Hello, I'm back again. At the behest of Tinselcat I have ruined yet another beloved children's tale. I don't own the turtles. I didn't make up the original fairy tale. Any references to popular culture are entirely coincidental. Uh, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man…
heh heh heh…
kyabetsu presents…
Sleeping Beauty.
Long ago and far away, there was a tiny kingdom of DaLair. Queen Venus the Benevolent indulged the every whim of her Super-Happy-Lucky-Mega-Hyper-Feminist Amazon subjects. All that the kingdom lacked was an heir to the throne.
Venus, draped in heavy silks, sits upon a scarlet cushion. Her bandana ends have been done into elaborate loops, creating a 'crown' at the back of her head. She is bathed in a gentle glow. The camera pans back, and we see that the scarlet cushion is in the middle of the turtles' living room and the gentle glow is from the desk lamp duct-taped to one arm of a couch.
One day her subjects had brought a sacrifice before her.
A horde of busty Russian girls in go-go boots, bunny ears, and little black bikinis have chained Mondo Gecko to a railroad tie [The author will not apologize for running gags. Read 'Raphael and the Firebird.']
Queen Venus nodded. He would make a fine tribute to the Goddesses. "Take him to tempru, and play dat I be brest wid daughta! An heih to tlone!"
The BuUnnI Clan chant and sing and bounce their way to one of the subway cars. Mondo Gecko is too busy enjoying the view to care. Through the windows of the subway car, the bunny ears are bobbing and a slight gurgling is heard. Some blood flecks the window.
Her subjects joined their pleas with their Queen's own heart-felt wish to be granted a daughter.
Venus scowls at the camera. "Why you turn me into stupid babee mah-cheen? Why I eben in dis stupid stolee? And why I soun rike plostitute flom 'Pratoon?'" From offstage, we hear Raphael, "Heh. You got PIZZA; I got sister!" Sounds of male laughter, silenced by an optic blast from Venus, and replaced with shouts of "Oh Shit! He's on fire!" and "Stop, Drop, and Roll, dude!"
For years now, Queen Venus had awaited the daughter she saw in her visions: a lovely warrior with the intelligence and the strength to expand the borders of DaLair. Yet regardless of the number of men slain, she remained barren.
We hear Mikey's voice offstage, "Ooo! Ooo! I know what she's doin' wrong! Vee! Vee! Lemme help! Lemme help! I know how to make the baby! PLEEEEeezz?" *Thud!* "OUCH! Leo, that hurt!"
Time passed in the palace, and one morning the Queen woke to find that she was in fact with child. There was much rejoicing throughout the kingdom.
Late at night, we see Queen Venus' silhouette through the shades of her subway car. "I love you long time…" Fade to black. In the wee hours of the morning, a turtle slips out of the Queen's chambers, and vanishes into the night. We follow and find him by the glow of his cigarette. Leo looks up with a huge grin on his face and whispers, "Karma, baby."
A ball was thrown to honor the royal pregnancy and invitations were sent far and wide. Various local spirits were also invited, as fairy baby-gifts are highly prized even in Super-Happy-Lucky-Mega-Hyper-Feminist Amazonian society.
Queen Venus now has a pillow beneath her robes. She graciously accepts the gifts on behalf of her unborn daughter. They are piled to the side of the throne-cushion, on the couch.
Amdist great fanfare the Pantheon of fairies made their grand entrance!
Splinter shuffles in wearing a sign on a string around his neck that reads "Pantheon." He throws a handful of confetti in the air, "Mazeltov." He waves vaguely in the direction of fetus.
"As fairy godmothers 1 through 11, I grant the child: strength, agility, stealth, wisdom, a sound knowledge of classical mechanics, electricity and magnetism, chemistry, computer science, calculus, computational neuroscience, and, while we're at it, beauty everlasting –"
Suddenly a cold wind howled down the halls of the palace of DaLair. And a pair of dark shadows stood in the presence of the Queen and her assembled BuUnnI Clan Warriors.
Raphael and Casey in black tuxedos stand in the middle of the living room.
"DidjatinkyouseguyscouldispectdaferryGodfada?"
Casey steps forward to translate Raphael's almost unintelligible accent.
"Dis here is da Ferry God-Father. He is most displeased to have been left out of dis joyous celebration."
"Iffnyousedollswaddenwimmon,Idhavmiboystearyousetapieces"
"Since da fairer sex tends to be forgetful, da God-Father is willing to let dis incident slide."
"TelldatbitchqueendatIgotzagiftforherliddlbambina"
"Even dough you have shown great disrespect to my associate, he still feels dat it is fitting for him to bestow a gift on da child."
Queen Venus drew back in horror as the God-Father stepped forward. He took her hand, and mockingly kissed it. "May your first child be a male child." He paused, adding insult to injury, "I will let him live until his seventeenth birthday. By that time, Queen Mother, you might actually grieve when I kill him."
And they were gone. The room was silent as the grave, and Queen Venus felt her composure slipping away. But the 12th fairy godmother stepped forward. "I cannot reverse his curse, my Queen, but I can hopelessly complicate the plot."
The Queen nodded, anything was better then a son.
Splinter has developed a twitch. His eyes roll as he searches for exit routes. He takes a deep breath and casts his spell.
"Neither gender shall hamper thee.
I grant thee complete androgyny.
And though the God-Father would see thee dead,
Thee shall sleep in virtual death instead.
An Age of Darkness without the heir.
A savior will venture into DaLair.
Dreaming's shroud pulled from sightless eyes.
The advent of the sun, the sleeper will arise!
I am the Walrus!
Cuckoo-ka-choo!"
Splinter hurls a smoke bomb and vanishes, giggling as he goes.
In the sixteen years that followed, the Prince Dawn fulfilled every one of his god-mother's wishes. He possessed the strength, agility, and stealth of his Amazonian warrior lineage. His wisdom was legendary, and no one could deny, Prince Dawn was beautiful in a way that transcended the sexes.
We see Donatello against a cheesy anime-style background. Colored bubbles float on wind that gently teases the ends of his bandana. The camera slowly zooms in on his face, showing enormous, shiny eyes framed in thick eyelashes. When he smiles, stars twinkle in his pupils. His beak has the suggestion of lips, and they're pouty. His skin is soft as moss and just as green, but it lies over his firm body and rippling muscles like silk over steel. He smiles as he flips off the narrator.
Though the royal child was indeed a beauty, overtime the other fairy gifts manifested and aggravated Prince Dawn's androgynous condition. By the time he was sixteen, even the Queen Mother had to admit that the sound knowledge of classical mechanics, electricity and magnetism, chemistry, computer science, calculus, and computational neuroscience had created what could only be called a "NERD."
Donatello, flashing eyes, mossy skin, etc., looks up from the components he's soldering. "You know I'm seriously offended at the implication that an engineering education makes you sexless. Nerds have gender just like everyone else. Just because I don't like makeup or football or knitting or speedboats or anything else that falls into an estrogen-testosterone-based classification system..." The word "MUTE" appears on the screen. Donatello flips off the narrator.
As his seventeenth birthday rolled around, the Queen locked Prince Dawn into his basement workshop. "You no ret anyone in. Fe-lee God-Fada tly to kirr you."
"Yeah, sure thing mom. Oh, mom that accent sounds terrible, you might want to get it looked at."
Prince Dawn did not mind being imprisoned in his workshop; he hardly ever left it any ways. He was on the cusp of a new discovery.
"I think I can enter the Matrix!"
We see that Donatello's got one of the fancy techno-chairs from the Nebeccanezzer and a socket on the back of his head. There are screens all around the room with falling green letters.
The Ferry God-Father's assassin creeps along the palace corridors, gripping a pair of nunchucks.
He pauses and puts his hands on his hips. "Jeez, why don't you tell everybody I'm here?" He is immediately surrounded by the BuUnnI Clan.
Meanwhile, back in the basement, Prince Dawn puts the finishing touches on his Matrix-submersion device.
"That should do it!"
He sat in the magical chair, strapped the magical helmet to his head, inserted the magical plug into the base of his skull, flipped a magical switch and ate the magical green pill.
"It's not magic; It's Sciiiieeeeeennnnssssssss……
Insert cool graphics here.
The lights flickered and died all over DaLair as Prince Dawn's machine drew all the power from the transformers for 6 city blocks.
The mystery assassin found himself in the dark with the horde of Super-Happy-Lucky-Mega-Hyper-Feminist Amazon Warriors. He also found that even feminists squeal when you pinched their butts.
As the power company scrambled to compensate for the enormous drain, the kingdom's refrigerators began to fail, and the Amazons called out for pizza. Since the assassin was willing to pay for his share, they let him in on the order. Over night, it seemed an impenetrable wall of pizza boxes grew throughout DaLair.
Days passed and then weeks, the boxes mounted higher and higher. DaLair was silent, and still as a tomb. Into this darkened night, the young Princess April ventured. She was on a quest, desperately seeking some one to fix her toaster. "Hello? Is there anyone here? Why is it so dark? What's with all these pizza boxes? Ugh! Don't you guys ever take out the trash?"
A voice from the darkness spoke.
"I only one reft. My Cran lun off to Ras Vegas wid Fe-lee God-Fada's assassin. My son rocked in basement. I no can open dooh. I no can speak light. I wait to die."
"Queen Venus, it can't be that bad. I mean, I'll get some trash bags, and we'll scoop these boxes up. I bet once I get to the basement room, I'll be able to get Prince Dawn to open the door. And your accent – well, what if you spoke in Mandarin or Cantonese or something and then I can just read your subtitles?"
["Damn! Why did I not think of that sooner?!"]
Several hours pass as the Queen and the Princess shovel the mountains of empty pizza boxes into hefty bags. At last they reach the basement laboratory, but Donatello does not respond to their knocking.
Princess April needed to have her toaster fixed. On the other side of this door lay the very soul who could do that. "Let's see, the hinges are on the inside, but there is no dead bolt." She fished around in her purse and pulled out an expired credit card. "This should do it!"
[You have sickness of the mind! How will a credit card open the door?]
"Like this." Princess April knelt down and carded the door. "The frame and the edge of the door were flush; it was easy!"
The room is filled to the brim with computers. There are so many, that Prince Dawn uses a water-coolant system to keep them from over-heating. He's sprawled in an ugly dentist chair with wires coming off his forehead, arms and legs. April approaches him slowly, and bends down to hear him speak.
"We've got to save Morpheous," the Prince whispered.
"Wake up Prince Dawn!" When he didn't stir, she leaned in closer. She could feel his breath on her lips. 'A little closer—there!' Her fingers closed around the plug in the outlet on the floor. POOOMP! The computers all cut off. The lights came on. Prince Dawn sat up, looking beautiful and livid.
"Who did that?! I almost had all the pieces of the tri-force!" He blinked. There was a toaster in front of him.
"Please fix it?"
Moral: There is no Story.