upper arms.
Groaning, he came, after pleasuring himself, yet again, to another fantasy Rin conjured from the depth of the foul, wretched abyss that is his mind.
Len's breathing came to slow stop as he lied down on his bed, his hand still circling his now softening cock.
His pants unbuckled, pooling at his ankles; the now cold honey milk left untouched. He almost doesn't feel the cold rainy weather.
After wiping his floor, Len leaves for his bathroom. He doesn't want his hands to dirty the bed sheets.
Washing himself up, Len glances at the mirror once again.
Light blue eyes.
Blond hair.
Perfect chin.
He was the exact resemblance of Rin.
Almost.
He doesn't want to remember her, but damn his face for reminding himself of her.
Damn this all.
Fuck it all.
You're such a pathetic lowlife, Len. His mirrored self sneered.
Grow up, will you?
I'm twenty-fucking-one already. He growled back at the mirror.
What? 21?
You're 21 already for fuck's sake!
Get a life, would you, loser!
Len blinked. Was he speaking to himself?
Wait. What?
First, masturbating to her and now talking to yourself in the mirror?
You're definitely mad, Kagamine Len.
Turning off the faucet, he walks out of the bathroom and heads to the veranda.
He stood by the cool window, not bothering to invite icy wind into his already chilly apartment. Cars were passing in fast motions, their headlights and tail lights almost creating a disco like ambient. He sighed. If only they weren't speeding, increasing the risks of accidents on the wet, slippery road.
It was understandable, everyone wants to get home as soon as possible to be with their family or lovers during this hour.
Len watched the raindrops fall on his window, trickling down in long sleek lines. Reflecting the faint light coming from the street lamps, they looked like long crystal stalks, diamond icicles.
He was suddenly distracted by the noise coming from within the apartment hallways; though faint, it sounded like a lover's squabble. There were things crashing down too. Len winced when he heard a glass break.
There goes an expensive china vase.
He imagined a couple, in their mid thirties, yelling because, well, the wife couldn't, well, wife couldn't stay faithful or something?
And their conversation would be something like this.
You were cheating with your colleague behind my back?
That's because you never come home! Even when I was facing all the stress at my workplace!
Another expensive cutlery was thrown.
I had my own problems to face too! But at least I did not cheat! Am I the real father to our son?
How dare you accuse me of sleeping around! I only flirted with him at most!
You lying bitch. I caught both of you going into a hotel! I had enough! I'm leaving!
By the time Len finished that imaginary squabble, someone did open the door and slammed it, signaling their leave.
Len felt chills up his spine.
Wow. That was quite a scarily realistic scenario he had panned out for the imaginary couple. Len hoped that the actual scene wasn't as bad as he imagined. But with all these social and family problems happening so often, Len can't help but assume that his version of events may be true.
The walls in this block of apartment are pretty thin; if he paid attention closely enough, he could hear almost everything that was going around. Almost.
The apartment right next to his was empty right now. But before that, he could hear his neighbours' voices like they were speaking right next to his ear.
His previous previous' neighbour was a prostitute. She brought her customers back to her apartment. That brought on many sleepless nights to Len. Yes, he did rub one out in the beginning. Okay, maybe it was more than once or twice. He was lonely! And there was no other outlet!
But, the "audio porn" became more annoying than not since he was losing sleep over the noises that went on throughout the night. Sometimes, she even brought more than one man to stay over the night. Somewhere along the timeline, unfortunately, she was abused by one of her clients. He was hitting her and Len could hear it through the walls. He wasn't the only one. Someone else took the liberty of reporting it and in no time, the cops were over to handle it. The prostitute moved out soon after to save herself the embarrassment.
His previous neighbour had an affair with his secretary. He could hear how his secretary screamed for him to go faster and deeper, how his secretary fought with his wife, and how his wife trashed the whole apartment and left the apartment, and her own husband to be with his secretary, while howling and crying all the way down the flight of stairs.
They all left. Moved out, a few months ago. He couldn't remember how many, but they all left. Leaving the little room unit beside his vacant.
Sometimes, hearing all these muffled voices kind of makes him feel really pathetic. As if someone up there wants him to hear these voices he can never have, never experience.
Never have with her.
Fuck. This is so pathetic. Why did I even leave home.
I shouldn't have left.
I didn't think I'd be able to last a day without her.
But now that I have, it is all too painful.
Life isn't worth living without her.
Life isn't worth living.
Len paced in small circles. He's probably mad.
He laughed.
Maybe he is.
He is drowning. And there is nothing he can do to stop it.
What use is my life if I can't even see her.
If loving her is a sin, maybe, I should end this suffering once and for all.
How does saying bye bye to the world sound?
No, no, I shouldn't. Don't be rash.
Why should you kill yourself?
But! Why shouldn't I?
You should kill yourself.
You can do this. Easy.
Don't. I. I can't. I mustn't. I must. Not.
I think I'll kill myself. Why not?
Yeah, sounds kinda right, does it?
No, wait. No.
But why not? I'll kill myself to end it.
Haha, yeah. I think I'll just end it.
Wait, no don't. Isn't there more to life?
Fuck, there is none.
I guess I'll have to fucking end it then.
Nothing I can do about it.
Fuck yeah! Killing time! Weeeee!
What are you waiting for?
Len runs to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. He puts it to his wrist. The cool metal against his warm skin. He sees all his protruding veins, blue, green. Funny. That although humans are all just bags of blood, our skin color is never crimson red.
I'll fucking end this!
Sure! Haha! What took so long?
I'll end this! You'll like that, huh, you motherfuckers up there!
Look closely, you fuckers! I'll end my sorry life!!
Yeahhhh, quick! Just slit your wrist!
He presses the sharp edge on his skin, drawing blood. He'll probably go to the seventh layer of hell for taking his own life. One of the ultimate sin he could ever commit. But he couldn't care less anymore.
Fuck life.
Fuck this all.
I'll take my feelings to hell.
He slowly glides the knife down, slightly wincing at the pain, and then, his eyes caught the reflection on his knife.
Tears rolling down his cheeks, and his face was so contorted that there was only one emotion on it.
Helplessness.
He almost sees his, Rin's, reflection on it.
His eyes widened and his automatic reaction was to fling the knife far away from him. What happened to your neat self? That knife was stained with blood. The same blood that runs through your veins, and hers.
Fear coursed through his veins, his heartbeat thumping a million times per millisecond.
Fuck. I almost killed myself.
Len sobbed loudly, not realizing he held in his breath, and used the balls of his palms to press onto his eyes.
He clumsily sat down on the floor, his back against the lower kitchen cabinets as he cried.
Fuck. I almost killed myself.
The bleeding wound hurt really bad. Why didn't he think of the pain before doing this stupid thing! What adrenaline that was pumping in his body was innocently unaware of how its owner almost pathetically ended his own life, trickling more blood out his open wound.
Fuck. What the fuck was I doing?
Fuck. I was so close to dying. So close to never seeing her again.
But then again, isn't she the reason that you're here holed up in this place?
...
...
...
...
...
Life is such a trouble.
He fell asleep dreaming of Rin.
It was a Sunday morning. Len woke up to the sounds of the traffic below and the birds incessantly chirping outside his window.
He was then reminded why the rent wasn't that expensive; the cars were horrid, especially due to the fact that his apartment block was adjacent to a busy junction.
He peeked from below his covers to see one lone bird tilting its head at him. Chirping merrily while pecking at its feathers.
His wrist still stung slightly, but not as bad as last night. He had to bandage it properly to keep the blood from staining his bedsheets. Then, he will have to change the dressing later to avoid the dried blood from caking his wound. Don't want to risk inviting an infection. He's actually quite thankful that he took first aid classes back in his first year, that, and the wound wasn't as deep as to take his life.
Fuck you bird, you here to laugh at me because I failed to die yesterday? Too bad for this pathetic loser, he's still very much alive. So fuck off and die.
As if the bird was disgusted by the use of foul language, albeit not voiced out, it flew away, not before leaving some white droppings on his window sill for him to clean up later on.
Groaning, he clamped his pillow over his head.
Faintly, he could make out some voices and doors being opened and closed shut.
He didn't give much thought to it, but the quiet atmosphere, save the chirping, magnified the whispers into echoes. This wasn't eavesdropping he told himself, everyone in the apartment block could hear it, with the thin walls and weakened ceilings. And besides, it's not as if he was deliberately putting his ear against the wall to hear and savour every conversation.
Straining his ears, he could hear two voices, something about the apartment was cheap and cozy, easy to access by public transport. And someone agreeing to it.
Wait, what? Someone's moving in beside him?
Len was too tired to care.
Good luck, whoever is moving in there.
I just hope you're not a murderer or a rapist.
Len went back to sleep.
Nobody should be allowed to wake up on a lazy Sunday morning anyway.
Oh damn, he forgot he had to buy some groceries.
...
Maybe later. He turned his face away from the sunny window.
Yeah, seven layers of hell. There you go, that's asian hell for you. I went to look it up, I didn't even know lolol.
Well. Emo Len, I guess. D: This plot...crawled out from the depths of my mind...like drool. It just keeps staining the pillow. ...Bad comparison. ...You get what I mean.
And, no, it's not sad to be alone! If you're happy being yourself, who cares what others think, okay? I like being alone! You can be NAKED and nobody can say anything about it! Len's sad because he has problemmmmms. And if he doesn't have problems, there wouldn't be no fanfictionnnnnn. Okay, kids? If you have problems, talk to someone. Talk to me! No problem. :)
And, all you kids/adults/youngsters/punks/flamers out there, it is NOT OKAY to end your life. I don't care how bad your life is, there IS something worth living for. You're just looking in the wrong direction/at the wrong person. I read there was this boy who killed himself because of depressing Facebook messages. ...That's just both sad and silly. If you guys have problems. PLEASE. Do not enter the Hall of Fame for Suicide. Please, seek help!
That, or go get a religion or something, or something that tells you that killing yourself or others is a bad thing (Like reading this fanfic). Life is rather beautiful. It has ups and downs, but in the end, life...uh...finds a way.
Oh wait. ...Doesn't religion state that porn is a bad thing...? So, what are you guys doing reading this porn-*gets shot* :v
Sorry, long A/N lecture. Please don't die. :( Love you all.
Disclaimer: It contained mentions of sex and masturbation. I guess, it's rated M for Masturbation. Ahahaha. Hahaha. I'm so funny.