Disclaimer: I don't own Pride and Prejudice. And this is only meant as an amusing little one shot. Hope you enjoy it.

Lady Catherine Interferes.

I wonder if you have ever wondered why exactly Lady Catherine sent Mr Collins to Longbourn to find himself a wife among his cousins? Was she truly being her normal 'helpful' self. Or did she have an ulterior motive?

Lady Catherine had thought that Mr Collins was as good a candidate as anyone for the position. He seemed as learned as any clergyman she had ever met, and although lacking in sense, was very polite and seemed more than capable of writing a decent and appropriate sermon. And so Mr Collins was hired, and given the living at Hunsford.

One person who seemed very pleased with the placement was Lady Catherine's daughter, Anne De Bourgh.

Some might say it was love at first sight. Some might say madness. For what sensible person could have romantic feelings for such a man? Well, I could answer that question with very little thought, Miss Anne; Being so secluded and sickly as she was, had never met a man who gave her much attention, and having only her mother to guide and lead her, no one could accuse her of being sensible. And so, when Miss Anne De Bourgh was introduced to the new parson, with his low bows, simpering words, blind compliments and adoration, Anne De Bourgh was smitten!

Mr Collins equally, had never had a young lady blush at his attentions before, had never had any young lady hang on his words. Not even while given his sermons had anyone paid him so much attention.

And so a very pretty relationship developed. When Mr Collins called on his patroness, Which was a daily event, (as you know it is quite essential for a clergyman to visit his most honourable patroness on a daily basis, regardless of the blushes and giggles of that lady's daughter.) Much of his attention was bestowed on the heiress. Once he was certain that the younglady enjoyed his company and was pleased at his attentions he became most studious in his complements. Employing his mind where it would be much more usefull elsewhere in suggesting and arranging such little elegant compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occaisions.

Lady Catherine noticed, after all, how could she not? That her daughter's health seemed to improve in the presence of the clergyman. She had some colour about her cheeks, a sparkle in her eyes and a liveliness in her disposition that she had never before witnessed. Indeed, Anne had never been as sickly as her mother would have you believe, but she did suffer greatly from a depression of spirits since her fathers death, she had indeed been every inch her father's daughter as a child. But this clergyman, seemed to give the girl something to smile about. Anyone who saw them together could not fail to notice that Miss Anne De Bourgh and Mr Collins were afflicted with that most horrid of mind altering illnesses; Love. An illness that ensnares the mind and controls the senses could have nothing but a disastrous effect on those without much sense to begin with. Lady Catherine saw, studied and was displeased.

"Mr Collins!" said that great lady to her parson "I am not amused!"

"No m'Lady?"

"No, Mr Collin's I daresay I am not. It is not befitting of your station as a member of the clergy to be an advocate of bachelorhood."

Mr Collin's had felt his ship had come in! Would it be foolish for him to hope that Lady Catherine would sanction a marriage between himself and her daughter. Well I can answer that for you dear reader. It would indeed be foolish for him to think such a thing.

"You have a cousin in Hertfordshire who's estate you must inherit have you not?"

"Why yes indeed m'lady I do indeed have such a cousin, how kind of you to..."

"And that cousin has been most unfortunately endowed with more daughters than he knows what to do with, is this not also true."

"Why yes m'Lady, how correct you are. Most unfortunate indeed, most increadabl..."

"Why Mr Collin's the Christian thing to do would be to marry one of your cousins!"

"...I – I beg your pardon m'lady?"

"Why Mr Collin's you cannot be wholly ignorant as to what I refer." said the lady with a pointed look. "A clergyman must marry and set the example amongst his parishioners. A person must also marry within their social sphere and rank, how better to be sure of such a person than to choose from among your own relations. Indeed this is the method which myself and my dear late sister employed when arranging the union between my Anne and dear nephew Mr Darcy. And indeed Mr Collins, what could be better than to chose from among those from whom you must inherit, ensuring that the other sisters will certainly always have a place to turn, should interests elsewhere fail to present themselves. And so Mr Collin's this is what you must do: You must write to your Hertfordshire cousin and arrange to visit them for a fortnight, while there you must choose a wife. Marry as soon as you can, bring the Lady to Hunsford and I will visit her!"

Mr Collin's was all astonishment! Marry one of his cousins and forsake his dear Anne! Every feeling revolts. But he was much too afraid of incurring the wrath of his noble patroness and that very evening he wrote to his cousin, A Mr James Bennet oF Longbourn detailing a wish to be reacquainted with that family and mend the bridges that had fallen in his late Father's time over an argument of which he knew, much less understood, nothing.

For two weeks Mr Collins awaited a reply most anxiously. So often was a accosted and accused by his patroness on the rare occasions that would see them entirely alone, as to the reasons why he had not yet received a reply.

"I'm sure he is a very busy man with an estate to run and family of five daughters to care for, he simply must not have had the time to reply m'Lady."

"Nonsense Mr Collin's, his estate is not so large and daughters are never so much to their fathers. Are you quite sure you wrote to the man Mr Collins I cannot have you deceiving me!"

"Of course I did m'Lady but I promise, if he does not reply tomorrow I will write the good gentleman again, perhaps he is a little forgetful of his correspondence!"

"See to it that you do Mr Collins, see to it that you do!" So anxious was Lady Catherine to have her Parson married off, before Anne fell too deeply under his spell! Though what she saw in the man she could never tell, so amphibian was he and entirely devoid of wit! Nothing at all to her Lewis! If there were a more varied society in Hunsford Village Lady Catherine would soon tire of her parson's company! But Anne was to be Lady Darcy and it would not do to have her pining for another when entering the marriage state.

A fortnight had past and finally Mr Bennet's long awaited response arrived and Mr Collins was invited to stay at Longbourn whenever he wished.

So pleased was Lady Catherine upon the news of her parson's imminent departure that she revelled in bestowing that sort of advice for which she was famed and outlined precisely the sort of woman Mrs Collins should be! (being careful to be sure her daughter heard every word.)

"Mr Collins, You must marry. A clergyman like you must marry. -Chuse properly, chuse a gentlewoman for my sake and for your own, let her be an active useful sort of person, not brought up high, but able to make a small income go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a woman, bring her to Hunsford and I will visit her!"

And so it was with a heavy heart that Mr Collins left Hunsford on Monday morning, leaving his dear beloved Anne behind.

Lady Catherine was sure to say to her daughter that morning, at observing her features which were unusually depressing that morning over brakefast. "Anne dear, not all toads will turn into princes my darling!" Which was all the motherly consolation Miss Anne De Bourgh was ever to receive from her mother over her aching heart. Or any other concern for that matter.

My Dear fellow lover of Pride and Prejudice, you know what followed.

The End.

Epilogue

You may well wonder what happened to poor Anne! Upon the occasion of the nuptials not only of Mr Collins but her cousin Mr Darcy poor Anne resined herself to the life of a loveless, passionless marriage, for although she did not love her cousin, she felt sure that she could bring herself to be passionate with him, a sentiment she shared with many a woman through out the ages. And so, after her mother died, approximately eighteen months after her Cousin married, Anne married a very wealthy titled gentleman of a neighbouring estate who's point of view was much similar to that of her mothers, that a marriage was a union of wealth and status and a tool to carry on great familial lines. Once they found that there were all manner of pleasures to be afforded the married while extending the familial line theirs was a very happy marriage indeed. They bore six very healthy children. And completely ignored the scandal that accompanied such a large number of offspring coming from a marriage between the aristocracy!

Mr Collins was so very unhappy and melancholy at being separated from his one true love and have her live an evidently happy life with another man ten times his worth. This black cloud that hung over the parsonage was unbearable and Charlotte Collins only truly found contentment after striking up an acquaintance with the Game Keeper at Rosings Park. After many a roll in the hay with Mr Mellors, Mrs Collins eventually bore two sons over the course of four years. Mr Collins' comments on the matter were kept to a minimum, too embarrassed was he to admit his impotence, and raised the boys as his own flesh and blood until his death, resulting from a carelessness while gardening, when the oldest boy was six years of age. The Collins' boys possessed there fathers brilliant looks and work ethic along with thier mothers sense and breeding and grew to be fine men.

Mr Bennet fortunately outlived his wife and so there was no need for that lady and her daughters to be turned out into the hedgerowes. The Collins boys were always welcome to visit their cousins at Longbourn and so charming were they that no one minded that they were to inherit Longbourn when Mr Bennet eventually died at the age of eighty five. The eldest boy, named for Mr Bennet, extended and cultivated the land at Longbourn until it was eventually one of the finest stately homes in all of southern England, Which eventually passed into Bennet family blood once again upon James Collins marrying Catherine Buchanan's neè Bennet's eldest daughter Frances.

The Very End.

Just a little something I thought up the other night and wrote with a few spare hours. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. And of course, all criticism welcome.

Vicky. x